Devastated

[MarthasGinYard]

Have had an up and down relationship with a good DP for almost 12 years. I would say last 12 months much stronger.

Very Early worries of trust have always made me a tiny bit suspicious, but hand on heart nothing has ever really happened.

I found something the other night which didn't quite add up. My anxiety made me have a search through his things which is something I haven't done in years. When he came in from work, I asked him to just explain and he did completely. Felt much better but forgot to admit I'd had a dig around. He found I'd looked through his drawer. He went absolutely mad and I was honest and told him I'd had a snoop and reasons why and apologised.

He wants to call it a day says he's not happy. He can barely look at me. I feel terrible. I don't want my little family to split up. I've begged him to change his mind. We've been through similar once before. He says I've pushed him away and will never trust him. I actually do. I love him very much. probably haven't shown it enough. I've taken him for grafted and we are in a bit of a rut I guess.

Just need a hand hold through this. I have work today a long shift where have to be smiling and on the ball and don't know how I'll get through it. Haven't slept a wink. Please try to be gentle.

I'm in my 40's and I feel so vulnerable and worried about the future. I'd literally do anything to try and make things better. I think it might be too late.

If you have got this far

Thank you

You half own the house. He ended it but he wants you gone! This seems excessively harsh.

31 your kindness is appreciated

Thank y

I asked him to show some human kindness I found this house, made it a happy home. I won't just leave.

Oh please. Show some compassion. This is her partner of 12 years. They have a child. and? If a woman was posting here that she’d found out her partner was snooping through her drawers etc and had been for the past twelve years and now that she’d asked him to leave he’d turned on the waterworks and was throwing up she’d be told that this was pure manipulation on his part.

Or are people suddenly going to gain compassion for the men whose partners decide to call it quits after years of emotional abuse? No didn’t think so.

The LTB line is frequently trotted out on here when it’s a woman at the centre of the abuse, but now it’s a man we all need to have compassion? Why is that exactly? This wasn’t a one off, it’s been going on for twelve years.

Have to say that I wouldn't be leaving if I were you, ask him to make arrangements to stay elsewhere if he doesn't want to be in the same space as you

I know you are obviously sick with shock (and i would be too if my partner of 12 years ended relationship after a minor incident - even if it wasnt minor to him) but he is capable of a shocking lack of empathy at the moment.

I know you said yr dad has alzeimers but do you have anybody else? On a practical level would you be able to take yr dd with you if you went to yr Dad's?!

How nearby is yr dad and do you need to be near yr work?!

It is a very big expectation on his part that he can 1) end the relationship, 2) that you be strong enough to deal with this shock without needing a dsy off & 3) that you vacate the house that you jointly own!

He sounds heartless and entitled.

I get that he has his own gripes but he is heartless and entitled right now.

Get yourself to a solicitor and don't move out.

I don't personally think looking at a credit card statement is a big deal, it was to him and perhaps symbolic, my husband could look at mine and I wouldn't give a shit, likewise I might glance down his whilst filing paperwork, and even check if I something odd, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't collapse our marriage over this, even if a few times over the years I've questioned him about where he's been/what he's been up to type of a way.

The reason women are so often told to LTB with this type of checking
behaviour is because it is usually connected with a whole web of controlling and coercive behaviour, prompted by jealousy and/or a desire to control the other person, so financial, emotional and other control. This does not, on the face of what the OP is saying, appear to be the case here-she's not seeking to stop him going out or doing anything or using money or having friends, she just worried after seeing one concert ticket which activated her old fears.

He's using this as a convenient peg to hang his desire to quit the marriage, and for this reason you should get legal advice because he really really wants to go through with this.

Perhaps you should just give him some space, just leave the whole issue alone. Apologise, don’t go on.
Then say you have been thinking about what you did and what he said, would he please talk to you on Thursday ( whenever) about it, sensibly as you don’t want to loose him.
Do not be dragged into an argument.
People say things to hurt each other but often don’t mean it.
I hope you can work things out.

Op, I understand that you’re hurting terribly right now but - in the gentlest way - you need to get a grip for your own good. You are BOTH acting like children atm and that cannot be good for your dd who will be picking the atmosphere.

