DP’s former FWB on social media

[MyNameisBetty]

I have been with my DP for over a year. We were friends for a while before becoming a couple and therefore we are aware of each other’s previous relationships. Too aware at times... I wish I didn’t know so much detail and I wish I had given him so much private info.

My DP has a former FWB who lives in the US. They used to sext regularly and met up a few times for sex when she was in the UK for business.

When we became involved with each other seriously they continued to interact occasionally on social media and, at first, I just ignored it. He said they’d stopped messaging and I believe he’s telling the truth about that.

A few months ago she made a few posts which I felt were inappropriate commenting on his looks etc. Just too intimate-sounding. One was on an instagram with his daughter, who I am trying to build a relationship with. He deleted the comments at my request.

I said I felt uncomfortable about them continuing to follow each other. He said he felt I was being over sensitive but that (reluctantly) he would unfollow her on all platforms and message her to make it clear he had met someone now and that he wanted to cut contact.

Her response was that she was surprised he’d told me about her at all and that she would miss seeing his posts.

For the last few months there has been no interaction - but then yesterday he posted about a work related success and she posted congratulating him. He responded with a thanks. All very harmless-looking on the surface. But still an interaction when he’d said he would cut contact.

We ended up having a long argument by text about it. He thinks she’s done nothing ‘wrong’ and doesn’t seem to get why I want him to stop responding to her on all platforms.

I know that if the tables were turned he would be very upset about a former fuckfriend maintaining contact with me.

I didn’t think all the detail was required at the start tbh

You didnt think that it was important that after he told her he was seeing someone, she got in contact for sex?

Really?

Did she contact for sex, before or after he told her about you and said they should unfollow eachother?

Because that's a very big detail.

Do I honestly believe a man who wanted to cheat would stop cheating because he's been told off for a photo comment on social media? Not a chance

Agree, they just take it below the radar. Which is what rhe op is forcing him to do.

But as they don't live together, and the relationship is a year old, I'd end it if the op was behaving to me like she's behaving on here.

I'm not saying it is a wife's job to keep a check on their husband and I don't think anyone should ever regret trusting someone who turned out to be unfaithful. I'm just saying that this woman is potentially damaging to their relationship. They've previously texted/had sex and it's far too easy to fall back into....especially if any problems should arise in the current relationship. This to me isn't the same as having a female friend and that's why I say it's naive to think it's fine, especially when the other woman commented that she was surprised he'd told his current partner about them and has commented inappropriately on his posts. Let's be honest here...she'd be more than up for a jump.

They just don't care.

So what if they dont care.

Thos woman said congratulations. The dp iant obliged to sleep with her.

He either will or he wont. She can dance naked in front of him. If he sleeps with her, he is the problem.

She didnt crack on to him again and he hid it.

He publically said thanks, that's it.

WHO CARES IF SHE WOULD STILL SLEEP WITH HIM? If you trust him then it's not an issue, is it? If you think she's so desperate to sleep with your boyfriend just feel sorry for her and let it go. Jesus.

I'm just saying that this woman is potentially damaging to their relationship

Oh good, another one at it, who thinks men are led astray by women and can't control themselves. It's the woman's fault.

If he wants to cheat he will, banning public communications won't change that, and it's a deliberate act. One he would chose to do. This woman is not damaging, he would make the decision on whether to go back to her or not,

And quite frankly as said, If rhe op is treating him to the frothing we are getting then I'd not blame it for ending it with the op, I certainly would. You'd be off your head to put up with that level of shit.

They've previously texted/had sex and it's far too easy to fall back into....especially if any problems should arise in the current relationship.

Its really easy to say no thanks.

Even when you have a problem relationship. Its like people forget that cheaters can also say no to sex

OP what does it say about your dps morals.

He was fwb for quite a while. He then tells all her secrets to a new women. Non if those secrets stopped him sleeping with her?

If you judge her so much, why didnt you judge him at the beginning of the relationship when you tound out he was sleeping with such a horrible (according to you woman) and then broke her confidence by slagging her off to you.

I am struggling to see why you even entered this relationship at all.

A few months in she messaged him to try to hook up - even though he had told her he was with me and happy

Is this before he told her that you weren't happy about the contact?

Tbh if an Ex or an ex FWB told me their partner wasn't happy about our contact, I wouldn't be contacting them again.... so I don't see why she is doing this.

OP you are getting yourself worked up because an ex posted ‘congratulations’ on your DPs Facebook, on the face of it that is a massive overreaction, so you need to step back and ask yourself why.

You also need to ask yourself why you have such a negative opinion of this women (who you have never met) and how that is impacting your life.

If you worried that your DP would cheat on you with her if given the opportunity?

@Bluntness100 no I don't believe that it's always the woman's fault or that men are helpless and get sucked in. Nor do I believe that either partner has the right to ban the other from social media BUT I do this THIS woman is a threat and to be honest if I was OP and I I'd only been with him a year and had no children, I'd end it because he has no respect for HER. The woman sounds like a sex pest.

*“They were friends for a long time”

I never said that

It was a couple of years, if that.*

To me, two years is a long time.

You give woman a bad name.

*women

*They just don't care.

So what if they dont care.*

Lol
Ok
I'll bite.
Because it's not very nice.

It’s annoying and I don’t think it’s terrible of me to feel upset and want this to stop.

