Expectations of men as a modern woman dating...is this unreasonable?

[Turtleneckjumpers]

I'm single. I have a decent job which allowed me to buy a house in my late twenties (by no means a mansion, worth circa 220 in 2015).

I care about a nice home and want to see a bit of the world. I'm not materialistic in the sense of buying designer clothes etc (I'm a Primark person mostly!). But money bothers me. It is important to me because it is a safety net in many ways. So I work hard and hope to always be able to support myself.

Here's the question. I date. So many men have either not bought a house (I do understand this isn't easy, but by age 38 I question this!!) or in an average job earning less than I am - significantly.

I've met a lovely man, 38, good fun. But in a recent conversation he voluntarily disclosed what he earns (45k) and said he has a good bonus and car and he's happy with that. I didn't say this but i was thinking really?! Are you just going to think ok I'm happy with that?!

I've been thinking about how awful this probably makes me and how it is probably why i have been single for a few years now. Also people into their jobs are often (not always i know) not the best partners. But i can't help being bothered by this. I want someone who wants to provide and is ambitious. Am I attracted to the wrong things here or is this reasonable?

No you can't police every person on the internet but this is a forum where someone has asked for an opinion.

She didn’t ask for her head to be kicked in though.

If you think she’s a troll then report and don’t respond.

She's really not getting that much of a hard time!

Oh come on!

She didn’t ask for her head to be kicked in though.

Oh, I dunno. She did say from the off I've been thinking about how awful this probably makes me and how it is probably why i have been single for a few years now. People have just backed her up on her thinking how awful it makes her, and almost every utterance has merely solidified public opinion.

For a thread that has been reported, I'm amazed MNHQ haven't at least come on thread to say "we've looked into this thread and it appears to be above board" which is the usual response.

How is thinking a personal trait is not a good one an invitation for a kicking? Unless you’re on MN.

It’s actually quite sad that someone is unable to post what appears to be a controversial view, without it being reported.

Jeez. The topic has become a wider discussion and this is a discussion board. Stop being so precious!!

What’s funny is that many posts are saying I should accept his views.

Errrr... ok. Then you accept mine?

Tatiana Most posters, if they genuinely want a discussion - and she's just stated this is a discussion on a discussion board - will answer questions, not avoid them, which the OP has repeatedly failed to do throughout the thread. You can discuss if all you do is spout forth. People might be less hard on the OP if she engaged properly.

My question, for example, as to whether she was home schooled or not. Because if she attended school, she will have seen dinner ladies at lunchtime, who are clearly part time workers. Did she really believe they earned 65K? Caretakers, cleaners? She can't possibly have done. No one is so totally sheltered from the real world.

I think lots of people have actually said it's find to have different values .....if you don't find his outlook on life attractive then that's fine! Everyone is different and will value different things. It's okay not to find him attractive but it's not really okay to call him lazy and unambitious when that's not necessarily true.

People have just pointed out that you make a lot of incorrect assumptions and have used those assumptions to pass judgement.

But then if you genuinely wanted a discussion, you wouldn’t post personal attacks like:

A great guy deserves better than the OP

People seem to think posters are here for their own amusement, and they have the right to demand answers to questions. They’re just bored is all.

To Shatner ^^

Tatiana Oh please. If a bloke was on here spouting the same things, people would have said FAR worse than that. I see far worse on here every single day about men that are being discussed on threads.

What’s funny is that many posts are saying I should accept his views.

Errrr... ok. Then you accept mine?

I think the difference is that his 'view' is simply that he's happy and satisfied with his life as it is. Whereas your view is that people who have different priorities to yours are lazy and unambitious. Your admission that you didn't know the average income or that most people will never earn 60k suggests that your view isn't particularly considered. Can you really not see why your view hasn't been received well?

And I'm saying this as someone who completely understands why you'd want to stay at home for a few years and why you'd want a partner who could facilitate this.

Well assuming for a moment that the OP is genuine and in good faith, she appears to have realised on the thread that she definitely wants to rule this bloke out and still wishes to carry on looking for someone who earns more than 45k plus generous bonus package, wishes to earn more, owns their own home and is happy to be the sole earner while she is a SAHP.

