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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I cheated

146 replies

YS00 · 09/08/2019 11:16

I've not used mumsnet in long time but I can't bring myself to talk to anyone about this. My DH works away most of the time and our relationship hasn't been great, we're not really talking properly when we are together. I just feel so alone all the time, I spend all my time with our young DC who I love dearly but I've missed adult conversation. So the other night I finally got the to go out and see some friends I haven't seen in a long time. I had a great time and as everyone started to leave a friend suggested coming back to his for a bit. Nothing out of the ordinary, we've been friends for years, I hadn't seen him in a long time and he only lived round the corner. It started off as just a catch up and a few more drinks, I told him about how I was struggling with my DC and with DH being away. We ended up kissing then having sex, before we DTD we agreed it would only be a one time thing. I regret it now more than anything. I don't even know what I was thinking, I think it was a mixture of everything that's going on and just being a bit too drunk. I'm going to have to tell DH aren't I? I'm scared this is going to be the end of our marriage

OP posts:
AlongTheWay · 10/08/2019 03:53

This may shock you but yes, I'd rather not know

It does actually. The truth always comes out so you'd rather find out at the other end of life your husband was an unfaithful cheat who disrespected you like that? When you could have gone and made a better life for you and your kids with someone who actually respected you...

All good if that's ok by you but I have more self respect and deserve better than to be treated like that. And I think encouraging a deceitful person to continue living the lie says alot anyway really...

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 10/08/2019 04:16

AlongTheWay - It seems this one has hit a little close to home for you as you've become somewhat spiteful. I didn't intend to offend you so I apologise if I've upset you, however I don't think our exchange is very productive at this point.

Feel free to make whatever assumptions about me makes you feel better. I'm certainly not going to worry about what a stranger on the internet thinks of my self respect ✌🏻💐

AlongTheWay · 10/08/2019 04:44

It seems this one has hit a little close to home for you as you've become somewhat spiteful

I have zero tolerance for cheaters and the same for those who defend them.

Feel free to make whatever assumptions about me

Ok

I'm certainly not going to worry about what a stranger on the internet thinks of my self respect

That much is clear.

Have a great day.

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 10/08/2019 04:55

🙄 At no point was I defending her, I clearly stated it shouldn't have happened. The fact that you attack my character rather than staying on topic is pretty low too but clearly your morals are selective.

My line of thinking was to prioritise what was best for the family unit. If you disagree with that, fine, but to become so belligerent isn't going to help anyone. At this point you're trying to discredit my point of view based on empty assumptions and twisted words. You've made it clear you're not a particular pleasant person either.

Parent999 · 10/08/2019 06:28

This thread has been a real eye opener. The amount of sleazy women who are encouraging op to conceal cheating is pretty disgusting. What’s worse is the cheaters chorus.... “if it was only once then it’s not that bad”
I hope to God I don’t know any of these people.

Blueoasis · 10/08/2019 07:39

It's an eye opener for different reasons too. It's clearly showing how many posters have done the exact same thing as the op. Many, many cheaters on mn...

Parent999 · 10/08/2019 07:45

I really don’t understand. Your marriage would now be a lie, a fraud. If your husband knew who you really were he wouldn’t be with you, so you’re robbing him of the chance to divorce you and find a real relationship and marriage with a faithful good person.

VikVal · 10/08/2019 08:43

Your relationship will never be the same again and your marriage is a sham, you're both living a lie and your poor DH doesn't even know it. At least tell him to stop living a lie.

VikVal · 10/08/2019 08:50

@Blueoasis

I was thinking exactly that, they have either cheated or certainly would if given the opportunity. Yet those same posters will hammer men in threads which are about others OH cheating. Many men are bad, but we certainly got our fair share of ruthlessness within the sisterhood!

