My crappy childhood has just exploded

[DearTeddyRobinson]

I'm on hols with DH, 2 DCs, and my parents. 6yo DS is being a pain in the arse. DH and I are dealing with it as best we can but it's hard. He's clearly driving my parents mad and they are not hiding it. Lots of snide little comments to him etc. Anyway today there was some kind of contretemps at the pool - I wasn't there.
Next thing I know, DS is running into the house sobbing hysterically, with my mother hot on his heels, my father close behind. They were shouting the odds about him being a spoiled brat, I started to get angry with them and told them to stop bullying him. Yelling escalates, father tells me to leave and go home. While I'm yelling back at my father, I hear a loud slap and a scream. I run back in to where DS is and my mother is pinching his face and leaning down right into his face, hissing something at him. I shout at her to leave him alone, she doesn't and continues to berate him.
I slap her in the face. All hell breaks loose.

So while I was growing up my parents were violent disciplinarians. They would shout at and slap and beat me whenever I transgressed. They used to team up so one could hold me down while the other hit me.
On one occasion I was dragged naked from the shower (I was a teen at this point) and beaten on the bathroom floor.
I never wanted my kids to think this was ok and by and large DH and I agree. But I have serious anger issues and somehow still think that hitting someone is the ultimate resolution (not the kids though).
I think today all of this fucked up mess came boiling over. DH is disgusted with me for hitting a 72 year old woman - understandably. (But not with her for hitting a 6 year old who had a red hand print on his bum).
We are leaving tomorrow, 3 days early.
DH is barely speaking to me. The kids are confused. I am sick with god knows what - rage, guilt, whatever.
Where the fuck do we go from here?

DearTeddyRobinson

There is always a way out of these situations.

Yes anger management will help, but IMO it won't get you to the route of the problem.

Counseling would be a good way to go as long as the therapy is reflective on your own behaviour and not passing the buck on to the behaviour of others.

This doesn't mean that others are not to blame (or more to blame) but we have no control over their actions only our own.

If your DH is a good man couples counselling to help him understand what you have been through with your parents may well help and he would want to do it.

But this won't help him with his issues, and that is a whole other thread.

As Whosorrynow posted you have been conditioned to be who you are.

Only you can change that.

I wish you the best of luck.

So, small child is viciously assulted by grandmother and some posters are more worried that the father is a battered husband?

Just to clarify, 2 slaps would not constitute domestic violence though it is unacceptable behaviour. And there is no doubt women are terrorised by DV to a degree that men are not. Fact. Living in fear of being pinned down and beaten is definitely abuse. 2 slaps over a long time period is not, though clearly wrong. The husband here is not living in fear of violence.

Maybe concentrate on the real victims here, eh?

Good luck OP.

Just cut them out of your life. You will never have a normal family life with them. They are toxic and abusive and you child deserves better.

I think you are still desperate for that love and approval parents should give their child unconditionally, hence this disastrous holiday. Get some counselling to heal yourself and cut them out of your life without guilt.

Your husband sounds like an asshole. If anyone hit my ds my husband would instantly cut them out of our lives for good. It's sad your husband doesn't feel the need to protect your ds or you.

And to be honest, if anyone hit my child, pinched their face and yelled at them I'd like to think I wouldn't react with violence but in all likelyhood I'd have my hands around their throat. Then NEVER see them again.

Test

Ivestoppedreadingthenews

I think you have the most sensible advice on here.

Thank you all so much. There is part of me that just wants to say, see, they were arseholes when I was a kid so it's not my fault I hit her! So there! But I have to take responsibility for my actions however squalid. I have emailed a therapist local to me who specialises in childhood trauma and anxiety and depression (I have both, been on ADs for 11 years). I just want to release all this poison.
My sister has now joined in the, it's different to give a 6 year old a smacked bottom, she was justified in doing that but you shouldn't have hit an old lady, chorus. Ffs. I asked her what she thought she would do if someone was hitting one of her DCs, she 'didn't know' apparently

