Devastated

[MarthasGinYard]

Have had an up and down relationship with a good DP for almost 12 years. I would say last 12 months much stronger.

Very Early worries of trust have always made me a tiny bit suspicious, but hand on heart nothing has ever really happened.

I found something the other night which didn't quite add up. My anxiety made me have a search through his things which is something I haven't done in years. When he came in from work, I asked him to just explain and he did completely. Felt much better but forgot to admit I'd had a dig around. He found I'd looked through his drawer. He went absolutely mad and I was honest and told him I'd had a snoop and reasons why and apologised.

He wants to call it a day says he's not happy. He can barely look at me. I feel terrible. I don't want my little family to split up. I've begged him to change his mind. We've been through similar once before. He says I've pushed him away and will never trust him. I actually do. I love him very much. probably haven't shown it enough. I've taken him for grafted and we are in a bit of a rut I guess.

Just need a hand hold through this. I have work today a long shift where have to be smiling and on the ball and don't know how I'll get through it. Haven't slept a wink. Please try to be gentle.

I'm in my 40's and I feel so vulnerable and worried about the future. I'd literally do anything to try and make things better. I think it might be too late.

If you have got this far

Thank you

I've read the whole thread. I don't think it's your fault actually. I think most people would have asked about the ticket. I don't think an occasional query justifies the ending of a long term relationship with a child involved. I think he wanted this and has seized upon it and I think he will screw your over if you let him. I would be interested to see how long before he introduces a new girlfriend onto the scene.

Hi Martha, I recognise your name from some threads we have both been on. Sorry this has all happened to you. I second the people who say you have to get your emotions in check now, he has had loads of time to prepare this so he is way ahead of you. You are in a vulnerable position so you need to clear your head and get planning.

1. Solicitor - asap and get your plan in place

1. Do not go to mediation with him - only deal through a solicitor and if they agree to mediation go with them

1. Put your phone away after 9 at night if you are not sleeping, and all other electronics where you could contact him, you really cannot text or email him again, you are only giving him ammunition against you

1. You need to be strong now, you can be emotional in 12 months time when this is all over, park your emotions, go into lockdown and get the best future organised for you and your DD.

Good luck.

I'm glad you have some sleeping pills now.
It just helps to get your body clock back on track.
I waiting too long before taking them.

As for appetite. I got by on ice-lollies and sugary tea.
Could not stomach anything solid, or water - which was odd.
The adrenaline will keep you going for a while yet so don't stress about this.

As for your situation. I find it all a bit convenient. For HIM anyway.
How he can go from loving and gift buying to cold and calculated in the space of a split second.
That's not normal OP.
He's been building to this and then found his excuse.

Hopefully a solicitor can help soon.

Why did you never marry?

Phoebesgit, what a nasty piece of work your post was. How low your own esteem must be to need to kick a woman who is most definitely down at the moment. Vile.

Op, I mean this gently. But considering this all came about because you were searching his credit card statements to see if he had taken another woman to a concert, and had an issue the previous month, and he says you'll never trust him, it does feel a bit of a stretch to say you're not the jealous type.

It does feel like you're moving away from feeling uou did anything to cause this, to this being 100 percent on him.

In the days, weeks, and months to come I'm not sure that's going to be beneficial.

Marthas, I'm glad you've seen your doctor and got some pills to help you sleep. You'll feel a lot better if you can sleep because that's when your brain processes everything. It's not possible to handle this with the limited sleep you've had.

Has your solicitor rung you back? I found that jotting down the points, in a couple of words, really helped for jogging my memory - and for keeping me on track during the conversation when I was getting stressed.

I also kept a journal that I buried at the end. It was cathartic. It was before the advent of texts and nobody ever saw it but me. Post those texts here or write them for yourself, no more to be sent to him now.

You can and will get through this.

