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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex wants me to leave DP

321 replies

Boysbeforeflowers · 03/08/2019 12:40

New to this, and this might be long, sorry.

When I was 17, I had a short fling with a 15 year old boy that resulted in me getting pregnant with twin boys. I was young and stupid (I know) and did lots of dumb stuff, but when I told the father a year after their birth, he wanted to be their dad and asked to be part of their lives. Ex loves the boys, who are now 13. Ex came into a sizeable inheritance when he was 18, and he used part of it to buy the twins and me a house. He is now married and has 4 DC with his wife. I have the boys Monday evening until Friday morning, and during half of the holidays.

Two years ago I met my DP. He moved in to my house a while ago, but he's recently mentioned he'd like me to move out and buy a house with him. This is a bit of a point of contention, but I digress. I love DP, but I'm not sure the boys like him, and I feel that they have been manipulating their father into getting me to try break things off with me.

Last time we spoke ex said DP sounded 'controlling' and wondered whether the relationship was a good one. He got quite annoyed when he found out DP wanted me to move, and we've had a few arguments about this. According to him it's all about the kids, but I feel like he's trying to tell me what to do and it's making me resent him!

Last night it all came to a head and I'm so angry and upset Sad Twins are on holiday with their father atm and he called yesterday, screaming down the telephone that I need to leave my 'excuse of a man DP' as he's fucking with my kids heads. One of my twins has told us recently that he thinks he might be gay, and he's told his father that DP has been calling him derogatory names when I'm not around. Now apparently I am to be a horrible mother if I don't leave him. We had a blazing row over the phone, and eventually I just hung up on him and cried. DP is visiting family so isn't home, and I don't know whether to believe what my son has said. He's nearly 14 and hasn't been keen on me having a partner from the start, so part of me is worried that he's trying to drive a wedge between everyone. I just don't know what I should be doing. I want to call DP, but I'm just not in a good place right now, and I feel there's nobody on my side. My DC are my everything, but I feel so alone right now and I'm wishing I'd never gotten pregnant, as my life has been so bloody complicated since then. And now I just feel awful sad I know DP is about to propose as well, so there's all these things and they're overwhelming me and I don't know what I should be doing. I feel like my ex has it all figured out and I am just eternally being punished for being young and stupid that one time. Sad

Sorry if that was long, it's hard to explain my situation and I'm finding things difficult to process atm.

OP posts:
couchparsnip · 03/08/2019 21:08

OP you sound very low. From what you've said, it looks like your DP is taking advantage of you. Your last post is very telling. He has ignored your wishes and refused to stay away.
Are you scared of him? What is it like when he 'blows up'? If he isn't willing to listen to you and you are scared of him then you need to seriously think about kicking him out. Maybe with your ex's help if he is willing.

Grumpelstilskin · 03/08/2019 21:12

OP, he doesn't want you to have the space and time to think about things. He tramples on your boundaries. Be very mindful of him and listen to your gut feeling here. You know this guy is not a decent partner. Get your share of savings back if you can. If not see it as the price for your freedom and to get away from him without too much turmoil.

CodenameVillanelle · 03/08/2019 21:21

I think you're desperate to get married so you're settling for a mediocre shitty man who doesn't want your children around. For goodness sake.

Original poster
Boysbeforeflowers · 03/08/2019 21:38

He's now staying at a friend's house. I'm not scared of him, I was wondering whether I had the mental energy to deal with this tonight or later. I've talked to ex, because I don't want DP to somehow contact the boys whilst they are on holiday. He asked if I was ok and offered to fly me over to join them abroad, but I've refused. Boys seem to be blissfully unaware, so that's good.

Ex has sent me a link of "hot single men in your area" as a joke to try and cheer me up. I'll try and go to bed soon and deal with everything tomorrow, thanks everyone who has been concerned.

OP posts:
Graphista · 03/08/2019 21:41

Your ex sounds an OK sort really.

Your current man with each post sounds more and more of a selfish dick!

MrsAJ27 · 03/08/2019 21:41

Hey OP, ignore the judgemental mumsnetters on this thread.

