Expectations of men as a modern woman dating...is this unreasonable?

[Turtleneckjumpers]

I'm single. I have a decent job which allowed me to buy a house in my late twenties (by no means a mansion, worth circa 220 in 2015).

I care about a nice home and want to see a bit of the world. I'm not materialistic in the sense of buying designer clothes etc (I'm a Primark person mostly!). But money bothers me. It is important to me because it is a safety net in many ways. So I work hard and hope to always be able to support myself.

Here's the question. I date. So many men have either not bought a house (I do understand this isn't easy, but by age 38 I question this!!) or in an average job earning less than I am - significantly.

I've met a lovely man, 38, good fun. But in a recent conversation he voluntarily disclosed what he earns (45k) and said he has a good bonus and car and he's happy with that. I didn't say this but i was thinking really?! Are you just going to think ok I'm happy with that?!

I've been thinking about how awful this probably makes me and how it is probably why i have been single for a few years now. Also people into their jobs are often (not always i know) not the best partners. But i can't help being bothered by this. I want someone who wants to provide and is ambitious. Am I attracted to the wrong things here or is this reasonable?

Biological clock. It's an inconvient truth. I don't mean to be cruel and it wasn't meant as an insult.

Do trolls have biological clocks?

I am also not saying that you haven't had offers, or that you arent a catch. I'm just saying that there is a very limited number of people who are going to provide (not just in a money way) everything you want.

Well I suppose that’s another thing that’s all relative. No women I work with (in and outside my organisation) have had children by my age.

I do see your point though and clearly the pool is smaller if I have any criteria at all and especially this one it seems

The point was that I want to look after my children. Men in highly paid jobs are typically ok with that.

To be fair I find that traditional set up to be the case in most marriages with a high earner that I know.

But I really don’t think 100k could ever fund the lifestyle. I’d say 200k would be tight with 2 kids unless you’re in an area with particularly low school fees/low cost housing.

I read bits of the thread to my high earning DH. (Somewhat surprisingly) he wasn’t appalled by the attitude at all. But he did ask, OP, if you’ve got a good idea of what else you look for in a man and what are you prepared to compromise on? Good relationships are all about compromise...

At 38 to just shut down any step up is strange

No, it is not.

But I really don’t think 100k could ever fund the lifestyle. I’d say 200k would be tight with 2 kids unless you’re in an area with particularly low school fees/low cost housing.

I agree with this, particularly in London. The OP isn't on anywhere near the type of salary required to fund the lifestyle she wants for her and her children so it's a bit rich to call people who earn just a bit less than her unambitious.

But he did ask, OP, if you’ve got a good idea of what else you look for in a man and what are you prepared to compromise on? Good relationships are all about compromise...

I also agree with this. The fact that you haven't found anyone suitable despite being surrounded by nothing but high earners suggests that your expectations may be a bit high.

Interesting thread. Having spent my early 30s single and heavily dating, my experience was that unsurprisingly wealthy men were in high demand. I was clearly in competition with women much younger than me. Women look for money, men look for youth. As awful as it sounds it appeared to be true.

I met someone fantastic luckily for me, he earns around half what I do but I couldn’t care less. I’ve never been happier.

I am not saying that you should have no criteria. I wouldn't recommend anyone have no standards when looking for a partner.

But it might come down to marrying a wealthy man who you don't fall madly in love with, but can manage to love over time, or a lower earner (not that low, maybe what you earn) who you do have more of a spark with.

That is what I mean by prioritising.

OP can I ask you what is the purpose of continuously trying to climb the career ladder? On a philosophical point, inguess I'm trying to ascertain when does it become a pointless task? What does one (anyone) hope to achieve by it? Is it purely social standing? Or does it somehow 'prove' how intelligent/resourceful/high-flying someone is?

At one point does one become satisfied? Genuine question, I'm intrigued to know.

The reason I ask is because if the offer of promotion with greater responsibility came up for me, I would seriously consider it. But I see it as a temporary stepping stone to becoming financially independent I.e. not having to rely on work at all in the future to sustain my lifestyle. But then I am frugal as anything, I live well within my means and the things I want in life are actually pretty simple. But hard to sustain on my meagre 18k per annum

My DH earns SIGNIFICANTLY less than me. I earn almost double your 45k obsession and I out earn DH by nearly 3 times. However, he is amazing as a husband and a father, his workplace is flexible which counts for a lot when you have kids. He's absolutely brilliant at DIY / building work so we never have to pay anyone to do work for us which means we've made money On houses easily. He doesn't drink excessively, buy designer brands, etc he's sensible with money and you know what I wouldn't charge him for the world even if he did earn a bit more it wouldn't make a jot of difference. So yes I think you are being unreasonable. Plus if you ever decide to have kids there might be a period of time when you earn less so he would earn more than you and you'd be happy then?

