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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP’s former FWB on social media

270 replies

MyNameisBetty · 08/08/2019 08:00

I have been with my DP for over a year. We were friends for a while before becoming a couple and therefore we are aware of each other’s previous relationships. Too aware at times... I wish I didn’t know so much detail and I wish I had given him so much private info.

My DP has a former FWB who lives in the US. They used to sext regularly and met up a few times for sex when she was in the UK for business.

When we became involved with each other seriously they continued to interact occasionally on social media and, at first, I just ignored it. He said they’d stopped messaging and I believe he’s telling the truth about that.

A few months ago she made a few posts which I felt were inappropriate commenting on his looks etc. Just too intimate-sounding. One was on an instagram with his daughter, who I am trying to build a relationship with. He deleted the comments at my request.

I said I felt uncomfortable about them continuing to follow each other. He said he felt I was being over sensitive but that (reluctantly) he would unfollow her on all platforms and message her to make it clear he had met someone now and that he wanted to cut contact.

Her response was that she was surprised he’d told me about her at all and that she would miss seeing his posts.

For the last few months there has been no interaction - but then yesterday he posted about a work related success and she posted congratulating him. He responded with a thanks. All very harmless-looking on the surface. But still an interaction when he’d said he would cut contact.

We ended up having a long argument by text about it. He thinks she’s done nothing ‘wrong’ and doesn’t seem to get why I want him to stop responding to her on all platforms.

I know that if the tables were turned he would be very upset about a former fuckfriend maintaining contact with me.

OP posts:
Wishihad · 08/08/2019 13:13

In fact, if it's such an issue for you dunp him.

Because if its not this woman, you will get upset about another one.

He didnr want to cut contact. You know he didnt you should have ended it there.

While you are obsessing over her, he will cheat with someone else, if he is that way inclined.

user1473878824 · 08/08/2019 13:14

"Calling a man out"

He said thank you. He hasn't been sending her dick pics.

user1473878824 · 08/08/2019 13:15

"Because if its not this woman, you will get upset about another one." 100% this.

Robin2323 · 08/08/2019 13:16

@MyNameisBetty
Good.
Sounds very positive x

Ozziewozzie · 08/08/2019 13:17

@wishihad But Op hasn’t. The ow is pursuing her dp. Not the other way around. She is safeguarding herself and to be fair, few of us enjoy being in a relationship with an ex fuck buddy hanging on. It’s desperate and destructive. For what benefit. Purely to feed egos. This is what is sad.

Bluntness100 · 08/08/2019 13:18

Why do people do this?

Op. Your story has changed,,in your op you clearly state he told her he was in a relationship and there was no further contact. Now you're saying there was and she was propositioning him for sex.and they carried on as friends on social media.

Why are you so desperate for strangers to agree with you you're now making shite up?

SandyY2K · 08/08/2019 13:18

I just saw this....

She has multiple partners. Sex is just sex. No strings. Booty calls. She doesn’t care if these man have a CF or wife.

But he had no problem with her past did he? It doesn't sound like he stopped when he found out.

He was one of her willing sex is just sex partners. The thing with FWBs, is that the sex has to be good, otherwise it's pointless. So bo matter what he said about her, you know and he knows that the sex was the puller...so that will understandably make you feel insecure. You know she doesn't want a relationship with him, but she is up for casual sex...and maybe you aren't sure if he will be able to resist.

I can understand you feeling uncomfortable, but I wouldn't think highly of a man who talks about the sexual past of his FWB/DP/DW/GF.

Would you like to hear he had spoken about your sexual history to another woman? Even if it was just to say you had limited sexual experience with just a couple of men.

Bluntness100 · 08/08/2019 13:20

The ow is pursuing her dp

Are you in a relationship? How does it survive if you count one message of congrats in eight months as pursuing someone? That's mind boggling.

Ozziewozzie · 08/08/2019 13:21

@P1218120699
I’m completely with you on this

Ozziewozzie · 08/08/2019 13:25

Op, I’m hoping you’ve received numerous messages on here providing you with posters husbands contact detail to pass to ow in America. You must have been inundated by now seeing as you are supposedly the unreasonable one and most other people seem to be so balanced they don’t mind floozies messaging their husbands. Besides, those women in here are at s head start as this ow hasn’t shagged their dh yet.......or has she?

MyNameisBetty · 08/08/2019 13:27

@ozziewozzie ARF!!!!

Quite

OP posts:
ysmaem · 08/08/2019 13:30

I can understand your concerns but this woman is in the US and they are still friends. She's not an ex. I'm still friendly with a previous FWB and I can honestly say I have no sexual feelings or am I attracted to him now I'm with my current partner.

bouncingraindrops · 08/08/2019 13:32

@Ozziewozzie

It's not, and never has been an OW 🤷‍♀️

Robin2323 · 08/08/2019 13:37

Why are so many women defending the ex fuck buddy ?
Like pp have said no one wants
One of them hanging around their man.

Have some of you been the 'dumped' ex fuck buddy at some point ?

