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Original poster

Expectations of men as a modern woman dating...is this unreasonable?

764 replies

Turtleneckjumpers · 04/08/2019 11:00

I'm single. I have a decent job which allowed me to buy a house in my late twenties (by no means a mansion, worth circa 220 in 2015).

I care about a nice home and want to see a bit of the world. I'm not materialistic in the sense of buying designer clothes etc (I'm a Primark person mostly!). But money bothers me. It is important to me because it is a safety net in many ways. So I work hard and hope to always be able to support myself.

Here's the question. I date. So many men have either not bought a house (I do understand this isn't easy, but by age 38 I question this!!) or in an average job earning less than I am - significantly.

I've met a lovely man, 38, good fun. But in a recent conversation he voluntarily disclosed what he earns (45k) and said he has a good bonus and car and he's happy with that. I didn't say this but i was thinking really?! Are you just going to think ok I'm happy with that?!

I've been thinking about how awful this probably makes me and how it is probably why i have been single for a few years now. Also people into their jobs are often (not always i know) not the best partners. But i can't help being bothered by this. I want someone who wants to provide and is ambitious. Am I attracted to the wrong things here or is this reasonable?

OP posts:
Everafter1 · 05/08/2019 00:30

It's more the fact that someone could be discarded purely because they're not earning quite enough. His wage doesn't set alarm bells about lack of ambition, maybe he wants to & will earn more in the future. Op is in a good position herself. I think the reaction of "ok, you think on going to be happy with that?" comes across as a little shallow.
Everyone has criteria but that particular one could be gone & what are you left with?
I am a sahm & I'm in a very fortunate position but circumstances can change.
I get the concern about having a safety net, but it being a deciding factor in a relationship does seem materialistic. Surely there's more important factors at play.
Maybe the guys just not for you op & vice versa.

Batqueen · 05/08/2019 10:23

Wow, this has all escalated since last I checked.

I was originally willing to give the benefit of the doubt - ie I like a driven and ambitious partner who is passionate about their career to match me but it seems this really is just about the money.

OP, if you are London based you can probably find one easily enough. I meet them all the time. Many are complete assholes though but maybe that’s less important to you.

Snog · 05/08/2019 10:24

I don't believe that most single men earning £75k plus are looking for a partner based on her salary level.

So OP will be competing for these men - of whom there are relatively few - with many other women who may well be more charming or beautiful or have more to offer by way of personality or seem like they will make good mothers.

OP you are kidding yourself if you do not recognise how money orientated you are, something which is not exactly an attractive quality either.

Snog · 05/08/2019 10:24

I don't believe that most single men earning £75k plus are looking for a partner based on her salary level.

So OP will be competing for these men - of whom there are relatively few - with many other women who may well be more charming or beautiful or have more to offer by way of personality or seem like they will make good mothers.

OP you are kidding yourself if you do not recognise how money orientated you are, something which is not exactly an attractive quality either.

Snog · 05/08/2019 10:24

I don't believe that most single men earning £75k plus are looking for a partner based on her salary level.

So OP will be competing for these men - of whom there are relatively few - with many other women who may well be more charming or beautiful or have more to offer by way of personality or seem like they will make good mothers.

OP you are kidding yourself if you do not recognise how money orientated you are, something which is not exactly an attractive quality either.

Snog · 05/08/2019 10:24

I don't believe that most single men earning £75k plus are looking for a partner based on her salary level.

So OP will be competing for these men - of whom there are relatively few - with many other women who may well be more charming or beautiful or have more to offer by way of personality or seem like they will make good mothers.

OP you are kidding yourself if you do not recognise how money orientated you are, something which is not exactly an attractive quality either.

Snog · 05/08/2019 10:24

I don't believe that most single men earning £75k plus are looking for a partner based on her salary level.

So OP will be competing for these men - of whom there are relatively few - with many other women who may well be more charming or beautiful or have more to offer by way of personality or seem like they will make good mothers.

OP you are kidding yourself if you do not recognise how money orientated you are, something which is not exactly an attractive quality either.

2boysDad · 05/08/2019 10:36

Something that has been missed in this thread.

£45k + "good bonus" + car isn't just £45k, it's a lot more. The only area that pays good bonuses is finance and I when I used to work in finance (before I dropped out and became unambitious) my typical bonuses were about 50% of my salary.

So this guy is likely to be on a good £70k+.

I would estimate that put's him in the 10% of UK earners.

OP - you've every right to be as picky as you like about who you date but unless you have model looks (and I do literally mean smoking hot model looks) then you're trying to punch WAY above your weight.

