Devastated

[MarthasGinYard]

Have had an up and down relationship with a good DP for almost 12 years. I would say last 12 months much stronger.

Very Early worries of trust have always made me a tiny bit suspicious, but hand on heart nothing has ever really happened.

I found something the other night which didn't quite add up. My anxiety made me have a search through his things which is something I haven't done in years. When he came in from work, I asked him to just explain and he did completely. Felt much better but forgot to admit I'd had a dig around. He found I'd looked through his drawer. He went absolutely mad and I was honest and told him I'd had a snoop and reasons why and apologised.

He wants to call it a day says he's not happy. He can barely look at me. I feel terrible. I don't want my little family to split up. I've begged him to change his mind. We've been through similar once before. He says I've pushed him away and will never trust him. I actually do. I love him very much. probably haven't shown it enough. I've taken him for grafted and we are in a bit of a rut I guess.

Just need a hand hold through this. I have work today a long shift where have to be smiling and on the ball and don't know how I'll get through it. Haven't slept a wink. Please try to be gentle.

I'm in my 40's and I feel so vulnerable and worried about the future. I'd literally do anything to try and make things better. I think it might be too late.

If you have got this far

Thank you

You don't have to go anywhere. He does!

They aren't married so (assuming he didn't ring fence the deposit) all she's legally entitled to is half of the equity on the house and child maintenance. If she can't afford to pay the mortgage on her own she won't be able to keep the house.

@MarthasGinYard this whole ordeal sounds horrific. I would also have phoned in sick. Hope you are ok

Just wanted to send

He has obviously had a while to think about this whereas for you it is a massive shock. Don't be railroaded into any decisions until you are ready regarding your home. I agree he is not your friend now.

If you are constantly questioning his every move and action I would get quite sick of it myself. Not taking sides here but if has to reassure you endlessly that would be exhausting. If not the case then he is overreacting and is hiding something?

Tonight he said goodnight to Dd and the cat and just walked past me.

Pathetic, in front of his own Dd

I mean nothing Is going to be sorted overnight and I feel he needs to grow iup.

Yes he does, if only for dds sake. It sounds like he is getting some kind of weird enjoyment from his "power" over you/the situation. Try not to let him see it is overly affecting you (easier said than done I know having been through similar) but icy reserve is your friend. You sound like you are doing really well x

Why on earth is my new morning waking at 1.57?

Going to have to get something tmrw to help me sleep.

What I've done and apologised for and explained about so delicately just doesn't match with this kind of nastiness at all. Especially if he's got what he wanted at the end of the day and feels 'relieved'

Keep thinking of my DM and Dad and that for some reason makes me cry.

I'm worrying sick about telling Dd she is so clingy at the moment l, and overly worried. I can tell she knows something.

She started a new school last term and had settled in so well. I'm just feeling rising panic when I think about the moment telling her. I feel like I want her to know when we tell her that it's not what mummy wanted. I know I can't. She's nothing to do with any of the bad stuff. This is all caused by us, especially me this time.

Yesterday was tough, if off on a Sunday, we normally go out for a lovely late lunch or cook something nice and have a walk altogether. So glaringly obvious to her.

I'm a massive planner. This just getting through each day thing is so difficult.

I plan to stay with Dd at a friends house tmrw night as we had plans for the girls on Tuesday. When I asked her if she wanted to go she said 'does that mean I won't see daddy at all tmrw, I'll have to phone him' these are things she would never normally say.

He will be up for work soon, I'm in our bed tonight. I'm certainly mastering crying in silence. Didn't realise it was possible.

I'm new to this thread but I have rtft. This happened to me Marthas and although it was 30 years ago, I still remember that sick feeling and being unable to eat, sleep, work, etc.

You just said that what you've done and apologised for doesn't match with this kind of nastiness at all.
This sounds very similar to the ending of my first marriage (of 20 years) and I found out later that he'd wanted to end it for some time but didn't have the courage. And that when he finally did, he'd had to put on a cold, hard act to help him go through with it and continue with the breakup.
I wonder if that's what's happening here Marthas? It does hurt incredibly though because one minute you have the closeness and the next minute it's not only completely gone, but you have this extremely harsh coldness. It's very unfair because you get no warning.

