Devastated

[MarthasGinYard]

Have had an up and down relationship with a good DP for almost 12 years. I would say last 12 months much stronger.

Very Early worries of trust have always made me a tiny bit suspicious, but hand on heart nothing has ever really happened.

I found something the other night which didn't quite add up. My anxiety made me have a search through his things which is something I haven't done in years. When he came in from work, I asked him to just explain and he did completely. Felt much better but forgot to admit I'd had a dig around. He found I'd looked through his drawer. He went absolutely mad and I was honest and told him I'd had a snoop and reasons why and apologised.

He wants to call it a day says he's not happy. He can barely look at me. I feel terrible. I don't want my little family to split up. I've begged him to change his mind. We've been through similar once before. He says I've pushed him away and will never trust him. I actually do. I love him very much. probably haven't shown it enough. I've taken him for grafted and we are in a bit of a rut I guess.

Just need a hand hold through this. I have work today a long shift where have to be smiling and on the ball and don't know how I'll get through it. Haven't slept a wink. Please try to be gentle.

I'm in my 40's and I feel so vulnerable and worried about the future. I'd literally do anything to try and make things better. I think it might be too late.

If you have got this far

Thank you

He's not more entitled to the house because he's earned more. You've been the primary carer for your child. Don't leave and don't let him bully you financially. He sounds like he's being a right dick. Who tries to kick their own child out?

I agree there's more going on than op realises but I don't think it's from her looking in a drawer. He doesn't sound like a nice guy.

Thanks Plink

Your post is very kind.

There is some really valuable points I am taking in from this thread on both a practical and emotional level.

I honestly appreciate the support.

He has appeared unexpectedly home from work I had sorted out a wad of papers to copy mortgage stuff etc and some other bits. They were in the Hall I've moved them but don't think he's seen them.

Just don't want him to see I've been getting stuff together.

He's playing table football now in the lounge with Dd.

I'm going to nip and meet a friend who went through similar years ago.

And had an awful time

Gkad you're able to take some positive action already. Do NOT leave your home, what kind of man thinks its Ok to throw his daughter out of her home?

*I don't see the issue with calling in sick to work. I think most folks would have done the same,

I'm a bit bemused though op about his anger and the way he's treating you.

Are you sure there isn't something else going on? There isn't someone else for him, or you've not behaved worse than you've admitted to?

His anger, abusive behaviour and trying to get you and your child to leave seems extremely over the top for what you've described occurred.*

This. His reaction is disproportionate to OP's actions.

The crux seemed to be that I went in the draw before I'd had chance to tell him I'd looked.

He was so angry about that bit more so than the clarification of the two tickets. He said I'd left it in a state and was so disrespectful. Then I said I meant to say I'd checked which genuinely I did but had only just walked back through the door and didn't get chance.

I keep playing it back in my mind.

The ticket bit he wasn't too bothered about. I'm sure he might have asked me if he'd have seen the same.

It might be disproportionate to you, Ican, I quite often see posters raging about chocolate all the time on AIBU and I don't 'get it'. I understand that's how they feel about it though.

I'm thinking how I would feel about my husband going through my stuff. I would hate it. There's no reason for him to do it, and he'd definitely leave it in a mess. I would be angry - maybe disproportionately to you.

I used to feel the same about my brothers going into my room to read my diary and go through my 'stuff'. No need.

OP says that her partner isn't cheating, hasn't given her reason to snoop, explained the ticket to her satisfaction. There's been no talk of an OW (from the OP), yet posters are telling her that 'there's always more to it'. That's pretty unkind to the OP.

It may be that there is more to it. It may also be the case that there just isn't and that he has leapt on this as an opportunity to end the relationship. Speculating about what's behind is isn't going to help the OP because that's all it is, speculation/gossip.

Perhaps MarthasGinYard doesn't mind; I would be very hurt to be shouted down as she's been, by posters doing nothing more than projecting.

Good lord you have had some harsh responses on here with absolutely no merit. The why's and wherefores of the reasons he wants to separate are irrelevant no although it's probably going to be OW. He's being awful to you. If you split you need to split well as you have a DD to consider. I would look at mediation and have a clear idea before you attend as to what you think is fair and equitable and best for everyone. Do not leave the house. Good luck OP, you are going through some tough stuff here. Be kind to yourself.

'Perhaps MarthasGinYard doesn't mind; I would be very hurt to be shouted down as she's been, by posters doing nothing more than projecting.'

I'm trying to just ignore the posts that are so clearly off on a tangent.

Thank you

Thanks Wellies

I'm thinking how I would feel about my husband going through my stuff. I would hate it. There's no reason for him to do it, and he'd definitely leave it in a mess. I would be angry - maybe disproportionately to you

We would all hate it. No one likes that, your partner snooping through your stuff leaving it in a mess. Most people would be angry.

