Devastated

[MarthasGinYard]

Have had an up and down relationship with a good DP for almost 12 years. I would say last 12 months much stronger.

Very Early worries of trust have always made me a tiny bit suspicious, but hand on heart nothing has ever really happened.

I found something the other night which didn't quite add up. My anxiety made me have a search through his things which is something I haven't done in years. When he came in from work, I asked him to just explain and he did completely. Felt much better but forgot to admit I'd had a dig around. He found I'd looked through his drawer. He went absolutely mad and I was honest and told him I'd had a snoop and reasons why and apologised.

He wants to call it a day says he's not happy. He can barely look at me. I feel terrible. I don't want my little family to split up. I've begged him to change his mind. We've been through similar once before. He says I've pushed him away and will never trust him. I actually do. I love him very much. probably haven't shown it enough. I've taken him for grafted and we are in a bit of a rut I guess.

Just need a hand hold through this. I have work today a long shift where have to be smiling and on the ball and don't know how I'll get through it. Haven't slept a wink. Please try to be gentle.

I'm in my 40's and I feel so vulnerable and worried about the future. I'd literally do anything to try and make things better. I think it might be too late.

If you have got this far

Thank you

I agree. Given OP has self-confessed form for misplaced suspicion leading to hurtful actions over many years, winding her up about OW isn't helpful.

It really doesn't matter whether he is or is not having an affair. He wants to split up.

It kind of does matter if that is the case because he has told her the reason he wants to split is because of her. In which case he isn't being honest is he ?.
Very early on in the thread the op mentions not wanting to leave her home because her dc are buried in the garden. But this man has decided that the op and her daughter will leave just like that. No compassion for the woman he has been with for 12 years who has raised his daughter to enable him to further his career and build his pension pot. Because she snooped through his drawer ?
Yes the op has admitted she has struggled with feeling suspicious of him over the years and no doubt that is very hard to live with. However you don't just turn your as good as wife and child out of there home for that reason do you ? Surely he would suggest a trial separation or more counselling.

Hope your ok x

He was home late accident on motorway caused tailbacks. I wanted to see my friend this eve. I text him. No reply phoned no reply.

I said HI when he came in and said just text if late as if made plans to see a friend. He made a nasty comment about not having to. Pathetic.

I got slightly upset as he's cold as ice. Played with Dd and he softened very slightly.

First night with sleeping pill!! High hopes.

Wow, is he trying to create such an awful atmosphere that you capitulate to his wishes and move out!

I hope you are having a good night's sleep, you deserve it.

Next time you pass him in the hall tell him ''I agree that this relationship is over''.

i would not expect any pleasant attitude from him anymore so i wouldnt get disappointed and upset. i would stay away from his way as much as possible.
btw you dont need to escape to your friends all the time. thats your home, too. dont give him the satisfaction. he can go somewhere else. just try to live an independent life from him as much as you can.
dont talk to him unless he talks to you. and always be grey rock.
you dont need to tell your plans to him. you dont need to wait for him. you dont need to cook or wash for him.

I know that there is a possibility I'm wrong. I know I don't know the OP or her partner. But I will say this. I have been on the receiving end of this type of behaviour. It is classic emotional abuse and it's designed to make you feel that you are in the wrong and an awful lot of posters here have encouraged the OP to go with this narrative. What utterly blindsides anyone who has been on the receiving end of this is the discovery of the other woman. The shock when you realise he has been playing you to make you feel as though an affair is your fault. This is why, in my opinion he has acted the way he has about the original actions the OP has described and I would encourage the OP to prepare for this.

The sleeping pills work

Woke a couple of times but nodded back off.

Shame Dr only gave me 8

There is no OW

Up until last Friday DP was the most family orientated guy you could have. We did everything together. Even nights if he stayed away locally with work he'd want Dd and I to go because there's a nice pool etc. When I used to say just enjoy the break.

I'm in bed now and he's asleep next to me. Unless he gets called into work he's off today.

I get it's my home to and don't have to make myself scarce all the time but I'm dreading this.

I haven't woken up with the horrid wave of loneliness but perhaps that's because he's here.

Ring the dr on Friday to see if they will give you a further script to get you through the weeekend. I bought an otc sleeping aid from Tesco pharmacy which I found really effective when I was struggling. Sleep is so important, you will lose your mind otherwise.

So was my DP. Everything was about our family. He was always working. Utterly devoted to spending the maximum amount of time he could with the kids. I couldn't weigh it up at all.

I'm sorry OP, I didn't mean to derail your story.

