Devastated

[MarthasGinYard]

Have had an up and down relationship with a good DP for almost 12 years. I would say last 12 months much stronger.

Very Early worries of trust have always made me a tiny bit suspicious, but hand on heart nothing has ever really happened.

I found something the other night which didn't quite add up. My anxiety made me have a search through his things which is something I haven't done in years. When he came in from work, I asked him to just explain and he did completely. Felt much better but forgot to admit I'd had a dig around. He found I'd looked through his drawer. He went absolutely mad and I was honest and told him I'd had a snoop and reasons why and apologised.

He wants to call it a day says he's not happy. He can barely look at me. I feel terrible. I don't want my little family to split up. I've begged him to change his mind. We've been through similar once before. He says I've pushed him away and will never trust him. I actually do. I love him very much. probably haven't shown it enough. I've taken him for grafted and we are in a bit of a rut I guess.

Just need a hand hold through this. I have work today a long shift where have to be smiling and on the ball and don't know how I'll get through it. Haven't slept a wink. Please try to be gentle.

I'm in my 40's and I feel so vulnerable and worried about the future. I'd literally do anything to try and make things better. I think it might be too late.

If you have got this far

Thank you

Lying thank you so much for getting it.

I certainly can see why posters may think OW.

I almost wish their was it would be so cut and dried.

@MarthasGinYard You snooping and being jealous was completely futile but you still did it.

I have no doubt this is a horrible time for you and I hope things settle and you sort things out and I understand people are giving you support but that is my point. If it was a man posting he would be bashed to a pulp and have no support.

If you have been like how you've said you've been then I feel sorry for your husband and I think you should leave. You have every right to stay but if you have caused your husband a great deal more of emotional stress over the years then you should leave.

Glad you got some decent sleep Martha

Hope you manage to find some peace with it all today.

So pleased you got some sleep.
I really helps with the thinking process.
Sending HUGS to you this morning

@TowelNumber42 I agree

Dear God Towel42 there's no need for any of that - if you don't agree with or want to support Martha then close the thread. No need to shit all over her.

Martha I wish you well.

@karala I think there is a perfect need for what she said. This whole thread has been, as she said, reframed.

She is not shitting all over her, she has given fair advice as to what needs to be done given the current situation and how the OP has behaved. The same advice people would give if it was reversed and the OP had been on the receiving end.

You don't have to stay away from a thread just because your viewpoint differs. It's all about getting balanced advice / opinions on Towel has given hers. I don't think it was harsh at all, just the reality of it all.

'There's something unhinged about their DC allegedly buried in the garden. Presumably from a miscarriage. That's odd. There are very strict rules on what is done with human remains. Also she wrote as if the lost baby were only hers not his. There's something quite scarily off there.'

RIGHT

DS was delivered at almost 20 weeks had passed in Utro at around 18 weeks. We were in hospital 2 days and the bereavement midwives were absolutely amazing and we discussed many options.

We decided to have DS cremated and Just DP and I attended a tiny service.

Eventually he was bought to us and we buried some of the little things they gave us at the hospital with his ashes and planted him with the most beautiful Rose bush which climbs so high and beautiful.

I may have used the wrong terminology and didn't wish to explain but my instinct of leaving him is so primal it ripps my guts out.

So, yes perhaps I am UNHINGED and my terminology was off as it was my first thought about leaving my home. Leaving DS behind.

But thanks for making me feel forced to share, as I'm now sitting in silent floods worrying about leaving,

TBH

Wish I hadn't have shared that on here it's too much.

Too much

'Also she wrote as if the lost baby were only hers not his. There's something quite scarily off there. '

Not the case, loved to his tiny bones by both of us.

My baby, our baby DD's tiny brother who she was beyond ecstatic. At the thought of having.

So You can FUCK right off with your 'scarily off there'

I started this thread literally after my 12 year relationship ended and he was telling me I'd have to move out.

MarthasGinYard I’m so very sorry for your loss.

Some people on here forget there’s an actual human being in pain behind the words on the screen. Shame on them.

And for what it's worth by upping my hours and a bit of help which others have said I'd be able to get I probably CAN afford the mortgage here.

I'm not some effing scrounger whose lived off her DP for 12 years.

Jesus Christ

Pink

Thank you for understanding

I don’t think anyone suggested you were a scrounger Op.

Just on the description, 6 days work a month doesn’t sound like much, but as you said they are quite long days.

If you can afford the mortgage with a full time job then start revving up the job hunting!

There are companies which provide replanting services for trees, which may be an option ? Or cutting some & restarting a new tree might be a nice way to commemorate a new home...if you had been forced to move due to other circumstances you would have had to reach a decision about the tree regardless. The chance of living in the same home forever was not a certainty.

I know Prawns.

When I'm having a rational moment then I can completely understand where you are coming from

And thank you

MarthasGinYard don't feel like you have to tell anyone anything. I'm so sorry about what has happened.

I don't feel like you need to be perfect to get support and validation (at least you didn't on Relationships!) We are all flawed and often in these types of situations, there's multiple faults and things we wished we did differently.

However, that sensible self-reflection is nothing to do with my advice about making sure the primary carer and the child is well-taken care of financially and not disadvantaged immensely by any breakup. Legal advice all the way, for both parties.

I'm sorry people are jumping on you here @Martha. It's cruel and unnecessary. You don't have to justify what you chose to do with your DS and I actually find it sickening that people would choose to call you unhinged over it. Please be reassured that you are not.

Do look up 'grey rock' if you can. I think it would really help you feel a little more in control here.

From your posts I can't see where this image of you scrounging off and abusing your partner has come from. I think it's easy straight after a split to focus on everything you think you did wrong but the fact is we're all human, we all make mistakes. You seeking reassurance over the years may have been hard for him but it doesn't sound like he's been the ideal partner either. You will survive this

Thank you both

I feel losing DP is my link with DS too. We won't get to talk about him anymore. He was always so supportive.

Sending you lots of love martha
❤️

You’re already being very strong. You can do this- I hope today is better for you and I’m glad you’ve had some sleep

Beer thanks

I'm not being strong I'm crumbling, crumbling completely.

Fearful of today I feel way too emotional DD still fast asleep
Dp still fast asleep.

I know Everyone says dc are so resilient but HOW on earth do you tell your dc when there is a split?

Had anyone done it?

Dd adores our family unit thinks it's a happy one. She's going to be torn apart I'm certain. Close RL friend advising me to try and keep house for her sake

Honestly if I had wanted to call it a day I'd have been the one to be moving out.

I do also believe he would go to any lengths to keep the house.

I think you need to come to an agreement on the living arrrangements before you tell her, it would not be right to give her that uncertainty and she can never know her father wants her out.

Honestly if I had wanted to call it a day I'd have been the one to be moving out.

Why should he move out? You both have the right to stay. If he is 100% about the split then one of you moves out or you both live together or you sell and go different ways.

This is where his and your head needs to be now. Talking about the next steps if this is what he wants.

Yes of course. we need to know what is going to happen before we speak to her.

I just can't stand it.

Until we are able to talk about things together then we aren't going to get anywhere.

I can see we may have to go to mediation as someone suggested.