So I completely understand where you're coming from and agree with other posters that you and dd should not leave your home and should get legal advice as soon as possible (even though you don't feel up to it). So sorry, it's bloody awful

Massive revelation this morning.

I spoke to him before work downstairs. I reiterated to him about being civil in front of Dd. He wasn't particularly receptive but agreed. I actually also spoke to him re 'does the punishment really meet the crime'

Seems crux of it is actually something completely different.

We were planning having an extension on the house mainly driven by me as we are desperate for the space. He is a big earner and a couple of years ago inherited about 200,000 in shares etc as well as other items. He has other items about 300,000 in total I'd say. Sorry to talk about money, but all relative.

When he inherited, after a couple of months I did mention perhaps we could pay off a bit of the mortgage. I was told In no uncertain terms that 'it's my money my aunt has left it for my old age' which indeed she had written a note about it being used for his later life.

His aunt never had dc and had no mortgage very different to his life with a young family. To me having lots of shares as a pastime as she had, was fine. I used to fear he would lose money but never felt great discussing it.

A couple of months ago he made mention of 'you can buy the kitchen in this extension' which I kind of laughed off and said I certainly couldn't do that outright.

Last week he made mention of me getting another part time job which I had been looking into doing but again my banter let me down.

Can you see where this is going. He said this morning he was sick of being the one to have to come up with all the cash and felt I could have done more. I asked him why on Earth he hadn't had a serious conversation about this with me if it was eating away at him so much.

Of course I could have done more and would have. Our jobs are also not incredibly secure at the moment so extension kept getting put back. I just kept thinking it's not as if we have to remortgage.

I come from a family where money is very much shared. He is very different to me. If I won 200,000 on the lottery tmrw I'd pay our mortgage off.

When we moved in together asked how we would split paying bills etc and he insisted he would pay but obviously I've always contributed in many other ways. Food, Dd clothes, to school fees, holidays etc.

I told him I was hurt and angry that he hadn't made a big point of telling me he was unhappy with the situation and obviously let it fester.

It's made me feel crap but I feel he should have been more direct.

Please don't think I'm some pampered princess here who lived off her DP couldn't be further from the truth.

He is very difficult to speak to right now. I feel strongly about this and may word a letter to him.

Fillipe

Thank you.

I'm sorry you went through this too. Sounds a similar situation.

I think you've done what a lot of women do, taken a back seat career wise to raise your children.

Answer me this, if you weren't around and your DP has sole responsibility for your DC, would be have been able to have work up to such a senior role that pays as well as it does? If the answer is no, he could t because of childcare restrictions, working hours etc - then he needs to remember that YOU have given him the opportunity to further his career! And as a result you've not been able to financially contribute, but rather you've contributed to the household in other ways, such as childcare and admin etc.

I'm sorry OP but it sounds like he's looking for excuses to leave

Oh Marthas, it's not quite as simple as it seemed is it?

Money can be such a major spanner in the works and oddly enough, my dad had an aunt who pandered like that, wanted to keep him a little boy and not have to share. He gambled away the house deposit when we four children were under 7 and my mum had to fight to keep the house. It blighted her life with financial insecurity and that filtered down to the children also.

I would urge you NOT to write a letter to him. He really has made up his mind and it was nothing really to do with the last incident, that has been brewing for a while and this was an excuse. I agree that you don't just chuck away 12 years with a young child.. not unless you have really thought about it, and it's clear that he has. He's been really unkind to you.

See a solicitor, keep your thoughts to yourself - or with a trusted friend - and do tell your parents, you need support. Tell him nothing now.

The reason why you're up so early is because your body is in 'flight or fight' mode. It knows that you need to be alert and protecting yourself and your daughter and that anxiety is keeping you from proper sleep. That happened to me too.

Make an appointment to see a solicitor and get proper advice - then your daughter needs to be told.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, I really am.