I agreed if you trust your dp
You could put a naked sex goddess in his bed and he would reject her. ..... you still don't do it though. (Despite the trust)

MrMeSeeks · 08/08/2019 13:40

see it as the thin end of the wedge - testing the water. What next? A sneaky sext? Message to say she’s in the UK next month. I don’t trust her.
‘No moral compass’

Wow. I think the problem is you.
You are insecure and controlling.
You don't trust your bf then leave ( maybe he will first)
The way you talk about women ( who your dp was happy to have sex with so what does that say about him??) is vile.

ScarJo · 08/08/2019 13:42

@MyNameisBetty

Don't let anyone make you feel like you are being unreasonable your feelings are your feelings and they are valid. Just because they would be okay with their partners keeping a harem of ex's like they're fucking Simon Cowel doesn't mean you need to be.

I agree you can't MAKE your partner cease contact with her but surely if he would be unhappy if roles were reversed then he should WANT to.

Nobody is perfect. I wouldn't be with someone who is friends with ex shags because that is my choice and id find someone with the same values as me.

This is my last post on this thread because I can imagine I'll get hate for disagreeing with the "cool girlfriend" parade and frankly it won't change my opinion so it's worthless reading.

I hope you are okay OP.

Bluntness100 · 08/08/2019 13:43

Why are so many women defending the ex fuck buddy ?Like pp have said no one wants . One of them hanging around their man

How is one one word message of congrats in eight months hanging round him.

The insecurity of some posters on here is really disturbing. From calling her the ow and the op bizzarely agreeing to saying she's hanging around him

It's proper batshit.

ShatnersWig · 08/08/2019 13:43

Quite Mr. I pointed out that if she has no moral compass, surely that applies to the OPs DP but presumably it doesn't.

Why are so many women defending the ex fuck buddy?

Probably because of the vile way the OP spoke about her.

MrMeSeeks · 08/08/2019 13:45

Probably because of the vile way the OP spoke about her
Yep Hmm i’ve never had a fwb in my life, still think op is controlling and what has been said is awful.

Bluntness100 · 08/08/2019 13:45

Just because they would be okay with their partners keeping a harem of ex's like they're fucking Simon Cowel doesn't mean you need to be

It's getting even more batshit, how is an old fwb messaging him with one word, congrats, the same as keeping a harem of ex's?🤷‍♀️

Catapultaway · 08/08/2019 13:46

OP, are you jealous of this woman by any chance?

ShatnersWig · 08/08/2019 13:47

I'll get hate for disagreeing with the "cool girlfriend" parade

Oh FFS this is one of the most idiotic and stupid phrases that gets trotted out on MN. It's not about being a cool girlfriend (although I bet you'll find there is at least one man on the thread) but it's about trust in your partner. If you don't trust someone, don't be with them - it's literally as simple as that.

She either trusts him or she doesn't.

It really, really isn't about him. It's about her and the fact that she has a problem with a woman in America who enjoys sex. There's nothing cool about a woman slagging off another woman for her sex life like we're in the 1950s.

SandyY2K · 08/08/2019 13:52

she would miss seeing his posts.

But she can obviously still see his posts.

He said he felt I was being over sensitive but that (reluctantly) he would unfollow her on all platforms.

His reluctance should have told you that he didnt really want to cut contact with her. It might be to have her to rekindle if you guys break up.

If this happened to me with a BF.... the reluctance would have been enough to end the relationship.

I had a similar issue with my DH and an Ex GF. I found the reluctance to cut contact very frustrating, but if I wasn't married with 2 DC... I would have ended the relationship immediately. I wouldn't even get into an argument about it. I'd just be done with it. Even as I was married, I made it clear that continued contact would make me emotionally detach from him and if he didnt see it as an issue, I would contact some of my Ex BFs to be friends with. He was less than keen on that idea.

For the last few months there has been no interaction - but then yesterday he posted about a work related success and she posted congratulating him

Sounds like you're constantly checking his SM. I have to say I don't look at my DHs FB unless I'm tagged on something.

If he felt her comment on the pic with his daughter was inappropriate, why did he only delete it at your request? I get your point about an intimate comment on a picture with his DD being inappropriate......but where is his own initiative.

That's the time when he should have realised she was overstepping the mark and just blocked her without a response.

An ex of mine made a comment along the lines of you're still as beautiful as ever on SM. I just deleted it and blocked him, because I don't need DH getting upset about it and it was overstepping the line.

If you have to draw his attention to obvious things like this, what hope is there for your relationship.

NoBaggyPants · 08/08/2019 13:57

You sound unhinged.

I sent a message to my ex FWB this morning to congratulate him as he and his partner are expecting. He said thank you and his partner "liked" it. No drama, no ill intentions, just adults getting on with their lives.

(I'm going to their wedding too!)

ShatnersWig · 08/08/2019 14:00

Kick him in the balls op

Ozziewozzie that's a fucking disgrace. Putting aside that all the guy has done is put the word "thanks" on a posting offering congratulations, I don't care how facetiously or jokingly you meant it, that's not on. If the OP was a man talking about his female partner, would you jokingly suggest he kicked her in the vagina? No of course you fucking wouldn't, so let's not pretend it's OK.

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