I cheated

[YS00]

I've not used mumsnet in long time but I can't bring myself to talk to anyone about this. My DH works away most of the time and our relationship hasn't been great, we're not really talking properly when we are together. I just feel so alone all the time, I spend all my time with our young DC who I love dearly but I've missed adult conversation. So the other night I finally got the to go out and see some friends I haven't seen in a long time. I had a great time and as everyone started to leave a friend suggested coming back to his for a bit. Nothing out of the ordinary, we've been friends for years, I hadn't seen him in a long time and he only lived round the corner. It started off as just a catch up and a few more drinks, I told him about how I was struggling with my DC and with DH being away. We ended up kissing then having sex, before we DTD we agreed it would only be a one time thing. I regret it now more than anything. I don't even know what I was thinking, I think it was a mixture of everything that's going on and just being a bit too drunk. I'm going to have to tell DH aren't I? I'm scared this is going to be the end of our marriage

Do you think this man will ever tell.
I mean ever tell friend. Someone you know
Anything like that.

It’s not like you fucked someone in another country/city

You fucked someone you know. Round the corner. You literally shat on your own doorstep.

I think I'd tell but in some ways thats probably the cowards way out, it'd be a tough secret to carry.
My husband cheated and didn't tell me but she helpfully sent photos to his phone, I was gutted about it.
He did similar again and didn't tell me but an email receipt gave the game away.
I would always have said I'd leave if he ever cheated but with dcs and whatever else, it's complicated.
Don't rush a decision & don't hate yourself over it. Nobody's perfect.

It’s funny isn’t it. Mumsnet. If a guy did this to his wife he’d be torn to shreds. Yet here, a woman cheats on her husband and you get some sympathy.

Exactly. Men who do it are scum, women who do it must have been lonely and had their reasons and should keep it to themselves because their husband must have deserved it and blah blah. The double standards and hypocrisy is ridiculous but it's always been this way. Women have the right to treat men like shit but not the other way around.

Can someone explain please.

The explanation is just that she's a woman. That's it.

But would keeping from him really be the better thing to do?

Absolutely not. He has the right to know and decide the future of the relationship. What you did was despicable.

I hope if you don't tell him, he finds out and you get what's coming to you. I can't believe you need internet randoms to guide you on right from wrong... Says enough right there.

I'm telling you now, this secret will come out 100%. Had it been with a guy nobody knows and/or miles away from you then I would say probably not but my opinion is to still tell your DH, but it wasn't. I knew a woman who did the same thing to her husband with a guy he worked with...2 years down the line their work relationship deteriorated for various reasons to do with work and the OM lost his rag one day and told the DH everything! This will come out mark my words, I've seen this crap too many times. Why women on here are saying keep it a secret is beyond me!

Is there no way you can keep this to yourself and move on? I could've been in this situation but chose not to because I couldn't live with myself.

Absolutely what @VikVal says.
I happen to believe that you should tell for lots of other reasons already mentioned but my overriding feeling here is that you are only 50% of the secret keeping agreement. The odds are way too risky.

I believe here it is best to tell him, because he does have a right to know. As other posters have said, you cannot guarantee that this friend will not tell anyone else. The guilt may eat at you, too.

Marriage counselling also seems like a good idea, to fix the issues in your relationship.

We have all made mistakes that we deeply regret, and this may or may not spell the end of your marriage. However, I hope your husband will find it in himself to forgive you and that you can move forward from this. But please, no more contact with the friend.
Best of luck, I hope it all works out.

Genuinely thought I was going mad for a moment with all these people telling OP to keep the fact she shagged someone else a secret from her husband. Absolutely mad.

What sort of shitty marriage would you have if you can't even be honest?

If you tell your dh your marriage will fail.
Your dh will be hurt beyond anything. For a mistake that meant nothing.

No. If her marriage fails, it'll fail because she slept with another man; not because she told him. She's done the damage. She's already hurt her DH, it's too late to take that back.

It may have meant nothing to OP, but it's likely to mean a lot to her DH.

And if OP thought her husband wouldn't care; she'd have no qualms about telling him. It's such a fallacy of an argument.

Tbf, your marriage is already ruined. You ruined it by fucking someone else behind your husband's back. At least give him the option to leave his unfaithful wife on the grounds of infidelity.

No. If her marriage fails, it'll fail because she slept with another man; not because she told him. She's done the damage. She's already hurt her DH, it's too late to take that back.

Disagree.
I know cheating is shit.
Been there and pain is unbearable.

However a ons is a symptom of a bigger problem.
I know people who's made this mistake doesn't make them bad people. Their partners would probably have forgiven them had they found out anyway.

I was married years ago to a very faithful man but my marriage failed.

If you love someone because of their 100 good qualities would you really throw that away if they made one mistake?

I'd rather not know.

There are some wonderful people out there.

No one is perfect.

We all make mistakes and if not
For forgiveness the world would be a right sorry sate.

The op is sorry.
She learnt her lesson.
She did not try to steal someone's dh.

No one got hurt - or needs to, except the op who has to deal with the guilt.

I'm surprised at this thread.

If the OP was a man I think the replies would be considerably different...

If you really do want to stay together and you know for certain that you can make your relationship work and you know for certain that you will not stray again, then i would strongly advise you not to tell.

The news will be a devastating blow that may take years to recover from.

So because he's a man he doesn't get to have a say? He doesn't get to be in a faithful marriage? He doesn't get the option to forgive her?

If the OP was a man I think the replies would be considerably different

Wish people would stop with this bullshit. Anyone with an ounce of intelligence bases their advice on the situation, not whether they're talking to a man or woman FFS

TBH my advice wouldn’t be different if it was a man AND he genuinely seemed as contrite as OP.

Huge difference between a ONS and it leading to work being done on the marriage and someone regularly fucking around outside of the marriage male or female.

The rates of infidelity are astronomical. And that’s just the ones which come out. I know two men at work who are regular cheats. Wives don’t have a clue. I know one female nurse who has been having a long term affair with a colleague for 2 years plus. Husband doesn’t have a clue. It’s bloody endemic!

Meant to say that’s just at work. In my personal life: my husband cheated, BIL cheated, MIL and DM both cheated. I’ve been to two weddings where it was well known the grooms had cheated in the last year and in one case still was. Neighbours divorced over his affair. He’s now cheating on the other woman with his ex wife.

Go to reddit and look at r/adultery. It crosses all classes, sexes and ages. And the reasons people cheat are not as clear cut as they appear.

I'm really shocked at the amount of people who are telling the OP she should keep it to herself!

Even if the OP used protection, condoms aren't 100% reliable and don't protect against all STDs (eg herpes). It's absolutely disgusting that people think the OP should just carry on having sex with her husband when she has the potential to pass on a life long illness. Let him make an informed choice as to whether he wants to consent to sex with someone who has been unfaithful.

Huge amounts of whataboutery on this thread.

If you need to have had a ONS to realise you need to work on your marriage then what the hell are you doing?!

There is no excuse for cheating and it isn't a mistake. It is a choice rationalised at the time by the cheater. No issues in a marriage have ever been solved by cheating and there are always other options, but often they are harder and require better impulse control.

Cover ups are the worst. Nothing was ever made better by a cover up. Put it together with infidelity and you have a ticking bomb under other people's lives. People you claim to love and care about.

This isn't empty moralising. I was cheated on and tried to reconcile but it wrecked the relationship and ripped our family apart.

I would advise a man the same thing.

Usually, confessions are about your own guilt, not the feelings of the aggrieved partner.

Did you tell him @YS00?