My crappy childhood has just exploded

[DearTeddyRobinson]

I'm on hols with DH, 2 DCs, and my parents. 6yo DS is being a pain in the arse. DH and I are dealing with it as best we can but it's hard. He's clearly driving my parents mad and they are not hiding it. Lots of snide little comments to him etc. Anyway today there was some kind of contretemps at the pool - I wasn't there.
Next thing I know, DS is running into the house sobbing hysterically, with my mother hot on his heels, my father close behind. They were shouting the odds about him being a spoiled brat, I started to get angry with them and told them to stop bullying him. Yelling escalates, father tells me to leave and go home. While I'm yelling back at my father, I hear a loud slap and a scream. I run back in to where DS is and my mother is pinching his face and leaning down right into his face, hissing something at him. I shout at her to leave him alone, she doesn't and continues to berate him.
I slap her in the face. All hell breaks loose.

So while I was growing up my parents were violent disciplinarians. They would shout at and slap and beat me whenever I transgressed. They used to team up so one could hold me down while the other hit me.
On one occasion I was dragged naked from the shower (I was a teen at this point) and beaten on the bathroom floor.
I never wanted my kids to think this was ok and by and large DH and I agree. But I have serious anger issues and somehow still think that hitting someone is the ultimate resolution (not the kids though).
I think today all of this fucked up mess came boiling over. DH is disgusted with me for hitting a 72 year old woman - understandably. (But not with her for hitting a 6 year old who had a red hand print on his bum).
We are leaving tomorrow, 3 days early.
DH is barely speaking to me. The kids are confused. I am sick with god knows what - rage, guilt, whatever.
Where the fuck do we go from here?

Some people on this thread are absolutely nuts

Clue: it is NOT you DearTeddyRobinson

Those of you saying she is awful for slapping her mum please tell me what you would do a person (male/female/young/old) was ASSAULTING your 6 year old child for annoying them after shouting at them to stop and they don’t

Your behaviour was not despicable under the circumstances. I would slap/punch someone who was assaulting a child/any other defenseless person/being, regardless of their age. If they can dish it out they shouldn't be surprised if somebody stood up to them.

If someone did it to my child, I would completely lose my shit.

Just to add to the above - I DO NOT condone violence. I simply meant that I would act in defense of someone who couldn't defend themselves, even if that meant physically hurting/restraining them. My martial arts training speaking.

Yes op! We see a chink of humour in your sadness at long last, you did what all of us would have done in a similar situation.

Instead of berating yourself (and allowing others to join in) why not do something different.

Say to dh ' Yes I did hit my mother to protect our son, and it was 34 years in the making. Perhaps my mother will think twice before she starts lashes out at a very young child again'

Own it.
Show you are on your OWN side.
He does not get to judge you, especially as he has shown zero understanding or compassion for you.

Fuck it op. Stand up for that little girl inside you.

You finally snapped, good, she won't do it again will she.

If I were you I would be proud that I didn't let her abuse my child, I would be proud that I stood to the witch. I would be proud that I am no longer the victim.

I say it kindly, be on your own bloody side Teddy, because you sure as hell can't rely on those around you.

I am team Teddy and son!

It does happen. My father beat me for fourteen solid years, before I snapped and defended myself with a brass lamp. He never did it again.

Your son has seen that you stood up for him, that people can not hit and hurt him and get away with it, please try and see that despite never ever wanting children to be in this position, you did the right thing. I can't imagine actually standing back and allowing her and your father to continue, so what choice did you have?

It is massive.

She taught her son he was worth protecting despite never having been shown that she was when she was young.

She had the courage to confront a bully and showed her son that it is right to stand up for someone small being bullied.

She verbally demanded that her mother stop the attack and when she wouldn't the OP restrained herself to the reasonable force necessary to end the attack rather than launching a violent attack of her own copying her parent's behaviour or as revenge for all of the physical abuse she had endured.

She gave an apology though it was undeserved because she fell short of her own standards of behaviour and she took responsibility.

She removed her children from the toxic situation.

That all sounds admirable to me.

I agree that she should speak to a therapist to help work through this trauma and give her the space to think about her relationship with her husband.

You knew what she was capable of from bitter experience and wanted to defeat your child from the abuse you endured. I think you were remarkably courageous and restrained given your history with that woman.

