Expectations of men as a modern woman dating...is this unreasonable?

[Turtleneckjumpers]

I'm single. I have a decent job which allowed me to buy a house in my late twenties (by no means a mansion, worth circa 220 in 2015).

I care about a nice home and want to see a bit of the world. I'm not materialistic in the sense of buying designer clothes etc (I'm a Primark person mostly!). But money bothers me. It is important to me because it is a safety net in many ways. So I work hard and hope to always be able to support myself.

Here's the question. I date. So many men have either not bought a house (I do understand this isn't easy, but by age 38 I question this!!) or in an average job earning less than I am - significantly.

I've met a lovely man, 38, good fun. But in a recent conversation he voluntarily disclosed what he earns (45k) and said he has a good bonus and car and he's happy with that. I didn't say this but i was thinking really?! Are you just going to think ok I'm happy with that?!

I've been thinking about how awful this probably makes me and how it is probably why i have been single for a few years now. Also people into their jobs are often (not always i know) not the best partners. But i can't help being bothered by this. I want someone who wants to provide and is ambitious. Am I attracted to the wrong things here or is this reasonable?

Don't you meet men earning a similar amount to you and with a similar outlook at work? If money is so crucial to you, you're high-earning, good looking etc, surely you should be fighting men off with a stick.

My advice would be, give this chap a try, if you like him in other ways. If his lack of ambition and relative poverty still bothers you, and his personal qualities don't outweigh that, throw him back and move on.

Did you say you put your JOB on your dating profile? Who does that?

I think it would be ok if he didn’t earn as much but was ambitious. But what does that look like at that age? It may be a bit fanciful if it’s constant chasing some ambition that never materialises. Ie an actor who constantly works in Starbucks?!

Raven that doesn’t really answer the question...wanting money for a comfortable life isn’t materialistic to me. Is it to you? Perhaps my definition of materialistic is way off.

I think it would be ok if he didn’t earn as much but was ambitious

Can you define what you mean by 'ambitious'? You seem to equate it to earning, or wanting to earn lots of money, but others have different ambitions. Yet you yourself intend to give up work and be kept by a man?

But what does that look like at that age?

Eh? What 'age'?

is it materialistic to want to have a comfortable lifestyle with minimal money worries?

Yes, it is. Non-materialistic people don't even wonder what their date might be earning or have children without a spreadsheet. They just work things out as they go along.

You just need to own your materialism.

Maybe you should just date .
Keep your house , money, lifestyle.

What do you want?

I didn’t think I was materialistic or money focused. I just wanted someone who had a similar outlook to me as to what is comfortable lifestyle wise.

Obviously there’s some different views on that here so I probably need to adjust my outlook. I think also mixing mostly with people at work gives a narrow perception of ‘normal’ finances

I don't think I agree with the people saying only sexist men who want 20 year old trophy wives would be willing to support a stay at home mother. I know plenty of successful career women who've married men who are equally as successful and then either slowed down or stopped working altogether after children. But because these men can singlehandedly afford to provide a high standard of living for their family, your career success probably won't be what attracts them to you. Don't make the mistake of thinking that just because you think ambition and career success is the most important trait in a partner, men will feel the same. You need to have other things going for you and other attractive qualities and yes, physical attractiveness is important. And I don't think someone in their 20s can be considered 'too old' either.

I'm finding the assumption, on this thread, that all high earning and ambition men want a 'young and beautiful trophy wife' quite depressing. I'm sure there are plenty of high earning men who want equally successful wIves.

Besides OP is young and for all we know drop dead gorgeous

is it materialistic to want to have a comfortable lifestyle with minimal money worries?
It depends on what your idea of comfortable is surely.

If having a comfortable lifestyle means expecting my partner to earn at more than £45,000 and needs to be more than mine (so household income of £100,000) then I would say that is materialistic.
It's up there with MNers who think they couldn't possibly raise a child on £60,000 because how would they pay the school fees?

What's a comfortable life? Mine is comfortable. I live in a tiny rented flat (like most people in this country) and go on holiday a few times a year, eat well, go out quite a lot, have no car and have decent pension plans. Nice. Obviously doesn't compare with your idea of a comfortable life

I don't think there's anything wrong with people being materialistic, as long as it's not e.g. at others' expense or something obviously. I love a nice story about someone doing well for themselves. But I'd be uncomfortable with a partner choosing me based on my earnings.

Do you want to date someone earning more than you because you think you should be supported by him if you marry and have children?
That's quite dangerous honestly - so many things can go wrong -redundancy, illness, divorce - never be reliant on a man is my advice!