I don't like the sound of him at all and I think he's been planning this for a long time now.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe how ridiculous of you to suggest that 'OP will take this behaviour into her next relationships
Read her initially post, over the last 12 years she has on many occasions made a number of accusations that have all turned out to be false. On top of this, she has invaded his privacy despite the only reason for her suspicions being in her head. You may feel this is normal behavior but its not. Those trying to excuse her actions or worse still , trying to blame her DH are not helping her. They are excusing her behaviour which will not help her remedy it.
You may think its tosh but no person will want to face accusations and continual suspicion in a relationship. If you can step back from your male bashing you may see that even the OP thinks her behaviour is inappropriate.

Read OP's updates, Cheeseandwin5. Nobody excused the snooping, including MarthasGinYard.

I don't think you comprehend very well at all.

RTFT. OP, I think your behaviour was unreasonable but you know it, and I think you are being very good by being open about it and trying to get help and change.

I have been in your partners shoes, and it was awful. You definitely should respect his wishes for now and let things calm down and give him space. Take that space to also try and see if you can help yourself to feel better too - good luck x

I have been distrustful of partners in the past, looking back they gave me reason to be. Agree that I might be more anxious than the average bear, but I would go with your gut feel

The journal is an excellent suggestion. Pour it all out into there and also any comments he makes. When you feel stronger and read it back it will be enlightening. You will feel shocked at the person you are now. You will feel stronger and you will be happy and independent. Your ex-DP to be does not come out of this well. You made a mistake. To err is to be human, to forgive is to be divine. You deserve someone who loves you truly, madly, deeply - your flaws an' all.

'I would be interested to see how long before he introduces a new girlfriend onto the scene.'

Thanks Carol

Although I'm sure nothing going on it would surprise me if he moves on very quickly.

Thanks Annas

Yes recognise you from threads we've been on in past years.

Really sound advice

I'm speaking to solicitor tmrw and hopefully the initial phone consultation will at least give me an idea.

Lying what a great idea.

This is kind of my musings for advice but an actual journal is a must. I will put my scribbled notes and thoughts down in one.

Look fwd to burying mine too

Hollow

Thanks

Agree I think it's been on his cards

Erik
Spag

Thank you

Not

Thank you for those lovely words

@MarthasGinYard
I recall you from numerous threads over the years (I've been here years but regularly name change to avoid being stalked by my ex). You've always come across as warm, witty and level headed and I'm sorry you're going through this. Demons are evil things to carry around and whilst your snooping wasn't great, your instincts that something was 'off' were right even if the assumed cause was wrong. Just wanted to wish you well

I'm staying overnight with a friend with Dd.

She knows him and is stunned

He text tonight re some form he wanted me to root out and said 'one you and Dd are 'established that will be easier as I don't wish to 'drag things out'

I politely requested he stop talking about Dd and I as commodities that need to be installed somewhere else.

Shocked how callously his language is regarding the Dd he wants out ASAP

He then phoned and I told him to find some empathy.

Completely cold fish. I don't even recognise this person.

How

Aww bless you. Thanks for the support

It’s him, not you.

How entirely predictable that he says that the issue is A but then says it is the totally unrelated B and also that he’s devaluing you. Classic.

Idealise, devalue, discard.

You watch. The next it’ll be about how he just doesn’t feel the chemistry, and if only you had or hadn’t done XYZ then it would have all been ok, and that this is All Your Fault and he’s the GoodPerson.

Stand back and observe. He’s making you into the baddie, and him into the victim. He certainly does seem to have checked out but instead of doing it with maturity, he’s twisting. The bastard.

And who goes to concerts on their own? I know some do but for a partnered bloke? Weird.

This is why it is always better for women to be married when you have children. You would be in a much stronger position if you were married.

OP he has clearly been planning this for a while, and jumped on your minor bit of snooping. He sounds horrible, actually. Cold and selfish. He has a young child, and whatever he feels about your relationship, his child should be the priority. Do not leave the house. Try and get support from friends and find out where you stand legally.
I also think he may have another woman. When men I know have behaved like this, there has always been another woman.

This is why it is always better for women to be married when you have children. You would be in a much stronger position if you were married

^This^

I'm just so sorry he's being like this @Martha.

Shocking that he's speaking about your DD like that over text too but hopefully at least it's helping you to see the real him and to find your rage. I'm glad you've got support from friends.

I really do think you will look back on this and be glad you're rid of him. I know that feels impossible right now!