My crappy childhood has just exploded

[DearTeddyRobinson]

I'm on hols with DH, 2 DCs, and my parents. 6yo DS is being a pain in the arse. DH and I are dealing with it as best we can but it's hard. He's clearly driving my parents mad and they are not hiding it. Lots of snide little comments to him etc. Anyway today there was some kind of contretemps at the pool - I wasn't there.
Next thing I know, DS is running into the house sobbing hysterically, with my mother hot on his heels, my father close behind. They were shouting the odds about him being a spoiled brat, I started to get angry with them and told them to stop bullying him. Yelling escalates, father tells me to leave and go home. While I'm yelling back at my father, I hear a loud slap and a scream. I run back in to where DS is and my mother is pinching his face and leaning down right into his face, hissing something at him. I shout at her to leave him alone, she doesn't and continues to berate him.
I slap her in the face. All hell breaks loose.

So while I was growing up my parents were violent disciplinarians. They would shout at and slap and beat me whenever I transgressed. They used to team up so one could hold me down while the other hit me.
On one occasion I was dragged naked from the shower (I was a teen at this point) and beaten on the bathroom floor.
I never wanted my kids to think this was ok and by and large DH and I agree. But I have serious anger issues and somehow still think that hitting someone is the ultimate resolution (not the kids though).
I think today all of this fucked up mess came boiling over. DH is disgusted with me for hitting a 72 year old woman - understandably. (But not with her for hitting a 6 year old who had a red hand print on his bum).
We are leaving tomorrow, 3 days early.
DH is barely speaking to me. The kids are confused. I am sick with god knows what - rage, guilt, whatever.
Where the fuck do we go from here?

God almighty OP, you have shit parents, an unsupportive sister and an unsupportive DH, partial to the occasional problematic tipple.

There’s a huge part of me that wants to say don’t leave the country you’re on holiday in - abscond, away from all of these idiots you’re surrounded by.

While I don't agree with hitting in general I think your mum got what she deserved. Any adult who hit my child like that better hightail it outta there before I catch up with them if they knew what was good for them.

My parents were both very abusive too, both verbally and physically and I wish I had the balls to give them both the slap down they deserve.

I actually have just about no contact with my dad and I basically see nothing of my mum anymore (after something that she said to me last xmas) unless it is a family gathering that we both happen to be at. I don't trust her with my kids and you can bet that while I have never hit her back when she has hit me I wouldn't hesitate to hit her back if she touched my child.

If you have hit your husband and going forward promised to not resort to violence I can see why he might be upset with you but I can't understand why he would be ok with your parents doing what they did.

Don't apologise to your mother again. You should have knocked her the fuck out.

Oh OP I’ve not read the whole thread but my heart bleeds for you. My mother beat me as a child (never my sibling) and if she laid a finger on my kids I would do as you did. And I’m afraid I think it’s justifiable too. You aren’t going to turn into them - the fact that you are conscious of it and know that it wasn’t the best thing to do underlines that. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

Hell would freeze over before I'd be apologising to your mother. She's lucky you didn't rip her abusive fucking head off.

Do not let these abusive arseholes any where near your DS again. Nobody needs grandparents like that in their lives.

Given your sister has gotten involved its obvious your parents haven't liked being on the receiving end of the treatment they feel is ok to dish out. Nothing surprising about that really. Don't fall for the old woman excuses, she's clearly not too frail to wallop your DC is she? Your sister needs to realise this too.

OP I had a similar childhood including naked dragging and beating as you describe. I too am in contact with my mum, she's mellowed although I will never forgive her.

I don't blame you at all for hitting your mum. IMO she deserved it. She was hurting your DS deliberately and I don't blame you for seeing red. Of course, it's never the answer and I think you know that but I sympathise and understand why you did it.

I have never hit DS, I am scarred by my upbringing and never want him to feel the terror of a parent loosing control and hurting him. I can see that you have struggled to control the urge to see red and lash out and my heart goes out to you.

It's very sad and unfortunate that your DH hasn't got your back in this. You were reacting to your own mum assaulting DS, he should be furious with her.

Your account of events paints your mum as vile and cruel. Kids do behave in challenging ways, and hurting them is never the answer.

