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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I cheated

146 replies

YS00 · 09/08/2019 11:16

I've not used mumsnet in long time but I can't bring myself to talk to anyone about this. My DH works away most of the time and our relationship hasn't been great, we're not really talking properly when we are together. I just feel so alone all the time, I spend all my time with our young DC who I love dearly but I've missed adult conversation. So the other night I finally got the to go out and see some friends I haven't seen in a long time. I had a great time and as everyone started to leave a friend suggested coming back to his for a bit. Nothing out of the ordinary, we've been friends for years, I hadn't seen him in a long time and he only lived round the corner. It started off as just a catch up and a few more drinks, I told him about how I was struggling with my DC and with DH being away. We ended up kissing then having sex, before we DTD we agreed it would only be a one time thing. I regret it now more than anything. I don't even know what I was thinking, I think it was a mixture of everything that's going on and just being a bit too drunk. I'm going to have to tell DH aren't I? I'm scared this is going to be the end of our marriage

OP posts:
movingontosomethingnew · 09/08/2019 11:18

Is he likely to find out from anyone else?

Original poster
YS00 · 09/08/2019 11:19

I don't think so, we've agreed not to tell anyone about it

OP posts:
isitautumnyet · 09/08/2019 11:20

You should always be honest and tell the truth . I'd be devastated if my husband did that to me and even more so if he hid it. Xx

ChampagneCommunist · 09/08/2019 11:21

Just move to on. If you have both agreed to say nothing, stick to that.

Parent999 · 09/08/2019 11:22

Yes you have to tell him. Whether the marriage is over is up to him.

If there is a positive to be found its at least not a long time affair and the decision was taken whilst drunk.
I have some friends in which she slept with someone else when drunk. It was really rough for a while but eventually they took a year out and went travelling. They have stayed together over 20 years now. It can be done. good luck

MyAppleTree · 09/08/2019 11:24

You have issues in your marriage clearly, I think you won’t be able to live with the secret it’ll eat you up. Suggest marriage counselling and tell him why.

Yes it may end your marriage.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 09/08/2019 11:28

I'm scared this is going to be the end of our marriage Well should of kept your knickers on then 🤷🏻‍♀️

You cheated because you wanted to, this guy didn’t hold a gun to your head oh and please give up the drunk and lonely because dh works away bullshit.

This will 100% happen again, his a friend, he lives around the corner. It’s not like it was a one night stand with a random you didn’t know and will never see again.

Yes you tell your dh, whether this marriage ends should be his decision not the cheats.

Kaddm · 09/08/2019 11:30

You need to forget about this and not tell him. It was once only and a mistake. Nothing good can come of it. He’s hardly likely to change the fact that a) he is not home much and b) the pair of you don’t interact well when he is, based on a cheating revelation. There is some likelihood of an immediate divorce though.

Just don’t do it again and try to work on your marriage. It’s not really the same as a physical and emotional affair lasting months for many reasons. Firstly the time/emotional energy you spent cheating is tiny. Most cheaters are frequently carving out time at the expense of their family, compounding the problem. Secondly you didn’t plan it and won’t repeat it.

I really do have a dim view of cheaters, my dh recently had a 2yr affair with a colleague. The damage is hideous. I don’t think it is the same as what you did though.

Original poster
YS00 · 09/08/2019 11:34

He lives around the corner from where we were, I live quite far away

OP posts:
itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 09/08/2019 11:39

I'm scared this is going to be the end of our marriage Well should of kept your knickers on then 🤷🏻‍♀️

This!!!

Tell him - it's unfair for him to live a lie thinking he has a faithful wife at home while he goes out to work to pay the bills when you're anything but

Parent999 · 09/08/2019 11:42

Tell him quickly, the longer it goes on the more damage is done.
Like MyAppleTree said you need couples counselling. I would book a sole session and ask for advice on how to tell him, then hope to God he eventually agrees to go with you for the next session. Even if its just to work out how to split healthily.

Chocolate123 · 09/08/2019 11:42

Cheating is cheating regardless of a once off or a two year affair. You need to be honest and tell the truth if he leaves you you've no one blame but yourself

thepinkp · 09/08/2019 11:43

See there is a time when your drunk and chatting to someone then there's a time when you've got you clothes off and f*cking someone.. not a mistake, you were consenting adults and had sex. Therefore you pay the consequences and tell your Husband. I hope it was worth it.

WasFatNowThin · 09/08/2019 11:43

I wouldn't tell your DH, but this will eat you up and consume your thoughts for quite some time, be prepared whatever you decide.

newmomof1 · 09/08/2019 11:45

You absolutely should tell him because you will either sleep with the friend again, or cut all ties and he'll start telling people what happened.

