My crappy childhood has just exploded

[DearTeddyRobinson]

I'm on hols with DH, 2 DCs, and my parents. 6yo DS is being a pain in the arse. DH and I are dealing with it as best we can but it's hard. He's clearly driving my parents mad and they are not hiding it. Lots of snide little comments to him etc. Anyway today there was some kind of contretemps at the pool - I wasn't there.
Next thing I know, DS is running into the house sobbing hysterically, with my mother hot on his heels, my father close behind. They were shouting the odds about him being a spoiled brat, I started to get angry with them and told them to stop bullying him. Yelling escalates, father tells me to leave and go home. While I'm yelling back at my father, I hear a loud slap and a scream. I run back in to where DS is and my mother is pinching his face and leaning down right into his face, hissing something at him. I shout at her to leave him alone, she doesn't and continues to berate him.
I slap her in the face. All hell breaks loose.

So while I was growing up my parents were violent disciplinarians. They would shout at and slap and beat me whenever I transgressed. They used to team up so one could hold me down while the other hit me.
On one occasion I was dragged naked from the shower (I was a teen at this point) and beaten on the bathroom floor.
I never wanted my kids to think this was ok and by and large DH and I agree. But I have serious anger issues and somehow still think that hitting someone is the ultimate resolution (not the kids though).
I think today all of this fucked up mess came boiling over. DH is disgusted with me for hitting a 72 year old woman - understandably. (But not with her for hitting a 6 year old who had a red hand print on his bum).
We are leaving tomorrow, 3 days early.
DH is barely speaking to me. The kids are confused. I am sick with god knows what - rage, guilt, whatever.
Where the fuck do we go from here?

mrsmuddlepies I am well aware of that

I said that op had stuff she needed to work through.

However just because someone has hit out doesn't mean they cannot defend anyone ever.

My own ds was attacked by an out of control teen with mh issues when he was about 18 months old.

She flew at him screaming like a banshee and I seriously think she was trying to pull his head off so I punched her in the face and would do it over and over. It wouldn't matter if I had hit my dh to within an inch of his life or had never laid a finger on him if someone was attacking my ds.

I'm close to your mother's age and I just wanted to say, good for you, defending your child.

When I had a child, I did believe in smacking and my friends and family did too, but people just didn't smack other people's children.

They have been together at least 7 years.
He used to have a serious alcohol problem but has calmed down.
He got slapped twice. We dont know when or how or anything about it.
OP admits this fully.

Is this enough to conclude that he is a battered husband and that this is DV by a woman on a man really?

DH should have left. Maybe OP should have left too. But they didn't.

That is not what this thread is about. This is speculation at it's best.

inesj

The OP has had therapy, and is open to it again but from what she has posted she needs to find a better therapist.

@IvanaPee
Stop being dramatic, OP said she’d slapped him twice not ‘beat the shit out of him’
And given her past I highly doubt she’ll turn on her kids.

chickenyhead

This is speculation at it's best.

There is a lot of speculation on this thread.

Mind yourself with your FFS. Get a grip response there BoneyBackJefferson, you sound a tad aggressive there yourself. Cuppa tea?

@Oliversmumsarmy

A lot of women don't cut out the abusive partner after being hit the first time it can take years or a particular incident for them to get the courage to leave.

Ironic, isn't it, given that OP is the abusive partner.

But you, and many others on this thread, don't give a flying fuck about that because it's a male on the receiving end of violence from the partner.

Fucking disgusting.

In most cases I would be the one saying like fuck should you apologise to your mother. But in this case the apology is because this is the new you, who knows this behaviour is unacceptable and won’t do it again. It’s not vindictive, it’s not about justifying, it’s not about your mother being abusive, it’s not about she deserved it (I kind of think she did except I don’t approve of hitting) , it’s you deciding who you are now. So follow the checklist posted very early and be your new self. Missing from the checklist is forgive yourself, please add that.

Your dh is a bigger challenge. I think having hit him is a factor in why he’s struggling with it. You need to understand that it’s reasonable for him to find this hard, tell him you’re working on it, and say I hope you can believe me about my childhood down the track because it hurts that you don’t. I have issues but I’ve not lied to you.

RageAgainstTheVendingMachine

It was a pissy response to a pissy post. Just responding like for like.
But I'm happy to join you in a and I'll even throw in some pom s

@Bookworm4 she said she hit him twice and threw something at him.

But glad we’ve established things. Next time a woman comes on and says her dh hit her, we’ll all tell her to stop being dramatic if it was only once or twice, shall we?

And given her past I highly doubt she’ll turn on her kids.

This is either naive or plain stupid. I’ll leave you to clarify which.

I think it is possible to feel regret for slapping your Mum without feeling apologetic. She has beaten you up countless times. Your protective instincts toward your son kicked in. She has no qualms about administering violent punishments, but can't take them herself. She is a nasty vindictive woman who overstepped the line and received a taste of her own medicine (or perhaps I should say poison).

