Devastated

[MarthasGinYard]

Have had an up and down relationship with a good DP for almost 12 years. I would say last 12 months much stronger.

Very Early worries of trust have always made me a tiny bit suspicious, but hand on heart nothing has ever really happened.

I found something the other night which didn't quite add up. My anxiety made me have a search through his things which is something I haven't done in years. When he came in from work, I asked him to just explain and he did completely. Felt much better but forgot to admit I'd had a dig around. He found I'd looked through his drawer. He went absolutely mad and I was honest and told him I'd had a snoop and reasons why and apologised.

He wants to call it a day says he's not happy. He can barely look at me. I feel terrible. I don't want my little family to split up. I've begged him to change his mind. We've been through similar once before. He says I've pushed him away and will never trust him. I actually do. I love him very much. probably haven't shown it enough. I've taken him for grafted and we are in a bit of a rut I guess.

Just need a hand hold through this. I have work today a long shift where have to be smiling and on the ball and don't know how I'll get through it. Haven't slept a wink. Please try to be gentle.

I'm in my 40's and I feel so vulnerable and worried about the future. I'd literally do anything to try and make things better. I think it might be too late.

If you have got this far

Thank you

I’ve pm’d you

He may not be willing to go to mediation.

I'd tell him you need to take some time to discuss the practicalities when your daughter is not present and can't listen in.

You need to see a solicitor first, but it seems relatively straight forward as you jointly own the house and aren't married.

Things you both need to agree on during that meeting.

Child care split, how often each will have your daughter.
Child maijntenance
Living arrrangements,
What to do with the house. You may be able to afford the mortgage, but it's unlikely you can afford to buy him out. Can. He buy you out? If not you both need to agree to sell, split the equity and buy elsewhere.

On your own, you need to decide work, speak to your employer, sort out childcare.

Then sit your daughter down and thr pair of you explain what is happening, how she will be involved ie if a new property she gets to come with to see them, and explain how you both love her and life will be good for her.

MrMagooo he should move because he has the financial security to buy somewhere else. OP does not. Surely the best thing for their DD is to remain in her home if possible?

I think the best thing you can do is break it down into a series of tasks Martha. Can you find out how much you can up your hours and what kind of income you can expect to be on? That'll give you a good idea of what you can afford. EntitledTo is a good place to start.

If you can face it, can you have the discussion with him about how he's intending to go about child support? If you feel like you want to wait until you've had your solicitor appointment I think that's fair enough. But I think once the practical matters are sorted, you'll feel a bit better.

'm in bed now and he's asleep next to me

Why are you still sleeping together?

Apparently there may be a way of me staying here until Dd is 18 etc. Have a thread on legal and it may be a possibility. I will know more when I attend on Tuesday.

Yes he could buy me out. No I couldn't do same.

I've got s feeling he will try to offer me equity minus deposit as he put down the biggest share. Wasn't ring fenced. Everything equal.

"There's something unhinged about their DC allegedly buried in the garden. Presumably from a miscarriage. That's odd. There are very strict rules on what is done with human remains. Also she wrote as if the lost baby were only hers not his. There's something quite scarily off there. "
Towel that is truly one of the most disgusting comments I have ever read on MN and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Grimbles

It's the only bed

I squeezed in DD's single with her the other night but this is the reality.

We have one bed.

Bionic

I've replied

As for telling your DD, I agree the best thing to do is wait until things are a little clearer.

She may well be upset and that is ok. She'll need reassurance that although things are going to change for her, your love for her remains constant. Let her know it's ok to be upset or scared but that you will be there to help guide her through this.

I think that's how I would go about it, hopefully other posters will be able to offer advice too!

@GoodBoyGhost So my partner emotionally abuses me but I should move out of the family home because I can afford it.

I'm sure most posters on here wouldnt care if it was a man doing the abusing but couldn't afford to move out.

The OP may sound lovely but if she has ring doing what she says she has been doing for years then it is emotional abuse.

Oh Martha !
You are amazing .

Mr Magooooo , she knows . She is raw , shocked . There have been things on BOTH sides . She admits that .

“Our daughter loves our family unit” - I think that may be projecting your own feelings toward your DD a bit. She is a kid. She loves both her parents & will always have a family. Please ensure not to frame this as a loss to her. She may be upset & need time to process this for sure. Also please don’t let on to her that this was all your ex husband’s choice to her either. This may be true & she may come to learn more about the situation as she gets older, but she will get through this with you help.

You ok @MarthasGinYard ? X

Honestly and I mean this kindly, as this thread has gone on it is revealing the nature of the problems between you and your DP.

