My crappy childhood has just exploded

[DearTeddyRobinson]

I'm on hols with DH, 2 DCs, and my parents. 6yo DS is being a pain in the arse. DH and I are dealing with it as best we can but it's hard. He's clearly driving my parents mad and they are not hiding it. Lots of snide little comments to him etc. Anyway today there was some kind of contretemps at the pool - I wasn't there.
Next thing I know, DS is running into the house sobbing hysterically, with my mother hot on his heels, my father close behind. They were shouting the odds about him being a spoiled brat, I started to get angry with them and told them to stop bullying him. Yelling escalates, father tells me to leave and go home. While I'm yelling back at my father, I hear a loud slap and a scream. I run back in to where DS is and my mother is pinching his face and leaning down right into his face, hissing something at him. I shout at her to leave him alone, she doesn't and continues to berate him.
I slap her in the face. All hell breaks loose.

So while I was growing up my parents were violent disciplinarians. They would shout at and slap and beat me whenever I transgressed. They used to team up so one could hold me down while the other hit me.
On one occasion I was dragged naked from the shower (I was a teen at this point) and beaten on the bathroom floor.
I never wanted my kids to think this was ok and by and large DH and I agree. But I have serious anger issues and somehow still think that hitting someone is the ultimate resolution (not the kids though).
I think today all of this fucked up mess came boiling over. DH is disgusted with me for hitting a 72 year old woman - understandably. (But not with her for hitting a 6 year old who had a red hand print on his bum).
We are leaving tomorrow, 3 days early.
DH is barely speaking to me. The kids are confused. I am sick with god knows what - rage, guilt, whatever.
Where the fuck do we go from here?

This must be so much to take in op.

Ignore all the posters asking why you went on holiday with your parents. They don't have the brain cells to think why you did.

Your first priority is to your son. Check he's not physically hurt. Talk to him about how what his grandparents did was wrong and check he knows he is safe and will never be left alone with them again.

Next you need a serious talk with your husband as to why he's pissed off with you for smacking your mother but not with her for hurting his son.

And ffs shock for your husband to see you hit your mum? Bloody hell.

"If my mother had attacked my child i'd have done anything to get her off and I wouldn't apologise afterwards."

I agree.

Perhaps if Op had hurt her mum in trying to pull her off her son that would be OK?

OP, it may be worth contacting a good hypnotherapist - regression therapy may really help 'desensitise' you to what happened in your childhood.

She didn't lose it

She doesn't need to work out why she slapped her mother

She saw and heard her child being attacked and acted in a proportionate way to stop the attack.

She has prior experience of the lengths the attackers were willing to go to.

The attacker could have stopped attacking before slapping the child, by realising it was escalating and stopping herself like any functional adult should do. She could have stopped when the child's mother told her to; she didn't. She escalated it with a slap so hard it was heard loudly and left a big red welt. She could have stopped then of her own accord; , she didn't. She could have stopped when the child's mother yet again told her to stop, more forcefully this time. She chose not to. She chose to continue the verbal abuse and attack by pinching the child. The child's mother escalated defence because the first twice verbal non-violent attempts hadn't worked and her child was still being attacked. She took one single physical action which hurt but didn't injure the attacker, and caused the attack to stop. And then she stopped.

The attacker had plenty of opportunity to avoid physical defense/retaliation. They chose to continue to attack.

It was 100% a proportionate response.

The attacker is only butthurt because the child she used to abuse grew up and stood up against her and suddenly the physical power she had over the first (and second) child is gone.

Boo fucking hoo for the attacker.

What would happen if the roles were reversed. Your hubby saw your mum and dad chasing your child verbally abusing him. He discovered you Mum physically abusing him and wouldn’t stop when asked?

Please taken yours and your son's passports (and other children if applicable), your purse and it doesn't matter what else. Get on the first flight you can back home, without husband or parents. If they try to interfere I'd scream blue murder like a banshee.

@coffee I have every sympathy with the OP, however she did not act proportionately to her mother. That is very, very important for her child to learn. Slapping back when you are an adult to another adult is not self defence. If DS had slapped back that would have been.

If DS had slapped back that would have been.

he is 6 - not 16. He is a small child who had just been hit. Do you really think it was on him to hit his grandmother. Would you really have stopped to think "now what is proportionate here" if you saw an adult hit, pinch and shout at your small child? After seeing her chase after him to do just that? After shouting at her to stop twice and her ignoring that? Knowing from bitter experience that she is capable of real violence to a child? Really? I think you'd have failed your child in that case.

OP, in your shoes I'd have slapped my mother.

It's a good thing that you aren't comfortable with having done so, but seriously, it's very far from inexcusable. Unlike your husband disbelieving your account of your abuse.

Get your parents out of your life, get counselling, and look hard at your marriage, and whether it nourishes you.

@Longlongsummer

I have every sympathy with the OP, however she did not act proportionately to her mother. That is very, very important for her child to learn. Slapping back when you are an adult to another adult is not self defence. If DS had slapped back that would have been.

Are you trying me on a technicality if I said self defense (I can't see where) instead of defense of her child?

Do you expect a 6 year old child to have the knowledge and strength to be able to defend themself from a physical attack?

