My crappy childhood has just exploded

[DearTeddyRobinson]

I'm on hols with DH, 2 DCs, and my parents. 6yo DS is being a pain in the arse. DH and I are dealing with it as best we can but it's hard. He's clearly driving my parents mad and they are not hiding it. Lots of snide little comments to him etc. Anyway today there was some kind of contretemps at the pool - I wasn't there.
Next thing I know, DS is running into the house sobbing hysterically, with my mother hot on his heels, my father close behind. They were shouting the odds about him being a spoiled brat, I started to get angry with them and told them to stop bullying him. Yelling escalates, father tells me to leave and go home. While I'm yelling back at my father, I hear a loud slap and a scream. I run back in to where DS is and my mother is pinching his face and leaning down right into his face, hissing something at him. I shout at her to leave him alone, she doesn't and continues to berate him.
I slap her in the face. All hell breaks loose.

So while I was growing up my parents were violent disciplinarians. They would shout at and slap and beat me whenever I transgressed. They used to team up so one could hold me down while the other hit me.
On one occasion I was dragged naked from the shower (I was a teen at this point) and beaten on the bathroom floor.
I never wanted my kids to think this was ok and by and large DH and I agree. But I have serious anger issues and somehow still think that hitting someone is the ultimate resolution (not the kids though).
I think today all of this fucked up mess came boiling over. DH is disgusted with me for hitting a 72 year old woman - understandably. (But not with her for hitting a 6 year old who had a red hand print on his bum).
We are leaving tomorrow, 3 days early.
DH is barely speaking to me. The kids are confused. I am sick with god knows what - rage, guilt, whatever.
Where the fuck do we go from here?

Except I was answering another poster who was going "if it was me."
But your answer still fits into the beaten husband narrative boney when the OP's husband himself also advocates violence/thinks his child got what they deserved/calls them 'little shit' etc
He was present at the pool - OP confirmed that - but stayed with dc2 while all hell broke loose. And you think he should take the kids?
It sounds as though he could not deal with the kids alone hence the attitude: his holiday, he let the inlaws deal, passive absent parenting even though he was right next to them, resentment in aparthotel when having to parent his own kids.
If OP was erratic the whole time and beating her husband up on a regular basis, I promise I would agree with you, but I think we're both reading different threads.

@BoneyBackJefferson your reply means that you are happy to see your MIL physically attack your child but should your wife physically defend your child you would feel the need to divorce her and take the kids?

Is that what you meant to say or did you write it down wrong?

I don't believe in this 'oh she's an old lady' crap. If she is okay to chase after a child and physically attack him, she should be okay to take a slap in defence. Is your DH saying if an older man was trying to rape you or beat you up, that he wouldn't come to your rescue? Or is he of the opinion that women shouldn't be hit (which is sexist in itself)? I agree that slapping and hitting is wrong, but if someone is PHYSICALLY ATTACKING your child, a good decent parent worth their salt would defend their child, by any means possible. Not just the 'Mama bear' protectiveness, but ANY parent would rush to fight off someone attacking their child. You did the only thing you could do, to protect your CHILD! And I don't care a lick if it is an older woman doing it, if she is good enough to dish it out, she is good enough to take it. None of this 'oh she is an old lady' bs. Old age is not an excuse to treat children that way. If you give it out, even at old age, you should be big enough to take it back.

Your husband is a weak coward and knows nothing because plenty of people on here are siding with you, and you should show him this thread to say HE is the one so far out of line. Not you. He owes you an apology and should start showing respect for and defence of his wife and his children.

Read "toxic parents" by Susan forward. It will change ur life!!

@SaraNade showing him this thread will do nothing. He wants to believe he’s right and have some kind of leverage over the OP.

I’ll repeat what the OP, @DearTeddyRobinson said earlier about going to couple’s therapy before: they told the therapist about the instances regarding the OP lightly hitting her husband and the therapist sided with the OP. Therapists try to avoid taking sides and will try to work towards a general mutual resolution where both parties acknowledge their. To me, the fact that she took a side shows there’s something not quite in their relationship and needs to be taken as a red flag @DearTeddyRobinson.

Maybe this is why your husband is being aloof and feels he needs to score points. He may be trying to regain some ground after being told he was out of order by the therapist. Now he has all these other people (your mother, father, and sister) to collude with to say you were wrong. He's hit your son before as well. He’s willing to sacrifice his son to justify his own anger and general assholeness.

Op. Please look into family therapy for you and the children and your DH if he is.wikking and can afford it.

You are carrying trauma from your childhood and this will.tramsfer to your children unless you break the cycle. Your son was likely playing up.as he sensed the tension between you and your parents

It is normal for you to want things to be alright with your parents and to to overlook their past mistakes . This is ok for normal parenting fails which we all have but really not ok.for the kind of terrible abuse you describe .

I am sorry this has exploded but take it as a sign and warning that you need to address your trauma and help your children deal.with theirs ( which they definitely will.have) before they become adults

Was your DH there when DS was acting up? If he was why didn't he step in and defuse the situation before it got to the point your parents decided to replay your childhood? Why didn't he step in and discipline ds himself or remove both dc from the situation? I wonder if his anger at you is because he's realised he screwed up.

@DearTeddyRobinson

DH has now said he thinks I should try to reconcile with my parents as 'everyone else' thinks I'm in the wrong,

'Everyone else' = all the dysfunctional members of your family.

'Everyone else' has not suffered what you have suffered.