It’s truly awful op, the number he’s doing on you here.
What. A.Bastard.

I think the best thing for you to do is to proceed with separation with HIM leaving the house.

Your dh is a terrible person and he’s gaslighting you to fuck.

Whoknew

Thank you

I was always full time until having Dd. I took maternity leave a full 12 months and went back part time.

His work has taken him away for long stretches very regularly which was hard in the early days. There was no way we could both have worked full time.

His main gripe is that he says I'm wasted and should be in a higher role be it part time. I've been doing my job for over 20 years I'm good at it but I'm no leader.

It's a job where I actually only probably work about 5/6 days a month.

I will certainly need to look at upping my hours.

Lying

Thanks so much

I honestly wondered if posters would think I'm some kind of awful free loader or something.

I wish he'd communicated more directly with me.

Talking about important things was never his strong point

Beer

Thanks for support

Sadly I think we will eventually have to leave.

He is adamant

I'm too raw to discuss with him now though.

martha

It’s not you - it’s HIM.

Please don’t blame yourself. You sound like a lovely person and a great mum. You need to start focusing on you and your child and your future without your dh.
He’s not your friend anymore.

I did send this earlier in s text

Don’t write any more texts and letters to him.

Make an appointment with a solicitor TODAY and get some legal advice.

Speaking about to this a third party will help you realise how utterly foul your ex-partner is being.

Followed by these

I also sent that I would continue my payments towards Dd school fees, as and when I can.

Not my greatest moment and I won't send anymore.

He sounds like he's been seeing himself as a (put upon) individual rather than a family for some time then.

Please don't blame yourself over the ticket/statement incident. Even if you think you were in the wrong about that, it's not the real cause of this. He has wanted out for a good while - perhaps since before the inheritance - it was an excuse to blow up at you over that.

Definitely get legal advice and don't move out, no matter how adament he is. He has been planning this for a long while and obviously has a plan for how things should proceed based on what is best for him, but he doesn't get to decide all of that. Get your legal advice and have a long hard think about what's best for your daughter and you.

He still has a responsibility to contribute towards his daughters home.

'Application under the Trust of Land and Appointment of Trustees Act together with/or an application under Schedule 1 of the Children Act will determine whether you get to stay in the property. Whether you will get the order or not depends on a number of factors. One of the main ones is affordability, so if he's sitting on a pile of cash such that he can pay off the mortgage and still have enough to buy a house for himself affordability is not an issue.

Speak to a solicitor.'

Good news this gratefully just came in from my thread on legal.

Drs today and am going to sort appointment with solicitor.

The bit about holiday pertains to him saying either he can go or I can go.

I can't stand being apart from Dd at the moment. It's Monday to Friday it's too long if he takes her.

I may look at seeing if s friend and her dc can come it sleeps 6

I really am day to day, the thought of going on my first holiday alone with her is daunting. I'm worried I will feel lonely and she will miss her dad being there.

I know I will, we had a lovely little break a few weeks ago

Just caught up with this- basically he's come into money and doesn't want you or your child together to benefit in terms of improving the house. I think he's had one foot out the door for a while.

In terms of you working, sounds like up to now, the ability to work away from home has been precious to him and greatly increased his earning power. Now your child is 12, she doesn't need childcare so much if he goes away for a week (but still someone around!) so he feels you should step up. Trouble is, you haven't spent the last 12 years facilitating your own career have you? Stepping up after stepping back is hard as it's not all in place to do so. You will probably have to do more hours/increase opportunities though when you separate.

I feel very sorry for you. It's clear the credit card statement was just the final straw/ruse to leave you- he's got the money and he's off. You are not married so won't have a right to that money, which you would have done on marriage (or at least a fairer division of assets) but you do have that legal interest in the house and you should exercise it for sure otherwise you will have really nothing except a worse career for that 12 years (and a lovely child of course!)

I think you will get a lot of support on these boards moving forward if it helps. So glad you have friends in RL to to offload to. See that solicitor, even more than one.