If others think you over reacted it's because they didn't understand how the attack could escalate further.

Lets be honest she wasnt slapping mother theresa, or any other saint but a nasty vicious woman, Miss Marple she wasnt.

A mother defending her child is something everyone should beware of.

@lovelookslikethis

Say to dh ' Yes I did hit my mother to protect our son, and it was 34 years in the making. Perhaps my mother will think twice before she starts lashes out at a very young child again'

^ I love this. Own the fuck out of it OP.

@lovelookslikethis thank you
Sorry your own father was a prick and well done for standing up to him. You are a most welcome addition to Team Teddy 🐻

@JingsMahBucket I love the idea of owning the fuck out of it. Anyone who attacks my kids better be ready for Team Teddy to kick some ass

I love what lovelookslikethis has said. Can you say that to dh? He really needs a wak-up call and that might just be enough (fingers crossed).

I'm on Team Teddy.

lovelooks that's an amazing post. Definitely own it. Team Teddy all the way

I'm also on Team Teddy

Team Teddy too! Had to stand up to my parents three years ago. Not heard from them since - except one letter to say they were making special provision in their will for my ds - I think I know what they were angling at but I don't care (I'm being written out 😜)

Team Teddy all the way.

Ex H had a violent mother and standing up to her meant that the violence stopped. Bullies will continue until someone does make them realise they wont get away with it.

I don't agree with violence but can see why you lashed out.

Op, did you have anyone in your life, when you were a child, who showed you kindness? It is often that difference that stops the cycle.

*So while I was growing up my parents were violent disciplinarians. They would shout at and slap and beat me whenever I transgressed. They used to team up so one could hold me down while the other hit me.
On one occasion I was dragged naked from the shower (I was a teen at this point) and beaten on the bathroom floor. *

And you allowed your parents to be with your children? Why would you do that? Are you mad?

Also thank you @ThirdThoughts - you've expressed what I hope is DH's problem - he thinks I over reacted because he genuinely doesn't understand how these things escalate with my parents. He doesn't believe me/want to believe me/understand/whatever. But I know, beyond the slightest doubt, how these things go down with my parents. The older, and more likely to argue the toss you are, the more they become enraged. They have now decided that my son is 'bad' so would be looking for more opportunities to prove this, and to therefore righteously punish him. No fucking way am I allowing that to happen.

@lawnmowingsucks i addressed that earlier in the post

Sorry - didn't rtft. My bad.

Violence is justified if it's an act of self defence which this was as OP was protecting her DS.

Do NOT apologise to your parents. Go very low but preferably NC.

Seek therapy. Don't suppress your anger from your childhood it's justified and needs an outlet, but in a managed way.

Read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

You have a long road ahead but you can and will overcome your childhood legacy, but it can't be done on your own, your DH needs to understand the effect your childhood experiences have had on you and be supportive as much as possible.

Why are people saying it's not ok to hit people??

What are you all Jesus, showing the other cheek.

Fuck that, well done showing your son that you are there to protect him, nobody protected you, darling. When you were a child.

I would kill to protect my kids. Obviously not here in the mad world of MNet!! Where they'd all turn the other cheek!

Your husband is a dick, go back to counselling and get stronger! Sadly your parents are never ever going to be the parents you want them to be, and definitely not the grandparents your son deserves.

You are amazing and strong! Carry on protecting your son.

Ahh had only read the first few pages in disbelief! I see the tide has turned and you have more support! Go Team Teddy!

you've expressed what I hope is DH's problem - he thinks I over reacted because he genuinely doesn't understand how these things escalate with my parents.

I still wouldn't be happy with this. My own parents were the gentlest of people and never hit anyone, including their children and we had a lovely childhood. But if I had seen one of them do what your mother did to my 6 year old and she refused to stop - I'd have done what you did.

Ugh! What a horrible situation....

Personally I'd just distance yourself from your parents and seek to forgive them in time. That's the only way you'll ever be free from them.

In the meantime express your disappointment as to how they treated your child. As for husband; he is supposed to support you no matter what (otherwise what be the point of taking marriage vows?) Perhaps remind him of that and ask him to start behaving like an adult, supporting his wife and more importantly his child!!

I also think you need to get some form
of counsel and guidance; priority at the end of the day is NOT you, your husband nor your parents it's your child. You are responsible to protect and love and keep him from harm so get all the advice and help you can.