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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I cheated

146 replies

YS00 · 09/08/2019 11:16

I've not used mumsnet in long time but I can't bring myself to talk to anyone about this. My DH works away most of the time and our relationship hasn't been great, we're not really talking properly when we are together. I just feel so alone all the time, I spend all my time with our young DC who I love dearly but I've missed adult conversation. So the other night I finally got the to go out and see some friends I haven't seen in a long time. I had a great time and as everyone started to leave a friend suggested coming back to his for a bit. Nothing out of the ordinary, we've been friends for years, I hadn't seen him in a long time and he only lived round the corner. It started off as just a catch up and a few more drinks, I told him about how I was struggling with my DC and with DH being away. We ended up kissing then having sex, before we DTD we agreed it would only be a one time thing. I regret it now more than anything. I don't even know what I was thinking, I think it was a mixture of everything that's going on and just being a bit too drunk. I'm going to have to tell DH aren't I? I'm scared this is going to be the end of our marriage

OP posts:
Maybe83 · 09/08/2019 14:45

I have said I would want my husband (a man) not to tell me.

Another poster has said they also wouldnt want to know.

So if he posted on here for advice my life would be blown apart after 100s of posts telling him I deserve to know and he doesn't have the right to keep it quite.

Despite the fact I genuinely wouldn't! Some times in life the less said the better. Cheating MNs though is the worst possible thing you can do and makes you a terrible person.

I dont think either of those things.

Banangana · 09/08/2019 14:52

If I found out that my partner had cheated and had sex with someone else, made the unilateral decision to keep me in the dark, and then continued to have sex with me I'd feel completely violated. I wouldn't consent to sex if I knew they'd slept with someone else so while it's legally not rape, I would feel like they don't care about my boundaries or my consent.

CursedDiamond · 09/08/2019 14:55

I suppose the difference for me is that it's not, essentially, unilateral, because we've discussed it multiple times. My parents' marriage ended in infidelity, so i suppose it's always something i've been cognisant of.

I also think that it's couple-dependent. I'd like to think that your partner would know you well enough to know how you felt about this @banangana and so would tell you.

Banangana · 09/08/2019 14:55

But yes, it depends on your husband, what you've agreed and whether you honestly feel like he'd want to know or not. Some people would rather not know but no one here can tell you if your husband is one of them.

Original poster
YS00 · 09/08/2019 15:14

At the time I felt a lot of anger towards DH, having discussed our marriage at the moment, I didn't think how I'd feel about it later and how it would affect him. I deeply regret that now and it is a mistake, I wouldn't do it again

OP posts:
MoreFrog · 09/08/2019 15:15

If this marriage is worth saving, and your DC’s childhoods with it, take this unfortunate incident as a serious wake up call and devote yourself to making it work with DH

I agree with this.

MoreFrog · 09/08/2019 15:19

TBH I would rather have not known, it was a one off with a woman he was never going to see again, very different to an affair

I agree with this also. I've been in this exact situation. I'd rather not have known. Him telling me did more damage to our relationship than if he'd kept it to himself.

Heheh76598 · 09/08/2019 15:26

I personally wouldn’t tell him OP.

  1. You regret it, deeply
  2. It’s never going to happen again (as you have stated)
  3. Nothing good can come from telling your husband, your relationship will be worse

I was in a similar situation to yourself. I had 2 young DC, barely speaking to my partner, other arguments about petty things... and I kissed someone on a night out.

That kiss made me realise how much I actually did love my partner and spent the next day basically crying about what I had done... since then I have made a massive effort in our relationship and so has he and we are getting married in a few months!

Relationships with young DC are so so difficult and I completely understand where you are coming from x

Chocolate123 · 09/08/2019 16:09

Relationships go through ups and downs so what happens next time. You'll cheat once off again? I actually can't believe the double standards on here if this was a man as others have said it's leave but because it's a woman it's say nothing.

Pastryapronsucks · 09/08/2019 16:22

I would have given the same response to a man, no double standard from me

HoneyBeeHappy · 09/08/2019 16:32

The difference between men and women though is that the women posting here are usually the “victims” of the affair. But tbh I have wondered when women post here about how their partner has had an affair whether there is more to the story, that doesn’t mean that all affairs have a backstory, but many do. But it would be crass to suggest that to a woman who has just found out her partner is cheating.

although there were people who told my h that they didn’t feel things were quite that black and white when we split.

Shortandsweet20 · 09/08/2019 16:35

I think you should tell him. I assume you'd want him to tell you if it was the other way around? It will give him the option to work on your marriage if he wants to or he can leave. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't tell the truth

GreatWallOfVagina · 09/08/2019 17:04

Ah as always the MN double standards come into play when a woman cheats. How beautiful. There's always some who are happy for a woman to lie and hide her affairs. OP, enjoy this, because had you been a man you would have had a bollocking here and then some. Fortunately, so far the majority are calling you out on it here.

