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Original poster

Expectations of men as a modern woman dating...is this unreasonable?

764 replies

Turtleneckjumpers · 04/08/2019 11:00

I'm single. I have a decent job which allowed me to buy a house in my late twenties (by no means a mansion, worth circa 220 in 2015).

I care about a nice home and want to see a bit of the world. I'm not materialistic in the sense of buying designer clothes etc (I'm a Primark person mostly!). But money bothers me. It is important to me because it is a safety net in many ways. So I work hard and hope to always be able to support myself.

Here's the question. I date. So many men have either not bought a house (I do understand this isn't easy, but by age 38 I question this!!) or in an average job earning less than I am - significantly.

I've met a lovely man, 38, good fun. But in a recent conversation he voluntarily disclosed what he earns (45k) and said he has a good bonus and car and he's happy with that. I didn't say this but i was thinking really?! Are you just going to think ok I'm happy with that?!

I've been thinking about how awful this probably makes me and how it is probably why i have been single for a few years now. Also people into their jobs are often (not always i know) not the best partners. But i can't help being bothered by this. I want someone who wants to provide and is ambitious. Am I attracted to the wrong things here or is this reasonable?

OP posts:
Fonduefrolics · 04/08/2019 11:07

They are your expectations and boundaries and it’s probably best you don’t feel like you are settling.

You have to be realistic though in that your dating pool will be considerably smaller and you could be missing out on lovely men who are only moderate earners.

To me, in social housing, earning my own money but a very modest salary, £45k sounds like a fortune Wink. But it’s all about perspective.

Pinkbonbon · 04/08/2019 11:10

Yabu purely because you already earn plenty of money yourself. So really, that should mean you are free to date anyone. You already gave your own home and financial stability so why dies he need to be well off too? Of course he should be responsible and able to hold down a job but... 45k a year isn't enough for you? Wow. Good luck with the single life.

Fonduefrolics · 04/08/2019 11:10

Sorry my first sentence makes no sense - if they are your expectations, they’re yours to own. You don’t have to settle if that’s what you want from a man.

Tiddlybups · 04/08/2019 11:10

Financial parity is important , yes. I think we generally do partner up along financial \career\ class lines!

I'm writing as someone who was a bit of a hippy in my early 20s btw.

Guys on an established career and financial path might have preferred to date women who were also on their way to being lawyers and doctors rather than me. And that was actually ok? It didn't mean they were shallow and horrid or that I was some undateable freak, just that we weren't compatible.

Similarly I'm more conventionally ambitious now and tend to get on best with men who are the same .

Pinkbonbon · 04/08/2019 11:11

*have
*does

1WayOrAnother · 04/08/2019 11:11

If it's important to you then it's important to you. You can't change them just like they can't change you. I can understand you valuing security.

LividLaughLove · 04/08/2019 11:13

That’s massively over the national average. Surely you see that?

Are you in central London?

I would be uncomfortable with anyone earning less than me, but I’m on a decent-ish wage and work very long hours. It’s more a culture of expectation and equivalence than actual money that would bother me.

You might need to adjust your dating pool if you’re on significantly higher than that, because a lot of people are going to tell you that you ARE unrealistic and shallow.

Houseofmirth66 · 04/08/2019 11:14

I owned my own flat at 23 and bought and sold my way into bigger and better properties for a couple of decades. Now I rent and am happier to have the freedom and flexibility of being able to get up and go. Property ownership isn’t necessarily the measure of someone’s ambition these days.

Original poster
Turtleneckjumpers · 04/08/2019 11:14

Just to clarify i am not saying 45k isn't enough money. i am aware that of course it is.

my question is am i being unreasonable/an idiot to want someone who earns at least or the same as me? and why do i feel i want this? i honestly can't seem to separate it from attraction generally. for me it is a sense of security and it is measured by what i have as a baseline.

just to be clear, i dont earn much more than this man on 45k - but i have bought a house

OP posts:
toffeeapple123 · 04/08/2019 11:14

My word, £45k of a man's income isn't enough for you? It's way above the average salary in London and across the UK.

I earn way more, and own my own property, but I'm seeking a good partner for who they are and how they can enhance my life.

Jobs and money come and go - it shouldn't be what you decide on in a life partner.

Original poster
Turtleneckjumpers · 04/08/2019 11:16

i have said i am aware 45k is a decent salary! i do think at 38, however, to kick back and say they have no further aspirations on 45k is a bit odd? it is not a fortune and he's only 38!

