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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please stop me texting him again

375 replies

PlipPlop7clocks · 01/08/2019 21:13

So I have a bit of an on/off, does he/doesn’t he relationship with a close male friend. I texted him on Tuesday night suggesting we catch up the following day but he never replied. It was a light, breezy, fun message. There is no reason why he shouldn’t have replied.

I’m making all kinds of excuses for him. Maybe he never saw the message. Maybe it never arrived. Maybe he’s upset with me for some reason. Maybe he doesn’t feel the way I thought he felt about me. Maybe he’s trying to tell me to go away without actually saying it.

I’m normally the kind of person that would follow up with another text a few days later but I’m pretty sure this guy knows exactly how I feel about him. He likes having me as an admirer. He likes the ego boost. He likes never having to initiate contact because I always give in and text him first.

So my plan is not to send another message. To just wait.

Please help me stay strong.

OP posts:
Halftermcoming · 05/08/2019 17:46

Op, this guy likes what you provide for him. Always there, interested in him, listen intently, massage his ego and he can even laugh and put you down and you still keep bouncing back to him. Everything is on his terms, whilst you feel rubbish, off balance and start to lose your send respect. He cares about what you do for him but not you as a person.
It will be hard to tear yourself away as you’ve got yourself into this addictive unpleasant cycle. But you can if you really want to and by doing so you will show yourself (and him!) that you are worth far more.

Halftermcoming · 05/08/2019 17:48

These type of men get so used to taking, they feel insulted if you dare ask for anything back and make you feel totally out of order.

31RueCambon · 05/08/2019 17:51

I dont think you necessarily meant 'so little' to him, but Id say he senses that the goal posts have changed. Ie, That you either want to be completely honest about how you feel and what you want(ed) and/or the request the same level of disclosure from him.

He doesnt want to go near that conversation. He doesnt want that level of intimacy. He never did. He wanted to enjoy your company but you are not the person he knows he wants to cherish above all others.

31RueCambon · 05/08/2019 17:53

And he doesnt want to go near aconversation with you when he can sense your bravery to have this conversation.

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 05/08/2019 18:42

Always there, interested in him, listen intently, massage his ego and he can even laugh and put you down and you still keep bouncing back to him.
Yes this is exactly what it’s like.

OP posts:
Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 05/08/2019 18:44

These type of men get so used to taking, they feel insulted if you dare ask for anything back and make you feel totally out of order.
This really rings true. He doesn’t take criticism at all well.

OP posts:
Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 05/08/2019 18:46

He doesnt want to go near that conversation
The funny thing is that I think he wants me to tell him how I feel about him, purely for the ego boost. He says to me that he thinks there’s someone who I fancy and he’s going to find out who it is (he says with a coy smile and almost a wink).

OP posts:
Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 05/08/2019 18:47

you are not the person he knows he wants to cherish above all others.
I’m beginning to wonder whether he actually has the capacity to feel that way about someone else. He’s a very, very rational person who doesn’t really believe in love as such. He’s nearly 40 but has never been in love he says.

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Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 05/08/2019 18:48

And he doesnt want to go near a conversation with you when he can sense your bravery to have this conversation.
Chances are he doesn’t want a scene. More likely he’s probably just not thinking about me at all.

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Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 05/08/2019 18:50

Another thing that I wanted to say which probably doesn’t make a huge amount of sense but it’s a feeling that I have. I suspect that he has some feelings of guilt about me which cause him to be suspicious about karma. And with his Dad being ill at the moment, I do wonder whether he’s scared to contact me in case I jinx the fragile situation of his Dad’s health. I know that sounds mad but he does make me feel that way.

OP posts:
LuckyLou7 · 05/08/2019 20:01

He's told you he's never been in love, therefore he is not in love with you. He's told you he thinks you fancy someone - he's almost telling you without words he hopes it's not him. Cut your losses and walk away from this man, he's going to break your heart.

fandabbyfannyflutters · 05/08/2019 20:07

I just think some people totally get off on the attention of having someone like you after them. Try starving him of that and see what happens

Halftermcoming · 05/08/2019 20:08

He wants you to tell him you fancy him. What a knob. So you can inflate his ego even more. But I don’t think he has any intention of taking it further. He’ll throw you a few crumbs here and there so you don’t get fed up of him. But he thinks you’re a sure thing. Don’t be.