'Everyone else' is not married to your DH.

'Everyone else' did not have a child who was being attacked by her own abuser.

'Everyone else' and what they 'think' should not be as important to your husband as what you (the person he is married to) think.

It is not his job to tell you what you 'should' be doing with regards to your own abusive parents. You have autonomy and are free to make your own decisions about how you will behave and what you need.

Again, best of luck dealing with this shitstorm

Some good questions here. I have no idea why DH didn't try to de escalate the situation , by bringing DS inside to calm down. I'm pissed off about that. DS very very rarely misbehaves for me, he is always well behaved at school, with friends parents, with our various nannies & babysitters etc. This is not a troublesome child apart from the 'normal' 6 year old challenges.

Yes there is an inheritance at stake. Not a massive lottery win size, but a pay off the mortgage size. He DH has already mentioned that we 'were banking on that'.

Yes there is an inheritance at stake. Not a massive lottery win size, but a pay off the mortgage size. He DH has already mentioned that we 'were banking on that'.

He sounds like such a catch .

Well you know where you all stand, on bottom. Your H puts abusers and their money over protecting your family. He would rather you apologise to your abuser, your abuser hurts your child and childhood abuse is ignored. All for a payoff. What a wanker.

Sod the inheirtance. You and your family deserve better then this

StoppinBy
@BoneyBackJefferson your reply means that you are happy to see your MIL physically attack your child but should your wife physically defend your child you would feel the need to divorce her and take the kids?

Is that what you meant to say or did you write it down wrong?

How does removing the child from the situation and divorcing someone that was violent towards her DP. mean that I was siding with the GPs? I would do my damnedest to make sure they they never saw them again.

But then I remember that we are on MN and we should be coddling the OP.

All this for inheritance?

Your husband is a wanker motivated by money and no concern for you and the children.

Can I just ask, as an aside, about the fact you have actually hit your husband. MN is normally totally unforgiving re that. How do you feel and how does he feel about it?

RageAgainstTheVendingMachine

I think we're both reading different threads.

Again the response was about what I would do in the situation in reply to another poster.

As for this thread we clearly have different opinions on what is happening.

The OP needs help from a new therapist. That she took that its her DP's fault from her last one is a red flag.

Should she have defended her child, Yes, should she have done differently, given the GP's nature and past past probably not.

Does the DH sound like a fantastic bloke?
No he doesn't. and I admit that after the follow up response from the OP he is more of a hindrance than a help and I would be looking to separate/divorce.

But that leaves the OP.
In all honesty, I am very concerned about the kids, the OP has shown repeatedly that in various situations she reverts to hitting and hitting in anger.

If OP was erratic the whole time and beating her husband up on a regular basis,

Three times she has been violent towards her DH and yet some still don't see it as DV.

How do you think that the OP will react when the kids come teenagers and are lazy, selfish, start talking back and refusing to do as they are told?

Because at the moment all the signs lean towards violence.

show him this thread, he’ll see you’re not the only one at all!! Hope your sons ok.

@BoneyBackJefferson you sound hyperbolic and a bit unhinged in the manner you’re deliberately misinterpreting the OP’s situation.

You are carrying trauma from your childhood and this will.tramsfer to your children unless you break the cycle

Not in every case.

The only thing I take from my horrible childhood is I ask my self what would my mother do, then do the opposite.

Your parents are in their 70s, your mother is 72. If she is running after 6 year olds she won't be suddenly dropping dead.
They have probably got another 10-15 years before they show any signs of ill health and by that time your children will be gone.

Then if either gets sick there will be care home fees (dmil is in one with probably another 5 years to go . cost £1200 per WEEK)

How long will this inheritance last.

And who is to say they are going to leave you anything.
It sounds like it could all go to your sister.

Are you sure it is worthwhile sticking around, ruining your DC's childhood for at best a few pennies and at worse nothing

@JingsMahBucket

Its a called an opinion.
Its also called looking at the wider picture.

You and others are looking simply at one thing, whilst refusing to take in to account anything else that spoils your narrative.

I feel really sorry for the OP and empathise with her situation. But the fact is that many people that were abused as children become abusers themselves.

If the OP doesn't break the cycle (and she can only do this by looking at everything) then her children and this man (whether posters like him or not) will bear the brunt of the abuse.

Ah yes, inheritance that's the thing isn't it, pretty sure it's a big factor in emboldening these elders, they are confident that we need them more than they need us

My heart broke reading this.
Do not apologies and walk away from your parents. The inheritance is just not worth it.

I think you seriously need to think your marriage.
He has no right to minimalism the abuse you got from your parents.

Work on your anger issues and get therapy for your abusive childhood.

You can do this, you are strong, you are a survivor. Your are a mother, a kind, tolerant and loving mother. You need to find your inner self.

Stand up to your husband.

" DH has already mentioned that we 'were banking on that'."

What?

Why would anyone be stupid enough to do that?

An inheritance doesn't exist until someone is dead & it's still there & left to them!

Why would your husband think that they would leave you anything & if they did why would he want anything to do with it?

Is he also "banking on" an inheritance from his parents??

Blimey I think I'd be putting my childrens welfare before an inheritance

It might also be worth pointing out that, if your parents follow the classic abusers script, if there is any inheritance left it will probably be left to the “golden child” sister anyway.

They may skip you and leave something to their grandchild instead. Or the inheritance will go towards elder care in their later years. Either way you (and your children) are best off away from such behaviour.