I don't understand why you've posted. Did you just want us all to say that your partner is a piece of shit and that she's a home-wrecking whore?

She said congratulations. He said thank you. Maybe she still has the horn for him, maybe she is genuinely a nice friend who was pleased for him. You have no way of knowing. Ex's in different forms are a part of life. An annoying part, sure, but part you have to learn to deal with like an adult.

Tbh if an Ex or an ex FWB told me their partner wasn't happy about our contact, I wouldn't be contacting them again.... so I don't see why she is doing this.

I agree I wouldn't contact them because... whatever, drama. But I also wouldn't think their new partner was a nice, healthy person or their relationship was going to last long.

Depends what the comment about his looks were?

But surely if you trust your partner, you shouldn’t be saying ‘if’ he cheats.

Anyone who says 'my partner would never cheat' is wrong in my opinion. Most people who have been cheated on didnt see it coming. I trust my dp, but who can say what people will do. People surprise us all the time, not always in good ways.

I could never say dp will never cheat. Because I dont control his actions. How can I possibly say 100% that someone will never do something?

You even say that yourself.

If this man is a cheater. He will cheat. Probably made easier that the OP is so obsessed with the this other woman and watching incase she sneezes.

If he is a cheat. He is a cheat. It's that simple. What this woman does or doesnt do wont change that. He will shag someone here if he is the type.

To clarify:

They were ‘friends’ for only about 18 months.

The contact for sex was early on in our relationship. He told her he’d started seeing someone and didn’t want to be a FWB any more. He spelled it out. She didn’t like it.

They carried on ‘as friends’ on social media. I was aware and ignored her frequent comments.

She asked to see him again - just to catch up - he said he was busy. He told me about this. Because we are honest with each other.

She carried on posting. I ignored.

Her comments got more personal and obvious. To the point that a couple of people commented to me.

Then I told him I felt uncomfortable.

Then she overstepped on a post with his daughter. He wasn’t happy about that either.

So then he said he saw my point and agreed to unfollow on all platforms and not to contact each other.

I have never asked him to block her. I wouldn’t do that. It’s not necessary.

If you unfollow then you have to look someone up to see their posts. This is clearly what’s just happened.

Why do you think she would do that?
I don’t think it’s paranoia on my part to think she’s still wondering if sex is a possibility.

Yes it’s about him and me. I believe he won’t make contact with her and I believe we will be fine.

He’s not happy about my exes either. But I’m not on social media rubbing up to them blatantly.

I see nothing wrong with calling a man out like this. I don’t tolerate infidelity or grey areas of any kind. That’s my perogative.

He knows that’s what I think about fidelity and he said to me yesterday that’s a good thing ongoing. It works both ways. We are committed to each other and have agreed that if either of us are uncomfortable or upset by others actions of this kind we will talk about it.

I’ve said it’s fine for him to just leave it, say nothing more, not necessary to block or contact her. But he will simply ignore her in future if she comments.

This morning he has apologised for responding to her and upsetting me and said wishes I had raised it earlier on. He didn’t know how much it had upset me before (because I didn’t say anything).

I hope that’s an end to it.

@Ozziewozzie
Yes.
Any takers?

Because it's not very nice.

And? That's still doesnt mean she gets to sleep with him.

He will only sleep with her if he wants to?

A public message isnt him private messaging her. It's nothing. If OP found out they were private messaging and in touch regularly while he lied to her. Ibwould kind of understand.

Fact is OP judges this woman because of her sex life. But never judged her dp for being part of it. She has built this woman up to some big bad monster.

She isnt. What matter is the relationship between dp and her.

I simply don’t believe she has stopped and will keep on trying and popping up.
Why shouldn't she remain friends with him?

It’s annoying and I don’t think it’s terrible of me to feel upset and want this to stop.
It is if you think the way to sure up your relationship is to ban him from speaking to certain friends.

There are 5 scenarios I see happening here:

1. You ban them having contact but it happens anyway and the friendship is kept quiet on the grounds 'you know how Betty can get'. This could remain entirely platonic. I've had friendships like that.

1. You continue to monitor is his friendships as once a partner knows their can police friendships and social media, their neuroticism and need to check and monitor increases, which further distances their partner. You continue in a relationship that's a rollercoaster of emotions and he ends up resenting being checked up on. You think he should show you his phone because that's what people do when they trust each other etc.

1. He cheats. Either nothing happens between them but because of the increased monitoring and checking and interrogations and drama over female friends, he distances himself from you and ends up cheating with someone else emotionally or physically or both. Or infuriated by your endless checking, you create the culture where an emotional affair can thrive between them

1. Your relationship doesn't last and his friendship with her will continue

1. (The least likely) He will give into your demands,appease your insecurities and you'll magically not have any insecurity about any other women be you'll have a blissful future.

Note, my focus is on his actions not hers. You seem to be one of these women who think other women are the biggest threat to your relationship when the reality is if you can't trust your partner then you're better off leaving, because if you're not being insecure over her, it'll be the next woman he speaks to, or his colleague, or the fact he gave someone from work a lift home, or he tells one too many stories about a woman he knows and therefore you decide that's mentionitis.

Right op she is a home wrecking whore and tour dp should immediately cease all contact and beg your forgiveness.
Is that what you want to hear.

Or are you going to keep posting embellishments to slut shame this woman?