Devastated

[MarthasGinYard]

Have had an up and down relationship with a good DP for almost 12 years. I would say last 12 months much stronger.

Very Early worries of trust have always made me a tiny bit suspicious, but hand on heart nothing has ever really happened.

I found something the other night which didn't quite add up. My anxiety made me have a search through his things which is something I haven't done in years. When he came in from work, I asked him to just explain and he did completely. Felt much better but forgot to admit I'd had a dig around. He found I'd looked through his drawer. He went absolutely mad and I was honest and told him I'd had a snoop and reasons why and apologised.

He wants to call it a day says he's not happy. He can barely look at me. I feel terrible. I don't want my little family to split up. I've begged him to change his mind. We've been through similar once before. He says I've pushed him away and will never trust him. I actually do. I love him very much. probably haven't shown it enough. I've taken him for grafted and we are in a bit of a rut I guess.

Just need a hand hold through this. I have work today a long shift where have to be smiling and on the ball and don't know how I'll get through it. Haven't slept a wink. Please try to be gentle.

I'm in my 40's and I feel so vulnerable and worried about the future. I'd literally do anything to try and make things better. I think it might be too late.

If you have got this far

Thank you

It's not just the snooping incident I've established that earlier in thread.

Anne

Rue

Thank you.

I'm not harbouring this thread for sympathy, just some understanding and support.

Magoo

Thanks for the well wishes

I am sure the H has his own grievances! But this isn't his thread!

@MrMagooooo so because the OP hasn't given much information you've filled in the blanks and decided that she's been abusing him for years? If you're actually interested in the reasons behind the DPs seemingly disproportionate reaction to the snooping, a few pages back the OP explained it. She asked her partner whether her 'crime' of snooping actually fit the current 'punishment'. He admitted that a big reason he's decided to call it a day is that he feels resentful and unhappy with being the main breadwinner and financially supporting the OP for all these years. So no, that one snooping incident is clearly not the whole story but from what the OP has actually written (which is all we have to judge the situation on) it really doesn't sound like the OP has been abusing him for 12 years.

@Banangana I admit I may have jumped on something far up the thread. Maybe I got something else wrong but she also mentioned having problems trusting which has also caused similar issues. The thing I'm just feeling is the OP isn't telling us everything but despite that as her Title mentioned she is devasted so I've been unfair.

I suppose I am lacking sympathy because something doesn't feel right and very quickly into the post the OP started playing the victim in this situation and everyone laid into the OH. I'm not saying I am right it's just what I felt.

Tough day

He's been here all day. Mainly looking out the window. We spoke briefly I asked him if he'd told anyone at work he said no. He says he's looking forward to being on his own. I said, with work you may not get to have Dd very often and he just said he'd have her whenever he could. Very detached. I think it will effect him more than he realises. I also said with our work etc we would have to have good communication as this won't be a cut and dried childcare situation. He bought up the holiday at end of month. I asked him if there was a possibility we could still go together, told him I've accepted this it would just be nicer for Dd to have us both there.

He said he'd think about it but I don't think he will come.

its a rubbish idea I know.

He offered me a snack he was making this eve and said goodnight.

Much better for Dd to see that.

Mr Magoo

You really are like a Jack Russell with a bone

Would you like me to wrack my brains a little more and add some more juicy bits for you?

I'm not the victim

Dd is

Both of our faults, but I certainly could have put more into our relationship.

Do you have a friend who could come on the holiday instead ? Because you’re right it’s a rubbish idea.

Also he need to arrange regular time when he has DD, it’s not ok to just fit her in when he has a spare hour or two and nothing better to do.

Are you both shift workers BTW? What’s your childcare arrangements for DD ? What will his childcare be when he has her ?

Don’t agree to him having her when he’s not at work while you have to pay heavy childcare costs .

Did you talk to your work about increasing your hours?

Don’t discuss this with him now, wait until you’ve seen your solicitor.

He's looking forward to being on his own? What a twattish thing to say!

Agree that it'd be much better for you if a friend could come instead OP.

Morven

GoodBoy

You are both correct of course it was a crap idea and I know it. Like I'm clutching at desperation.

Dd will question why he doesn't go I'm just clutching at silly straws.

I have a couple of friends I could ask even for a couple of days I guess.

Thought about splitting it with him one of us 3 days one next 3. Ridiculous idea. Not doing that.

Did you talk to your work about increasing your hours?

Don’t discuss this with him now, wait until you’ve seen your solicitor.

Not yet Morven and defiantly won't be discussing any finances, whose moving etc until I'm clued up properly.

Our rosters run 6 weeks ahead. We usually manage it between us can swap the off shift etc. Our days on aren't set so it will require much planning.

It is his decision not to go on the holiday .
Perhaps... say he has to work to your daughter just now .
She will be aware something is not right though.
Have a good holiday.

Thanks Anne it's not til end of month

I'll come up with something

Totally understandable why you're clutching at straws @Martha. It's all such a big shock but you're doing really well.

Could you turn it in to a girl's holiday with a friend and DD, or even just DD and you?

Good

Yes I will go with Dd, plan lots of nice things for us to do.

It's just all so different but I've got to get used to it.

Need to get stronger

Cut yourself some slack, it's been a really traumatic few days and it's all happened very fast. You've already spoken with a solicitor which is amazingly strong. On the first day you didn't ever think you'd be able to do that, and you already have! You're doing brilliantly.

Tell DD hols will be 1.1 time with you and have TripAdvisor or similar to hand to see what she would like to do.

It's better to be honest, at an appropriate age level and the holiday may be time when she raises questions. DC can be resilient, but they need to see honesty and resilience in a parent first.

Just woke and feel so, so responsible. Feel terrible for Dd and feel like I've caused all this. If I'd just been a bit different we'd still be fine and Dd wouldn't be about to have her world ripped apart. Because of me.

We have a day out with her friend from school. Someone I can't confide in. Got to stay focussed.

Text RL friend earlier to tell her I'd asked him to still come away, she's not happy with me.

God it's all just such a horrid mess.

I'm avoiding my parents who are wonderful but 84 and one in poorly health and I don't want to worry them.

Think Dr did say could take further tablet in the night.

This now seems my wake up time

Choc
Completely agree

When I know exactly what is happening about holiday I can plan stuff and ask her exactly what she fancies doing.

She knows something isn't right.

@MarthasGinYard I'm up if you need a chat? X

It’s not your fault Martha. Nobody is perfect, it’s not about that, it’s about being willing to try. He’s not. That’s his deal, nothing to do with you and your dd.

Every time you want to ask, reason, plead and dig - write it down. Get it out of your system that way. You can't want to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells if he decides to stay. Be strong and work on moving on - you will be happy, believe me!