How many men do you think there are who:
a) earn over £70k.
b) Are your type
c) Are single
d) Are wanting to get serious with a 38 year old woman who's already making plans to have kids and settle down using his earnings...

Just sayin'......

Chocolate123 · 05/08/2019 10:42

If you can provide for yourself why does it bother you what he earns? It's up to you what kind of man you date but if you are holding out until a higher earning man with a home etc I feel you might be left waiting

Chocolate123 · 05/08/2019 10:42

If you can provide for yourself why does it bother you what he earns? It's up to you what kind of man you date but if you are holding out until a higher earning man with a home etc I feel you might be left waiting

Chocolate123 · 05/08/2019 10:42

If you can provide for yourself why does it bother you what he earns? It's up to you what kind of man you date but if you are holding out until a higher earning man with a home etc I feel you might be left waiting

Chocolate123 · 05/08/2019 10:45

Apologies not sure why numerous posts Confused

wishywashy6 · 05/08/2019 10:59

I'd say you're free to want what you want but you shouldn't be judging others based on your own expectations.

wishywashy6 · 05/08/2019 10:59

I'd say you're free to want what you want but you shouldn't be judging others based on your own expectations.

Benes · 05/08/2019 11:11

You really aren't taking into account that some sectors just don't pay huge salaries....it doesn't matter how ambitious you are.

tierraJ · 05/08/2019 12:27

I will make the comment that literally ALL the high earners I know have marrief women equal to them in intelligence and social background (which is why I don't stand a chance with the anaesthetist I like) BUT they ALL are playing around with prettier women lower down the social scale.
Age doesn't always come into it.
Several rich men have wanted affairs with me - they were the same age.
But I didn't go there, I want to be a man's only woman.

tierraJ · 05/08/2019 12:27

I will make the comment that literally ALL the high earners I know have marrief women equal to them in intelligence and social background (which is why I don't stand a chance with the anaesthetist I like) BUT they ALL are playing around with prettier women lower down the social scale.
Age doesn't always come into it.
Several rich men have wanted affairs with me - they were the same age.
But I didn't go there, I want to be a man's only woman.

tierraJ · 05/08/2019 12:27

I will make the comment that literally ALL the high earners I know have marrief women equal to them in intelligence and social background (which is why I don't stand a chance with the anaesthetist I like) BUT they ALL are playing around with prettier women lower down the social scale.
Age doesn't always come into it.
Several rich men have wanted affairs with me - they were the same age.
But I didn't go there, I want to be a man's only woman.

tierraJ · 05/08/2019 12:27

I will make the comment that literally ALL the high earners I know have marrief women equal to them in intelligence and social background (which is why I don't stand a chance with the anaesthetist I like) BUT they ALL are playing around with prettier women lower down the social scale.
Age doesn't always come into it.
Several rich men have wanted affairs with me - they were the same age.
But I didn't go there, I want to be a man's only woman.

tierraJ · 05/08/2019 12:28

I will make the comment that literally ALL the high earners I know have marrief women equal to them in intelligence and social background (which is why I don't stand a chance with the anaesthetist I like) BUT they ALL are playing around with prettier women lower down the social scale.
Age doesn't always come into it.
Several rich men have wanted affairs with me - they were the same age.
But I didn't go there, I want to be a man's only woman.

tierraJ · 05/08/2019 12:29

I will make the comment that literally ALL the high earners I know have marrief women equal to them in intelligence and social background (which is why I don't stand a chance with the anaesthetist I like) BUT they ALL are playing around with prettier women lower down the social scale.
Age doesn't always come into it.
Several rich men have wanted affairs with me - they were the same age.
But I didn't go there, I want to be a man's only woman.

tierraJ · 05/08/2019 12:30

Oh my god why has it posted twice sorry!!

tierraJ · 05/08/2019 12:30

What is happening with Mumsnet today

Batqueen · 05/08/2019 12:53

So as a balance I do know people who make a lot of money and ‘shock horror’ manage to be nice people too! My dp and I both earn above the 45k amount (him more than me but that wasn’t a selection criteria) we are both driven and lucky to be in sectors that reward you as you move up the career path.

My friends vary in their salary scales. The ones who are high earners are nice people else I wouldn’t be friends with them - same for the low earners.

Nice people who are high earners can be found but the guys I’m friends with wouldn’t date someone like the OP as they aren’t that materialistic, just driven and happen to be in well recompensed careers.

AnneKipanki · 05/08/2019 12:59

How old are you @Turtleneckjumpers ?
You wrote the man you are dating is 38 .

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