And that's... fine, isn't it? People are allowed to have whatever criteria they want for a partner even if they evidently have very little understanding of how the world works. As she is 33 and wants children, she can pursue this for a few more years tops. Either she will get what she wants during this time or, if there's no joy, she compromises on the partner, on the babies or goes it alone. And that's also fine.

I don't think it matters much if someone is 'awful' or not for having these feelings, because nobody is entitled to be partnered with the OP, and she will bear the consequences herself if she has held out for something unrealistic.

As Benes said I don’t think anyone has said you’re not entitled to your view or that you should date men whose values don’t match yours. If you only want to date men who prioritise earning high salaries in certain careers and buying houses that’s fine, you do you! What we all have a problem is is that your views are incredibly ill-informed and do not come with any modicum of awareness, and appear to be dripping with contempt with anyone offering a counter view. THAT’S the problem, not your views themselves or the fact you hold them

Because I wasn’t aware that a lot of people don’t earn 60k. Fine, I accept that.I don’t accept that everyone can earn that if they want to. The exception of course is a child raised in a family where they have had zero opportunities. This is not the case for this man.

Blimey. DH and I are fairly bright-grammar private school educated, great A levels, degrees, Masters and post grad qualifications. Neither of us earn £60k. DH is not far off, I’m top of the upper teaching pay scale at £39k.

Surely you understand that most teachers, nurses, many working in retail, catering, cleaning etc can not earn £60k? They just can’t.

If a bloke was on here spouting the same things, people would have said FAR worse than that. I see far worse on here every single day about men that are being discussed on threads.

That other posters aren’t looking for genuine discussions either, just shit and giggles, isn’t a defence for personal attacks.

Live to work or work to live ?
I am sure there is someone out there for you .

Stating a great guy deserves better than the OP is no more a personal attack than half the other comments aimed at her throughout the thread. It's an opinion. Same as the OPs opinions. You don't have to agree with my opinion and I don't have to agree with yours but to call it a personal attack is ridiculous.

It is my personal opinion that a great guy deserves someone who doesn't see him in so shallow a form as merely a provider.

I don't think you're being unreasonable in wanting a man that has the same outlook on things as you.
If this man to whom you refer is happy with his life then good for him but he's not the man for you.
We're all different. Go for what makes you happy.

The way I see it OP is if that’s your criteria, then fair enough , although I think you are making it hard on yourself and don’t agree with a rather rigid criteria, do remember high earning guys are often big spenders too. , however at least you have standards. A lot of women do seem to rush for the first semi ok chavvy cocklodger they attract and then wonder why they have issues. I think you need to relax a bit in your head and take guys as individuals, to me this bloke sounds worth a punt. Don’t be obsessed about house owning, there are many reasons who some guys haven’t bothered.

Anyone can have whatever criteria they wish for selecting a partner, but they have to accept that may well limit the pool they can fish from.

If someone shows a complete and utter cluelessness at the world and bases their judgements of spectacularly clouded views then they can't be surprised if and when people point out the issues there.

Judging someone for only earning £45k, lack of home ownership and not seeking the next promotion because it proves they settle and are unambitious is twatty. Arguing that you believe most professionals would be earning £60k without any additional hours is naive and clueless.
Dithering back and forth about how money is/isn't important when the central criteria for a partner is 'does he earn lots and will he maintain my lifestyle when I quite work' is hypocritical when judging and sneering at men for being content on £45k.

Claiming that a comfortable life with kids means 2 holidays a year and private education on one salary is a mix of naive, twatty and goady.

On a thread about seeking wealth, turning it round to "but what is wealth really?" Is goady

Stating a great guy deserves better than the OP is no more a personal attack than half the other comments aimed at her throughout the thread. It's an opinion.

So personal attacks are fine as long as everyone else is doing it.

It’s not really an opinion just an insult.

And MNHQ is free to delete any comments on this thread they feel cross a line into a personal attack.

But well done on derailing the thread.

What you want isn’t a problem it’s just a personal preference. What I will say is if you’re setting the bar (!) with your Tier 1s like barristers, CEOs, your usual high flyers then you are going to need to put the most into your appearance & personal grooming. Because owning a house won’t cut it.