Original poster
YS00 · 10/08/2019 09:22

I will tell him, I don't think I could keep it to myself forever and it's better telling him sooner rather than later

OP posts:
Work12 · 10/08/2019 09:40

I think yes it is better to tell him sooner rather than later. Even if you think right now you could hide it (which i don't think you should) you don't know how you will feel with it eating you up in 10years to come etc then it will be even worse because your husband will know that every happy moment you've had, every memory you've made, every day out with the kids has been built on a lie and you have had this secret throughout all of this. I'd make sure the kids are out when you tell him, not fair for them to hear.

BeepBeepBop1 · 10/08/2019 10:15

How come when it's a male who's cheated the majority of people say you need to let her know etc but here there's people saying keep it a secret?

You've done wrong but relationships are about honesty and commitment. Your husband deserves to know the truth and it's up to him to either work through it or end things. You know you would be devastated and hurt 100% more if your husband cheated and then lied/didn't confess. Tell the truth will at least let him see you are honest and want to work on things.

AMAM8916 · 10/08/2019 11:18

I would just put it down to a drunken mistake and move on.

If you tell him, the marriage will just become about you cheating and not the actual issues. Take this as a wake up call to sort out the issues in your marriage

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 10/08/2019 11:36

I will tell him, I don't think I could keep it to myself forever and it's better telling him sooner rather than later
That sounds like the best option. Because it wasn't a drunken mistake since you both discussed it, it isn't like you won't see the guy again and your husband could find out in weeks/months/years/whatever and it will be worse.

You're not risking your marriage by telling him. You've already risked it by doing what you did.

Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 10/08/2019 12:23

Only on mumsnet are men torn to shreds for cheating and women get a pat on the back.

VikVal · 10/08/2019 12:25

@Rubbinghimsweetly2

Pretty embarrassing to be honest! Wtf is wrong with some women!?!

PhilCornwall1 · 10/08/2019 12:49

@Rubbinghimsweetly2 agreed, told it's a drunken mistake and move on. A drunken mistake is going out, getting hammered and getting picked up by the Police for having a slash in the street or similar. Not jumping into bed with someone other than your partner!

MaeveDidIt · 10/08/2019 13:00

OP I wouldn't tell him.
It was a one-off foolish drunken mistake - copious amounts of alcohol can have a lot to answer for unfortunately.
If you do tell him your marriage will be over.
Obvs your choice but that's my own personal view.

Lucifer666 · 10/08/2019 13:04

Op if i was you I'd keep my mouth shut and start working on your relationship. Yeah what you did was wrong but life's complicated its not black and white. By all means if you feel guilty confess but all that would do is ease your own conscience and cause alot of devastation to your DH and your kids. If anything use this mistake to work on your relationship

Hopoindown31 · 10/08/2019 13:11

It was a one-off foolish drunken mistake

Yet not drunk enough to still have the wherewithal to agree to secrecy with OM before the sex.

Clearly not a drunken mistake, just a bad choice.

MaeveDidIt · 10/08/2019 13:21

@Hopoindown31

Where do you get the ' Agreed To Secrecy Before' sex from?

Hopoindown31 · 10/08/2019 13:26

@maevedidit
Where do you get the ' Agreed To Secrecy Before' sex from?

Read the first two posts from the OP

They agreed it would be a one time thing and that they wouldn't tell anyone.

Hopoindown31 · 10/08/2019 13:30

OP was clearly clear-headed enough to have this discussion with OM at the time so certainly deserves none of the "it was just a drunken mistake" sympathy sloshing around here.

VikVal · 10/08/2019 13:42

@MaeveDidIt

She says so in her post! Nothing drunken about it, in fact would be shocked if they were even tipsy considering the clarity that she recalls it all.

Biancadelrioisback · 10/08/2019 13:46

Absolutely no sympathy from me OP. If I ever found out that my DH had not only betrayed my trust like that and shat on our whole relationship and family, but also tried to hide it from me, he'd be out of this house so fast his head would spin.

The person who cheats should deal with the consequences of their actions. If you can't handle them, don't fucking do it. Show your DH a tiny bit of respect and be honest. Let him make up his mind what he wants.

And to those who are telling OP to keep it a secret, how pathetic. Shitty, shitty attitude and double standards.

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