Do you think it is unreasonable for a mother to defend her son from attack?

Apologies as I haven’t RTFT.

My mother was abusive. I married someone who took over the abuse where she left off. I didn’t see it at first, but my ExH was an abusive narcissist just as my mother is. The two of them have a lot of contact since I split with ExH, I have very little contact with her.

Does your DH have any abusive traits/red flags? I wonder, because of his response that was more supportive of your DM than you.

Anyway, I may be way off track, but wanted to write it anyway.

I'm on your side, if someone did that to my child I'd have slapped them silly, I'd have only stopped when exhaustion set in. I'm furious on your behalf, fuck that shit about not hitting, she assaulted your son and probably terrified him with whatever she was was hissing at him. Outrageous, your H needs telling too, I'd let him know in no uncertain terms that anyone putting their hands on your child is in for a fucking. Good job you've got some cojones OP. I would not apologise to any of them

I think defending your ds like that was completely understandable.

Is a vis dh, I think you have to come clean. He thinks the childhood abuse you suffered wasn't "that bad" (eg, I am appalled at what you have said about the leather gloves and the switch from the hedge which you have to choose yourself ) - does he actually know that? How would he feel if he found your mum had done that to ds?

Or is it because when you told him of these things you were calm and collected, so he didn't see what an emotional burden you ar carrying? Does he need you to become a lump of hysterical weeping trauma for him to really get it?

You carry that stuff all your life, just below the surface, and it's always there; I think he ought to be breathless with awe that you have it so well controlled.

However, you are right, you need more counselling of a different nature than that which you had before. You need to sort the early trauma. Well done for facing it head on and taking action immediately. You are very strong. You will deal with it, you will come out the other side with better strategies and greater wisdom. I hope your dh is able to keep up with you.

Best of luck.

OP, you just described my worst nightmare, the thing I was most scared of throughout my DD’s childhood.
My mum and dad used to beat me to a pulp. Regularly.
I went LC with them for many many years. I then had DD and we visited them once a year, for a week.
My DD does not speak my language, my parents don’t speak English. I didn’t teach DD for several reason, the main one being I didn’t want them to have direct contact /communication with DD.
Because I was scared they would do something like that to DD, slap her, belittle her etc.

I understand you slapping her. More than you know.

Be kind to yourself.

I've thought about this and although I hold her in utter contempt the thought of physically assaulting my mother just feels unsatisfying, it would be a whole lot of stress and hassle and then I'd have lowered myself on her account, it's the old cliche... 'she's not worth it'

No, the only satisfying thing is to behave as if she no longer exists, that's the only thing that really feels adequate.

Had I encountered her attacking my small child I think grabbing by the back of the neck and roughly yanking her away may have felt pleasing though:)

I understand you slapping her. More than you know

Yes. It's only on Mumsnet that people would have a problem with someone slapping their abuser who is attacking their child.

Whatever you decide about your contact with your parents, suggest minimal contact for your DC with them, and no unsupervised contact.

DH is another problem.

I think I'd tell them 'dont come near me unless you want some more' or maybe 'make my day punk'?

why isn't he raging that his 6yr old was chased by 2 adults as they were so determined to bully/assault him? This with bells on. Your mother didn't just smack him on the bum it was more than that and a lot more abusive and that's why you smacked her to get her to leave your son alone not because she's smacked his bum. Pinching his face and not letting go?! And actually isn't this against the law now in parts of the UK?

it feels like the 'dear' husband smelled blood and couldnt resist joining in with the attack on his wife, so aroused was he by this that his protective instincts towards his own child were over ridden
he's looking as predatory as the bastard parents

I think there are a lot of posters who have a degree in what people should do in certain situations because they have read it in a book and are trying to manipulate what they are reading into set texts. They have have no experience and no imagination of what it would be like when you are in the middle of everything

Personally it only took one punch to knock ds's attacker off him but if this girl hadn't let go I know I would have ripped her head off to stop her.

No way was I going to apologise for protecting my ds.

In someways DearTeddyRobinson
Whilst you take part in anger management and counselling atm I bet if you cut out your parents a lot of that anger will disappear.

Also can I ask why your dh stood by passively whilst his ds was being attacked?

I know you are not looking at your dh for creating a lot of your anger but some of his feelings about you needing to let go of what your parents did because it was a long time ago and siding with your parents and leaving it up to you to stop your ds being attacked I would also think you need to work through if your marriage is going to survive

How does your dp feel about your parents attacking your ds or does he think yesterday is a long time ago and ds should just forget it.

Just want to say I support you OP and I don’t think you should for one moment feel guilt for slapping your abuser - who tormented you for your entire childhood - when you witnessed her doing the same to your child.

You don’t need to apologise to anyone and your H is bad news.

for all you’ve been through.

when you witnessed her doing the same to your child
what could be more triggering than this!!

Hope you’re ok OP

Just wanted to pick up on one more thing you said:
I guess I always want parental approval which is pathetic, I'm 44!

In the circumstances of your childhood, having “parental approval” was literally a survival instinct. Parental approval was the difference between safety and danger.

You can’t just shake that sort of thing off. It’s completely understandable why you still feel that drive.

Don’t beat yourself up for the decisions you’ve made. But also make better ones