By the sound of it he has always struggled to deal with your emotions and MH. That seems to have abated for a period (medication taking over perhaps?). Rightly or wrongly he sees things reverting back and that is something he doesn’t want to address any more. There is likely to be a lot more complexity to your life than this but those are my thoughts.

Is he wrong to go cold on you. I don’t know but I suspect he thinks it’s the only way he can deal with things. He doesn’t want to engage with the emotional and highly charged texts or messages you are sending. I can’t see how he can because he wants to split. I don’t think he is the right person to support you now.

It’s not uncommon for people splitting to be emotionally and rationally in a different place. He wants to talk practicalities and you want to emote. I am sure you mentioned that he has suggested that you both sit down and talk through things. You seem to be avoiding this because you have had opportunity. He seems to have accepted that and isn’t pushing things. But at some point you will have to deal with the practicality of the situation.

You know his position. He wants to split. He wants to remain in the home and is willing to buy you out. He wants the separation to happen sooner rather than later. He isn’t forcing this on you or your daughter. If he stays she will always have a home there.

If you want to stay in the home, tell him. He might be okay about it if you can show that you will be able to buy him out. As you have said it is an option but one that comes with significant upheaval to your life. That may be unavoidable anyway.

As a pp has said you will need to tell your daughter. The best way to do this is to come armed with certainty about the future. Who will live where and with whom. That’s why having a reasonable conversation with him sooner rather than later is important.

The OP may sound lovely but if she has ring doing what she says she has been doing for years then it is emotional abuse

In her first Op she says she did something she hasn't done in years!

The Op's husband can't live with what she did (minor snooping which wouldn't even register in my household, both of us leave statements/financial docs openly around and wouldn't mind if they other one saw something 'odd' and asked about it). He wants her and their joint child to leave- their own home! Um, that would be a nope. The OP needs to seek legal advice- and consider the possibilities with him, it may be selling up and getting two smaller properties is the way forward.

I don't think you have to make this a game of goodies and baddies to give sensible advice. I don't see a long history of 'emotional abuse' from what the OP originally said, but of course that is her account and we don't know what he thinks from his perspective. He could post on here or somewhere else and get support- but this is the OP's thread and some of the posts on here have started to seem really out of step with the gently probing but ultimately supportive nature of the Relationship board.

Excellent post @Nearlyalmost50

@MrMagooooo do you honestly think that if a man posted here that his partner wanted him and their child to move out of their jointly owned property ASAP because he snooped people would recommend that he leave immediately and make the child homeless?

@MarthasGinYard

You are doing really well holding it together. But for your own sake you need to expecting him to be kind, to support you, let you know if he’s late etc.

He has checked out, he’s bought his own food and he doesn’t expect you to cook it. Stop waiting for him to come home and see what mood he’s in.

Cook earlier for yourself and DD. Or go out for a meal with her . Or take a picnic to the park. Invite friends over.

Anything except waiting to see how he decides how your evening will be. Stop hanging around the house crying and go out with your DD.
Perhaps go and stay with friends or relatives.

Stop waiting for him and take charge of your life. He no longer sees himself as part of your family - his words and actions show this.

Go grey rock in your dealings with him. Speak when you have to and be polite and businesslike . That’s all .

Look too others for emotional support, otherwise you will make yourself ill desperately trying to make him act the way you want. This is allowing him to control you and you really don’t need that.

He’s made his choice and however you feel about it, you need to accept it.

People never know another person's perspective, so him wanting to end everything seems a shock to you, but for him is a matter of practicalities. It's tough, but you have to hold it together enough to be able to make appropriate decisions.

Time to prioritise your DD. Consider possible scenarios that are best for her and ask him what he suggests. You will be better coparents if you put her interests first right now and you will be coparents for years!

Another thought Op is that it sounds to me like his may be giving space to cool off & allow the shock of separation to absorb for you. Is it possible he is waiting for you to broach the subject & have conversation. Understandably he must allow reasonable time for you to get legal advice of course
As others have said, for your own sake it would be best to stop relying on him or factoring him into your daily routine now.

Are you still sleeping in the same bed ?

Yes, she said they were @prawnsword because there is only one bed

MarthasGinYard Don't quizz him. Truth always comes out if you try a different approach. All the best.

Long chat with solicitor on phone.

Certainly not in the hopeless position I thought I was in.

Has made me feel much better.

Thanks all

Hi @MarthasGinYard I’ve been following and I’m just so sorry. I don’t know what else to say really, only that I’m glad speaking to the solicitor has helped. Be kind to yourself

That is good Martha .

He thinks it is over . All you can do now is try and get over the shock and get the best you can for you and your daughter.