You are not the one at fault here. IMO you tell your mum that her behaviour was abhorrent, and made you so angry that you lost control which you regret. Tell DS that what happened upset you so much that you lost control which again you regret.

Yes it's very funny how everyone is so shocked and horrified at your violence towards your Mother yet hitting a vulnerable child seems to be a good thing to do.

What hypocrites.

From the sounds of the original post you were within your rights to slap your mother as she was pinching your 6 year old son and terrorising him. That warrants 'reasonable force', IMO. That's what they would say in court, too.
They ( your parents) sound like absolute cunts. Savage, bullying cunts. What does it matter how old are? You really ought to question why on earth you spend any time with them at all.

I don't think you have anything to say sorry for!

My Mum used to beat me and when I was 13 she hit me again,I had done nothing she even admitted that years later I was never naughty she just had a bloody awful temper and took it out on me.

Well this day she hit me so hard she nearly knocked me out so I slapped her back and hard around the face and she never raised a finger to me again.

Your were protecting your DC,you told her to stop and she didn't,what were you supposed to do wait until she'd tired of hitting and pinching your son,she left a mark she's lucky you didn't involve the police and as for your husband I could never ever forgive him for backing your Mother up over her abuse of his child for me that would be the end of the marriage!

I would break free of them - they sound like they have scarred you so much - write all of your feelings down on paper, and let them read it - do they know how much their strict upbringing has affected you ? You are so brave to have posted this - you are a loving mum who does not want your DS to have some of the treatment inflicted on you. This should not have happened

You should apologise to your mum for slapping her. And your son too for seeing that. Apologize publicly. Your childhood sounds awful, but your kids need to see that you’ve been able to change, that you are different and that GPs are clearly wrong.

You or your DH should ask your Mum to apologize to DS for slapping him and shouting at him.

Then I think you all need to take a deep breath and stand back. When you are calmer, you might see that this was not surprising. Your DS was left with GPs who clearly can’t cope and respond with aggression. I wouldn’t go on holidays, let them babysit etc.

Maybe this could come good? As in, show your kids a better way. Show them that this is the last time ever they ever see adults losing control.

It wasnt just a smack on the bum thought was it....they chased him, she was pinching him also, and I absolutely would have done what you did if someone was doing that to my DS and I wouldn't be apologising for it. Your DH needs to gather his balls and realise no one should be treating his son like that regardless of how old they are.

Reading this brought back memories of my childhood, of a violent mother who would lash out at me for the slightest reason. One example was when I was four years old and I accidently kicked a footbal against some washing on the line. She marched me indoors, took down my shorts and used a bamboo cane on me until my backside was bleeding. She then took me to my gran's house and made me show my gran what she had done to me. As I got older the cane was replaced by a leather belt. My father never hit me, he just preferred psychological bullying.
I don't blame the OP for hitting her mum, she deserved it. She had the chance to now bully the OP's son, just as she had bullied/abused her own daughter.
There are boundaries and this one was clearly crossed.

She hit your child! I’d of had to of been pulled off someone if they did that to my son. And that’s without the history of what they did to you!

THIS! ^

I would have torn her ears off!

My mother won’t see my ds ever again, and she only forced him to wear clothes that were so tight they left marks and hurt him for hours despite him asking 3 times to change back out of them “you’ll hurt my feelings if you change out of them” (she’d bought them.

ivestoppedreadingthenews advice is excellent

However the “knocking her the fuck out” advice does resonate too. Had I come across my ds who’d already been slapped as hard as your ds was AND she was shouting at him and pinching his face, given what you know they are capable of, I doubt anyone would have reacted much differently

And she deserved it. 100%

Go NC with her, your dad and your sister

If your h can’t see why you’d protect your child against vile parents like yours, then he needs help/to pack and go himself.

This situation was serious, he needed to back you 100%, he should never stand by while someone hits his son. Never

Just to say - over on OTBT (under Other Stuff) there is always a Stately Homes thread which has been enormously supportive to me. It deletes every 30 days. Non judgemental support for people who have had similar experiences with their parents and families. Some of us have gone low or no contact which isn't right for everyone but you'll get lots of support whatever you choose to do. Not that you aren't getting great support here too!

