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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

These things have happened. Am I being sensitive?

251 replies

Tumbleweedmoments · 01/08/2019 09:04

Not sure if I’m being too sensitive and reading in to things. My DP of 5 months has started saying the following things:

Am I going to get a fake tan for holiday? I’ve said no a few times as for me personally I just don’t like actually getting it done, although I get the effects can look good! It’s just not for me.

Am I going to get a full wax? I do have hair down there and maybe a little more than most but it’s not overgrown and I keep it trim! He’s offered to pay and brings it up every week or so.

He’s told me he doesn’t know any women who would want a hairy arsehole. He’s only ventured there a couple of times but there’s no way I would wax it! I’ve told him this.

Why don’t I wear heels to work? Apparently every woman does. I have heels in the office and sometimes wear them if I feel like it. I’ve explained I never wear them to commute as it’s painful.

Why don’t I have a particular type of handbag that all girls have? This I found strange and just told him I couldn’t afford it and the handbag I have is actually far nicer and more expensive (not that that maters!)

Once during sex he was slipping out as I was on the bed and he wasn’t. He kept pulling me into him to reposition while sighing and getting annoyed asking why I kept moving away. I wasn’t, it was just the bed. He then pulled out in a rage when I got upset and wouldn’t speak to me.

Went to the beach for the day last week and on the way back we stopped at a bar. As we pulled up he asked if I was putting any male up on. I said no as I hadn’t brought any with me to the beach. He shook his head and said I knew we were stopping on the way back and this is a nice place he wanted to take me (I had known we were stopping). In the past at uni I would definitely had taken my make up. These days I am less bothered (I wear it a lot but don’t feel the need on a beach day). Maybe I am losing myself and he has a point? I would never have done that years ago with any of my ex’s. Perhaps men don’t like it in general and it’s not misty my DP.

He can be really kind and generous. He’s not mean with money and does nice things like cooks a nice meal or little surprises here and there. It is confusing and leads me to feel it’s my fault he is like this. I am quite emotionally aware and so it is possible I am being really sensitive like he says I am. I do pick up on things and read into things. I don’t want to ruin a relationship because I’m not relaxed enough, I want to work on that if it’s not fault or I am partly to blame. Please don’t hold back in your opinions. I need to know if this is me and how I can change my mindset. Thank you.

OP posts:
StormTreader · 01/08/2019 14:38

"Just to clarify when I answer back or defend myself he says he’s trying to help me and is just saying these things because it’s what most women do."

Its what most women IN PORN do. Not most actual real women, most "male fantasy porn actress" women.

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 01/08/2019 14:45

OP he's a narcissist and emotionally abusive. Him ignoring you for hours/days is called the silent treatment and it's a form of manipulation to punish you for not doing what he wants.

The reason he was so nice in the beginning is called love bombing. Emotionally abusive men do this at the start of the relationship (pretend to be everything you've ever wanted, the nicest, most complimentary, patient loving man you've ever met). They push for commitment fast and say they love you within weeks if not days. It's all a facade which they work very hard to build. The real him is the nasty side you see every now and again. They cant maintain this false nice persona for more than a few months (about 6 months is average).Believe me, whats hiding underneath is a monster and you would be horrified if you knew what you had really just let into your life. Him getting angry is narcissistic rage. Narcs cant handle even the slightest criticism (real or perceived) and I bet he was getting angry at you because he was angry he couldn't 'perform'. That's the essence of what narcs do. They never take responsibility for their own actions and always make it your fault somehow.

He doesnt see you as a person, is unable to love in the true sense and only values people for what he can get from them. It seems he wants to show you off like a doll so he can feel that it makes him look better. I dont care how much of those 'nice' bits are there at the moment, he's waiting until you are so beaten down by his constant criticisms that your self esteem is non existent and then he'll ramp up the abuse to full force. He will destroy your life if you let him.

I've dated several men like this, most have harassed and stalked me for months after ending the relationship so be prepared for that. Narcs all try to Hoover (suck you back in) after the relationship ends so you need to block him on everything.

Theres some excellent youtube videos on the topic

Snowfalling · 01/08/2019 14:46

Op, he's telling you you're not good enough as you are. It's upto you what you do with that information.

userabcname · 01/08/2019 14:46

He's a bastard. Bin him.
Fwiw I have never waxed down there, never wear heels to work and rarely wear make up. My DH never ever comments on any of it because he's not a dick. And if he did he wouldn't be my DH!
You are not a decoration / sex object. You are a person and clearly your boyfriend does not respect that. Tell him to wax his own arsehole and go back to the 1950s.

ohmydaysagain · 01/08/2019 14:47

He is a total twat Angry don't tie yourself to this man you will spend your life trying to please him and will never be able to.

