WWYD DH touching me when I'm asleep

[cpjoli]

This morning I woke up to my DH touching me intimately. It's not the first time. I just laid there until he rolled over. No sex happened. I got up as I couldn't settle. I have a history of being abused and being attacked which he knows about.
I'm really upset by it.
WWYD?

I don't know how to quote, but

'he may think as you’re married and I assume sexually involved, you’ve consented to intimacy with him'

is absolutely not the case. Being married does not equal consent.

Yea what a asshole.

You definitely need to leave as he may rape one day.

@vixfromthestix

I didn’t say being married does mean that. I said HE MAY THINK that. And he may need to be told otherwise. And then you may need to see how he responds from there. And if he continues then yes, it’s a problem.
I said that if he’s a decent man in other respects, does he not deserve that chance?

Me and my dh do this to each other all the time. We like it.

However, if one of us did not like it and told the other, it would stop. It’s all about respect.

No, an assumption of consent shouldn't be taken, ever as far as I'm concerned.

@vixfromthestix

Please tell me where I’ve said it’s OK.

I’ve said, rightly or wrongly, people in long term and otherwise loving relationships DO assume consent to certain amounts of touching. And may not realise they’ve got it wrong without being told.
I’m not saying therefore it should be allowed, I simply saying it’s bound to happen and does happen and people sometimes need to set explicit boundaries, which hopefully their partners will respect.

@DBML

So, you aren’t happy that my opinion is shown in my previous posts and think my true feelings lie in one deleted post?

You challenged me to prove you agreed with Lisa! I did! No acknowledgment of that?

Just like you aren’t acknowledging my other posts. You seem to want to grasp on to me as the ‘bad person’ and refuse to say what exactly was wrong with my advice to op, from reading my own thread.

As for Lisa’s post, I can’t remember what aspect of it I agreed with and it’s impossible to prove now. I think my own posts perfectly sum up my feelings though, for anyone concerned.

I never said assuming was ok.

I said that it can be without malicious intent.

Intent is absolutely irrelevant.

If a man genuinely believes I will enjoy him having sex with me when I am passed out drunk, is it ok?

If a man hears a woman say she's a lesbian and thinks 'if I have sex with her she'll enjoy it so much she'll realise she's not gay' and then rapes her, does it matter that he didn't have malicious intent?

NO. Intent has nothing to do with it. It's actions that matter.

The absolute best thing that can be said about OP's partner is that he didn't care what her boundaries were. That doesn't make what he did ok.

If you started dating my husband, he might be shocked at how different the relationship boundaries are and may make a few mistakes before settling into a routine with you.

He won't 'make mistakes'. He will either have enough respect and decency to ask in advance if I want to have sex with him or engage in specific sex acts, or he will be a rapist / abuser.

Is this not forgivable? Would you not just tell him what you don’t want and see how he adjusted? Or would you scream abuser and leave him at the first instance?

Rape and abuse are not forgivable and I would leave the moment somebody engaged in a sex act with me without asking my consent first.

It is every person's job to ask for consent before engaging in a sex act. It is NOT acceptable to do whatever the fuck you want and then apologise after if the other person didn't want it.

You are literally legitimising the behaviour of rapists. Men who take advantage of women hear views like yours and think 'so it's ok that I had sex with her without asking, because I didn't know in advance that she wouldn't want it.'

@DBML

I’ve quoted the posts for you, so it’s not impossible. You agreed with it all, you actually said that you tried to say the same thing. Very convenient that you can’t recall it so I’ll repost for you:

@DBML

Please quote me where I have said I agreed with that

Ok I will. Lisa said

all you weman need to know that a marrage is a two way thing the sooner you understand that the better

he is your husband are you insecure about your body so what let you husband have a play it’s called marriage

You replied:

Lisa I tried to say that earlier and got called a rape apologist. So, if it’s that bad, she just leave. Being on your own is better than submitting to repeated sexual abuse, if that’s what op thinks it is.

@Vasya

Wow. OK. Well, I can see this is very black and white to you.
So what do you think the OP should do?

@Coffeeandcherrypie

Ok, I can see you are just going to keep reposting the same thing.

So, what would your advice to op be?

Or rather, what should I have been advising OP to do?

@Vasya you are like a dog with a bone. You just want to keep going. On and on and on.

I’ve already posted my advice to OP.

I’m not the thread police, I wouldn’t presume to tell you what to advise OP but I reserve the right to challenge you on whatever it is.

So what would you challenge me on as far as my advice is concerned? I’m looking for some constructive criticism here.

@Thornhill58

Vasya you are like a dog with a bone. You just want to keep going. On and on and on.

Why do people always say the dog with a bone comment when they’ve lost the argument? It translates as ‘stop arguing with , it’s not faiiiiiir*

I already have challenged you. Read up thread .

Or am I meant to quote more posts that you refuse to acknowledge?

No, you’ve just argued and referred to partial comments that you say I fully agreed with.

You are yet to pick out a bit of advice I gave and tell me what was wrong with it. And I’d like to know.

Or are you just looking for the argument?

No doubt you will come back with a reference to Lisa’s quote and disregard my own advice.
I think you are trolling me. I don’t think you can say anything was wrong with my advice.

@DBML nope, I’ve posted your full response to Lisa. Go back and check.

I’m not trolling but I’m unsure why you think I’m your secretary that I have to go back and summarise posts for you?

You didn’t post Lisa’s full post though and I was just right wasn’t I!

You just want the argument.

I did post Lisa’s full post. If you don’t believe me, go up and re read Quartz who also quoted and posted Lisa’s post before it was deleted. You keep saying the same thing again and again, it’s clear you’re on a wind-up.