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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please stop me texting him again

375 replies

PlipPlop7clocks · 01/08/2019 21:13

So I have a bit of an on/off, does he/doesn’t he relationship with a close male friend. I texted him on Tuesday night suggesting we catch up the following day but he never replied. It was a light, breezy, fun message. There is no reason why he shouldn’t have replied.

I’m making all kinds of excuses for him. Maybe he never saw the message. Maybe it never arrived. Maybe he’s upset with me for some reason. Maybe he doesn’t feel the way I thought he felt about me. Maybe he’s trying to tell me to go away without actually saying it.

I’m normally the kind of person that would follow up with another text a few days later but I’m pretty sure this guy knows exactly how I feel about him. He likes having me as an admirer. He likes the ego boost. He likes never having to initiate contact because I always give in and text him first.

So my plan is not to send another message. To just wait.

Please help me stay strong.

OP posts:
31RueCambon · 06/08/2019 17:35

@AFistfulofDolores1 I ended up reading nearly everything james hollis wrote, so i owe that "introduction" to my friend with no boundaries. I can accept it all now!

I read a book you recommended to me a while ago. Who is it that can tell me who i am. Interesting. I enjoyed it! I had posted about my mother.

ChippyPickledEggs · 06/08/2019 17:37

It's hideous isn't it. Being the daughter of a mother who left the family home to start a new family when I was seven, and whom I never lived with again, (although I did always see her as a non resident parent) I have galloping abandonment issues and raging attraction towards those who don't really want me.

I know why I feel like this. I know where my abandonment issues come from. I know my attachment pattern and why and how unhealthy it is. I know, I know, I know. But I cannot seem to change my behaviour and feelings. It comes up again and again.

All my sympathy goes out to you OP. Letting go is painful as all hell. But you really do have to. This man isn't going to make you happy. The women on this thread (including myself) can see this situation for what it is because we have been there. It isn't unique. It's an old, every day dynamic.

31RueCambon · 06/08/2019 17:40

I think there are more Buddhist single males in Dublin than there are Catholic single males! Although this guy was actually Englishband half Jewish. He honestly just picked the bits that allowed him to use other people and yet still be the good guy. He had such a blind spot! Either he genuinely pitied anybody who admitted to wanting a relationship, he definitely saw it as a flaw, or he attempted to push that "philosophy" on to me to be able to continue to use / enjoy me emotionally.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 06/08/2019 17:41

That was you, @31RueCambon! Sorry, I'd forgotten! I've just read her second book, "If I Should Talk a Little Wild". Perfection!

Everafter1 · 06/08/2019 19:46

OP of course he'll get jealous if someone steals your affection but it's not because he wants you.
He'll be like a child whose ignored a toy for a long time, the minute the toy is about to be given away the child will demand they want to keep it. Said toy will remain with the un-appreciative child, ignored till it's old & worn.

You would love to be in constant contact with him, him on the other hand is clearly not phased.
Missing him, crying, feeling despair is part of the process but it does not change a thing about the situation. Some days will be good then you'll feel like your back to square one but every day that passes you'll be closer to being over it.

If he contacts you, appear aloof. If you address it he'll no doubt talk you round because he'll know he can & he won't want to appear the bad guy. He's let it go on that way long enough.

Don't accept his dregs because you think that's better than not having him at all. People shouldn't walk in & out of your life whenever they see fit. Set a standard for how you want to be treated, people treat you how you let them.

Frankola · 06/08/2019 20:29

He's not your best friend. A best friend wouldn't behave like this with you.

Hes sleeping with you because he can.

I'm sorry but this is going nowhere.

You also say he hasn't done anything wrong but he has. He has no respect for you and he's treating you like a mug.

Please love yourself more than this. You deserve better

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 06/08/2019 20:36

Hes sleeping with you because he can.
Alas, he’s not sleeping with me!!

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 06/08/2019 20:47

Please stay strong.
No your too busy to meet.
Only ever reply to him, never ever text first, see how long your record is for not replying, bonus points if he texteds twice first.

