My crappy childhood has just exploded

[DearTeddyRobinson]

I'm on hols with DH, 2 DCs, and my parents. 6yo DS is being a pain in the arse. DH and I are dealing with it as best we can but it's hard. He's clearly driving my parents mad and they are not hiding it. Lots of snide little comments to him etc. Anyway today there was some kind of contretemps at the pool - I wasn't there.
Next thing I know, DS is running into the house sobbing hysterically, with my mother hot on his heels, my father close behind. They were shouting the odds about him being a spoiled brat, I started to get angry with them and told them to stop bullying him. Yelling escalates, father tells me to leave and go home. While I'm yelling back at my father, I hear a loud slap and a scream. I run back in to where DS is and my mother is pinching his face and leaning down right into his face, hissing something at him. I shout at her to leave him alone, she doesn't and continues to berate him.
I slap her in the face. All hell breaks loose.

So while I was growing up my parents were violent disciplinarians. They would shout at and slap and beat me whenever I transgressed. They used to team up so one could hold me down while the other hit me.
On one occasion I was dragged naked from the shower (I was a teen at this point) and beaten on the bathroom floor.
I never wanted my kids to think this was ok and by and large DH and I agree. But I have serious anger issues and somehow still think that hitting someone is the ultimate resolution (not the kids though).
I think today all of this fucked up mess came boiling over. DH is disgusted with me for hitting a 72 year old woman - understandably. (But not with her for hitting a 6 year old who had a red hand print on his bum).
We are leaving tomorrow, 3 days early.
DH is barely speaking to me. The kids are confused. I am sick with god knows what - rage, guilt, whatever.
Where the fuck do we go from here?

@DearTeddyRobinson I know this must be so much to unpick in your mind and very traumatising but maybe you should think about leaving your dh.

He doesn't believe you? That's truly awful my love.

I have a father who displayed bullying, belittling and very controlling behaviour on a regular basis during my upbringing. He did hit me, occasionally, up to my mid teen years. His bullying tactics only tailed off as he has aged in the last couple of years - I am in my forties now.

In some ways your thread has been very helpful in clarifying exactly why I have been so careful to keep my own child quite distant from him during the more tricky toddler and pre-school years - I felt that I couldn't simultaneously be an effective parent and a frightened daughter. (Oh that phrase has such a ring of truth!) But perhaps, deep down, I was also afraid of some kind of explosive incident of this kind.

One thing I would say. My husband has his own issues and our marriage has had some very rocky patches. I am not sure where our future lies. But one thing I have always been sure of is that he perceives my father as he is and that if I ever had to step back to the wall, he would be there behind me and ready to step in between my father and me.

I don't think you were wrong to slap your mother, she deserved it after the way she treated both you and your son.

I agree that the abusive parents will be working hard to control the narrative and frame the situation in a way that favours them, you should be ready for this OP

but seriously, slapping your mother's face is HUGE

Hardly, she's not special just because she's her mother.

but seriously, slapping your mother's face is HUGE

I'd have slapped someone if they did that to my dog let alone child.

slapping your mother's face is huge *
Yeah, hence my post.

Id have grabbed by the throat and pinned her up against the wall
nevermind slapping her face

I’ve had some counselling in the last year connected with my relationship with my parents. Nothing like the extent of what you have gone through, but it has really helped.

We had an incident recently and what has really changed as a result of the work I’ve done in counselling is my reaction to their actions - I no longer feel the same shame, guilt and self-doubt. My response now is about how angry I feel about the way they have dealt with the issue and that is a huge change for me.

I highly recommend finding a good counsellor that you can work with on this.

but seriously, slapping your mother's face is HUGE

And her mother and father doing that to their own SIX YEAR OLD grandson isn't???

Op acted to defend her child. Most people would have done the same.

Slapping your mother’s face is huge.

See, this is the hysteria that comes with breaking the moral code of “sacred mother”. You only get one mother. You should defer to your mother at all times. She is the matriarch and should never be questioned or held accountable. How could you possibly have raised a hand to your own mother etc.

I’ve kicked my mum. When I was 15. She was beating the shit out of me and brother with a broom in a drunken state, covered in vomit, it was all I could do to get her off us. I had a bloody nose and my glasses were smashed to pieces. She doesn’t even remember it. Unless you’ve been in this situation, it’s very hard to judge what you would do. When you have been an abused child, the lines blur and change. Sometimes you need to protect yourself from your parent.

slapping your mother's face is huge

Yeah, hence my post.

Yep. And what I take from this thread is that you've owned it and know you have to look at your anger issues. What I find strange is that 90% of posters don't want you to, and say things like she deserved it/had it coming to her/you did the right thing.

