Devastated

[MarthasGinYard]

Have had an up and down relationship with a good DP for almost 12 years. I would say last 12 months much stronger.

Very Early worries of trust have always made me a tiny bit suspicious, but hand on heart nothing has ever really happened.

I found something the other night which didn't quite add up. My anxiety made me have a search through his things which is something I haven't done in years. When he came in from work, I asked him to just explain and he did completely. Felt much better but forgot to admit I'd had a dig around. He found I'd looked through his drawer. He went absolutely mad and I was honest and told him I'd had a snoop and reasons why and apologised.

He wants to call it a day says he's not happy. He can barely look at me. I feel terrible. I don't want my little family to split up. I've begged him to change his mind. We've been through similar once before. He says I've pushed him away and will never trust him. I actually do. I love him very much. probably haven't shown it enough. I've taken him for grafted and we are in a bit of a rut I guess.

Just need a hand hold through this. I have work today a long shift where have to be smiling and on the ball and don't know how I'll get through it. Haven't slept a wink. Please try to be gentle.

I'm in my 40's and I feel so vulnerable and worried about the future. I'd literally do anything to try and make things better. I think it might be too late.

If you have got this far

Thank you

Thanks all

Yes he went to the concert on his own. Definitely the last time this group will tour

It's no shock if you know him.

He proved the buying of one ticket only.

I didn't want to go.

Well, made it to 3am wow

Oh God I've just fired off another text basically saying we won't be pushed into anything and you want this. You deal with this kindly.

I know I've got to stop for all the reasons on the thread, but I just can't get my head around it.

Ask your friend to hold your phone.

You must stop texting him. It is only making things worse.

Good luck with the solicitor today

OP - DO NOT LEAVE!!!

I can assure you, you CAN afford the mortgage alone. If he's a high earner then the CMS will take a high amount of Maintenance off him which will help towards mortgage. If you go onto CMS website there's a calculator.

In the meantime you can apply for an occupational order which will legally have him removed from the house for 30 days. Enabling you to put everything into place.

Like PP said - You were raising DD!! Enabling him to earn so much! If he had to raise DD himself then he wouldn't have been able to have such a high salary. Raising DD & working part time WAS your contribution.

This is becoming what appears to be emotional abuse.

As happy said 'do not leave' you need a financial agreement via a solicitor before you do anything. He needs to understand that. If he offers you anything, don't agree to it unless you've spoken to a solicitor. Don't worry about the cost of this as most will take their fee out of any settlement. Sounds like he's trying to pull a fast one and get the house without giving you what you're entitled to

He is by no means mean he's generous and kind

No he really really isn't. if he really was generous and kind then he would have prioritised improving your living space with his half a million pounds he has in assets not nitpick over how much you are contributing financially when you've taken on the vast bulk of the child rearing. He's a selfish nasty piece of work as borne out by the way he's treating you now. I hope your appointment with the solicitor goes well. You're better off without him.

Happy Thank you

I've looked at calculations and on 70,000 with him having Dd 1-2 nights per week it's around 550 pounds a month. I expected it to be more TBH.

I've looked at basic calculation for splitting 50/50 of house and I think it's about 70,000 each we would get.

I don't think there's a chance he'd offer me that.

I don't know.

Following the text which I sent he text back 'want all 3 of us to be happy that's all give Dd big kiss'

TBF I think his assets not including pension and equity are around 200,000 mainly shares and Premium Bonds. I think I'd overestimated slightly originally, but it's still a lot.

Oh Martha I keep trying to post, but they won’t load!
I am so sorry. Stay put, have a kind inner voice and remember it’s not your fault. Wishing you strength

Thanks Rick

Solicitor through work free helpline type thing is ringing today for telephone apt.

Solicitor who wrote out wills who was fantastic can't see me until next Tuesday

Men can be extremely arrogant in thinking that they are the higher earner so they are entitled to whatever they pleased.

Next Tuesday is fine. The rush is in his mind, nowhere else. You have both had a couple of days of space to think. Now you go back home, stay put, detach as much as possible, let the legal process of separation take its course, which will take weeks and weeks. There is no genuine hurry. Nobody is at risk of violence or other immediate harm to either of you. He has had enough and wants it to end asap, that's his desire, it is not how things will work in reality. Take your time. Don't be rushed. Agree to nothing. Go through solicitors and mediation as much as possible. Stop messaging him!

Op, as you're not married any assets in his name remain his.youre not entitled to these. You will be entitled to your share of the equity in the house, clearly, it's yours, hence why you shouldn't leave. Your child is entitled to monthly child maintenance.

Arguing you should keep the home, he should relinquish his equity and he should pay more than the legal requirement for child maintenance would be long, drawn out and costly. And subject to you loosing, as he still has to have his own home and support his other kids.