But there is angry and there is ending your twelve year relationship over it angry, and then there is ending your twelve year relationship and trying to chuck your partner and child out immediately and being abusive level of angry.

I'm sorry but that's just so disproportionate based on what's been said about it's context.

I agree with bluntness . I think he has been planning to leave for a while and this just gave him the excuse.

Either way, there’s no point in going over the event with the statement in your head. This is something that has been building for months or even years , it’s not about that one moment.

I suspect there may be other reasons that he’s leaving but if so , that will all come out in the wash.,

I don't disagree with you, Bluntness, I think that Martha's partner has been unhappy for some time and this was the last straw. We only know what's been posted, a relationship is myriad things, hundreds, thousands of interactions over such a long time.

The reason why I personally think this was on the cards was when Martha said that 'he'd been lovely recently' and that the relationship was great. Sometimes, it can be a big relief to come to terms with the inevitable end only Martha didn't know it. He did. Some people also feel guilt that they will be soon calling a halt to the relationship and try to make the remaining time nice whilst knowing that there will be an end and the next incident will trigger it.

I think that end the relationship in this way wasn't kind and it wasn't the thing that a loving partner would do but, he's not a partner any more and said that he didn't love the OP any more.

It's really sad for her and so shocking but for him, he must have known this was coming so it's easy enough to be objective and matter-of-fact about the ending.

The alternative would be that he flew off the handle and just ended things abruptly. Martha hasn't said that he has any tendency for that.

On the OW thing that wellies so kindly saw fit to put a cowardly boot in about, how would any woman feel to be told (without basis) that their partner who has ended the relationship, has done so because there is a woman out there that he prefers? It's incredibly unkind to do that. If it does turn out to be so then hopefully, OP would be further along in getting her life back in order in the new direction and would be in a better place to hear it.

There are too many posters on this board who really get off on other people's misery and they cloak it in faux-concern.

This has happened to me,I'm going through this at the moment so it's not cowardly. IThere was another woman for me. It would be utterly guileless not to consider it a possibility. It's ridiculous to just not consider it as a possibility.

And I do not get off on others misery!

I'm another one here who thinks his reaction disproportionate. I'm wondering if he's been looking for an exit, and you've inadvertently provided him with the perfect excuse.

It was the striking out that made me think that, wellies. I'm really sorry that you're going through this, it's a crappy situation. That said, not every situation is going to be the same. OP's partner has been really unthinking and unkind to Martha, no doubt about it, bu to suggest that there's an OW when she's had no thoughts of this is just lazy and reductive.

The 'getting off on it' posters were way back up the thread by the way. It's always the same ones.

Anger like this, this extreme. Only happens for a few real reasons.

if someone has issues and previous for it. That doesn't seem to be the case here.

Or it happens if something really bad happens and the reaction is as extreme as the event. This also doesn't seem to be the case here unless something is missing.

Or it happens if someone eventually cracks. That their treatment has been so bad,they have been so unhappy, for so long that they just snap. That could be the case here

Or it happens if someone feels guilty. It's like a defense thing. That could also be the case here.

It's the wanting the op and their child to leave, and saying he will fight her that I'm struggling with, who tries to get their own kid out?

I'm struggling with the 'I'll fight you' bit too.

Ultimately Dd and I will be moving out but I won't be entering into anything whilst he's so so angry.

I walked in earlier and he was making tea he did ask if I wanted one but is still off hand and in that angry zone.

Don't move out op. Not unless he buys you out. Do not do it.

I welled up earlier over the most ridiculous thing.

I buttered a bread roll for Dd lunch and they are still well in date. I bought them when I was shopping with him Thursday pleasantly having a normal
Time.

My relationship is over and those bread rolls are still in date.

Crazy

To address the OW thing

Definite no for so many different reasons.

I've a feeling he will move on quickly though.

Don't they always

Don't move out, seek legal advice, you are the main carer and on the deeds. Please please get legal advice asap. Then at least any action you take you will do in the full knowledge of the consequences. If you go into private rental, it's a nightmare worrying about if they will renew the tenancy when you have children and they are settled in schools, I know as I did it for 10 years. The house may have to be sold and two smaller flats purchased, so be it but don't let your guilt over the looking at one blinking credit card statement push you into rash moves that will not benefit your life stability or that of your child.

I'm not going to just move out and be rushed.

The thought of it all I can't deal with yet.

And yes I do need some legal advice.

Absolutely

Why should your DD have to uproot? I have seen the effect it has had on my children. I had to move for tje second time in 5 months during Whitsun week when my DC should have been revising for GCSEs. Get an initial free legal consultation. You don't have to go anywhere. He does!