Devastated

[MarthasGinYard]

Have had an up and down relationship with a good DP for almost 12 years. I would say last 12 months much stronger.

Very Early worries of trust have always made me a tiny bit suspicious, but hand on heart nothing has ever really happened.

I found something the other night which didn't quite add up. My anxiety made me have a search through his things which is something I haven't done in years. When he came in from work, I asked him to just explain and he did completely. Felt much better but forgot to admit I'd had a dig around. He found I'd looked through his drawer. He went absolutely mad and I was honest and told him I'd had a snoop and reasons why and apologised.

He wants to call it a day says he's not happy. He can barely look at me. I feel terrible. I don't want my little family to split up. I've begged him to change his mind. We've been through similar once before. He says I've pushed him away and will never trust him. I actually do. I love him very much. probably haven't shown it enough. I've taken him for grafted and we are in a bit of a rut I guess.

Just need a hand hold through this. I have work today a long shift where have to be smiling and on the ball and don't know how I'll get through it. Haven't slept a wink. Please try to be gentle.

I'm in my 40's and I feel so vulnerable and worried about the future. I'd literally do anything to try and make things better. I think it might be too late.

If you have got this far

Thank you

Stop with the messages. No more. You're damaging it even further, they are very emotional messages that don't read well. They are not helping you.

There's always a range of opinions on MN and right now there seems to be a bit of an obsession around everyone being cheats or liars, and some of the answers you've got have that same view - but there's an alternative, too.

You searched his drawers before you talked to him. This isn't the first time. You've been together for 12 years, he's never given you a reason to distrust, and you still searched his drawers before you gave him chance to explain. Your old relationship was 12 years ago: you've had 12 years of good behaviour from him, you've done couples counselling. It may well have been the final straw. If he was being very loving on Thursday, it may well be that this wasn't planned and he's just realised that it will never change. You will always be suspicious of him. And he's behaving very coldly now because he's dealing with the end of the relationship too. I'm a rip-the-bandaid-off person given the choice. I'd want to sort it all, not drag it out. Your messages would come across as manipulative to me, as emotional weapons. They are full of blame and drama and this idea that he wanted this; which your own story doesn't seem to support. Maybe he did, or maybe you've just picked that up from here because it suits the narrative a bit better. But if he didn't, if the search was the final straw, then you have managed to twist this so that he's the unreasonable one, he's the one that's done wrong and is punishing you, when it was your actions that caused the fall out.

I appreciate that you've apologised and offered to get help, but it also sounds like he's heard those things before. It would kill me not to be trusted by my partner. Kill me.

See a solicitor, about the house. Hopefully if that advice was from the legal board, it was a solicitor or someone trained who responded, and they were clear that you are not married. Maybe you'll be able to stay. Although I'd imagine that not being able to pay the mortgage may hinder that; it'd be good to know where you stand.

Talk to someone at work. If your jobs are insecure, is it realistic to go from working 5/6 days a week to full time? Are there other employers in your area that do the same thing?

I am sorry this has happened, and you'll probably feel a little better when you've got a plan and some stability, rather than living in no-mans land.

Stop sending him texts about money or arrangements post split.

Don’t agree to anything without seeing a solicitor

He’s not leaving because you work part time and earn less. He’s leaving because he’s not in love with you and he doesn’t want to spend his money on a house you jointly own. He decided this more than a year ago when he inherited the money.

He is now just thinking of reasons to justify his leaving. He wants to look like the good guy. I suspect you know why this is the case.

If you keep talking to him about it, he will think of more and more reasons why you are shit and the relationship is shit and you will feel more and more upset. So I suggest you stop it now.

Because while you are totally devastated you cannot make wise decisions about the future. So see a solicitor ( or two or three ) now and listen to what they tell you.

You can do the relationship post mortem later with a counsellor or your best friends and a bottle of gin.

Now is the time for action and not talk. Go grey rock on him.

And- everyone is right, stop messaging him. Full stop.

I know you feel he can't just get away with hurting you like that, but you really really have to stop and keep a clear head to deal with the legal side.

You won't guilt him into feeling bad, and you can't reason with him about how it is all unfair/you didn't see it coming and so on. He knew, from the moment he inherited, that he didn't want to share that money with you personally or the family in general- that's why you don't have an extension. He's a year ahead in planning what happens next.

Stop with the texts to him, don't agree anything, see one or more solicitors (pay if you have to) and cry to your friends. Vent here. This is so hard, I can feel your pain and bewilderment, but you have to look after you and your child in this situation.

Long, heartfelt messages are only going to irk him. You can't make him see your side, I'm sorry. Write down anything you need to get off your chest but keep them in your notes on your phone.
Take the advice from this thread: stay put and speak to a real-life family solicitor today.

He's definitely trying to paint this picture of you freeloading and him bringing in all the money. I think your long text wasn't bad actually. It doesn't hurt to point out that were situations reversed you'd have spent the money on your family. It will get under his skin as he's trying to create a story where you are someone who takes all his money. He'll know this isn't true. Also pointing out he's being really unkind in front of your dd and needs to stop wasn't the worst thing you could do either. Again it will have unsettled him as he'll be trying to look like the good guy here.

But I agree stop texting now. Like everyone says get legal advice. Sounds like he just wants to hang onto his money and ultimately you'll be better off without him even though it doesn't feel like that now.

You could say to your dd you keep arguing and you've decided you'll be happier apart. But that you feel sad about it.

You'll need to get everything you're legally entitled to from the house. That means a complete split of the equity. Don't give up the deposit he initially put in, because your "childcare" and your lack of earnings because of that will come to more than that. You'll need to be calm and coolly polite but really look out for you and your dd now, because you'll need everything you're entitled to to create a lovely home for you both.

