My crappy childhood has just exploded

[DearTeddyRobinson]

I'm on hols with DH, 2 DCs, and my parents. 6yo DS is being a pain in the arse. DH and I are dealing with it as best we can but it's hard. He's clearly driving my parents mad and they are not hiding it. Lots of snide little comments to him etc. Anyway today there was some kind of contretemps at the pool - I wasn't there.
Next thing I know, DS is running into the house sobbing hysterically, with my mother hot on his heels, my father close behind. They were shouting the odds about him being a spoiled brat, I started to get angry with them and told them to stop bullying him. Yelling escalates, father tells me to leave and go home. While I'm yelling back at my father, I hear a loud slap and a scream. I run back in to where DS is and my mother is pinching his face and leaning down right into his face, hissing something at him. I shout at her to leave him alone, she doesn't and continues to berate him.
I slap her in the face. All hell breaks loose.

So while I was growing up my parents were violent disciplinarians. They would shout at and slap and beat me whenever I transgressed. They used to team up so one could hold me down while the other hit me.
On one occasion I was dragged naked from the shower (I was a teen at this point) and beaten on the bathroom floor.
I never wanted my kids to think this was ok and by and large DH and I agree. But I have serious anger issues and somehow still think that hitting someone is the ultimate resolution (not the kids though).
I think today all of this fucked up mess came boiling over. DH is disgusted with me for hitting a 72 year old woman - understandably. (But not with her for hitting a 6 year old who had a red hand print on his bum).
We are leaving tomorrow, 3 days early.
DH is barely speaking to me. The kids are confused. I am sick with god knows what - rage, guilt, whatever.
Where the fuck do we go from here?

Why does your husband care more about everyone else (who are these irrelevant people?) than his own wife? I hate him and don't even know him. Right now is pivotal for your future well being and that of your son.

I too don’t understand why your H is so intent on supporting your parents when he knows what they did to you as a child, and what they just did to his own child.

Anyone in their right mind would not want these people anywhere near their child.

His behaviour is so odd.

OP's husband witnessed his wife slapping someone's face. Most people's lives aren't like Eastenders. It would be shocking.

Seriously, I seem to be in a tiny minority here, but if you saw your spouse clap a member of their family in the face, would you not wonder who you'd married? I would.

He didn't see what happened beforehand, but he did see something that shocked him to the marrow.

This is why the two of them need to sit down with a counsellor of some sort, so they can both express what it was about this whole situation that freaked them out. The empathy has to go both ways. Then, maybe, the OP will be able to explore how to address what she went through, and her husband will be able to understand.

Oh OP what a mess I'm so sorry it all seems to be unravelling.

I can't wrap my head around your H feeling that it's ok for her to smack your DC hard enough to leave a mark, when according to him your actions are abhorrent. Even if he's been left reeling from witnessing you slap your mother, where is his protective instinct towards his son? Especially knowing the history.

Oh OP you seem to have been worn down by everyone into just accepting things and being in the wrong when your limit is reached and you lash out.

You need now really to look at damage control for yourself and for your children - the freedom programme is a good start

Your relationship with your DH is the most worrying there is definite undertones of an abusive relationship where because you have lashed out 3 times under immense pressure with him and now once with your mum it enables him to control you by making it your own fault.

He supports them and indeed does the same - you are mirroring your own childhood with your children. How often is DS1 the scapegoat and DS2 the golden child (like you and your sister)

Therapy and to be honest deciding if you should be in the relationship because he sounds awful

@DearTeddyRobinson No, I'm not a therapist. But I am in my 50s and sadly have deep and personal experience and understanding of toxic family relationships due to the behaviour of my own mother. We have not had a relationship for nearly 20 years as I needed to protect myself and my dds, which I have done successfully but not without absolute heartbreak. So it is a subject close to my heart and I've read and learned a lot about it over the past 20 years.

I'm very glad if anything I said was helpful to you

Perhaps you should tell your DH to go back and join them if he so wishes. But he needs to take a good hard look at himself if he thinks hurting and terrifying a small child is fine but your actions were abhorrent.

Such a shocking and traumatising thread.

OP, you sound very much like my DH.

I am so sorry for all that you have gone through.

You did the right thing and absolutely should go no contact though I appreciate its very difficult, accepting the people who you are meant to feel safe and loved and protected by have abused and manipulated you, it's a very hard thing to do especially as you say there are nice points, it's never 100% awful which messes you up even more.

I'm disgusted at your DH but how much does he really know?
Abusive people are often master manipulators and manage to convince everyone else around them they are fun, loving, peaceful etc etc.
If your DH genuinely knows the whole story, I'd consider leaving him tbh.