As for what you did, of course you need to tell him. How on earth would you feel if he did this, would you not want to know?

Your relationship going through a tough time is no justification to go fuck someone else. If you want to do that then take responsibility for your life, leave what is making you unhappy and you can do whoever you please.

Whether your partner stays with you or not, he has the right to know the truth so he knows what you are capable of. He has a right to know so that he can make an informed decision about his life. I also hope you're not fucking him right now without getting yourself tested.

I sincerely hope you don't turn on the waterworks to try and justify your deceit IF you do tell him, which I somehow doubt you will. You have more chance of surviving if you take responsibility for your actions instead of looking for excuses to justify.

As for you saying it will never happen again, I bet you never thought it would happen the first time.

Parent999 · 09/08/2019 17:15

I am shocked at the advice from some of women here. When your husband divorces you for cheating and lying, as he should, the best case scenario is that he’ll only see his children half the time. I bet the same sleazy scumbags here, telling you to lie and hide it will be telling you you’re the victim, and you should lie in family court to keep his children from him. They’ll justify the lies then as well, telling you “it’s whats best for the child not the parent”
But you weren’t putting your children first when you went home with him and fucked him were you? And now your husband and children are going to suffer the consequences.
Cheating is unforgivable
Lying about it is worse
But justifying the lies, lower than scum

That’s enough internet for today

Parent999 · 09/08/2019 17:29

Sorry op.
After re-Reading that post I realise it was written for my ex and her girlfriends that encouraged her to lie to me and court.

Do the right thing op

WanderingTrolley1 · 09/08/2019 17:34

If it was definitely a one-off and you’re not going to cheat again, don’t tell him - no good will come of it.

Hopoindown31 · 09/08/2019 18:39

Don't lie. There's only one thing worse than a cheater: A lying cheater.

If you tell him now you might have a chance, if it comes out later then you have not only damage if the cheating but the damage of the continual deception to deal with.

Either way you need to prepare for the fact that once he finds out he may well end your marriage. That is the result of your choice.

isitautumnyet · 09/08/2019 19:14

Genuinely can't believe people are saying don't tell him .

AlongTheWay · 10/08/2019 00:45

You should have left your marriage. I hope he finds out. I hope he leaves and I hope you get what you deserve. But poor you, you're now feeling bad now it's done. You wouldn't have done it if you could have the time over, hindsights a bitch... But it happened and it's done so it's a bit late for all that.

There is never an excuse for cheating and you've proven you have no respect for yourself let alone in your husband.

Do the right thing by him and let him decide to stay or go based on YOUR choices.

AlongTheWay · 10/08/2019 00:47

Genuinely can't believe people are saying don't tell him.

Same but that's how it is here. She's a woman and feels bad about it so the usual chorus is to hide it and forget it happened.

But when it's a man he's the lowest scum on earth and has to tell the poor woman..... Double standards here every day. I don't care if the cheat is a male or female it's a low act and they're all scum...

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 10/08/2019 01:33

I think you should forget it ever happened and work on your marriage. No good will come from him knowing, none, it will scar him and it will destroy your marriage. As much as you shouldn't have done it and being deceitful is wrong and all that, what does telling him gain? Moral clearance? I'd be more focused on my children's happiness than prioritising my own conscience or DH's deserved right to know. If you can't create a happy home for your kids in this marriage, divorce. But even then him knowing will be detrimental to coparenting.

AlongTheWay · 10/08/2019 01:47

what does telling him gain?

The opportunity to do the right thing and allow her poor husband make a choice.... What good comes of lying or hiding the truth?

And prioritising kids happiness over being honest and her husbands right to know??? Wow. Just wow. Hope you feel the same if you were in her husbands shoes.

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 10/08/2019 01:53

AlongTheWay - This may shock you but yes, I'd rather not know. I'm sure her doing the right thing will really comfort her kids when they can no longer see their dad as often.

She shouldn't have cheated. That's obvious. But this sanctimonious demand for truth isn't actually helpful is it? It just upsets everyone and no one wins.

Tartypants · 10/08/2019 03:22

You cheated. You can’t take it back now, so there it is, there’s a land mine in your family and you don’t know when or if it will go off. Cheating makes coparenting hard, but lying about it is so disrespectful of the other parent it makes it almost impossible. If you don’t tell him, he can’t decide whether he wants stay in a non-monogamous marriage and if he ever does find out, that will really badly affect your parenting relationship and that will harm your kids. If you telll him at least whatever falls out of that is based on honesty. If it was with a random whatever the rights and wrongs of telling him as a husband are, you would have a good chance of getaway with it (if you could live with it). But if this guys a friend and other people were aware you went back together? Not so much.
If you’re not happy, work on it or leave, don’t drift into cheating long term - you owe it to your DC to treat their other parent decently.
Good luck, you sound miserable and there’s not really a good option here.

tiredmid · 10/08/2019 03:44

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