I also thought about what you said about his hook ups and feeling what he'd written was sleazy all those years ago. I think people don't really change and that will still be a part of him. I hope one day you'll look back and feel "lucky" that this happened and it led to your breaking up. (I don't mean that in a condescending or upsetting way - it's just what happened to me - my break up was devastating but when I think back now, I'm grateful every day for the (awful) events that led to us divorcing and which got me away from my ex).

Op, I also don't think this is about money, more it's a range of issues that has caused him to be unhappy and call an end to it.

As others have said, you need to stop with the messages. They are manipulative, you're trying to make out he's the bad guy, when this is clearly not solely his fault.

Thanks all

I shouldn't have text the long drawn out text but I don't seem to engage my brain in the night.

I know the personal bits about Dd is just my insecurity of being without her. I'm terrified.

He would quite regularly be on a work trip for a week or longer I've never done it.

Dd isn't 12 she's just turned 9 so apologies if I've typed that wrongly at some point.

I remember him saying once we need money in the pension pot for us for later on which is very true and lovely to hear But we have a good work pension as well as private ones.

I'm frivolous by no means but when a dividend cheque comes through from one share portfolio which is more than I have earned in a year it also makes me sad that he didn't want to do some home improvements.

He is by no means mean he's generous and kind but very old fashioned and stuck in his ways.

Off to Drs this morn.

Phoned solicitor she's phoning back

Will I wake up and it was all a bad dream?

I just wanted to say a huge thanks to everyone who has posted it means a lot the support and hearing other perspectives

OP you are by no means a freeloader. He would not have been able to progress in his career so well if he had had to do his own childcare and take care of all the domestic stuff you were undoubtedly sorting.

I agree with others that there's no point in debating this with him. It is very chilling that he has shown his selfishness so much over these financial matters and you definitely need legal advice. Best wishes.

He’s not that old fashioned if he’s prepared to have a child without being married.

I remember him saying once we need money in the pension pot for us for later on which is very true and lovely to hear But we have a good work pension as well as private ones

I think he means “ I need money in my pension pot “. Unless I’ve got it wrong and

1. He’s been paying into your pension to compensate you for reducing your paid work and taking on all the unpaid work of house work and childcare

1. You have the same amount in both work and personal pensions.

OP honestly you sound exhausting. I’m not saying he’s perfect by any means but it sounds like you’ve worn him down over time. You say you trust him but root through his belongings! That’s not normal or healthy behaviour. Passing it off as ‘just needing reassurance’ is bonkers. He’s paying for the mistakes of the person you were with previously.

It sounds like there is already so much pressure on him and you just add to it!

If I were him I would end the relationship too. Perhaps you’d benefit from speaking to a counsellor.

Have people not read the full thread?! How is this the OP's fault? He's benefited from her working PT so he can further his career while she cares for their DD and now he has potentially £300k worth of inheritance and assets he wants to split up? He thinks his partner should pay for their new kitchen out of her part time wage so it doesn't interfere with his nest egg?

She's been quite right not to trust him imo.

'You have the same amount in both work and personal pensions.'

Oh no way near

I pay into my work pension which is good but smaller since I've been part.

This proves, better than most posts on here the utter hypocrisy and Man hating on here.
To be fiar the Op has been fairly honest in her first post and I applaud her for not making him the villan.
Despite saying that he has done nothing wrong, to cause the Op to snoop , people are convinced he has, purely based on their own biased.
Then they tell her to get him to leave but when he ask her, they say he is being manipulative and should no way leave.
The fact is there is not way those posters would be the same thing if the genders were switched.
This is the saddest thing about what Mns has become. we should be supportive but not by mindlessly demonising the innocent party/ a person just cause he is male.
The OP will take this behaviour into her next relationships and some of the advise on here will not help at all.

What utter tosh, Cheeseandwin5, how ridiculous of you to suggest that 'OP will take this behaviour into her next relationships'. Marthas has her head screwed on, she's taking legal advice and looking out for herself and her daughter now.

She's upset, understandably so. How does your post help her exactly?

'OP honestly you sound exhausting. '

Currently oh yes

Normal life, I'd say I have many faults but 'exhausting' don't really think so.

The Op is the primary carer. She is not married and her husband has basically suggested she get out.

I would never ever recommend that a primary carer leave the family home without taking legal advice. Irrespective of gender.

It also speaks to the nature of the man in this instance that he has inherited a lot of money, and wants to keep it all, evict her and their child. Having scuppered her career and used her ability to care for the child while he further his and shored up his own much larger pension. Without discussion.

He does sound horrid in how he's handling this. Perhaps the OP was to blame for the collapse of the marriage, but there's no need for her to jeopardize her own and her child's security for the future and I don't see it as man-hating to point out she needs legal advice!

Sorry, not husband- partner. It's a shame they weren't married for the Op's sake.

He's by no means mean but he's old-fashioned

Yet he's safeguarded his money and had a child 'out of wedlock' by not marrying you which would've provided you and his daughter with financial stability come what may.

@phoebe have you read the thread?!

@Martha how're you feeling today?

Wow @Phoebesgift you do like to stick the boot in don’t you! No one here knows whether or not the Ops suspicion is misplaced. Many women who thought they were paranoid and suspicious turn out in the end to be right.

Maybe you could spare a little compassion for a woman who is devastated by the end of her long relationship and facing homelessness with her 9year old child. Yeah, I’m sure she’s not perfect but neither are any of the rest of us.

I'm not the jealous type and DP,can't bring myself to even put the ex yet, would be the first to say so I'm pretty sure of that.

But thanks for the sterling advice.

Dr was lovely I have sleeping tablets