Thank you all so much. There is part of me that just wants to say, see, they were arseholes when I was a kid so it's not my fault I hit her! So there! But I have to take responsibility for my actions however squalid. I have emailed a therapist local to me who specialises in childhood trauma and anxiety and depression (I have both, been on ADs for 11 years). I just want to release all this poison.
My sister has now joined in the, it's different to give a 6 year old a smacked bottom, she was justified in doing that but you shouldn't have hit an old lady, chorus. Ffs. I asked her what she thought she would do if someone was hitting one of her DCs, she 'didn't know' apparently

I come from an abusive family, mum used to go into rages and smack us silly. I have had years of therapy and the very best advice I have been given is " anger is a by product of unmet expectations. But your expectations have to be reasonable." So. Is it reasonable to expect your mother to be loving towards you children? Of course it is reasonable. She did not meet your reasonable expectation and you lashed out in the way that THEY taught you to. Is it reasonable to expect your husband to believe you and in turn support you? Of course it is reasonable. I agree that violence is never a solution but once you properly unpick your childhood you will get over the legacy they left you with. It sounds trite and silly but reparenting your inner child, self soothing etc really helped me.

Please don't apologise to you mother in front of your son (in fact I don't think you should apologise at all - you were protecting your son from a vicious adult).

If you apologise just think of the message that sends your son.

He was terrified. Surely you remember that feeling from your own childhood? No one protected you, please protect him.

I would go NC with your parents.

Your husband needs to be a lot more supportive. Did he not see the fear your son had of his grandparents?

I come from an abusive family, mum used to go into rages and smack us silly. I have had years of therapy and the very best advice I have been given is " anger is a by product of unmet expectations. But your expectations have to be reasonable." So. Is it reasonable to expect your mother to be loving towards you children? Of course it is reasonable. She did not meet your reasonable expectation and you lashed out in the way that THEY taught you to. Is it reasonable to expect your husband to believe you and in turn support you? Of course it is reasonable. I agree that violence is never a solution but once you properly unpick your childhood you will get over the legacy they left you with. It sounds trite and silly but reparenting your inner child, self soothing etc really helped me.

I come from an abusive family, mum used to go into rages and smack us silly. I have had years of therapy and the very best advice I have been given is " anger is a by product of unmet expectations. But your expectations have to be reasonable." So. Is it reasonable to expect your mother to be loving towards you children? Of course it is reasonable. She did not meet your reasonable expectation and you lashed out in the way that THEY taught you to. Is it reasonable to expect your husband to believe you and in turn support you? Of course it is reasonable. I agree that violence is never a solution but once you properly unpick your childhood you will get over the legacy they left you with. It sounds trite and silly but reparenting your inner child, self soothing etc really helped me.

I come from an abusive family, mum used to go into rages and smack us silly. I have had years of therapy and the very best advice I have been given is " anger is a by product of unmet expectations. But your expectations have to be reasonable." So. Is it reasonable to expect your mother to be loving towards you children? Of course it is reasonable. She did not meet your reasonable expectation and you lashed out in the way that THEY taught you to. Is it reasonable to expect your husband to believe you and in turn support you? Of course it is reasonable. I agree that violence is never a solution but once you properly unpick your childhood you will get over the legacy they left you with. It sounds trite and silly but reparenting your inner child, self soothing etc really helped me.

My mum smacked us on the bottom, would never hurt my kids. My grandma used to smack my mum but would never have smacked us.
I would probably have reacted the same way as OP. Did I get it that she was pinching him??? Both of them ganging up on them like that, bloody frightening.
OP, I also think you need to look at your relationship with your husband. He doesn't sound too supportive.

My mum smacked us on the bottom, would never hurt my kids. My grandma used to smack my mum but would never have smacked us.
I would probably have reacted the same way as OP. Did I get it that she was pinching him??? Both of them ganging up on them like that, bloody frightening.
OP, I also think you need to look at your relationship with your husband. He doesn't sound too supportive.

I’m not a violent person and am too soft to ever hit anyone but I think your mum absolutely deserved what you did. I also came from a violent home and although it’s not made me violent myself I think seeing my mum abuse my DC the way she did me would have tipped me over the edge too.

I would give your son a good cuddle and explain how sorry you were that your mum hurt him and how it was wrong of you to do the same thing to her , that hitting never solves anything and it’s just made everyone upset and spoiled the holiday for everyone. He is the most important person in this scenario.