Tell your DP that you understand the relationship is over and that if he wants to move out then you won’t try and stop him. It is unreasonable for him to expect you to move out since he is the one wanting to end the relationship.

Do not leave as this may affect your case for custody of dd if it comes to it.

Why do you have to leave?

He wants out. He can leave.

I'd get a bit icy, if I were you.

He's said it's over.

He's not your friend. Don't look to him for compassion or warmth.

He's decided this. So your warmth and friendliness has gone.

No need to be rude. Just coldly polite.

Stand your ground.

I personally don't understand how this is a big deal. All our statements are in a file in our cupboard. They are in a file because I put them there after I have raked through DP draws etc to find them. This is not a problem for him as he has nothing to hide. This isn't something that would ever be an issue for us and we have had trust issues in the past a long long time ago. I don't think this is about snooping. I think it goes a lot deeper OP. I think you need to let him go.

Exactly what Cobblers said. Be icy and polite but no more

Absolutely do not leave the house without talking to a solicitor.

He does sound very cold telling you to leave. Doesn't work that way with joint property.

He wants to split...thats fine. You need to discuss him buying you out or selling and splitting the equity.

Just back from friends house.

Dd still awake so snuggled in with her.

Thanks so much for all the support I will now read and digest every post.

He can leave. You stay put with your child. Or does he mean you leave and leave your DD with him?

Whatever, he is free to leave.

As someone else said, be a bit icy now. You have to protect your own interests.

His actual words were 'we need to sort what we will do accommodation wise etc' and I said 'what do you mean' he said 'somewhere for you to go'

When I said it's 'my home' etc and 'I don't want to leave' he said 'I'm not going and I'll fight you on this if I have to.

d? 'If a woman was posting here that she’d found out her partner was snooping through her drawers etc and had been for the past twelve years'

Please don't assume. This most certainly was NEVER the case.

I think I need some kind of sleeping pills just to get me through these nights without waking.

Even though he's the abused party here, given he isn't in danger from you, it would be smart to stay there and see a solicitor and get to mediation asap.

Him asking you to leave suggests he thinks DD will want to live with him mainly, is that how you see it?

Sarcelle

He means us both to leave

He Knows I would never go anywhere without my dc.

He actually said when it all kicked off that one of his colleagues said 'it was so sad watching his wife and dc leave but he was happier than he'd ever been'

He seems to have worked out what he thinks will happen.

As many of you have said on thread and as my friend said I will stay put for now. I won't be pushed into moving out'

It's going to be awful I can tell.

'Him asking you to leave suggests he thinks DD will want to live with him mainly, is that how you see it?'

Thanks towel

No this part would never be the case. I will always have her with me. Be the primary parent etc. He knows that.

I work part time at the moment and have done since I had her. This will probably change now. She will be with me though.

Mediation eventually perhaps sounds like a good idea.

Go over to chats on divorce and separation.
One thing you do not under any circumstances leave your home.
It belongs to both of you.
Secondly yes you have been a bit overbearing and his pissed off.
That still doesn’t mean you should become like sorry sorry and act stupidly.
Stop acting that way.
Your sorry you’ve shown it you’ve apologised.
Do not talk to him at all for now .Do not beg him.
Think about your dignity.
If his insisting its over just give him some space,at least for now.
Don’t make any decisions yet.
I almost think he would have found a reason to behave in this manner.
You do need some sort of help for yourself just because someone did the dirty on you doesn’t mean,you destroy yourself.you have to move on and find closure from that episode.I hope you both can resolve this .

Op, is your name on the deeds? Do you own half the house?

I know you say it's your home. But legally is it yours, as in name on the deeds?

This makes a big difference as to whether you can stay or not. Also is your daughter his?

Given his behaviour it sounds like he checked out of the relationship a while ago and this latest incident was an opportunity to do so and be the ‘injured party’. Silly man obviously thinks that getting rid of you is going to be easy.

Stay put and get legal advice because he will probably trying being ‘nice’ when he realises that Mr ‘don’t give a shit’ doesn’t yield quick results.

The callousness of his behaviour does suggest something more than ‘I’ve had enough’. However, it must have been demoralising to be under constant suspicion and maybe he decided that if he’s going to do the time, then he might as well do the crime.