She take my money when I'm in need
Yeah, she's a triflin' friend indeed
Oh, she's a gold digger
Way over town, that digs on me

I think viewing a £30k lifestyle as beneath you is very materialistic, yes. What specifically is a "comfortable" lifestyle for you?

As a 42 year old care assistant ive got no chance of ending up with a good looking high earning ambitious man then have I....
but I secretly have a crush on a good looking single anaesthetist at work.

We were discussing books in the anaesthetic room & he seemed shocked to discover that I actually do read difficult books!

I guess I should just aim a little lower.

I do understand OP wanting to only date men who own their own places as she's worked hard for her own property & certain men can be quite ruthless... or have potential to turn into cocklodgers if you're not careful.

Attitude to money is important - eg budgeting, spending priorities, saving. If you would like children and how you feel about education (state, private, move house for good catchment?).

But being happy with 45k in itself is not necessarily bad - maybe he doesn’t see the point in settling somewhere and then having to move if he met someone. Maybe he would do lots of diy, support you in your career so u can advance?

I think dumping someone purely because their salary isn't as good as yours is materialistic. However it would bother me that a man of that age has never had the responsibility of a mortgage, appears to have no savings/equity. does he intend to live off yours? It is important to think about how you will fund yourself if you have children. The biggest career decision a woman makes is who she marries. It's all very well saying a woman can have/do it all but she needs a husband who is willing and able to support that lifestyle choice, whatever it may be. It would also bother me that he has no further aspirations or ambitions.

The thing is OP, if you have a joint income of say 95k and you gave up work, then yes it can be tight on 45k depending where you live and lifestyle, however to keep that lifestyle there really aren’t too many men on 95k single, available, and not complete arses because the few men I know who are decent blokes , high earning and driven and not arses are all married or partnered up and also very often do expect the wife to work too, even if part time

I don’t know anyone my age on less than 35k and most are on a lot more. So someone at 38 on 45k suggests they’re not that bothered about progression.

I say again, you need to get out more. Or at least take a realistic look around you.

I'm a senior manager, and have been for many years. I'm 30+ yrs into my career, but don't earn £45K. I really, really, really am not alone. I work with all sorts of driven, passionate people - not just doing my job, but all sorts of jobs I work alongside, my role means I come into contact with all sorts of professional people who have a lot of drive, determination, skill, and all sorts of qualities like kindness and compassion, none of whom are ever going to earn £45K.
In one sentence you say it isn't the money, but in the next you say you can't grasp how someone in their mid-late 30s isn't earning more than £45K.
You are ruling out the overwhelming majority of the population if you have an earning criteria.
I can sort of understand why it might be a bit more important if you were in an insecure position financially yourself, but whilst you are so comfortably off, it just seems like such an odd limit to put on your choice of partner, when there are so many FAR more important things to make up your own rules about.

The sort of man you're after, about 40, very ambitious, well above average income, confident, and reasonably attractive too - what do you have to offer him? Why shouldn't he go for a younger woman, given that he can?

a lot of successful men want an equal terms partner.

we aren't talking super wealthy, we are talking about the upper end of a normal person who is a higher earner.

They aren't quite that rich on 120k income 800k home, 50k kitchen reno, 20k bathroom refit, pay for a nice louis vuitton bag, a mercedes GLA, 150 pcm gym membership for Rachel in accounts on 24k

‘I don’t know anyone my age on less than 35k and most are on a lot more. So someone at 38 on 45k suggests they’re not that bothered about progression’

Wow I think you could probably do with opening your eyes!
Senior managers around here in high profile companies don’t earn 45k.
I went to university, have a degree, am a professional and have a really high profile job and I don’t earn 35k. And My wage is a standard wage for my job right across the country aside from the London living allowance.

Plus I couldn’t give two shits about my husband’s career progression as long as he’s happy, thoughtful, kind, shares the chores and gives me good orgasms.

One thing I would say reading all these posts... Who do you expect financially successful men are married to? Some people imagine god knows what... Having money doesn't make them 1 type of person - they do marry all sorts of women because they're all sorts of guys!

One minute the view is a man on a decent salary will only want a trophy wife, the next it’s that they will want the women to be earning like they are and don’t want to be spending their money funding someone’s lifestyle!

I think I see money and ambition as GENERALLY one and the same. Because one usually follows the other. Given I seem to be living in a world where under 50k is definitely not seen a fortune, I can certainly say that none of the men have trophy wives and nearly all of them who are married prefer to be in work than looking after their kids. But as people have pointed out, apparently that’s not reality in general life. It’s news to me I have to say.