Given the current circumstances in your position I would ask DP to leave asap. Your DC do not like him and shouldn't be made to live with him. When are they back from their holiday? You can then try and untangle what has happened/been said.

Jupiter13 · 03/08/2019 21:57

Your gut instinct is the kids are manipulating the situation. I think they are. Dp must love you lots. Good luck.

Jupiter13 · 03/08/2019 22:00

Ex sounds selfish and is trying to split you up.

SeagullAteMyChihuahua · 03/08/2019 22:06

I have name changed in case my dcs see this.

I went out with a man who behaved like this but it took me longer than it should have done to see it. When he started talking about buying 2 flats next door to each other rather than him being in our house so the children could live next door, I realised how badly he wanted my dcs out of the equation.

I broke up with him - it was an easy decision - and I think you'll find with dp that all you have to do is tell him your dcs come first and he will walk away anyway without you even having to do anything.

I think you sound a tiny bit jealous that your ex has managed to find a happy and comfortable life for himself with his new family and you haven't. I do understand that feeling but believe me, it is better to be on your own than with someone who makes your dcs unhappy.

I don't think you will be able to bring someone home till they are a lot older. I waited till my youngest was 17 and that worked fine.

Put. Your. Children. First.

User2693 · 03/08/2019 22:08

Are you OP’s “D”P? 🤔

Mrsmummy90 · 03/08/2019 22:21

Your ex actually sounds amazing and really supportive so I'd lean towards trusting his judgement.

Also, your dp doesn't sound very nice at all so you're probably best rid of him!

LordNibbler · 03/08/2019 22:22

@Jupiter13 you're OP's 'D'P aren't you? Because it certainly sounds like it.

Grumpelstilskin · 03/08/2019 22:41

@Jupiter13 Are you on glue?

ticking · 03/08/2019 22:52

take your ex up on the offer to fly you out! It'll give you a break, chance to speak to your son, and a bit of thinking time.

LolaSmiles · 03/08/2019 22:57

Your ex sounds like a really good man and the two of you have got an excellent co-parenting relationship.
It also speaks wonders of his wife/partner that the twins are so happy and settled and you speak well of her too.

If you can get to that place for your children then you can get through this horrible transition with your relationship with DP. When you co-parenting relationship is filled with more respect than your romantic one, it's time to go.

Guiltypleasures001 · 03/08/2019 23:06

I'm very suspicious of your posts Jupiter

It's like you could be the ops partner or something

Jupiter13 · 03/08/2019 23:33

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Jupiter13 · 03/08/2019 23:34

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mummmy2017 · 03/08/2019 23:51

Why take on a mortgage when you have a home?
If you are frightened of dp, bet your boys are too.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 03/08/2019 23:56

Ignore Jupiter13, he's a misogynistic goady bloke who gets his only bit of female contact from hanging around on here.

Verily1 · 04/08/2019 00:09

Why don’t you have your dcs at weekends?

Weenurse · 04/08/2019 00:20

Go see your friend and chat about this.
You need real life support right now

SwordofGryffindor · 04/08/2019 02:23

I dont think your DS would lie about that and also your ex bought you a house which shows his v kind nature

Monday55 · 04/08/2019 03:06

Why did you break up with your Ex again?

Butterfly44 · 04/08/2019 03:24

You need to end it with your ex. It's not right on so many levels...your kids need to like and trust the man you end up marrying....and that should be the type of man you want to marry!
Totally agree with others that payments should be split in half. There's no mortgage and you have dependents that don't count. Hugely disturbed by the comments wanting to send your kids to dads for the weekdays. Nope.
I get that you want a relationship like your ex has....I'm sure he wants that you you too. You will have that if you wait for the right one! You know how it should be. Your ex was angry to start as he's listening to your kids....you would have the same reaction in his shoes. Now he's calming down and realising how you might be feeling.
Don't go down this wrong road. On another note when you marry all your assets are counted in a divorce...meaning if you divorce down the line he has claim to your existing house you own. You are still young and have no reason to rush into something that isn't right. Move onto better 💐