Genevieva excellent point. "I think it is possible to feel regret for slapping your Mum without feeling apologetic."

You;ve already said sorry to your mum, I'd personally leave it at that and work out how you are going to handle things in the future. You mention your children's cousins. It's totally understandable you want to see wider family but clearly that desire clouded your judgement and put you and the kids in harms way from your parents.

Sometimes going completely no contact with people is best, sometimes a very low contact can work better.

Either way, for now I'd be going no contact on holiday and allow yourself and your dh to work through some of these things together. Make sure your kids know they are safe, grandparents are safe but you will not be seeing them because of all the strong emotions etc.

As a previous poster wrote, the Op is being encouraged to leave her husband for not being understanding about why her childhood made her hit him.
So she leaves her bastard battered husband who was clearly asking for it,. As a lone parent, she understandably turns to her parents for support and the whole thing happens again.
Or, the OP posts in a few years about her son pushing her buttons and not understanding about her abusive childhood so she hits him.
It is sad for the OP who clearly has horrible parents, so she cuts out the drama with them and NEVER invites them on holiday again.
Perhaps they could all go on holiday with her in laws next summer.😉

Boney you are looking at this thread from the perspective of a battered husband. I am looking at it from the perspective of an abused child.
If you cannot see how this will automatically bias our responses then you need to think more critically.
I don't like thank you but will buy you a packet as well as some .

I presume that the OP is known by her mother to have a temper, in which case the mother should know that her actions would lead to her being walloped by her daughter

SuperSara for the context of ds being attacked I don't think it is relevant how many times op attacked her dh when he was drinking.

Are you saying that because op hit her dh twice she should stand back and watch her ds being attacked.

The op is aware of her problems and has tried to get help for her anger but in this case I think a lot of people would have done exactly the same as op did.

I wasn't trying to minimise what op has admitted to. I do think her marriage might not survive.

If ops dh had hit op twice when she was going through a phase of being a drunkard but had sort help for anger management and then he hit his abusive father because he was attacking his son I don't think the 2 types of incidents are the same.

RageAgainstTheVendingMachine

Would you look at the situation from the perspective of an abused child if it was a man who hit his wife because he had been hit as a child. It might be mitigation in the eyes of the law but it would never excuse the violence.
The OP is minimising using violence as a tool.
She deliberately put her son in the position of abuse by inviting her abusive parents on holiday.

I agree, it is weird to want to play happy families when the parents have been so horribly abusive to her as a child

And given her past I highly doubt she’ll turn on her kids

This is either naive or plain stupid. I’ll leave you to clarify which

Are you saying that anyone who has had an abusive childhood will at some point attack their own children?

I have even hit someone who was attacking my child.

I have never hit my children

@Oliversmumsarmy ,
The Op chose to invite her physically abusive parents on holiday with her child. Do you think this was acceptable? Would it still be acceptable and understandable to you if a man deliberately invited his physically abusive/sexually abusive parents on holiday with him and his young family?

RageAgainstTheVendingMachine

If you cannot see how this will automatically bias our responses then you need to think more critically.

Yet the same can be said of you.

As I posted, there are many issues in the OP's posts that need unpicking. From her childhood through to where she is now.

We have

Childhood abuse (mental and physical)
Golden child vs scapegoat
Controlling behaviour from the parents
FOG
DV (two hits and one thrown item)
Rage/anger issues
A desire to please her parents (not unusual for those that have been abused)
and from what I can see a poor therapist that has validated OP instead of trying to get the OP to be reflective.

Mixed in with that we have
Parent abusers
A possible Alcoholic (although we don't really know)
Three victims of violence (the OP, her DH and "D"M)
And an inability to see someone else's view. (from the OP and her DH)

This is stuff picked from the OP's posts without embellishment.

Its a seriously fucked up situation, and that is with out knowing where, what and how the DH was doing, or how the sisters family are treated.

And I am fairly sure I have missed bits.

It is the whole happy families holiday thing for me. What parent, knowing how abusive her parents are, wants to expose her child to their abusive behaviour?

I'm so sorry you went through tjat childhood. It's good you've broken the cycle of abuse.

Your dh sounds an arse. He should support you especially knowing your history

Would you look at the situation from the perspective of an abused child if it was a man who hit his wife because he had been hit as a child. It might be mitigation in the eyes of the law but it would never excuse the violence.
If the OP was a man, my advice would be exactly the same - lower contact with parents, therapy for dysfunctional childhood, examine their own behaviour. Equally, I would have expected the wife to have stepped up with helping wrangle the kids, de-escalating the situation and supporting her husband, especially if aware of possible tensions.
If the dad had hit his own dad in protecting his son, I still would not have minimised the grandfather's own conduct based on him being 72.
No-one ever deserves to be hit. No-one. Male or Female. Whatever age they are.
No-one deserves to put up with abusive relations or spouses. Or those with drink or drug issues.
We are responsible for our own actions. Our children who are innocent and vulnerable should be protected by all adults around them, not just one.