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 06/08/2019 20:51

Thank you. You have all helped me so much.

OP posts:
31RueCambon · 06/08/2019 23:09

I found the first 3 weeks the hardest. So treat yourself and keep busy for the first three weeks. After that, it does fade. By five weeks I was already feeling 'free-er' (from his bullshit!)

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 07/08/2019 01:11

So I just had a long text exchange with a mutual male friend who used to work with him. I think I just saved myself about £1000 in therapy! My friend gave a very reasonable account of why he thinks my ‘friend’ is a misogynistic, submissive, slobbish, cowardly, moaning, pathetic “pond scum”. It certainly made me smile.

OP posts:
socksforfox · 07/08/2019 06:27

F

mummmy2017 · 07/08/2019 07:51

Nice to see you have a real life report.

31RueCambon · 07/08/2019 16:59

And that guy knows him!

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 07/08/2019 17:11

I’m so happy. I feel like I have been released from something!!

I think I could be friends with him in time but I’m seeing him in a totally new light. I need some time apart from him to properly disengage though. Which he is probably going to enable by ghosting me!!

OP posts:
StormTreader · 07/08/2019 17:38

I've been drawn in by men like this as well.

The most recent one ghosted me until I literally bumped into him getting off a bus I was getting on. He stammered out that we should meet that evening (as I'd suggested previously and he'd ignored) and that he'd message me, and that was the last I heard from him. It was the best thing he could have done because it proved finally that he was perfectly aware that I'd asked about meeting that night and that he could contact me and just....didn't. That was about 3 months ago.

There are so many ways to contact people - texting, social media, a letter through the post - that anyone who doesn't contact you just simply doesn't choose to. Even if he was going through something hard, a decent person will message eventually saying "sorry I wasn't in contact". The ones who disappear and then reappear like nothing happened aren't thinking about YOU at all, they just want another hit of that good ego boost and are coming back to you as a cheap dealer of it.

cccameron · 07/08/2019 17:51

You say he's your very best friend yet you only seem to have known him for a short while and seem to have no idea of what he is like as a person. In what context did you meet him? You seem to have obsessive ideas about him, not just as a romantic partner but also this idea that he is your best friend in the world. It all sounds too intense and I'm not surprised that he has backed off. I'm sure also that if his dad is very ill he will be focused on him and not agonising over whether to text or not! I hope you can find a way to move on

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 07/08/2019 19:05

I have known him for 2 years. We met through work. We don’t work together anymore but became what I thought was close friends. I suspect it was more of a one sided friendship in retrospect.

When we were working together we would spend all day every day together. When we stopped working together we would be in touch at least every other day.

We’re close because he helped me with some problems and we really opened up to each other.

My friend worked with him too but saw everything from a different perspective.

OP posts:
fandabbyfannyflutters · 07/08/2019 20:28

2 years?bloody hell you were going on like you'd known him a lifetime
2 years is no time to really know other than what they want you to know

31RueCambon · 07/08/2019 20:51

I think two years is a long time especially if you are meeting up on your own.

But interestingly the two years bears more similarity to a relationship than a friendship

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 07/08/2019 21:20

Well yes, I feel like I have had a 2 year relationship with him with no kissing or discussing feelings in a clearcut way!! 😂

OP posts:
31RueCambon · 07/08/2019 21:25

Tortore!!
Just think. Next time somebody gets this close to you and vice versa, he will be certain you are his girlfriend.

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 07/08/2019 22:12

Yes, that’s a good way to think about it. Thanks Cambon.

OP posts:
Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 10/08/2019 03:26

I still haven’t heard anything from my friend. It’s been 2.5 weeks now which is very unusual. I think I have 2 options.

  1. Ignore and move on
  2. Text him next week to just check if he’s OK.
Any thoughts??
OP posts:
matahairyy · 10/08/2019 04:10

Don’t you fucking dare