Devastated

[MarthasGinYard]

Have had an up and down relationship with a good DP for almost 12 years. I would say last 12 months much stronger.

Very Early worries of trust have always made me a tiny bit suspicious, but hand on heart nothing has ever really happened.

I found something the other night which didn't quite add up. My anxiety made me have a search through his things which is something I haven't done in years. When he came in from work, I asked him to just explain and he did completely. Felt much better but forgot to admit I'd had a dig around. He found I'd looked through his drawer. He went absolutely mad and I was honest and told him I'd had a snoop and reasons why and apologised.

He wants to call it a day says he's not happy. He can barely look at me. I feel terrible. I don't want my little family to split up. I've begged him to change his mind. We've been through similar once before. He says I've pushed him away and will never trust him. I actually do. I love him very much. probably haven't shown it enough. I've taken him for grafted and we are in a bit of a rut I guess.

Just need a hand hold through this. I have work today a long shift where have to be smiling and on the ball and don't know how I'll get through it. Haven't slept a wink. Please try to be gentle.

I'm in my 40's and I feel so vulnerable and worried about the future. I'd literally do anything to try and make things better. I think it might be too late.

If you have got this far

Thank you

Glad you went to the solicitor.
You now need to be very hard-nosed and just get on with doing the best you can for you and your daughter's future.
Try not to get bogged down into the whys etc. Try not to let the sadness and shock get to you. If you can temporarily push this aside for now you can take time to process all of this when you and your daughter are established in your new lives.

@Banangana Firstly why does the child have to leave? Secondly it's not about snooping, it seems that over the years the OP has subjected her husband to a lot of her own anxiety, insecurity and what else who knows.

She doesn't have to be homeless. She doesn't have to go anywhere until he can buy her out. So yes to a degree when she is financially I. A better position she can leave. Should she be the one to leave--I think that is up for debate. I don't see why he should though over her.

Firstly why does the child have to leave?

It was the DP who suggested that they should start discussions on where the OP and their daughter will be moving to so it seems like he'd like her to stay with her main carer. It doesn't really sound like he's interested in or arranging to cut down his working hours or paying for childcare in order to facilitate having his child for 50% of the time.

Secondly it's not about snooping, it seems that over the years the OP has subjected her husband to a lot of her own anxiety, insecurity and what else who knows.

I've already posted that I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who constantly viewed me with suspicion and I don't blame him for calling it quits. But from what the OP has written, she's hardly a monstrous abuser who needs to be pushed out of their jointly owned home immediately.

And I don't think that the OP should automatically stay in the house at all. She'll obviously need to seek legal advice and be realistic about what she can afford. I'm just pointing out that 'if this was a man!' doesn't really work in this situation because how many women would suggest that they stay in the family home while their low earning ex moves out and takes the kid(s) with them? I doubt a woman in that situation would be supported.

Glad you spoke to solicitor.

He was polite at breakfast made Dd pancakes offered me one.

Did the same when I made some coffee

Fine

Just been out for a huge walk in the rain with Dd.

I will start to consider my options.

To stay here and try to buy him out which is unlikely as I know he won't budge and also I can't afford it.

What I don't want to do is go along the lines of what he seemed to be saying previously. Re 'accommodation' for me and when dd and I are 'established'

I don't want to move into rented accommodation with Dd, there is no way we will be moving around on uncertain lettings I've seen friends go through it. No Chance.

I can increase my hours and take on a small mortgage but I will require a sensible amount out of the equity to do this.

He's done some ironing and is now laying on the sofa for an hour so I like him.

Dd and I painting.

The sick guy feeling has gone for a couple of hours

First time in days

So 'unlike' him

The fairest thing to do is surely sell the house and split whatever is left for you both to do what you want with?

It doesn't seem fair that he has put up with years of the OP'S anxiety and insecurities and then ultimately leave her with everything - he has done nothing wrong?

He will pay maintenance for his child - OP can increase her hours at work and with the half of the equity she will be fine.

'he has done nothing wrong? '

Bloody hell

Also have you not read?

He won't be selling he's staying put.

Also haven't had 12 years of 'insecurities and anxieties' bloody hell

Much of our relationship was actually quite good.

So pleased to read that you have had some legal advice which was helpful to you.
I continue to send kind thoughts

Glad to hear that you received some advise from the solicitor, so now things are a bit clearer in the legal aspects of things.

I am sorry about the loss of your ds. You have been through a lot.

But you are stronger than you think you are. I have been reading all the posts going back, and each day even though you do not think so I'm sure, you are strong.

