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Original poster

Expectations of men as a modern woman dating...is this unreasonable?

764 replies

Turtleneckjumpers · 04/08/2019 11:00

I'm single. I have a decent job which allowed me to buy a house in my late twenties (by no means a mansion, worth circa 220 in 2015).

I care about a nice home and want to see a bit of the world. I'm not materialistic in the sense of buying designer clothes etc (I'm a Primark person mostly!). But money bothers me. It is important to me because it is a safety net in many ways. So I work hard and hope to always be able to support myself.

Here's the question. I date. So many men have either not bought a house (I do understand this isn't easy, but by age 38 I question this!!) or in an average job earning less than I am - significantly.

I've met a lovely man, 38, good fun. But in a recent conversation he voluntarily disclosed what he earns (45k) and said he has a good bonus and car and he's happy with that. I didn't say this but i was thinking really?! Are you just going to think ok I'm happy with that?!

I've been thinking about how awful this probably makes me and how it is probably why i have been single for a few years now. Also people into their jobs are often (not always i know) not the best partners. But i can't help being bothered by this. I want someone who wants to provide and is ambitious. Am I attracted to the wrong things here or is this reasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
Turtleneckjumpers · 04/08/2019 23:00

Lalag your post is funny.

I hope your hugely interesting other half doesn’t want to go twenty years younger in due course ..!

OP posts:
CestCeleste · 04/08/2019 23:00

OP is the point of being able to support yourself not that you are not constrained by monetary considerations. You don’t need a man to support you which gives you FREEDOM.

Original poster
Turtleneckjumpers · 04/08/2019 23:02

Cest yes that’s right. But in a situation where I’m looking after children, I’d expect my husband to be earning what I otherwise would be. Not additional, to be clear! Just in their own right.

OP posts:
CestCeleste · 04/08/2019 23:05

So you expect to be a SAHM eventually?

Original poster
Turtleneckjumpers · 04/08/2019 23:07

Not forever but for a bit yes. That’s my choice and I would hope my other half would be ok with that!

OP posts:
AnotherAdultHumanFemale · 04/08/2019 23:12

I've not read all the replies so apologies if this has already been asked OP but did you see that thread of the woman who was no longer attracted to her husband because he'd lost all his money? Because you sound a bit like how I imagine she was before marrying.

Now she is in a bit of a nightmare situation because she married for money and then he lost it all.

Lots of psychopaths earn a lot of money, but I wouldn't recommend being in a relationship with one.

It sounds like your priorities are off. It's ok to want to be with a partner who is solvent and shares your values but values need to come first. Make a list of all the traits you're looking for in a partner and see what you come up with. Would you be happy with a millionaire who cheated on you for example? Or a man with a more modest income who was kind and faithful?

Watchingthyme · 04/08/2019 23:15

You’ll basically end up alone, you might have kids in the interim. But you’ll definitely end up alone one day

JoJoSM2 · 04/08/2019 23:17

Would you be happy with a millionaire who cheated on you for example? Or a man with a more modest income who was kind and faithful?

Maybe a faithful millionaire?

Also, to all the posters who suggest SAHM do all housework because the high-earning husband is busy working... I’d think that you’d get a cleaner, gardener, childcare help etc so it isn’t the wife doing all the chores...

Sunbeam18 · 04/08/2019 23:17

Maybe the step beyond his current level is into senior management and he knows himself that that's not for him - not everyone is cut out for it.
You haven't answered what industry you work in that £45k is a low salary?

Scott72 · 04/08/2019 23:19

OP as others here have said the sort of man looking to support a SAHM will probably be looking for what you would consider a "trophy wife". If you have a look, a real look unblinkered by your expectations, of what the couples around you look like you would see very few if any of the types of marriages like the one you are looking for. Your expectations are completely unrealistic, and since you only have a limited time to have children of your own (if you are mid 30s as your posts suggest) it is time to let those expectations go.

CestCeleste · 04/08/2019 23:19

Well I just don’t know if you are thinking about it the right way - it would need to be a joint decision.

Also are you prepared to miss out on kids altogether because you are dismissing nice guys who can’t keep you as a SAHM? A lot of couples do need to both work these days.

Original poster
Turtleneckjumpers · 04/08/2019 23:19

In medical profession

OP posts:
simone1863 · 04/08/2019 23:20

I know of university lecturers and doctors in their 30s earning about 2/3 of that who own no property. Are they ambitious enough?