The reason I do it is because I love the job so I always want to be better at it. I miss it when I am on holiday (and I love my holidays!). And I have no problem with working outside working hours if needed. I genuinely enjoy it so for me it is a strange concept for someone to put their career on hold or just think their peak is at 38.

But some people dont place as great a value on their career. Its great you enjoy it so much that it feels natural for you to want to progress as far as you can go. But for some people they get as far as they can go (as many teachers have commented on this thread) and cant go any further without drastically changing direction. So if they enjoy what they so why would they change it? I'm sure if you got to the top of your field and there was nowhere else to progress to, you'd stay there in that role purely out of enjoyment. That's great. But not everyone else does that.

For me, progress (I'm only part time at the mo) is more about making enough earnings in my life to do the thing I would really enjoy. That's not to say I don't enjoy my job, i really do. But the prospect of only work giving me satisfaction more than anything else is a depressing thought indeed.

I think you're misunderstanding his perspective massively. Maybe he feels exactly as you've just described and currently has no desire to move on or progress - as often promotions mean a change in roles and responsibilities.

I don’t think financial parity matters at all. I just wanted a partner that I love, who loves me back, whose company I enjoy and who shares my values. That is enough for me. I am financially independent.

The reason I do it is because I love the job so I always want to be better at it. I miss it when I am on holiday (and I love my holidays!).

In this lovely job of yours (I don't think you've said what it is yet), as you rise through the ranks do people still do the same work in the same hours, just for more pay?

Because in many careers, once you get to a certain level, every promotion inevitably removes you further from the work you love - into management, mostly - so the motivation does become purely financial.

*@Turtleneckjumpers
If you were to get with a £50k+ ambitious man, you might have to accept that family may have lower priority to him than work... eg maybe if you were having problems in your pregnancy/post-partum, he would find it harder to take time off. He may be on business trips for your kids’ milestones...

Some people are ok with this and see it as a trade off for a comfortable life. Maybe they have extended family who can give support. But do bear this in mind.

Yes and I accept that. I know that would be hard but I do accept it and in many ways I think I even expect that.

I think that you may "expect" that is either a really sad statement or one that throws a different light on things.
Sad insofar as setting your relationship expectations that a man doesn't have to contribute to practical caring aspects of parenthood.

Or enlightening insofar as you are driven to be a parent to the extent that you almost see the relationship with the putative father as almost transactional - he continues on career trajectory, you provide heir(s), secure his social standing and meet your maternal aspirations and he recompensed you accordingly.

Lmao keep your story straight OP. It can't be that strange a concept for someone to put their career on hold if you want to do that with yours while you're a SAHP!

The strangest thing is that you don't seem to want to feel any kind of emotional connection with a person. Does that not strike you as bizarre OP?

And once children come along you may wish to return to work. Also, and I hope this is not the case but it is something to consider, what would happen to your relationship if you failed to have children for whatever reason? It seems like you aren't looking for a soulmate for whom you can share life with. Just how it appears, sorry.

But in previous posts OP said that higher earners (that you know) don't work excessive hours and have a great work/life balance, now you are saying that you would expect a high earning partner to prioritise work over family and not be around that much???????

The OP has contradicted herself so much in this thread.

OP sounds rather confused and sheltered

To be fair to the OP, she's been given a hard time for failing to accept other people value different things to her so I am inclined to respect her choices even though they are alien to me. Your passion for your job is quite striking though OP. Are you absolutely sure about this SAHM thing? Child rearing is fulfilling on a macro scale bit day to day can be wearing. You spend as much time dogsbodying about fetching things and clearing up after them as you do nurturing and moulding a young mind. Some kind of balance where you keep your career going might work well for you, and enable you to ease up on your "lifestyle" criterion a bit.

I genuinely enjoy it so for me it is a strange concept for someone to put their career on hold or just think their peak is at 38.

OP can only see her viewpoint and finds others alien. Enough said.