My crappy childhood has just exploded

[DearTeddyRobinson]

I'm on hols with DH, 2 DCs, and my parents. 6yo DS is being a pain in the arse. DH and I are dealing with it as best we can but it's hard. He's clearly driving my parents mad and they are not hiding it. Lots of snide little comments to him etc. Anyway today there was some kind of contretemps at the pool - I wasn't there.
Next thing I know, DS is running into the house sobbing hysterically, with my mother hot on his heels, my father close behind. They were shouting the odds about him being a spoiled brat, I started to get angry with them and told them to stop bullying him. Yelling escalates, father tells me to leave and go home. While I'm yelling back at my father, I hear a loud slap and a scream. I run back in to where DS is and my mother is pinching his face and leaning down right into his face, hissing something at him. I shout at her to leave him alone, she doesn't and continues to berate him.
I slap her in the face. All hell breaks loose.

So while I was growing up my parents were violent disciplinarians. They would shout at and slap and beat me whenever I transgressed. They used to team up so one could hold me down while the other hit me.
On one occasion I was dragged naked from the shower (I was a teen at this point) and beaten on the bathroom floor.
I never wanted my kids to think this was ok and by and large DH and I agree. But I have serious anger issues and somehow still think that hitting someone is the ultimate resolution (not the kids though).
I think today all of this fucked up mess came boiling over. DH is disgusted with me for hitting a 72 year old woman - understandably. (But not with her for hitting a 6 year old who had a red hand print on his bum).
We are leaving tomorrow, 3 days early.
DH is barely speaking to me. The kids are confused. I am sick with god knows what - rage, guilt, whatever.
Where the fuck do we go from here?

I think that the op's attitude towards her own violence has a marked effect on responses.

She has owned it. She has said she will seek out therapy for her own abuse and her own violent reactions.

She away on holiday, how far can she go in this search in the couple of days since the incident? She has to see to the children (or just ds) as well as cope with her own emotions and deal with a dh who is not what she thought he was. Give her a chance.

I think this is why posters are being encouraging and kind, rather than condemnatory.

I would say to your dh that he can hardly be banking on an inheritance from your parents while working so actively against his wife. Divorced exes don’t get inheritances.

Your husband cares more about money than his child's well being.

Did I miss something are the grandparents rich child beaters?

They are child beaters and evidently wealthy enough that OPs husband has earmarked their wealth as inheirtance.

mother of god that is sad and desperate. OP make sure he sees not a penny if they shuffle off. Though today by the time the care homes squeeze out their money there will only the bitter pips left tell him.

Something that helped me when my parents were still alive and I went low/no contact was F.O.G. - Fear, Obligation, Guilt. That is how they control us as children and then adults. Tell DH to stop banking on the money, it's not worth it for physical and emotional abuse and if their money means more to him than yours and DS's safety and well-being you know what to do.

Yes, I doubt very very much the OP will see any inheritance. It will most definitely all go to her sister - and this was the most likely scenario before this incident. There will be no inheritance for the OP, that's for sure, I would almost bet my house on it. And at their age, they could live til their late 80s/90s. By which time, OP's kids would have grown up, the OP's marriage probably would have broken up by then, and maybe OP or husband themselves may pass before her parents. So waiting on an imaginary inheritance (which they will be disappointed in when they finally see the Will) for another 2-3 decades is ridiculous. One thing you can never bank on - especially with OP's history - is an inheritance. It is the one thing you can never rely on.

@SaraNade hear hear. Well said. OP needs to cut her losses and her ties with the lot of them.

The Everyone Else line is Abuser101.
I’m liking your h less and less the more I hear.

At BEST he’s an abuse enabler... at worst he’s cut from the exact same cloth

As for “banking on” your inheritance over the physical safety of your child... well. Words fail.

You need a bit of time to be able to think all this through and see what is best for you. I think it’s parents OUT for sure, it’s just whether he’s board with you 100% or gets off the bus - you have to be THAT focused

Strength to you op, bravery and determination too.

Your husband just doesn't seem to understand how abusive your childhood was. His reaction doesn't make me think he even wants to understand either.

He knew your parents would react violently to your son and he left them to it. He's smacked your children before.

Really consider whether this man has your back and will be supportive of you in the way he should be.

Your mother hit your son, you hit her back.
You are both guilty and need to apologise for your actions.
After that go LC, ignore the money and keep your family safe from your parents.
Keep it simple, ask your dh to respect you and your decisions. If he won't decide if he is truly the person you want to be with.

OP didn't hit her mother "back", BlueEyedPersephone, she hit to stop her mother abusing her son - which is perfectly legitimate.

Your mother hit your son, you hit her back.
You are both guilty and need to apologise for your actions

Wtf.