Ideally he should buy you out, ie give you the 70k, and you use that as a deposit to buy elsewhere, go full time, and then get a mortgage to own your own place.

It's not about what he offers. It's about the legal requirements on him. And you own half the equity in that house. Your daughter is entitled to child maintenance until I think she is either 18 or leaves full time education.

Because you're not married, you're effectively not entitled to anything that's not yours, I'm sorry. But conversely he is also not entitled to anything that is not his, in this instance the house.

*i've looked at basic calculation for splitting 50/50 of house and I think it's about 70,000 each we would get.

I don't think there's a chance he'd offer me that*

He doesn't get to decide how much he offers you, let a solicitor sort it out. You're entitled to 50% of the house. Unfortunately things like bonds and pensions in his name remain his as yours not married. But if you've got any in your name that's the same for you.

Hi Op
I don't comment a lot on mumsnet I mainly read but have been around for a while and your post really stood out to me.
Your story mirrors mine very closely.
My ex partner broke up with me very suddenly and it was a big shock. He went from being perfectly fine the day before to complete contempt for me.
Said he didn't want to be with me didn't give a lot of explanation apart from gradually bringing up certain things to do with money (he thought I had expected him to pay for a night out on my birthday etc). The house was half mine and I stood my ground and stayed for about two months.
He made my life an absolute living hell during those two months. Not talking to me and saying he wanted me out, that I was mentally unstable and this is why he didn't want to be with me.
Eventually I was physically ill. Like you I wasn't sleeping, eating very little spending a lot of time crying and not being able to work. I relented and moved in with my mum.
Within a month of me moving out he had moved his new girlfriend and her two kids into the house. She was a woman from work.
It later transpired he had been seeing her and a couple of other women who he also worked with throughout our relationship.
I did eventually get half of the money from the equity in the house but he kept if and still lives there with his new family !
What I do wish is that I had been stronger (I was a wreck) I wish I had stood firm and kept my home that I had put so much effort into.
He also managed to make it my fault in the rest of his family and friends eyes. I just wanted his money, had mental health issues etc. He played a great victim.
Like you I sent texts. I was probably at that time looking for a glimmer of hope that he still loved me it was all a bad dream etc. I wanted him to know how much I was hurting. The replies were always cold he had just changed completely overnight. Checked out of the relationship and that was that.
I am pretty convinced there is someone else in your case too. Although I believed for a while there wasn't too. I urge you to fight for what is yours and for your daughter.
Wishing you lots of luck ❤️

Totally missing point of thread but I can’t get over working 6 hours a month! just why? I’d be pretty pissed off if my partner worked 6 hours a month!!

6 days

'Totally missing point of thread but I can’t get over working 6 hours a month! just why? I’d be pretty pissed off if my partner worked 6 hours a month!!'

6 14 hours DAYS on average sometimes more sometime less.

He text tonight re some form he wanted me to root out and said 'one you and Dd are 'established that will be easier as I don't wish to 'drag things out'

This sounds very calculated and well thought out to me. How can you go from an argument to this in three days?! l'm afraid it sounds to me like he's been planning this for a good while, and you 'snooping' has just given him an excuse. l don't have any advice besides to echo what previous posters have said - don't let him push you both out of the house - your daughter is his child and he has responsibilities towards her at least. Take legal and financial advice and take strength from the fact that you have your child. Don't discuss anything with him until you've spoken to solicitors - you don't have to, him 'not wanting to drag things out' is all about him. Not about you and your daughter. Don't give in to him.

Good luck. l wish you and your daughter well x

I agree with PP, this is planned and calculated.

@MarthasGinYard £550 plus your benefit entitlement as a lone parent.... (Benefits are not affected by whatever maintenance you receive)

Please go to entitledto.co.uk and find out how much you would receive. You may be able to make this work. You will need this info before you speak to Solicitor anyway as they may request you do it otherwise.
Do one calculation with your current working hours then another calculation as if you're not working at all. Then compare the two.

If you would be willing to PM me your postcode or even just disclose which county you're in, I can do it for you?? X

Thanks all he doesn't have any other dc just Dd.

I'm not sure what will happen all I know is my daughter will be distraught as I will be she loves her home, her little friends her cat. I know my Dd we have little chats all the time about

"Mummy what would you do if you won the lottery"

"I'd buy a little island in Scotland with a castle on it, what about you"

"I'd always stay in my house but just buy a big field and fill it with trampolines and bouncy castles'

Happy yes I'd appreciate some help with that what will you need?

I think I work on average about 18 hours a week which is on my contract and that could not be altered it's our 50 percent working pattern.

Huge thanks