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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I cheated

146 replies

YS00 · 09/08/2019 11:16

I've not used mumsnet in long time but I can't bring myself to talk to anyone about this. My DH works away most of the time and our relationship hasn't been great, we're not really talking properly when we are together. I just feel so alone all the time, I spend all my time with our young DC who I love dearly but I've missed adult conversation. So the other night I finally got the to go out and see some friends I haven't seen in a long time. I had a great time and as everyone started to leave a friend suggested coming back to his for a bit. Nothing out of the ordinary, we've been friends for years, I hadn't seen him in a long time and he only lived round the corner. It started off as just a catch up and a few more drinks, I told him about how I was struggling with my DC and with DH being away. We ended up kissing then having sex, before we DTD we agreed it would only be a one time thing. I regret it now more than anything. I don't even know what I was thinking, I think it was a mixture of everything that's going on and just being a bit too drunk. I'm going to have to tell DH aren't I? I'm scared this is going to be the end of our marriage

OP posts:
Pastryapronsucks · 09/08/2019 12:31

My partner had a ONS. He told me because of his guilt and because he wanted to work on our relationship (it was pretty shit at the time). He didn't know how to work at it without telling me.

TBH I would rather have not known, it was a one off with a woman he was never going to see again, very different to an affair.

I can never 'unknow' and no matter how much our communication etc has improved, knowing he was unfaithful had changed our relationship forever.

I would suck it up and do some serious work on your relationship. If it doesn't improve then leave. You can consider the guilt as you punishment for being such a dick.

Parent999 · 09/08/2019 12:31

@skittlesandbeer
Im interested to know if you or anyone you know have ever made this work? [keeping infidelity secret I mean]
Not picking, but genuinely interested. I often wondered if I really wanted to know, what would life be like now if I didnt. [unfortunately it was an ex that came back into the picture and I always suspected something was going on so ignorance wasnt really an option for me]

Work12 · 09/08/2019 12:33

skittlesandbeer so also be a creative liar. Yes she has got kids and she cheated on their dad, some people may be able to bury it but some people cant. How could she ever have a nice meal in a restaurant or chat to him on the settee and look him in the eyes knowing she has slept with someone else. How can people do this? I know I sound judgey and will make the op feel worse but I'm just glad it's not me! If the op had said it was a mistake which to be honest sleeping with someone can't be a mistake then i'd say i get it even though i don't but she fully had intentions agreeing with this guy that it would only happen once. The feelings before you make a decision and the feelings after are completely different and the op should have thought about it more! He's working away not down the pub with the lads on long weekend benders. Imagine if this was a load of blokes telling the man to lie to his wife about having sex with some tart. I really bloody hate cheating!

GinUnicorn · 09/08/2019 12:35

I think it’s important to know why you cheated or it will happen again. If you can address these issues and are confident that it was a one time terrible mistake I’d be inclined to keep quiet. I am not sure the truth will bring anything positive. I would think maybe just make sure it never happens again. Flowers

NomDeQwerty · 09/08/2019 12:36

Tell him. These things have a way of getting out. Also he needs to get himself tested. FWIW I think in time you'd probably cheat again given that you did it so easily this time. I don't buy the I was drunk excuse.

Parent999 · 09/08/2019 12:38

Nowadays if I found out my wife had gone back to a mans house, late at night after drinking this would be enough for me to end it. No one needs that kind of trouble in their life.

Work12 · 09/08/2019 12:40

I agree Parent999

formerbabe · 09/08/2019 12:40

If you trust the guy to not tell anyone, then don't tell your husband.

OurChristmasMiracle · 09/08/2019 12:43

I’m sorry but the fact that you agreed before it happened suggest that you were of clear enough mind to make sure it wouldn’t get back to your husband therefore the “I was drunk” doesn’t work. In fact I hate that excuse anyway tbh- being drunk doesn’t excuse shitty behaviour.

You need to be honest with your husband, and he may well leave you, however it sounds as if both of you are unhappy in the marriage anyway and maybe you were sabotaging the marriage so you could both have a way out.

NomDeQwerty · 09/08/2019 12:43

If you do decide to keep quiet have a think before you have sex with your H again. If he knew you'd had sex with someone else, would he still be having sex with you? There's a bit of a consent issue there - not legally but morally IMO.

Badcat666 · 09/08/2019 13:10

If this was a man posting this he would have had his balls chewed off by every poster on here.

So missing "adult conversation" leads to fucking a friend? A friend your husband most probably didn't see as a threat to your marriage?

You knew what you were doing. Do you want to tell him because you want to unburden yourself from your guilt of what you knowingly did? If it is then have you thought about what the fall out will be?

Do you think he will forgive you and throw himself at your feet sobbing and blaming himself for having to work away to keep a roof over your head?

He could just think "sod this" and divorce you. Perhaps that is what you want.

I'm hoping it's the latter.

Also I hope you used protection because if not that's another shitty thing to have done.

Mum4Fergus · 09/08/2019 13:20

Get an STD check and then show your DH some respect and tell him the truth. Next steps are down to him.

Faith50 · 09/08/2019 13:24

Your dh has a right to know. He can then make a choice to stay and work it out or leave. Do not take that choice from him. When people are betrayed, it is not only the act itself that devastates but the deceit and cover up that goes along with it. The longer the deceit goes on, the worse the consequences.

PumpkinP · 09/08/2019 13:40

I agree if this was a man the answers would be very different.

Ginger1982 · 09/08/2019 13:50

You should tell your DH and give him the opportunity to decide whether he wants to forgive you or not.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 09/08/2019 13:52

Isn’t it amazing on here if a man cheat, you must leave him immediately, fucking cut his balls off and hang him

If however you’ve got a vagina, it’s oh don’t tell your dh.