Why do.peope get so.upsset about people looking through their things?

DH and I don't either but none of us are
unduly jealous or spend any time accusing each other of things we haven't done.

Whilst it is possible the husband is gaslighting ,.from what. has been posted it is also possible the op is unreasonably jealous and difficult to live with. Maybe it was the straw that broke the camel's back

Op only you know the answer to that really. The claim that he doesn't know if he loves you is not a good sign either way. The only way to deal with this is to tell him you want him to stay ( if you do) but you will give him lots of space to decide.

Then do that and accept his decision as calmly as you can. Make some financial and practical plans in case he leaves ( make sure you are financially ok at least for a while). Go out, be independent, DO NOT CLING or BEG. If you are too jealous his feelings have changed because of this, maybe seeing you independent and able to cope will.spark them again. It will also give you time to see if you really want someone who you are struggling to trust . If he is in the wrong and is lying then that will probably become clear and detaching is a good strategy anyway..

Also get some help if you decide you are unreasonably jealous. Good luck, O know it is hard now bu believe whatever happens you will cope and come out of it ok.

He did some washing when he got in last night. Still did all mine too. I won't be that petty unless he does. He's bought a supply of what I used to call 'man pies' those frozen pies and pasties. He made one for his supper last night.

TBH he's never been someone whose come marching in expecting food on the table, always really flex. Did all the ironing still when we were gone. Mine too. Unless he starts that I won't either.

I need to read about 'grey rock' heard it on MN for years never actually known exactly the meaning.

I'm certainly not jealous in any way abs didn't spend the last 12 years rifling through DP's things of that I can assure you.

He would never describe me as jealous.

It's Definitely over

Wonder what today will Bring?

You're over simplifying the kind of response I have given I think MrMagoo. Long relationships can develop toxic patterns of behaviour whereby both people involved can perpetuate this. My DP is a brilliant Dad and a generous man who works hard and has tried his best to make a home for me and my children. He still lied to my face and made me feel like I was going mad. It's not as simple as man bashing here. I truly believe I had my part to play in the development of the toxic situation I'm in. And it seems the OP is reflective of hers also. But it does not excuse his current behaviour which will result in an acrimonious split to the detriment of everyone involved.

'OP has admitted to being a massive pain in the ass for 12 years to her husband'

I think that's rather extreme.

We have had our problems, I don't deny that. He's got what he wants now, so being vile is completely futile.

The OP has been generally sticking up for her other half@MrMagooooo.
OP is pretty emotional right now. No one is perfect . She admits that herself.

I think some posters may be projecting.

Most posters are trying to help and support OP as they 'know' her from other threads. They are trying to help her and her daughter deal with the fallout.

Hope you slept well @MarthasGinYard. Today might be difficult if he is off. All the best .

@welliesarefuntowear I agree, but the OP has only mentioned her toxic behaviour and LO and behold she has garnered support from people which in turn has turned into--

'He must have done something for you to end up like this'

He can't kick her out, I agree but if it was a women on the receiving end people would be saying he should leave.

I also agree he might not be acting in the best way but this could have been building for years and he has had enough gradually. He may calm down soon and communicate but if the OP has been a nightmare then he is entitled to ignore, be horrible if he wants to. Maybe it's his way of distancing himself. Yes he should talk and act in a more mature way but can't we let him be hurt, upset and human and not turn him into the bad person/ignoring what the OP has done.

Thanks Wellies I agree

I have my faults and insecurities but he summed it up 'we shouldn't be together' perhaps even from the early days when I found things out about him I didn't feel comfortable with.

I felt on some levels he became a closed book, and I tried to talk to him about it years ago.

losing DS mid term then subsequent MC's and him pretty much insisting I had a termination about 8 years ago which I did all come into play.

There's been so much to handle, too much water under the bridge I guess.

I'm just so sad as this time last week we were our tight knit as hell little 3.

Wish I'd have shown more love to him though. I think I took him very much for granted.

Well, MrMagoooo, if he posts a thread here you can go and support him. It's Marthas that's posting and she has already acknowledged her 'wrong-doings'. Why do you feel entitled to an itemised list? Unbelievable!

Still posters are saying it's an OW and 'please, please blah blah' when Marthas has categorically said that it isn't. It's really unkind to do that and projecting what happened to you has no value to somebody else's life and circumstances.

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Marthas, hope you have managed to get some sleep and are quietly and determinedly making your plans now.

Anne

I've slept for the first time in 5 days.

The tablets are fantastic

Lying, your being very unkind about my posts and I don't appreciate it.