A grown adult attacks your child and you defend them and you are supposed to apologise

Someone did attack my child and if a punch to the face hadn't stopped them I would have ripped their head off. No way was I going to apologise as my actions were self defence

Thank you all again. Shame my most popular post ever on MN wasn't about something nice like cake or puppies.
I'm not sure at all that DH understands what my childhood was like. He's already told me he thinks I was exaggerating. If you met my parents they are utterly charming, pillars of the church etc so I get how it seems highly unlikely. It's far more realistic to have me as the lunatic, unstable one, hurling unfounded accusations at these lovely normal people.
Not sure what I would be getting out of that scenario mind you but don't let a little critical thinking get in the way of a convenient narrative eh?
DH is still really off with me, at my reprehensible behaviour and refusal to acknowledge I was totally in the wrong.
I feel very lonely

Your parents are cunts and your husband is a cunt too.

It is funny that you mention the pillars of the church description.

Thread on here recently about if you were hit as a child and a number of the posters talked about their parents as being big church goers and the spare the rod spoil the child ethos.

The lonliest you can feel is when you are with someone who doesn't have your back and won't listen.

Your husband might hear what you say but he isn't listening. His hearing and his ability to keep his child safe is being drowned out by the mortgage size inheritance that will either come after you have paid off the mortgage or more than likely be nothing because your dsis has got the lot or there isn't anything left because they have spend the next 10 years doing round the world cruises or in care home fees

Would a frank discussion about divorce make your husband listen.

I don't know how else you move on from this

I am really shocked that your mother did this to your six year old child, my heart was in my mouth as I read your first post.

YOU WERE DEFENDING YOUR CHILD.

Any normal sound mother, would do the same. It must have been horrific to see your abusive parents doing the same thing to your precious child, as they have done to you as a child. Not only extremely triggering in every sense, but now your child has experienced first hand what you have been through.

Yes you might benefit from some gentle therapy that won't change who your parents are.

You are making the classic mistake of thinking somehow they will be different now they are grandparents. No, they are what they are. They are abusive bullies, and now it is your child's turn. You didn't have a fairytale childhood, and they are not magically going to turn into doting grandparents. Never ever, no matter how much you want to give your child lovely family connections, this happy family thing is never ever going to work in your case, unless you are prepared to let them hurt you and your child.

You may go through a grieving process for what you think your child has lost in not having very much/any contact with your dysfunctional family. You may at times wish for things to be different, for him to have GPs that love him and care for him but ultimately by shielding him from them you are giving him the best possible chance of being happy and well adjusted, and not continuing the cycle of abuse in your family.

The buck will need to stop with you.

So get some counselling, not for defending your child, but for the pain you have suffered a defenceless little girl.

Decide if these people are welcome in yours/your son's life.

Then you need to consider whether you have a marriage anymore, because quite frankly your husband's reaction is appalling. His child was assaulted by their grandparents, and he is taking their side??

It is astonishing that he feels that way given what happened to his child.

I would be distancing myself from him now, tell him the situation has made you reassess his ability to be a compassionate and loving husband and father. If he can not see the damage and pain your parents have caused you, if he can not recognise that his son is in similar danger and at risk from them, then he really isn't the person you thought he was. He needs to have your back in this.

Do you have some friends you can speak to about this? Or siblings? I am sorry you feel so lonely. I have had a similar life, and it is very difficult to deal with the fall out.

PS No amount of money or inheritance is worth this op.
Just so you know, I would go no contact. Your child will be rightly terrified of them now, and they have shown their true colours to everyone.

Please reassure your child that this is not his fault, he may blame himself and feel confused. Tell him no one should ever hit him, under any circumstances, you will do your level best to ensure it never every happens again. Keep your conversations with dh private. Your son must be very very upset. Gps are supposed to love you, look after you not hit and pinch you. Bloody disgusting.

I am sorry for him, and for you.

It need never happen again if you are strong.

Teddy your parents are truly awful hiding behind a veneer of respectability whilst being toxic and abusive

What about

"I'm sorry you were so brutal towards my child that I had to hit you to protect him from your cruelty."

You sound like my DM Op. She had a horrid upbringing with a very abusive father (won't use dear), who, like your parents, was a pillar of the community and no one believed he would do those things. I think the only reason my DF did is because he witnessed it. (DM's father died when she was 21 so she never had to struggle with going NC).

DM struggles with controlling her temper and reasonable responses to things, and it was hard when I was growing up because she never told me why she was like that and I blamed her behavior totally on her. I remember once when DGF smacked my DB on the bum when he was being bad, and while my DM didn't slap him, she did call him every name in the book and we didn't see them for awhile. Again I blamed DM, because at the time I didn't know where my DM was coming from.

After my DM told me what it was like for her growing up, my attitude towards her has changed completely. Everyday must have been a conscious choice not to act like her father when she got angry.

You need to get more counseling, and you need to go very low contact or NC with your parents.

DearTeddyRobinson

As your parents seem to be filling in every spot of the abuser card, be aware that they have probably already contacted various people back at home and put their version in place.

I am posting this to try and prepare you for the gauntlet that you are likely to have to run once you get back.

Please take this opportunity to go NC with them.

Your parents sound horrendous, I can't believe some people are suggesting you apologise to your mum. I don't think you were in the wrong here.

Your husband is an arsehole. An ocean-going, copper-bottomed arsehole.