Indeed, why is the urge to score points over his wife stronger than the urge to protect his 6 year old child?

My guess is that your husband is profoundly uncomfortable with the lack of deference to your elders but doesn't have enough self-awareness or insight to describe exactly why, further that he instinctively identifies with a kind of folk moral system whereby your elders are always your betters (even if they're a pair of shitbags)
perhaps he sees himself as eventually occupying this position of untouchable elder person?

SaraClara Seriously, I seem to be in a tiny minority here, but if you saw your spouse clap a member of their family in the face, would you not wonder who you'd married? I would.

I would be initially shocked but having then heard why my partner had hit their mother, I’d be livid with the MIL, not my partner.

Seriously, I seem to be in a tiny minority here, but if you saw your spouse clap a member of their family in the face, would you not wonder who you'd married? I would.

Dh didn't see her slap her mother. He was out at the pool for all of it. He has accepted her mother's version of events which includes the conviction that not only should a 6 year old be slapped but any member of the family can do this - not just the parents. Slapping is fine apparently as long as the OP isn't the one doing it.

But if I saw dh slap, say, his father when his father was looming over one of our children having slapped and pinched that child, I would not wonder who I'd married - especially if I knew about how violent his dad was to him during his own childhood. If I saw him stand by and let it happen ... then I'd wonder who I'd married.

Good Lord your DH is a piece of work. I’d be planning for him to leave the family home on your return home. Do you have access to funds OP? Any support from friends?

You, and your children, deserve better OP.

Is there a large inheritance and your DH wants to fawn to them so you don’t get cut out of the will? I can’t understand why he isn’t backing you up.

If your mother has marked your child SS can intervene here because they'll see it as assault.

Be aware he could tell someone at school and SS be informed also

They'll want to know you can and will keep your children safe

I'd be going NC with your parents and I'd be talking to your husband with a councillor present of why this is all so fucked up. if he still can't see the why you did this you need to divorce him

Yes its shocking to slap or hit another adult but Im sorry but if someone hit, chased, pinch my kid your damn right they'd get slapped.

You mentioned that you think your husband was happy to let your parents chase ds and punish him because of his behaviour? Despite the fact he knows they were abusive? Does he not see how fucked up that is?

Your parents are nasty bastards- go nc.

Your dh is supporting those who abused you and pushing you into more of this toxic dynamic- ignore him, go home and see a therapist. No matter how shocked he may have been seeing his wife slap his MIL to a) encourage abusers to punish his child b) not stand up for said child c) minimise abuse and encourage you to bow and beg your abuser for forgiveness....he's very fucked up and not protecting his family.

Fuck me if i was your dh i would have been driving at you for cut toxic inlaw contact all along and would have torn strips off your parents for abusing my child then encouraged nc, glad you finally were out of the FOG. Why hasnt he? Fucked up.

He can disagree with the slap but still support his wife and child. He chooses to kiss arse the abusers instead.

And the GC can jog on. I'd block and go nc there too.

Get home, see your therapist.

I think in the situation described, your reaction of slapping your mother was reasonable.

Have you had some therapy?
Some professional help is needed

DH has now said he thinks I should try to reconcile with my parents as 'everyone else' thinks I'm in the wrong, there is no justification for what I did etc. I'm the only one who doesn't realise the enormity of what I did. He doesn't see it as defending DS, just awful behaviour on my part. DS was naughty and being appropriately chastised by my mother

I think your marriage is in trouble. If he thinks that you are in the wrong for defending your ds and slapping the perpetrator.

He is just trying to put you back in the box labeled Scapegoat.

I would be making sure that your ds's are never in his company unsupervised be sounds as dangerous as your parents

Your husband is wrong. Pinching is not a punishment. My blood would have run cold if I’d seen another adult do that to my child.

I wonder whether your DH actually believes you about the abuse you suffered at the hands of your parents. Maybe he thinks that you're exaggerating. I just can't see why he would be on their side otherwise.

LizzieSiddal

I would be initially shocked but having then heard why my partner had hit their mother, I’d be livid with the MIL, not my partner.

If this were me (and taking the background in to account) I would be taking the child home, and divorcing the OP making damn sure that I got the kids.

The DH is not handling this well, but if the OP's parents are as outwardly charming as most are it is easy to see how he would be fooled.

@BoneyBackJefferson

Except the DH thinks it was ok for his Mil to hit the six year old

@Celticrose

Except I was answering another poster who was going "if it was me."

There is something seriously wrong with your H.

Your relationship with your DH is the most worrying there is definite undertones of an abusive relationship where because you have lashed out 3 times under immense pressure with him and now once with your mum it enables him to control you by making it your own fault

I agree with Quartz.