Expectations of men as a modern woman dating...is this unreasonable?

[Turtleneckjumpers]

I'm single. I have a decent job which allowed me to buy a house in my late twenties (by no means a mansion, worth circa 220 in 2015).

I care about a nice home and want to see a bit of the world. I'm not materialistic in the sense of buying designer clothes etc (I'm a Primark person mostly!). But money bothers me. It is important to me because it is a safety net in many ways. So I work hard and hope to always be able to support myself.

Here's the question. I date. So many men have either not bought a house (I do understand this isn't easy, but by age 38 I question this!!) or in an average job earning less than I am - significantly.

I've met a lovely man, 38, good fun. But in a recent conversation he voluntarily disclosed what he earns (45k) and said he has a good bonus and car and he's happy with that. I didn't say this but i was thinking really?! Are you just going to think ok I'm happy with that?!

I've been thinking about how awful this probably makes me and how it is probably why i have been single for a few years now. Also people into their jobs are often (not always i know) not the best partners. But i can't help being bothered by this. I want someone who wants to provide and is ambitious. Am I attracted to the wrong things here or is this reasonable?

IcedPurple that is good to know.

I'd like to see you back your angry words with more logical examples then.

But feel free to let off steam at smug. That seems to be the root of your chip.

Do people actually realise that you are paid more highly because you’re doing the same hours? If you were paid more to work many many more hours, then surprise surprise, you could end up actually being very low paid.

The hours are rarely different. Let’s stop hiding behind that as a reason not to do better for yourself and a family.

Imagine having a father who spent all his thirties making average money when he could have done better...to then have children who one day will need money for university, a home.

That would be my FIL.

I just wonder if someone on 7 figures should turn around and look down on all those unambitious losers on 100 or 200k...

You're being obtuse or you're trolling, aren't you/

As you've been told a zillion times, he is not on 'average' moneyh. He is on very very good money. Most people in the country bring up families very well on considerably less. And you sound a bit daft wagging yoru finger at a guy you've only met once (?) about his hypothetical children, especially as you see nothing wrong with contributing nothing financially to the household once you convince a sufficiently wealthy man to fund you.

Again, this man owes you nothing. He seems to be doing just fine. I hope he's reading this thread and realises what a lucky escape he got.

JoJo maybe so.

But 45k is not making a dent into an income you could have when you’re 38!! So for the next 25 years that’s it for him.

I'd like to see you back your angry words with more logical examples then.

Says the person who claimed that 'ambition' (which you appear to define as making enough money to allow your economically idle wife to live a life of considerable comfort at your expense) was 'innate', and as proof gave an example of pricisely two people.

The OP is wrong in the appraisal of hours too. So much professional work now requires employees to engage in discretionary (and unpaid) activities. To suggest that chasing £40k+ jobs means just chasing promotions and doing something different in the same working hours is hideously naive.

I'm still putting my money on pharmaceutical/medical sales.

I just wonder if someone on 7 figures should turn around and look down on all those unambitious losers on 100 or 200k...

Where I work, there will be people on 7 figures. They may very well think that (and pay a lot of tax).

simone I work with people all the time who are paid a lot of money. I can tell you with absolute certainty that those who are sacrificing their time outside working hours are NOT the well paid people.

Do people actually realise that you are paid more highly because you’re doing the same hours?
I've never seen a CEO or a partner in a big firm doing 9-5.

OP, it's also missing the point. As mentioned upthread, I'm one of the many teachers on this thread. I was inspired to become one as a teenager and found it a very fulfilling as a job. However, I also have an interest finance and investing so I looked to work in that field. I got as far as interviews - the concept of devoting my life to just making money for a company (and myself) was absolutely soul destroying. Different people get motivated by different things. All well and good that your no1 is money (or maybe status too with all these promotions?) but don't look down on people with a different set of values.

IcePurple, I work with ambitious people. The top people are all around me in the 5 City firms I have been at over more than 2 decades. That is why I am qualified to say that ambition is innate. Nobody is pushing them. Anyone who cannot take the heat (it is not for everyone) would have left long ago.

I can also speak for myself - apparently I am well paid - I have had the occasion when I’ve put in extra hours but I pretty much own my time.

It is utterly ridiculous to say that someone at 38 years old should draw a line under career progression for fear of losing time in their day. Another way of looking at it is that they’re work shy.

And no, I certainly don’t think people in low paid jobs are work shy, far from it. But a man who has opportunity to progress and doesn’t...it says a lot about him and not in a good way, for the reasons I’ve said

You are so naive OP. Often the more you are paid the higher the expectations....you might be contracted to work a certain number of hours but the reality is often very different. I honestly can't believe you've ever had a professional job because if you had, you'd understand that.

You do realise it’s not a requirement to pay for university, buy your kids a house or send them to private school?

JoJo I get that. I respect that.

I don’t respect someone who chooses not to progress in their chosen industry at 38 with no other commitments.

dodgeball are you serious?

Ok. I will just rely on the state to pay for everything for me. And then I will leave my kids to struggle when I could instead make life easier for them.

Honestly shocked by your comment.

bernes yes that can be the case. Often it is not. I see it every day.

Telling that you're being incredibly evasive in not revealing your job title

Why is my job title relevant?

IcePurple, I work with ambitious people. The top people are all around me in the 5 City firms I have been at over more than 2 decades. That is why I am qualified to say that ambition is innate.

Do you actually know what innate means? It seems that you do not.

Anyone who cannot take the heat (it is not for everyone) would have left long ago

Huh?

You said ambition is innate. If something is innate then everyone has it. And if you're going to move the goalposts and say it's only innate to certain people, then unless you have monitored them since birth, you cannot possibly say that.

Anyway, it's irrelevant. Clearly this man doesn't share the poster's idea that money is everything - provided someone else is earning it - so best she forget him and seek out some other high earner who wants to fund her lifestyle. Good luck to her.

Everyone seems agrees that money = privilege. However you look at it, you should want to put your children in the best position possible. Imagine having a father who spent all his thirties making average money when he could have done better...to then have children who one day will need money for university, a home. Life is tough and you should pull your weight as far as you can.
Yet I can think of hundreds of students I've known over the years who have been financially very secure but emotionally struggling. It's great they can have the savings and the car at 17 and 2 holidays a year, but when they're in my classroom upset because they're worrying about exams and don't feel they can talk to anyone at home because 'they care more about work than me', that stings.

When there are teens who regularly spend time at grandparents and wider family houses because their parents need to keep travelling for work, and they find the lack of routine hard, we see the impact.

When they're upset because they feel they're letting their parents down because 'mum's given up my career for me and I don't know how to tell her I don't want to do law/medicine' that's really hard to hear.

When there's parents' evening or a show or a sporting event and they'd love their dad to be there just once, but he can't because he's working late again and they come in disappointed it's hard.

Those kids aren't seeking another holiday or another mobile phone or another thousand in the house fund. They want to see both their parents and have both their parents involved in their lives.

One of the privileges of teaching is working with such a range of families and children. Hand on heart, I can't say that the wealthier families automatically have the happiest children.

Yes, financial security matters, but I think a fixation on a sort of affluent lifestyle above the norm and equating it with being a good parent is misguided.

That is why I am qualified to say that ambition is innate. Nobody is pushing them.

I think you'll find that many are just used to it or 'stuck' especially once they have a family and a commitment to a mortgage on that lovely house is Richmond/Hampstead and the school fees.

Yes lola but this man doesn’t have children yet and is just drawing a line under anything else! He has every opportunity to maximise earnings now.