Got to love mumsnet and it’s double standards, I mean come of a cheat is a cheat regardless of sex

Maybe83 · 09/08/2019 14:21

I genuinely wouldn't not want to know if my husband had a drunken ONS.

Marriage is tough and the faithfulness for the rest of your life and when your marriage is under strain harder.

Clearly there is a big disconnect between you. You have to decide if you think that can be fixed.

I would deep down never forgive my husband if he had ons and told me which would end our marriage.

Really and for what a drunken mistake that he probably would deeply regret.

No I would be much happier living in oblivion but then again I accept people aren't perfect and make mistakes.

Maybe83 · 09/08/2019 14:24

Posted to soon, my own insecurities would drive me mad.

If I was the one to cheat he would want to know as he wouldnt want to live oblivion and most certainly would leave no going back no matter how much I regretted it.

MummyStruggles · 09/08/2019 14:29

Isn’t it amazing on here if a man cheat, you must leave him immediately, fucking cut his balls off and hang him
*
If however you’ve got a vagina, it’s oh don’t tell your dh.*

THIS ^^

CursedDiamond · 09/08/2019 14:31

Ok, two things. the to tell/not to tell debate...my partner and I have discussed this a number of times in our relationship, and both of us agreed that if it was a one off - and in particular if no one else knew, so we weren't 'the last ones to know' - we would rather not know. because you can forgive, but forgetting is hard, and also, it feels like you're just offloading the guilt through telling. The guilt is your punishment.

The second thing is...i've recently had to test this personally. I didn't think i would be a cheat, but there you go. it's a hard headspace to be in - you are forced to look very hard at yourself, and reassess what you knew about yourself. I would suggest you think carefully about why you did what you did, and what needs to be addressed in your relationship. Importantly, this isn't about whose fault it is, but how you can work to improve the relationship. You need to make amends by reinvesting in your relationship. Whether you tell your DH or not depends on the context of your own relationship - i don't think any of us can give you the answer there.

But be prepared for the guilt to be bad - maybe not right now, but it will come. I personally do not think you should make yourself feel better by unburdening that onto your spouse, and I would caution you to think very carefully about your motivations before you tell him.

CursedDiamond · 09/08/2019 14:32

And, for what it's worth, I would (and have) said the same thing to men in the past. It entirely depends on the motivations for straying, and the response to it afterwards, of course, but...no double standards on my part. Just a lot of grey area, which is not everyone's preferred moral standpoint.

formerbabe · 09/08/2019 14:36

I genuinely wouldn't not want to know if my husband had a drunken ONS

Agree. Many people say they'd want to know...but in reality, they wouldn't. If it was a one off and the cheating partner regrets it and won't ever do it again, then I'd say ignorance is bliss.

Parent999 · 09/08/2019 14:37

I have to agree there is double standards here on MN. There are plenty of examples on MN where its been the man cheating and there is not a single person justifying it or suggesting it was ok to conceal the affair. Not a single one.
Why arent these posters, who are advocating keeping quiet, posting on the other threads defending the mens decision to cheat and then hide it from their partners?

HoneyBeeHappy · 09/08/2019 14:41

On MN an affair wipes out everything else which went before it.

You could be living with a violent thug, but as soon as you have an affair people forget how that might have come about.

Nobody on here can know the details of your marriage but you. And an affair isn’t justified on the basis that a marriage is bad. However an affair is often a wake-up call as to the issues that do exist in a marriage.

What you need to consider here is what you really want to happen. You say that your marriage is in a difficult place. Do you want to work on it? It’s possible that an affair can be a wake-up call to two different things. Either that you actually realise how important your DH and your marriage is to you, in which case you need to have a serious discussion as to how you can put things right, or it is a realisation that in fact the marriage is over and you want out.

I have been where you are. Not with a friend or any kind of agreement that it would only be a one-off, but I’ve been in the position of being in a difficult marriage and then ending up having an ONS with someone else. And for me that was the wake-up call that made me realise I was in fact in an emotionally abusive relationship. I went home and told my DH and then told him that I wanted out. I let him be the wronged party. I held my hands up to adultery so he could get a quick divorce.

Sleeping with someone else is by far one of the most regretful things I have ever done, but it can be hard to see in black and white when you’re on the inside of a situation.

Before we split my ex did such things as switch off the boiler so I couldn’t have heating or hot water while he was out. Ridiculed me for the clothes I wore, the way I ate, took naked pictures of me while I was asleep. There’s more but I could be here all day, and eight years on I am still affected by some of the things he did which back then I seemed to fail to spot.

Two wrongs most definitely don’t make a right, but neither is the world that black and white.

But you need to start by thinking, seriously thinking about what this really means to you, and then take it from there.

CursedDiamond · 09/08/2019 14:45

Are there many threads started by men, disclosing that they've cheated? They tend to be started by women who have been cheated on and have found out. They are heartbroken...seems a bit callous to say at that point that they would have been happier if they'd never found out.

I also don't think it's ideal to keep it a secret - but i think we need to think carefully about why we are being 'honest'. And I'm not suggesting that that is a licence to repeatedly cheat, or have a long term affair. It's not the same thing.

Monogamy is hard, and mistakes (imo) happen...i know enough people where this has been the case to know that this happens much more often than we perhaps want to admit, or know about. It's not about sympathy, particularly, or excusing it. I'm not proud of what I've done, and it's clear the OP here isn't either. But it's about what you do with it now. If you engage in a long term affair, then yes...why the hell are you with your partner in the first place? But you fuck up once, and dedicate your energies to being the best partner you can be? I just (personally) think that's probably better for everyone all round than decades of hurt, staying together and the relationship 'never being the same', which is what i see on here all the time, where no one seems happy.

But it's my own view, and my agreement with my partner. Other couples may have 100% honesty policies, and that's their deal.