My crappy childhood has just exploded

[DearTeddyRobinson]

I'm on hols with DH, 2 DCs, and my parents. 6yo DS is being a pain in the arse. DH and I are dealing with it as best we can but it's hard. He's clearly driving my parents mad and they are not hiding it. Lots of snide little comments to him etc. Anyway today there was some kind of contretemps at the pool - I wasn't there.
Next thing I know, DS is running into the house sobbing hysterically, with my mother hot on his heels, my father close behind. They were shouting the odds about him being a spoiled brat, I started to get angry with them and told them to stop bullying him. Yelling escalates, father tells me to leave and go home. While I'm yelling back at my father, I hear a loud slap and a scream. I run back in to where DS is and my mother is pinching his face and leaning down right into his face, hissing something at him. I shout at her to leave him alone, she doesn't and continues to berate him.
I slap her in the face. All hell breaks loose.

So while I was growing up my parents were violent disciplinarians. They would shout at and slap and beat me whenever I transgressed. They used to team up so one could hold me down while the other hit me.
On one occasion I was dragged naked from the shower (I was a teen at this point) and beaten on the bathroom floor.
I never wanted my kids to think this was ok and by and large DH and I agree. But I have serious anger issues and somehow still think that hitting someone is the ultimate resolution (not the kids though).
I think today all of this fucked up mess came boiling over. DH is disgusted with me for hitting a 72 year old woman - understandably. (But not with her for hitting a 6 year old who had a red hand print on his bum).
We are leaving tomorrow, 3 days early.
DH is barely speaking to me. The kids are confused. I am sick with god knows what - rage, guilt, whatever.
Where the fuck do we go from here?

I think now you are back you can very easily go NC with your parents. However I dont think your dh will be as on board as you might think.

Yes he can see the dynamics have shifted but deep down I think he is thinking that he shouldn't rock the boat with you and to wait for time to pass before getting you all together with your parents again.

I dont think he will be able to give up the idea of a big inheritance over from his point of view, one incident.

Yes he will be toeing the line for the time being because he has probably worked out if he doesn't and you divorce he won't be getting anything

I would be very aware of your dh's words and actions as I think he at some point will be working against you.

The lure of a big pay off is too much to just give up.

FWIW I have issues with noises. I hate the sound of vacuum cleaners so much that any house we live in I rip out the carpets and we have floorboards till we can afford to put down either tiles or wooden flooring. I don't own a Hoover.
I also have problems around alarms . Everyone else seems to cope with the alarm going off if someone has buent the toast but I have to stand in the road so I don't hear it.

I would not find it helpful if someone started to yell at me for over reacting

Teddy it is really sad that your DH has never had your back, he never will.

I wish you well in dealing with him and going NC with your parents they are are dominating abusers. Be mindful that your H will blame DS and rewrite the truth.

Team Teddy all the way. I'm so sorry this has happened to you, OP, and now your son. No way should you be apologising!! Your mother should be apologising and your DH for not backing you up. My mom and I don't always agree on how I should discipline my DCs. The thing is though, is that she actually respects my parenting style and decisions and appreciates the fact that I am their mother and I get to decide how to parent them. This isn't just a minor disagrement about physical punishment. Theres a massive difference between a slap on the back of the wrist or bottom to what your mum did. She assaulted and abused your son with venom. Honestly, in that position I'd have done more than slap her. You did what any parent would do, you protected and defended your child. You've sent a very clear message to her that you wont accept this behaviour towards your children. I'm honestly appalled by the treatment you describe from your childhood. Dragging a teenager from a shower, pinning them down and beating them. That horrific! Imagine if someone did that to an adult? I hope you can find some peace with therapy and in your position I'd definitely be going NC. Sod the inheritance!! If your DH is more concerned about the money than your mental wellbeing he needs to take a very hard look at himself

DearTeddyRobinson, thank you for posting this, it gave me the courage to post too. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3661478-DM-screamed-at-my-DS-and-made-him-cry-on-holiday?watched=1&msgid=89197891#89197891 It sounds very similar to my situation but the violence must have been very distressing.

See how your parents want to keep the dynamic of golden child (sister an your other DC) and scape goat (you and Your DS) - this why you need to go NC as they and likely your H have bought into creating this dynamic and they will want to maintain it.

My heart really goes out to you, they are utterly toxic and by default you are highly likely to have subconsciously chosen a partner that will replicate some of their traits.

@mummy3yearold welcome to Team Teddy 🐻

This thing where your husband doesn't have your back on these kinds of issues... I am familiar with this territory, the husband can smell that he could possibly use this as a way to control you, after all it was his sense that you are a wounded person that drew him to you, not because he's a healer but because he's an exploiter
he's smart enough to have noticed that women are uppity these days, harder to control so he doesn't come down too heavy, he hedges his bets a little but ultimately realises too late that he has chosen the wrong camp and now he looks like the bad guy

Don't go on holiday with these people, limit your time with them and protect your own children from their tempers. You are an adult, keep yourself and your children away from their toxic outbursts. Get yourself some counselling.