OP posts:
toffeeapple123 · 04/08/2019 11:17

Just saw your latest post. Yes, I think it is highly superficial to expect someone to earn more than you. The same? Fair enough. And I'd understand concerns if he earned much, much less than you. So what if he doesn't have a house? You need to look at the man and his qualities - is he kind? Is he supportive? Do you have similar values? Will he be there for you during life's hardest moments? These are the most important questions you should be asking.

Walkmehome · 04/08/2019 11:18

So it’s decent but not enough for you. That’s up to you but I think that would be seen as a respectable salary for the average person.

milienhaus · 04/08/2019 11:18

I find it confusing that you don’t earn more than him but it’s not enough for you - your joint income would be plenty for you to travel etc? What would be a good amount in your eyes?

MeowTseTung · 04/08/2019 11:18

It's reasonable, relatively speaking, in your own world. Which probably doesn't reflect the world of most MNers that can only dream of that sort of salary.

The derisive tone you take towards people on a mere 45k plus car and bonuses is pretty unattractive though.

CendrillonSings · 04/08/2019 11:18

Torn on this one. Money IS important - it gives you choice and freedom in just about every area of life, but remember you’re dating a person, not just a second income stream.

So 45k is clearly not the magic number for you. What would your reaction be if they said 75k, or 100k, or 200k?

toffeeapple123 · 04/08/2019 11:19

Turtleneckjumpers I would favour a decent job and comfortable life, over working much longer hours, in a more stressful job just to earn a few thousand more. Some people value more than just money, and I'm one of those people - I would prefer a work life balance to spend with my family, friends, hobbies etc. There is more to life than money. I could have ended up going into banking, earning six figure salaries - but it's not the kind of life I want.

If you want someone who wants to earn more, and owns a house, this guy clearly isn't it for you. Let him find someone with similar values.

Gregoire · 04/08/2019 11:20

You're entitled to have whatever priorities you like - there's nothing reasonable or unreasonable about you deciding what is important to you.

It is worth considering that you are limiting your dating pool - you might find it's harder to meet people who have other qualities you really want (whatever they are - kindness, sense of humour, sense of adventure, intelligence, respectfulness etc). There may come a time when you decide that their financial situation is less of a priority than other qualities.

dudsville · 04/08/2019 11:21

You set your own ethics/values/standards. When I was last dating I was an adult with my own home. My job is "meaningful" and it was important to me that whomever I ended up with also had a meaningful job. We don't earn a lot by your standards, but I do know what it is to have standards.

mummmy2017 · 04/08/2019 11:21

Your attitude is cutting your supply of suitable mates, while you can want more, you may find that men have in that age group of that Income are happily married.

Tweetingmagpie · 04/08/2019 11:23

I think when you’re single you have this big list of what you’d accept in a man and what you wouldn’t, but when you actually meet someone you are really into (and fall in love with) all of that goes out the window.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t have standards, you definitely should and fwiw I think you are doing the right thing by not looking for anyone who’s not on the same level as you, but maybe try and be a bit more open minded.

Original poster
Turtleneckjumpers · 04/08/2019 11:25

ok just to be clear i am not saying 45k is not enough money. it is.

i earn more than that (not a lot more) but at age 38 i wouldnt just be thinking right that's it i will stop trying to earn more and achieve more.

the money..it isn;t for fancy clothes and nights out. it is for security and feeling like someone wants to make things as comfortable as possible. i wouldnt stop now and think ok 45k that's me done!

what do i think it a good amount? if he had said 75k that's obviously a decent amount for his age and would mean there wasnt much higher to go job wise, unless he was to take on a lot more responsibility. 45k however is not the peak of someone's career.

OP posts:
onanothertrain · 04/08/2019 11:28

So you work hard to support yourself but you want someone to provide for you?

Orangepancakes · 04/08/2019 11:28

I think YABU a bit. Ruling someone out based on their salary isn't exactly going to set you on a path of true love! If you both earn enough to be reasonably comfortable and have a good life, surely that's enough?

Hopoindown31 · 04/08/2019 11:30

You are obviously looking for a man with more drive and focus about his career than the chap you recently met. That's perfectly fine, but be careful about what you wish for. Will that drive and focus be so attractive when it means you aren't be prioritised over long hours in the office or when you are expected to completely give up your career if you want kids?

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