I don’t think I could get past this if my parents had hit any of my children. I would never ever see them again.

And you need to seek more help with your anger issues. You need to get them sorted before your DC reach adolescence and start pushing your buttons.

@DearTeddyRobinson I'd cut out your sister too then. Surround yourself with supportive people you'd like your son to grow up to be like.

OP does your DH know how you were treated as a child? I mean the full extent of it?

Oh, OP. I don't think that hitting your mother was the best decision you ever made: but I can absolutely understand why you did it. SHE ASSAULTED YOUR CHILD. SHE BULLIED AND FRIGHTENED YOUR CHILD. And that's completely unacceptable.

I am glad you're getting counselling, because you do need to unpick all this. I hope your son is ok now, and that you make sure that your abusive horrible parents never get to have any contact with him again. Both you and he deserve better. And as for the people who are telling you that it's ok to terrify and hurt a child who is only doing what children do, and that you were at fault for stepping in to protect your child from your abusive bully of a mother? They don't deserve a moment more of your time. If your husband won't support you on this, you know who he is now. Same for everyone else. Your mother does not get a free pass just because she's old. If she's not falling over herself to apologise to your child now, then she is showing you who she is, too.

I am so sorry.

I think it is worth considering that a blanket "you shouldn't hit" is not the whole story. It is quite reasonable to hit, or use any reasonable force to protect yourself or someone else if necessary. I don't feel I know enough about what happened to judge whether OP used reasonable force, but based on what has been said, I'd say there was a good chance.

Hope you and your DS are OK today OP, and that you can enjoy the rest of your holiday, and find a constructive way forward.

Wow OP you have my sympathy. I could have written your post down to the being dragged out of the shower when a teenager and hit. Have kept in contact with my parents until cancer caused the death of my DF in his early 60s (it took the edge of his anger for a number of years prior to his death) and now I find myself in the situation of a mother screaming herself hoarse at her grandchildren while she is on chemo. She tried to hit me the other day and if she hadn't been so ill I don't know how I would have reacted.

But back to your question about DH. That is tough. My DH has struggled to understand my childhood and why I have struggled with my anger issues. He has some empathy - eg if we are sharing a holiday house he understands why I lock the door to our bedroom so my DM doesn't walk in without knocking (no boundaries). I think work on the relationship with your DH first as a priority; could he come to a joint counselling session with you to help understand where you're coming through?

Your sister can fuck off too! Seriously, low contact with your parents and sister is the way to go here.

I don't think anyone would blame you for laying a hand on your 72 year old mum 'tho i hesiate to use the word mum in the sense that it's normally used. What a toxic bunch they are, best to get away from them see if you can sort your partner did you dsay he was on the bottle?, and see what help you can get for your poor old self, you have bene through a lot:(

My dh at 60 is only now, with a counsellor, working through the abuse that he'd suffered from his mum - both emotional and physical - with his mum, so your dh is 100% wrong to say "it was a long time ago" . It's cost us a fortune but is money well spent.

A lot was suppressed and much of it explains many of his other issues (eg lack of self esteeem despite apparently being very confident and successful, issues with money as he is always afraid bad things will happen, anger management issues). We have an 18 year old and he is determined not to repeat the cycle - but often has to work hard not to instinctively want to thump him (eg when ds had his laptop stolen) as that is what his mum did to him when his sister's bike was stolen - gave him a leathering with a belt!

I've known dh for 26 years and have never met that sister. She went No Contact with the whole family about 30 years ago and to dh's now shame, the rest of her siblings took their parents' side and said she'd been imagining the abuse.

He's now very low contact with his mum, as she's in her 80s and one of his other sister's, with whom he gets on very well (the only sibling that he does get on with - she's lovely ), still sees her a lot, so he helps her check in on their mum when she's away. No other reason than his love for his sibling.

If you do decide to see your parents again, never leave your dcs alone with them. You can't trust them not to impose their version of discipline on them and your parents obviously don't respect you as parents

And I agree with cuddling your ds and explaining that you did a wrong thing, that hitting is never right and that you love him very much

They would never see my child again end of. I had a similar childhood, the thought of my mother doing to my child what she did to me makes me very angry.