Like any grief, there will be stages of how you feel. Sad, confused, sad again, angry etc etc. In there will probably be some thoughts of what you could have done differently. You just have to take it one step at at time and deal with the emotions as and when they come. But the most difficult time is now. Trying to act normally in front of your dd without bursting into tears etc. As well as living with DP under these trying circumstances. So nothing is feeling normal, although you have to appear to be having a normal day iyswim. Its hard, yes I know I have been there, but you will get through it. And when the time comes to tell dd, then most of the plans for what is to happen, will be clearer. She will have picked up on something already, and just be aware now that if dd starts to play up or act out or along those lines, its her processing taking place too.

You have had a bit of a hard time here. But don't stop posting. There are many people posting here that helped me in ways that I cannot explain when I was going through my difficult time.

Sending lots of hugs xx

With regards to telling your daughter, I have went through this with my children when they were young. I told them we were better as friends (I ended it) and that they would still see him lots. When it came to moving we actually helped him move with the kids helping carrying light items into the new home. For the first short while he would also come in for a coffee when he collected them and we were civil so that they still saw us together while they got used it it.

I know it may be that you have to move but little things could make that easier. Maybe decorate her bedroom the same way so it is familiar and let her help pick things for the rest of the house. Make it an adventure if possible.

It also helped for me when I spoke about other families or their friends we knew where the parents lived apart and everyone was happy, Helped make it not so scary when they realised that they weren't the only children in this situation and that while it was sad that Dad wasn't there all the time anymore, it didn't mean they would have less of a relationship with him. Also the "two birthday's and two Christmases" was mentioned! Although the first Christmas post-split we had it together,

A counsellor through her school or GP may also be able to help as they will know how to deal with these circumstances. There are also handy books for kids that help explain all different types of situations and I'm sure you will find something age appropriate.

Everything will be fine and I'm glad you feel better after speaking to the solicitor.

Op, your solicitor must have told you you own half the equity in the house. So if it's seventy grand or whatever the average valuation is then for him to keep the house, this is what he needs to pay you if he wants to keep it and for you to leave, there is no ifs buts or maybes, no negotiation,

He's acting like your name is not on the deeds though. Are you sure they are?

wellies other than the comment I made that referenced your name which was your first post, I haven't made any comment about your others. The one I made earlier was about imatter's post. It's just as obdurate, telling OP that there's another woman.

If posters want to make such stupid and frankly unkind comments then they can expect to be picked up on them. How many more times does Marthas have to say it? It's pathetic.

I agree there’s no point is saying “ if it was a man the advice would be different”.

Because men hardly ever take 12 months paternity leave then go part time to support their wives career and bring up children. Nor do they have miscarriages or still births.

And even when men do go part time, they are smart enough to get married first. So they are entitled to share of pensions and savings and maybe to spousal maintenance.

So it’s vanishingly unlikely that a man ever would be in this position.

@M0RVEN So it's okay for women to be emotionally abusive because they have sacrificed more is what you are kind of saying.

@MrMagooooo how has she been emotionally abusive? Having anxiety does not make you emotionally abusive.

I'm not emotionally abusive

I'm sorry I don't seem to fit into this mould which you perceive

Cried in Tesco and had to leave

So there you go now I'm an unstable wreck

Go for it you'll love that one

I dont think you are abusive or unstable. I think your are strong.

I never set out to end up considering emotional abuse my forté, but here i am. Lundy Bancroft, Dr Georrge Simon, Meredith Miller, Jackson McKenzie, anne dickson, ross rosenberg.... i could go on. But my point is, you felt insecure. That is not abuse. You didnt project it. You arent coming across entitled. You know that the feeling is your own insecurity. Ah yes that reminds me, dr rachel heller and amir levine "attached".

You will get through this. Please dont let comments from stirrers upset you.

@MarthasGinYard 
@MrMagooooo , please leave this thread.
Start one of your own if you wish to explore this concept further.

Flowers did not add for you Martha !

Okay. Maybe I've got myself on the wrong track but I feel the OP is not saying everything.

What has her husband had enough of. After 12 years and the recent accusing / snooping incident he's called it a day. I don't think people call things a day that easily. It seems he has been pushed by her behaviour that she is not fully disclosing and I feel, yes just feel, she is here for sympathy without truly saying what she's done and now her husband has been painted the bad person in all of this.

@MarthasGinYard I wish you all the best, I hope you can sort this out with your husband so everything works out for the best and sort out any issues you have regarding trust for the future.

Sorry partner not husband.