@marshmallow
All come good?
Apologise to her mother who assaulted her 6 yr old, after chasing him down to do so? I don’t bloody think so!
OP,I’m 14 years NC with my abusive mother, after she leathered my 6 yr old saying she deserved it, I wish I had knocked her out. It’s her loss, she has 4 GC she’ll never know.
Cut them out and stop the cycle of abuse.

God almighty OP, you have shit parents, an unsupportive sister and an unsupportive DH, partial to the occasional problematic tipple.

This. I think you certainly need to see a therapist, OP, but not because you have out of control anger. Because you had an utterly shit childhood and need to face it. You also have a husband who doesn't have your back. His response was disgraceful imo.

I was never hit as a child so have no trigger to violence (don't think I've ever hit anyone ever) but even I would get physical is someone was hitting my child and refusing to stop. Seriously is there anyone on this thread who wouldn't? Her mother chased down a 6 year old, hit him hard, pinched him, shouted at him and refused to stop when OP told her too. OP's utterly natural instinct to protect her child kicked in. I'd be more judging of a mother who didn't step in in that situation but let her mother continue with her abuse (which is what it was). Yeah maybe someone else would have pushed the mother aside instead of slapping her - but does anyone really think that matters in the heat of the moment.

I wouldn't be spending much or any time with them again. I'd tell my sister to mind her own children and let you sort out violence to yours. Tell you husband that you are bitterly disappointed in him and wonder why he cares more about his abusive MIL than his wife and child.

And your ds wasn't being "a little shit". He was a small child who was misbehaving. I wonder how much your parents' itching to get their hands on him contributed to that - I suspect the tension on your holiday was already there.

your mother had it coming

I can't believe I'm reading so many posts like this. Those are the exact words a male abuser would use, and which battered wives hear all the time.

OF COURSE the grandparents were hideously wrong to go for the child. And ABSOLUTELY the OP should have gone off on one, and maybe thrown them out, never to see them again. But it's bizarre the amount of people who are cheering on physical violence with "she deserved it".

The OP seems to have more sense than the rest of you, frankly. At least she knows she shouldn't have done it and needs help with her anger.

I'm totally against violence and have never hit anyone in my life but if my mother hit my child I would find it extremely difficult to hold back. I can't believe your husband is angry with you, to be honest.

DH is disgusted with me for hitting a 72 year old woman - understandably. (But not with her for hitting a 6 year old who had a red hand print on his bum).
We are leaving tomorrow, 3 days early.
DH is barely speaking to me.

Your 'D'H is an arsehole. Who condones hitting kids??

Where do you go from here? The divorce courts IMO.

I agree with the sentiment, of being so mad with her mother from her childhood and her child, to wanting to slap her.

However I think the overriding issue is breaking the cycle with DS. He needs to see his mum can be in control by:

• sorting out her own anger issues (as she said in the post)
• not leaving him around his GP s again.

DS needs to see his Mum protecting him by prevention rather than reaction.

• DH sounds like he’s weak and doesn’t get it.

I am surprised by the people who think it is so 'odd' that a child may want to try and have a relationship with their parents even after they were so abusive..... I suspect that I can hear the doubt ticking over in their minds......what's so hard to believe about a child who wants to think that despite everything their parents actually do love them and will love their own child?

We hope for the best because we want that 'happy family' we want our children to have the grandparents that other kids have, the grandparents wo will love and protect them. Sometimes it takes a long time to sink in that this will never be the reality.

Lucky you if you live in a bubble where families and relationships are all black and white but it's not the case for everyone.

didn't want to read and run. offering some support.

just to add my own tuppance worth.

anger and sadness are seen as bad emotions in our society and as a result we tend to repress them. when you continually repress your emotions they are bound to come spilling out at some stage.

what I'm trying to say is that it's ok to be angry. angry at your parents for the way they treated you as a child and how they treated your child. angry at your partner the situations you describe. but obviously
but it's not ok to then be violent. you need ways to express your anger that isn't hitting. it's no surprise that you do though given that is the example you were given throughout your childhood. so it's great that you have recognised that you need help to deal with your childhood trauma and resulting anger issues.