Devastated

[MarthasGinYard]

Have had an up and down relationship with a good DP for almost 12 years. I would say last 12 months much stronger.

Very Early worries of trust have always made me a tiny bit suspicious, but hand on heart nothing has ever really happened.

I found something the other night which didn't quite add up. My anxiety made me have a search through his things which is something I haven't done in years. When he came in from work, I asked him to just explain and he did completely. Felt much better but forgot to admit I'd had a dig around. He found I'd looked through his drawer. He went absolutely mad and I was honest and told him I'd had a snoop and reasons why and apologised.

He wants to call it a day says he's not happy. He can barely look at me. I feel terrible. I don't want my little family to split up. I've begged him to change his mind. We've been through similar once before. He says I've pushed him away and will never trust him. I actually do. I love him very much. probably haven't shown it enough. I've taken him for grafted and we are in a bit of a rut I guess.

Just need a hand hold through this. I have work today a long shift where have to be smiling and on the ball and don't know how I'll get through it. Haven't slept a wink. Please try to be gentle.

I'm in my 40's and I feel so vulnerable and worried about the future. I'd literally do anything to try and make things better. I think it might be too late.

If you have got this far

Thank you

I think it would be very short sighted to give up work and go on benefits. For the simple reason, child maintenance only lasts so long as he is able to pay it, so illness, death, change of circumstances, or uour child is eighteen or out of full time education. At which point your benefits would reduce also and uou could be royally fucked.

Better to get yourself into full time employment. And also consider child custody arrangements, how much he has your daughter dictates how much he pays in child maintenance, but also for the days he has her he is responsible for wrap around care. In addition soon enough, uour daughter will get a say on where she spends her time.

All in, getting your equity out, buying again, getting into full time employment, is the better long term solution.

Also don't be giving strangers on the Internet your postcode. That's too over invested and you don't know who people are. It's easy enough for you to work it out yourself.

@MarthasGinYard I've done a calculation based on if you lived in my postcode with your DD and lived in council tax band A and worked 18 hours at minimum wage with no savings or pension contributions. It says you'd receive an additional £700 per month on top of your earnings and in addition to child maintenance x

@Bluntness100 Benefits ALWAYS (since the stories came in, anyway) work our more beneficial if the claimant works. No pun intended

*Tories
🙄

Yeah I understand & agree with Bluntness about postcode. Amounts would only vary slightly anyway which is why I did it on my postcode x

There isn't really any way of enforcing he pays for childcare on his days, is there?

This is something I bitterly regret not even looking into with my ex, but I can't see how I could have made him pay.

In one way you are in a strong position. He wants you out fast? Better pay up well over 50% then matey.

Happy, it's just there are some shitty people on line and to do it accurately you need some pretty private info, hence my warning, I'm sure you're just being helpful but as everyone is anonymous it's not worth the risk.

Also as for working, going out of work, the longer you're out the harder it gets to get back in at previous levels, job dependent, so getting back to full time, getting on the property ladder, becoming self reliant is the best option to future protect.

Thanks Happy

That's fantastic

Gives me an idea

He's due home about 7 I hope he's not vile to me I've cried a bit today, huge waves of panic and sick feelings.

Can't concentrate on much

Dd hasn't seen me cry we've just been to Go Ape

I have 2 very very dear friends who are married. 2 years ago my friend (who is the DH) started accusing my friend (his DW) of cheating. She had done nothing wrong, went to lengths to prove it etc, this went on for a good 6 months. Things calmed down but the relationship has never fully recovered as she can't get past how he made her life hell when she was completely innocent. They now lead seperate lives, the DW who is a very kind loving person is extremely cold and abrupt with DH , and he walks on eggshells & is in massive denial over the state of their relationship. If there weren't further complications I know my dear friend (the wife) would leave DH. This does not make her guilty, a bitch or anything else, she has been pushed to feel how she does, and from what you have said your DH has too. It's a terrible shame for you (as it's also a terrible shame for my friend - the DH) to have insecurities that have impacted & effectively destroyed your marriage & I feel awful for you (as I do my friend!) but for everyone to pile on your DH like he's 100% in the wrong is really bad as I've seen this exact situation from both sides of the coin. They are also in your position with 1 DD.
Good luck with everything OP, once everything is finalised look to become stronger and get some help for your insecurities so you can have happy & healthier relationships in the future

Get legal advice asap. Do not agree to leave - the house is in both your names. He has paid more towards it but you have also contributed by supporting him and bringing up his child.

I think he checked out of the relationship a while ago and has been looking for an excuse to get out. Whatever the reasons for that and whoever is to blame, are largely irrelevant now. When one person does not want to be in a relationship anymore, the relationship is over.

So now you need to think about building your own life on your own. Decide what you want for yourself and your daughter. Maybe start looking for a job with more hours or ask to increase your hours at the job you are at now. You will need more hours to be financially secure.

I can certainly look at upping my hours, everything is just so raw and unclear right now but they would be an option.

Glad you are seeing a solicitor.

It does sound like he is trying to push you when he knows you are distraught. Of course don't agree to or sign anything. Responding with "I don't really know" "I haven't thought about it" will help you when he is trying to push you to agreeing without legal counsel or being nosy about your plans.

Be sure NOT to discuss anything of what you are doing legally with him. He is your enemy and he'll just use anything against you to screw you over.

Definitely stand your ground and fight hard to get everything you can for your DD.

MarthasGinYard -sorry you’re going thru this -it can’t be easy. It’s difficult to comment without knowing many details. Why were you snooping? There must have been something pretty significant to make you do this in the first place ?!

If you are t normally prone to snooping and you don’t have an overly jealous streak, I cannot understand such a radical reaction on his part -not after 12 years together. That he would be annoyed, certainly but not to the point where he’s calling it a day. There seems to be something missing from either your side or his. Maybe he has got something to hide, you just failed to find out what ?!

Good luck anyway -perhaps it will blow over in a few days.

He will be back in about an hour

I'm setting myself up for a fall as I'm just hoping he's going to be more pleasant.

I've got a friend I can escape to for a bit if it's too bad.

Just relax, if you're upset or worried it will skew the atmosphere. Pull up a glass of your favourite tipple, pour one for him, ask how his day was and avoid the subject for now. Time enough when you've got things a bit clearer

Keep talking to us on here too if you're struggling. I hope he's not making it unpleasant for you

@Bluntness100 I wasn't suggesting OP give up work? Quote the contrary in fact

@MarthasGinYard Are you ok OP? No rush to reply, obviously. Just want to check in x

He's over an hour late home from work

Makes me feel so anxious like he's plotting or discussing.

He hasn't seen Dd for a couple of days thought he'd be back wanting to see her.

Oh thanks all

Bless you

I'm churning

Yes . Hope you are ok too. I have not contributed anything useful but think of you and did.

Please please consider that the reason he's home late is because he's seeing the OW.

I know you've said that's not the case but as an outsider I'd say it's very likely.

You make a mistake, he overreacts and ends his relationship with you. He wants you and your dd out of the house (really really cunt behaviour imho).

He's beyond vile to you.

I'm sorry but I would bet you there's someone else. You asking him about the tickets and going through his drawer gave him the excuse he needed to bin you off.

I know it’s not a popular view, but let’s suppose DH isn't having an affair, if OP gets convinced that he his from the views here it could backfire with her becoming paranoid and perpetuating the situation