What's the situation like at home with your husband since the holiday? Is he still being off with you?

Its also called looking at the wider picture.

But the wider picture you see has a child living with a man who has hit him in anger. Living with a man who thinks it's OK for anyone to hit his child, and not see that his child should be defended against violence coming from someone who is older then he is.

It may mean access to a child abuser who regularly beat his mother.

That wider picture you see shows a child that it is OK to beat someone smaller, and more vulnerable than yourself. It also shows that child that they have no right to justice, that people can do what they like to people smaller than them. It shows that child that it's OK to be around someone who you can't trust and someone who says they love you and then beats you.

It's highly damaging. And advocating that for a child of any age shows a complete lack of consideration for the child's welfare.

The husband doesn't believe the op about her childhood. Therefore if his son came home one day and said "nanny beat me" he wouldn't believe him either.

Therefore condoning child abuse and keeping the cycle going for another generation.

differentnameforthis

That is a lot of hyperbole and assumptions to try and prove your narrative.

I have just read your post and I completely understand your anger....it’s human nature to fight back to protect your son....
Wether that’s a stranger or family member,
Yes of course hitting is wrong but believe you and me,anyone touch my children in that way I’d do exactly the same...
How dare they hurt your child like that...
Im with other people with the fact your husband stuck up for them and not you....
I bet you felt like everyone was against you when you were retaliating to such negative behaviour....
I do hope your ok....
And don’t apologise for anything you’ve done nothing wrong

Well done for sticking up for your ds, that must have been hard given your upbringing.
Sadly I think your dh does realise how bad your childhood was and what happened with your ds. He just doesn't care. He only cares about the inheritance. Sorry to be so blunt, but thats what screams out to me from your posts.
I hope you get further counselling and the scales really fall from your eyes about your dh as well.

What struck me way upthread was a poster saying how distressing it was for your DH to see you slapping your DM

Yet, they presume it was somehow acceptable for an adult to not be distressed with seeing a young child being attacked by an adult?

If you're referring to me, you presume wrongly, as my other posts make clear. It's possible to be shocked by both things.

@BoneyBackJefferson

differentnameforthis

That is a lot of hyperbole and assumptions to try and prove your narrative.

Oh, the irony.

JingsMahBucket

Oh, the irony.

Yet I haven't called others names, claimed that they are one of the grandparents or claimed that they condone child abuse. (by various posters)

So the moral high ground is hardly yours.

@IvanaPee Exactly!
Disgusting learnt behaviour that sadly DS has seen first hand

@BoneyBackJefferson ... you want a child subjected to abuse by his father to continue living with that man, and without his mother who at least has the balls (unlike his father) to fucking stand up for him.

The moral high ground isn't yours, either.

This stuff is getting out of hand! A bit of calm needed.

The dh may not be on board, but he’s not abusive as far as anyone can tell! He’s used physical punishment once and never again, he just doesn’t get the op childhood and what triggered her to react as she did so quickly

Op needs help to explain to him what happened to her and what she was frightened of happening to her little boy.

Remember too that the fear our dysfunctional upbringing creates is childhood fear- it engulfs us and sets us back to the moment when we were little and powerless.

Ultimately the dh DOES need an intensive introduction to the dynamics the op suffered as a kid and one would hope that in the cool and calm of home he’ll come to understand what actually happened and why.

If he doesn’t get on board, that’s a whole other issue. Nothing is going to happen overnight, there’s no danger for op or for ds.

Now now stop bickering everyone! And thank you @MzHz for bringing some calm and rational thought to things.
At the moment DH and I aren't speaking. I assume because he's disgusted with me. And I'm not speaking to him because he's not speaking to me! Very mature. But genuinely I don't know if I can bring myself to tell him everything when I already have and it means nothing, just another stick to (metaphorically ) beat me with

Is your son okay? It bothers me that he might see the negative family dynamics around him as his fault. "If I hadn't been naughty and made grandma angry, mummy and daddy wouldn't be being horrible to each other"

Yes he's ok thank you @saraclara. I am acutely aware of what he has seen and that he may copy it, another reason for me to get a handle on this shitshow ASAP

I'm glad he's doing okay. What an awful time you've all had. I wish I had anything useful to suggest. It does seem as though it needs a neutral third party's involvement, but if you're not speaking, I don't know how you move on to being able to discuss seeing a counsellor.

I don't suppose you have a neutral close mutual friend who'd be prepared to step in?

@differentnameforthis

stop making stuff up, its not helpful.

@DearTeddyRobinson

It might be worth approaching the school with this as well.

If the school does the usual "what I did on my holidays" task it could trigger a response from the CPO.