Kisskiss · 04/08/2019 23:26

Not sure why people are giving the OP so much stick- she said she wants someone who earns about the same as her.. is that that bad? Everyone is jumping on her asking what she as to offer a high income 40 year old.. and that she should drop her expectations and settle..
it’s true that salary shouldn’t be the main criteria for love but surely you’re allowed to have some criteria? And no, I don’t think her criteria are outrageous

ItsOnAmericasTorturedBrow · 04/08/2019 23:38

What's wrong with earning £45K plus bonuses?! That's way higher than the average U.K. salary

Watchingthyme · 04/08/2019 23:39

Because she wants someone earning more. And that will be the death of her.

The people I’ve known in happy relationships with others earning a lot, never thought about the earning capacity. It was just an added bonus.

TatianaLarina · 04/08/2019 23:40

Nothing, as OP has said repeatedly. It was the lack of ambition beyond that, and not owning his own home on that salary that concerned the OP.

ItsOnAmericasTorturedBrow · 04/08/2019 23:40

I earn £41K plus overtime (if I want it) and I'm 51 and single. Shall I just give up now? Grin

dodgeballchamp · 04/08/2019 23:41

OP you’re not presenting yourself in a great light. I get your own experience informs your worldview but are you really that naive/sheltered to think everyone is earning £35k and above? As I said earlier, what about nurses/shop workers/care assistants/roadsweepers/dustmen/teachers etc? You know, the people society depends on to keep running?

Also I think you have a pretty sexist view of the world. Men who want their wives to stay at home so they don’t have to look after the kids are plain and simple misogynists - it isn’t ‘your job’ solely to do that, when kids come along both parents should make the necessary adjustments. Why do you want to perpetuate an outdated and imbalanced model? I’m not saying don’t stay at home for a few years in the early stages but surely this is something you’d save up for as a couple and then discuss how you’re both going to share childcare when you go back to work. the blind acceptance that men ‘would rather be at work’ and thinking that’s fine is a really disappointing attitude to hear from women tbh

dodgeballchamp · 04/08/2019 23:45

You still need to get onto the property ladder. It’s an investment not a tie, if he moves he can rent it out. A single man can afford to save a lot or money on 45k a year.

Well, no, not necessarily if he’s renting in London as I said as it’s likely his outgoings would be 50% of his salary which doesn’t leave much to save once food/travel etc has been paid.

Nobody ‘needs’ to get on the property ladder. Perhaps he’s putting any spare money into a pension so he can afford to rent in old age. And you can’t jusy buy a house and rent it out that easily - your mortgage terms may not allow it for a start, and then there are the associated costs of being a landlord like insurance, tax, repairs, periods where there’s no tenant etc. It’s not a guaranteed money making endeavour. Perhaps he’s a socialist and opposed to the idea of property for profit and doesn’t want to add to the housing crisis by becoming a landlord. He’s clearly got enough money to support himself should his current landlord boot him out, I’m really not sure what your problem is with people choosing to live differently to you

HUZZAH212 · 04/08/2019 23:51

Yes but OP states she bought her house. Is that mortgage free now then? If it is that's her safety net and she doesn't have to panic about needing to snag a man on 75k with property of his own. She can settle for Mr 45k and push him into working longer hours so she can be a SAHP and he can buy a nicer car... Lucky Mr 45k 🙄

Namenic · 04/08/2019 23:52

Haha - ok OP, if you’re in the medical profession I can understand why you’d want the mat leave! It is amazing. I think you don’t get to keep all the mat pay if you don’t return for a bit after baby though (do check!).

My DH isn’t v ambitious and did a whole bunch of sideways moves. He could have earned a lot more if he went into management but he is in a shortage profession that had good hours, so his salary has increased slowly and has ended up good (in your books!). I’m doing a career change to his sector!

JoJoSM2 · 05/08/2019 00:00

Not sure why people are giving the OP so much stick- she said she wants someone who earns about the same as her.. is that that bad?

I think the stick is for thinking that:
unless you’re a high earner you aren’t ambitious
earning on the 75th percentile not good enough for OP
not recognising that she’s materialistic
and for being materialistic

Letseatgrandma · 05/08/2019 00:02

You can have whatever criteria you want but you have to accept your pool is going to be narrower.

I’m a teacher and at the top of the upper pay scale on £39k. I guess some people would see me as unambitious?!

CestCeleste · 05/08/2019 00:02

Also not realising how sexist she’s being