I have great respect for you @DearTeddyRobinson
I'm 63 and still dealing with the effect of my own mother's abusive behaviour when I was a child/teen. The fact that you can see your own actions for what they were, and still know that this can't happen again, is way ahead of most respondents here.
I've never hit my mum, but the effects on me have been more about hating and avoiding any sort of violence. But I know I sometimes respond like my mother would in other ways, and that brings me up short, too.

I just wish that other posters weren't so keen to condone or even encourage what you did. And recognise that your husband's shock might be informing the way he's reacting at the moment. Even if he's not handling things well.

I hope some counselling will help.

*||

I just wish that other posters weren't so keen to condone or even encourage what you did. And recognise that your husband's shock might be informing the way he's reacting at the moment. Even if he's not handling things well.

She didn't walk up to her mother and randomly slap her. She slapped her to get her to stop abusing her 6 year old. The woman had already chased him, hit him, pinched his face and was shouting at him and refused to stop when the OP yelled at her to stop. Shame on you if you would just stand there and let your small child be abused in these circumstances.

The dh didn't even witness it so why he has decided to be shocked beyond belief at his wife's actions but completely accepting of his mother in laws beats me - maybe he would have liked to hit his child himself?. Basically he would rather believe his in laws narrative than his wife's. Maybe he should be married to them because he thinks his wife is lying about her childhood - not my idea of a decent husband. But I am not surprised OP is married to an asshole who doesn't have her back because that is what was given to her in her primary relationship with her parents- assholes who didn't protect her.

maybe he would have liked to hit his child himself?

He already has. The OP said in an update thslat he has hit their dc, plus that he though ds was bring 'a shit' and she thinks her husband wanted her parents to teach him a lesson.

slapping your mother's face is HUGE.

Not when she is in the middle of a sustained attack on your child.

OKay. It's a while since I read the OP. I'd remembered it more as OP slapping her mum after the event. And yep, I do recognise now that the mum was actually in the throes of hurting the child at the time.

I can see OP's action as more instinctive than punitive now.
I'd probably be roughly dragging my mum off him, which somehow feels more natural to me, (and would be less shocking to be reported back to those who weren't there). But I can see that others might do otherwise in the heat of the moment.

I just want to be clear - I am so grateful for all the support here, it's beyond anything I could have expected. But I didn't post just hoping that everyone would condone what I did. I am looking for a way to move beyond what happened. I know more than most how utterly despicable it is to hit someone, having been on the receiving end more times than I can count.
Equally I don't need to be told how fucked up i am, along with my family dynamics. I know ! And I couldn't feel any worse about it. Particularly as my husband seems intent on prolonging my punishment

it's beyond anything I could have expected
I think lots of us just wish we'd gotten the chance to thump our mothers
apologies if my facetiousness is insulting...probably you should just wallop the husband too...not really, not really :)

I just want to be clear - I am so grateful for all the support here, it's beyond anything I could have expected. But I didn't post just hoping that everyone would condone what I did. I am looking for a way to move beyond what happened. I know more than most how utterly despicable it is to hit someone, having been on the receiving end more times than I can count.

I suggest you move beyond it by seeing a counsellor to discuss the impact your childhood had on you. I am concerned that you are still seeing your action as despicable. It wasn't. You were protecting your child from a known abuser who was in mid-attack. You need to recognise that your mother is wrong, your father is wrong, your sister is wrong and your husband is despicably wrong. You don't deserve punishment. Your parents deserve punishment. You should talk to someone so you can stop looking at your life and relationships through the distorted, toxic lens your parents gave you.

It wasn't despicable. Most posters have agreed they'd have done the same or worse and that's without your triggers. Be more kind to yourself (and ignore the righteous Ritas on this thread.)

NC with your parents.

And ask your so called DH if its ok that an old woman hit a your young boy?. You hit her yes, you shouldnt have. But i would have too.

They sound like assholes.

Keep your kids away from those parents of yours. Violent twats. No need.

DearTeddyRobinson

I don't think that you are "fucked up".

You are a product of your upbringing, you have been trained to react and respond in certain ways because this is how you have been brought up.

You already know this and have made the first steps towards breaking the mould.

Unfortunately what you have now is a series of hurdles to get over, these will not be easy, but you have to look at what is best for you and your children.

@Whosorrynow I did it for all of you!

hehe DearTeddy
it's no good waiting until they are 70+ though, you have to kick their arses when they're still young enough to take it!
It's more satisfying when you're equally matched and you dont have to feel guilty :)