Your husband will find out.

Blueoasis · 09/08/2019 11:45

Fully agreed with P1nkHeartLovesCake.

You've made a mistake. Own it. If he leaves you, well you've deserved it and be loyal next time. All marriages have issues, doesn't mean you have to jump ontop of someone else.

You can't guarantee he won't find out. Your friend is likely to tell someone, and they will tell someone else etc. Gossip travels fast and your husband will likely find out. Tell him. And accept responsibility fully, don't blame him. He didn't make you do this. You did it all on your own.

Nesssie · 09/08/2019 11:51

before we DTD we agreed it would only be a one time thing. So you weren't that drunk then, if you had time to stop and discuss that you would only cheat on your husband this one time.

Tell him or keep quiet, but don't make excuses for your behaviour.

SallyWD · 09/08/2019 11:55

It's morally right to tell him but very difficult! You have to live with whatever choice you make just as you have to live with the guilt of what you've done.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/08/2019 12:02

before we DTD we agreed it would only be a one time thing

That suggests it was much more clinical than a one-time mistake...

This is going to be hard. There's no easy option for you here. Morally you should tell him and let him make the call on whether to stay and try and work things through with you, but he may well leave. Not telling him isn't going to be much easier, it will consume your thoughts, and you'll know that if he ever finds out, he's probably more likely to leave. You'll be lying to him all the time, constantly, from this point. At some point, he's likely to find out, most people do. It could be tomorrow, or in 5 years, or in 15 years, but secrets tend to come out in the end.

It is your call. You'll have people here who would want to know, and people who say they'd rather live in blissful ignorance as long as it didn't happen again. I'd want to know, and I'd leave, without question, but I'm not your husband.

Work12 · 09/08/2019 12:04

What a horrible situation. You know you did wrong obviously but then at some point, during even going back to his place, kissing, foreplay, actually having sex etc you could have stopped it but you pursued it, there was every intent. I think you should tell your husband and hopefully he will forgive you, if you don't tell him then it will either eat you up and the guilt will cause serious anxiety issues and then he will also think you are a liar and kept this thing a secret for the whole time. You need to tell him straight away in my opinion

Bunglefromrainbow · 09/08/2019 12:09

There's no right and wrong answer here.

I suspect that he'll find out, secrets have a way of eating away at us anyway so even if he doesn't find out from someone else, it's possible that at some point it will come from you. The sooner that point is the better.

I found out about my partners affair (not ONS) because she was being blackmailed by the OM. She had to tell me. Had she told me of her own steam it would have been far easier to deal with.

He has the right to know so I think tell him but it's between you and your conscience. If things have been tough he may stay and think it's time to prioritise your relationship, I know that I did. But many people can't get past cheating so there's a good chance you've just thrown away your marriage but these are the choices we make. If he finds out from someone else I don't think many marriages would survive that.

MMmomDD · 09/08/2019 12:18

In a black/white world of MN people don’t get to make mistakes; and if there is never any grey zones.
Absolute 100% morality and judgement rules.
However, it is your life. Your marriage is in a difficult place - and it’s not related to ONS, which is just a symptom. And a wake up call.
In your place - i’d think long and hard about what needs to happen to fix the marriage, or at least give it a good try to.
Or if you even want to work on it.
Then try to fix it - it leave.

ONS is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things here. For all you know, your H working away, has done it as well. Doesn’t change he state of the marriage.

Parent999 · 09/08/2019 12:18

By the way....
You'll need to get tested. You cant risk your husbands health too

Parent999 · 09/08/2019 12:19

There is NOTHING more soul destroying than having to have an STD test because the woman/man you love and mother/father of your children has been with someone else.

Skittlesandbeer · 09/08/2019 12:20

Nope. Keep it to yourself forever. Put it in the vault. Don’t tell him now, don’t tell him in therapy, don’t tell him when you’re loved up down the track and you’ve resolved your marriage issues.

So often ‘honesty is the best policy’ leads to people unburdening themselves to make themselves feel better. The partner never thanks you for that- they just end up covered in your vomit.

If this marriage is worth saving, and your DC’s childhoods with it, take this unfortunate incident as a serious wake up call and devote yourself to making it work with DH. Sacrifice yourself enough along that path so that you do private penance.

I don’t expect this view to be popular, but with kids involved I can’t get on board with ‘honesty’ being the be-all-and-end-all. Be more creative and determined to make it right.