31RueCambon · 05/08/2019 20:23

Oh boy, the more I hear, the more I think you should get out there and line up some ACTUAL dates. I did OLD and although nothing long term came of it for me, I was older. I'm with somebody now and I probably wouldn't be if OLD hadn't made me a bit braver. Or join a meet up if you're not up for OLD. But definitely rinse him out of your head by meeting up with a few other guys.

MargotsFlounceyBlouse · 05/08/2019 20:29

He's enjoying the attention but he really isn't paying attention to you. I agree with those who say bin him.

31RueCambon · 05/08/2019 20:44

Typed all this out on my phone already and lost it so i must really want to share it! But finally, dont be so convinced that he doesnt do girlfriends.
I really believed that man i was so close to 4 years ago. I believed him that he didnt want a relationship (even though doh we were having one it just had no label 🙈) but one weekend i met up with him after a break of 6 months, which i had initiated finally. He was grumpy and i wondered why id ever thought he was so great. But he said somethingvthat didnt add up and i did some digging online. It turned out he had had a girlfriend in this period. Somebody he was happy to label a gf. But even after our whateveritwas was over he still didnt mention her. I only found out because i knew his screen name on a forum he posted on. I was shellshocked. He would say he never lied to me but i felt so duped and used.

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 05/08/2019 21:22

He's told you he's never been in love, therefore he is not in love with you.
Agreed.

He's told you he thinks you fancy someone - he's almost telling you without words he hopes it's not him.
I think he really really wants it to be him for the ego boost. He can’t see it from my perspective because I think he’s not the most empathetic person in the world. I think he’s the polar opposite of me when it comes to ‘love’. I’m all about the heart, emotions, romance, etc. For him it’s all about the head and choosing a partner as a rational choice. I think he’s fascinated by how I think about things because it’s so different to him.

Cut your losses and walk away from this man, he's going to break your heart.
Agreed. I think he already has.

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Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 05/08/2019 21:26

Try starving him of that and see what happens.
I think what will happen is that he’ll miss how I make him feel but he has fallen into this pattern of me leading on contact. So now, him contacting me just isn’t the done thing. So he’ll just let the friendship die.

I can’t remember if I said upthread but he once told me that he’s the kind of person who follows the path of least resistance. So the easiest thing is not to contact me. He has spent his whole life that way. That’s how he fell into his career. I think that’s how he got with past girlfriends - I presume so anyway.

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Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 05/08/2019 21:27

But he thinks you’re a sure thing. Don’t be.
That’s what I’m planning to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 05/08/2019 21:29

31RueCambon yes, I need to get out and about. I have arranged lots of catch ups with other friends who I haven’t seen for a while.

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Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 05/08/2019 21:30

31RueCambon your story is awful. He sounds like he really messed you around.

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waterrat · 05/08/2019 21:37

Gosh op this man is stealing time and energy that you can spend better by looking for someone who feels the same way about you that you feel about them

I've been where you are...my lightbulb moment came when I realised that every minute I spent with him was time I could have been out there looking for and meeting someone who loved and fancied me in abundance.

Good luck moving forward and I always say...if you have never had therapy perhaps consider it as you are allowing this man to make you feel horrible and that is rooted in lack of self confidence

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 05/08/2019 21:51

you are allowing this man to make you feel horrible and that is rooted in lack of self confidence
I don’t feel horrible as such. I just missed him because we have such great conversations and so many common interests that I want to continue to share with him. But I won’t.

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 05/08/2019 22:08

This isn't just the matter of you secretly fancying him. Even if you didn't, he sounds like he's a shit friend. Is he REALLY your best friend? You need to get some new ones!

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 05/08/2019 22:24

Ha! Yes he’s really my best friend and I think I have been focusing on the negatives on this thread because I’m trying to stop myself fancying him. He’s been there for me through some really difficult times. He makes me laugh. He’s very warm. I really really enjoy his company.

OP posts: