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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I cheated

146 replies

YS00 · 09/08/2019 11:16

I've not used mumsnet in long time but I can't bring myself to talk to anyone about this. My DH works away most of the time and our relationship hasn't been great, we're not really talking properly when we are together. I just feel so alone all the time, I spend all my time with our young DC who I love dearly but I've missed adult conversation. So the other night I finally got the to go out and see some friends I haven't seen in a long time. I had a great time and as everyone started to leave a friend suggested coming back to his for a bit. Nothing out of the ordinary, we've been friends for years, I hadn't seen him in a long time and he only lived round the corner. It started off as just a catch up and a few more drinks, I told him about how I was struggling with my DC and with DH being away. We ended up kissing then having sex, before we DTD we agreed it would only be a one time thing. I regret it now more than anything. I don't even know what I was thinking, I think it was a mixture of everything that's going on and just being a bit too drunk. I'm going to have to tell DH aren't I? I'm scared this is going to be the end of our marriage

OP posts:
VikVal · 10/08/2019 13:47

@YS00

Whatever we all think is somewhat irrelevant, you have to live with this and you know your marriage is a lie all the while you DH is none the wiser, he is in love with a woman who doesn't exist, that's the reality of it as harsh as it sounds. It will eat away at you and eventually, as with every dirty little secret I have ever known about, it will surface and the fallout will be far worse when it does. Please just do the right thing, tell him and what will be, will be.

Notallitseemstobe · 10/08/2019 13:53

I think the theory that cheaters will somehow be eaten away with guilt is a misguided notion. Thousands of people cheat without guilt or the growing need to confess.

Hopoindown31 · 10/08/2019 13:59

I think the theory that cheaters will somehow be eaten away with guilt is a misguided notion. Thousands of people cheat without guilt or the growing need to confess.

I agree, but also think it is irrelevant a cheater has already displayed their poor character, the fact that they may be able to live with the guilt is neither here nor there.

The more important point is that in this day and age of electronic communication, social media, STD and DNA testing it is becoming ever harder to conceal affairs and the likelihood is that the truth will out eventually and cause more damage than it would have if brought to light at the time. I have a friend who, through an innocent ancestry DNA test found out that her mother cheated on her father and she wasn't full siblings with any of her brothers and sisters (multiple OMs) - it has been utterly devastating to her and her family when her parents are in their 70s.

Original poster
YS00 · 10/08/2019 14:12

I haven't hid anything from him or lied to him, I do plan on telling him he's just not home at the moment so he's been around to tell

OP posts:
Work12 · 10/08/2019 15:04

Will you let us know the outcome? I know that may be out of order but I am curious as to what he will decide

Winterlife · 10/08/2019 15:10

I think it’s a mistake to tell him. What do you gain? You will hurt him.

I know the argument is, “He deserves to know so he can make a decision about his future.” But unless you separate, it will always gnaw at him. It won’t help your marriage.

Rapidmama · 10/08/2019 15:24

I had a very black and white view towards adultery for a long time. My own exDH cheated on me. I was massively on the side of it being the worst thing you could do, they deserve to know, what an awful character flaw etc etc.

As I’ve got older I’ve realised it isn’t that simple. It’s the main reason I stay single.

Many of us marry people who are our best friends. We spend years together tying ourselves tighter and tighter together with children, finances, daily life and affection. But people change.

Sex is a difficult subject to talk about on MN because there is an overriding opinion that sex is a “luxury extra” in a marriage and even if you have a dead bedroom it isn’t a reason to cheat.

I know people who are married to their best friends, they have kids and finances tied up so tight that to divorce would have far reaching consequences. But sexually. Nothing. So one of them fulfils their sexual needs elsewhere. I’m not so sure it’s the worst thing in the world anymore.

I choose to be single because I don’t want to only have sex with the same person for the rest of my life. I’m not entirely sure it’s natural. (I don’t however go near married men).

OP you made a mistake. If I was sure it wouldn’t ever come out I’d sit DH down and be very clear on the state of your marriage and it’s now do or die. He may not want to fix things, you may realise you don’t want to. But I wouldn’t tell.

Biancadelrioisback · 10/08/2019 16:36

Totally disagree with you Rapid.
Couples who agree to satisfy their sexual urges outside of the marriage are not cheating. It's one of the rules of their marriage. No one person gets to make that decision without the other.

And if you can't be honest with your life partner then get a new one or don't have one.
No one deserves to be lied to and betrayed.

AMAM8916 · 10/08/2019 17:14

I would say the same to a man in all honesty. If a man came on here saying he had a one night stand, felt awful and would never do it again, I would say the same as I said to the OP which is forget it, move on and take it as a wake up call that she needs to work on her marriage.

If it happened again or she felt the need to get attention from other men, then that's a different matter. There's a difference between one mistake that you regret and making a total fool of your partner. This isn't a case where she's made a fool of him in my view.

I honestly think confessing to something like a one stand is only for the benefit of the cheater. Carrying the guilt and feeling ashamed for a while with no one to say 'I forgive you' is probably a harsher lesson

Rapidmama · 10/08/2019 17:42

@Biancadelrioisback, equally not one person gets to agree to a sexless marriage without the input of another. But many do.

boltoflightning · 10/08/2019 17:51

It’s funny isn’t it. Mumsnet. If a guy did this to his wife he’d be torn to shreds. Yet here, a woman cheats on her husband and you get some sympathy.

Can someone explain please.

And I have no sympathy op.

cccameron · 10/08/2019 18:13

I think you are crazy to tell him and actually really fucking selfish. The only reason you are telling him is to assuage your own guilt. I'm sure it will make you feel better however it's going to probably cause your DH alot of pain, and for what? It was a one off, not going to happen again so why fuck with his head?

Biancadelrioisback · 10/08/2019 18:38

If course it'll happen again. It always happens again.
And finding out last year's down the line feels awful

Biancadelrioisback · 10/08/2019 18:41

Rapid very fair point and equally unfair to the relationship. I don't think that makes cheating okay. Surely if it comes down to the only way I can have sex is with someone other than my partner, I need to have a very open and honest conversation with said partner? Rather than dropping your knicks when they aren't around. If no agreement can be made then clearly the relationship isn't working

Original poster
YS00 · 10/08/2019 18:42

I'm not sure it will make me feel better. But would keeping from him really be the better thing to do?

OP posts:
fernandoanddenise · 10/08/2019 18:47

Yes. Keep quiet and make sure it doesn’t happen again would be my advice. People make mistakes.

HoneyBeeHappy · 10/08/2019 18:52

I think whether it will happen again is very much dependent on where the OP sees her marriage going.

It’s very clear that there are issues within the marriage. If those issues aren’t resolved then it is likely to happen again. If however the OP recognises this as a reason to work on her marriage and her dh agrees that the marriage needs to be worked on then it’s highly possible that she won’t do it again.

MN are too quick to jump to the “once a cheat, always a cheat” assumption, whereas many people cheat in one relationship and not in another, or cheat in their youth and don’t follow that through as they get older.

I can say with certainty that I wouldn’t ever cheat again.

Cheating is always wrong, but that doesn’t make it a black and white issue.

Statistically more people cheat than don’t. That tells us something about the society we live in rather than about people as individuals.

Biancadelrioisback · 10/08/2019 18:53

Keeping it from him is cruel and will ultimately end up causing him more pain. Shitty way to treat someone you supposedly love.

Winterlife · 10/08/2019 20:08

I'm not sure it will make me feel better. But would keeping from him really be the better thing to do?

If you want to stay married, and don't intend on straying again, then yes. Telling him, as a PP pointed out, is to assuage your guilt, not to benefit your husband.

Dadaist · 10/08/2019 20:39

OP - I’m often the first to say that you should confess- or you can never make things right.
The advice you’ve had about ‘family unit

Dadaist · 10/08/2019 20:46

Sent too soon!
The advice you’ve had about thinking about ‘the family unit’ is despicable-and isn’t the issue.
The issue is that you and DH are drifting apart. You need to discuss this first. For all anyone knows your DH has also been unfaithful. Once you’ve started to address this with him then perhaps you can speak honestly.
If this really and genuinely is something you never wish to repeat then perhaps it is something that can be forgiven-most people understand the power of temptation when in a dark place. But - don’t lie! That is the key to it. If you are asked directly- don’t lie, deny, gaslight etc. It’s a path to hell for both of you.

Hopoindown31 · 10/08/2019 21:11

For all anyone knows your DH has also been unfaithful.

Peak MN right here. Woman confesses an affair and you suggest that her DH may have cheated. Would you ever do that for a man confessing on her or to a woman who has discovered their husband cheating? Wow.

RevSeptimusHarding · 10/08/2019 21:38

Keep your mouth shut. Tell nobody. What possible good could come of telling your DH?

Robin2323 · 10/08/2019 22:06

If this marriage is worth saving, and your DC’s childhoods with it, take this unfortunate incident as a serious wake up call and devote yourself to making it work with DH

Agree.
If you tell your dh your marriage will fail.
Your dh will be hurt beyond anything. For a mistake that meant nothing.
He 'll never get the image of you and ons out his head.

This happened to a friend who was on a break.
They got back together and were really happy - but despite this it couldn't get passed it.

We all make mistake.
You were not out ti Destroy a marriage.

You need to work on your marriage- confessing will destroy that.

Forgive yourself and don't do it again.

Hopoindown31 · 10/08/2019 23:01

You were not out ti Destroy a marriage

I respectfully disagree, OP knew exactly what she was doing.