Please stop me texting him again

[PlipPlop7clocks]

So I have a bit of an on/off, does he/doesn’t he relationship with a close male friend. I texted him on Tuesday night suggesting we catch up the following day but he never replied. It was a light, breezy, fun message. There is no reason why he shouldn’t have replied.

I’m making all kinds of excuses for him. Maybe he never saw the message. Maybe it never arrived. Maybe he’s upset with me for some reason. Maybe he doesn’t feel the way I thought he felt about me. Maybe he’s trying to tell me to go away without actually saying it.

I’m normally the kind of person that would follow up with another text a few days later but I’m pretty sure this guy knows exactly how I feel about him. He likes having me as an admirer. He likes the ego boost. He likes never having to initiate contact because I always give in and text him first.

So my plan is not to send another message. To just wait.

Please help me stay strong.

But he is not your boyfriend.
He has shown he does not want to be, he does not fancy you.

He might be YOUR best friend
But you are not HIS best friend

Also he is not into you.
So no. Don text him

Hi everyone, I’m struggling today. It’s been a week and I really miss him. It hurts so much. I miss him to the extent that I could accept that we won’t be more than friends just so long as we can be in touch again.

But... I also want a mutual friendship which he would have to contribute to.

And... part of me is hoping that my lack of contact might spark some dormant feelings in him.

Help!

Please stay strong.
We all want better for you.
Too see you with a really lovelife and good friends, not stuck in no man's land by this Pratt.

I do feel like I’m in no man’s land. He doesn’t want me but I think he’d get jealous if anyone else had me.
I just wish he’d call.
The thought that I might never see him or speak to him again is just hideous.

It will get better

Fill your time. Keep busy

declutter
Write a list of things you’ve always wanted to do and start doing them
Find an exercise class on utube and do it. Can be yoga, Pilates, HIIT whatever you like

Put a rubber band round your wrist and every time you think of him ping it really hard.

Stay off the booze.

If you need to talk try samaritans. Think about doing the freedom programme.

The sooner you move on the sooner you meet Mr Wonderful. It’s not this guy.

Why are you accepting these crumbs of his time?

Move on OP. Think of all the things you could be doing with the time you're wasting thinking about someone that's not thinking about you.

Imagine messaging him and him looking down at his phone thinking ‘ha, I knew she’d give in and contact me’.
Is that what you want? Don’t give him the satisfaction.

Thanks for all the practical advice.

Just thinking, if he does call me, how do I deal with it?

1. Be bright and breezy, happy, tell him excitedly about all the fun things that I have genuinely been doing.
2. Be dignified yet make a remark that acknowledges that he ignored my message and that I hadn’t heard from him for 2, 3, 4, 12 weeks!!
3. Ignore his call and don’t call him back.

Write a list of things you’ve always wanted to do and start doing them
Good idea.

I will do some exercise.

I have gone off the rails with sugar this past week.

Imagine messaging him and him looking down at his phone thinking ‘ha, I knew she’d give in and contact me’.
Shudder

If he calls. Act bright and breezy.
But this scenario is going to play out time and time again. It becomes a game which is hard to exit and is pretty miserable to play. Is this how you want to spend some of your best years?

Do anything that makes you feel good short term. Exercise. Skin regime overhaul. New make up. Make an effort with other friends. Visit a local place you haven’t seen. Plan a break. But have it be about you.

I had a friend like this. He broke my heart. Move on, OP. Whilst you still have your dignity.

I had a friend like this. He broke my heart. Move on, OP. Whilst you still have your dignity.

Sage advice nespressowoo. I do feel like I still have my dignity intact. In the same way that he could deny having feelings for me and deny having led me on, I could quite plausibly deny having any feelings for him. I have never declared myself. I could have just been a keen, warm, slightly over-sharing (😱) friend.

Good ideas Halftermcoming, thank you. It’s hard not to link things back to him though. Like exercising, losing weight, beautification, etc, all to look more attractive in his eyes.

I need to ensure that I’m doing things just for me.

Is this how you want to spend some of your best years?
No, it’s not. But maybe I just let him lead on contact for a bit. If indeed he ever does contact me again.

I have found myself nesting. Strangely he has never actually been to my house (I have been to his), which is probably a good thing now. I’m getting everything just how I like it 🙂

And I promise you, you are ruling out men because of this half-relationship. It met SOME of yr needs so you compare other men disfavourably to him but when you detach properly you will see new male acquaintance through a lens in their own right iyswim

Ahhh, @PlipPlop7clocks - I had a man like this in my life. He behaved like yours does, word for word.

I had never felt so seen; so special; so deeply attracted to him. We had an uncommon bond.

He also kept his distance; warned me about himself; warmed up with the booze, only to back off in the cold light of day.

He gave me a tremendous gift. It wasn't him - no, I never got him (thank goodness!). Nope, he gave me fodder for session upon session, upon session, of therapy. Our relationship helped me to work through so much of my childhood: the promise of love; the distance; the pain; the longing; the moments of stinging abuse, small but significant; the unrequited love. Everything that my father was, incidentally.

What a gift! Now, I wouldn't touch him with a bargepole. Sure, I'd love to meet and chat again, because we always had a meeting of minds. But I don't think I'll see him again, and that's a-okay. But he simply doesn't attract me anymore, because the attraction factor was very much based on what he promised, rather than what he delivered. Just like my childhood.

My 2c, for what they're worth.

Funny you say that @AFistfulofDolores1 because "my" ambivalent friend who told me that he didnt want a relationship or a girlfriend (but who then ignored all of the normal boundaries between friendship and a relationship without an iota of guilt) he was the catalyst for me realising that because my mother just wasnt that in to me, i only felt thrilled by men who wouldnt commit. I read up on attachment styles and childhood emotional neglect. My mother invalidated my thoughts and feels and got annoyed with me if i asked for anything. My dad was depressed. Like, severely. In and out of psych during my teens. So. In one way I have to thank that friend from four years ago. He was the lesson I needed to learn. What is so weird is that my former friend gave me a book by james hollis phd "in search of the magical other" and he leant it to me. His agenda there i felt was to show how it was foolish, mundane, flawed and doomed to look for magic from another person. Ie he subtly revered the Buddhist non attachment idea, as he saw it. Load of shit as it turned out though because as soon as i saw sense and walked away from him he found a girlfriend. Somebody HE chose to label and value as a gf. So the book he gave me and the misintetpretation of a Buddhist idea was to serve his own agenda. Make me feel that i was just conditioned by soxiety to believe i wanted a relationship, when really, i should be above such mundanity!!
But as it happened, i read something in the book he leant me which made me see things clearly. I told him my epiphany, and he muttered "shit" under his breath. I kid you not. If any friend pf mine had a realisation that would serve them well, id be happy! I wouldnt mutter 'shit' under my breath.

Wow, @31RueCambon - Hollis's book changed my life and my view of relationships in a (very, very uncomfortable) instant. I came to it via my friend too - because he was a therapist and loved Jung. So he introduced me to Jung, too, and I am grateful to him for that.

And ivalso felt like i had a great bond with that guy. He knew me very well. I showed up very authentically for him and he just took what he wanted and left the rest.

I know i will never end up pining after somebody who isnt fully there for me.

So you are right to describe it as a gift!

I hope you look back on this OP as the lesson that was sent to you, and from then on, everything changrd

And, @31RueCambon, this man was a Buddhist too. I'm sure it's not the same person, but who knows?!