1forAll74 · 01/08/2019 14:48

Its His mind and standards that need to change, you are your own woman.He does not sound like a properly nice guy,more like he is into celebrity watching and porn whatever. A manipulator and not a man for future wonderful things.. It should be easy to offload him after only a few months, so it's up to you !!

Pineapplefish · 01/08/2019 14:50

OP, it's not just once, it's multiple times and he sulks if you don't agree. Honestly he sounds like a misogynistic twat and I truly hope you can find the strength to dump him. He is not a nice person Sad

pallisers · 01/08/2019 14:55

Why would he say the mask is slipping, while upset, if he wasn’t a genuinely nice person deep down. That’s what confuses me, he must know he’s not being nice

He is not a genuinely nice person deep down. Knowing you aren't being nice isn't a sign of anything other than a small degree of insight.

Anyway who cares what he is deep down? He is being a shit to you and wants you to be someone you aren't. I'd have been having the "This isn't working but I wish you all the best goodbye" chat after the waxing comments tbh.

BloodyhellMartha · 01/08/2019 15:56

Just to clarify when I answer back or defend myself he says he’s trying to help me and is just saying these things because it’s what most women do."

And why the fuck would you want to be 'most women' even if that were true (which it's not). Why would you need his fucking help to mold yourself into most women instead of who you are?

He's an utter bell end and you need to get rid of him immediately. Wanker. Point out how small his dick is and how most of your boyfriend have been better endowed than him. Explain to him you are just trying to help by telling him what most men are like.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 01/08/2019 16:28

If he's got you thinking you aren't perfect or trying enough now, when you're young and newly into your relationship, what do you reckon the future holds? You'll get older, possibly fatter, droopier, what if you have children? Your beauty standards won't be the same when you have a small baby.

I'm middle aged, and have been with DH for half my life. He's never moaned about my appearance, he only ever says if I look nice. I'm lazy at grooming, I wear some makeup but not always, I've been fatter and thinner. We're both happy being us, no arbitrary or impossible standards. Could you spend your life trying to live up to his imposed beauty regimes or would you rather be loved for being you?

ithinkiammelting · 01/08/2019 16:45

it's what most women do No they don't. He is telling you that in order to completely destroy your confidence and self-esteem - what he wants is a cross between a blow-up sex doll and a slave who does exactly what he tells them to do.

For heaven's sake, everybody who has posted on this thread is telling you that he is despicable.

Get rid of him.

PickAChew · 01/08/2019 16:50

You need to ditch the prick. Negging, gaslighting, stonewalling - he has the full arsenal.

SignedUpJust4This · 01/08/2019 17:25

And also OP there's nothing wrong with you. This is a classic tactic of the insecure. He knows you are too good for him so he's chipping away at your self esteem so you never leave. Prize prick. Any ONE of those comments is a dumping offence. Put them all together and you have an insecure, abusive arsehole (nevermind a hairy one!)

C8H10N4O2 · 01/08/2019 17:40

It isn’t easy because he isn’t a monster all of the time

Yet.

MsDogLady · 01/08/2019 18:40

This man is trying to manipulate you into being his own Stepford Woman. Before long you will feel so diminished that you won’t even recognize yourself.

Minimize and downplay his coercion at your own peril.

Ginger1982 · 01/08/2019 18:51

Get rid now. Dump him right now!

GhostRidersInDisguise · 01/08/2019 19:47

Another poster here saying the same. He is working on you. Fade him. He is incapable of seeing you as anything but a possession. He is nice some of the time because if he wasn't you definitely would be gone. I had an ex that calculatedly would do just enough to keep me hanging around and no more. He was gobsmacked when I dumped him. I can see his type a mile off now.

Nonotmenori · 01/08/2019 20:03

I used to date a 'man' who would tell me things like you need to wax your top lip or have you waxed? I remember thinking at the time how sweet he doesn't want anyone thinking bad things about me. It was only until I was talking to my dad about how he'd said I needed to get my eyebrows waxed. My dad literally hit the roof. He explained to me that no decent man would ever concern himself with even noticing let alone mentioning it to a woman. And that he is abusive. That really hit home. He was ditched pretty soon after that and I've realised my dad is quite right. Step away from the abusive 'man' find one who wouldn't dream of telling you anything about your body.

rvby · 01/08/2019 20:11

Why would he say the mask is slipping, while upset, if he wasn’t a genuinely nice person deep down. That’s what confuses me, he must know he’s not being nice

Oh OP. You don't know how people's minds work, if these are the questions you are asking.

He says "the mask is slipping" and acting upset, because he wants you to feel sympathy and curiosity about what he's thinking/feeling. So that you don't stop to think about his behaviour towards you. This isn't brain surgery OP. He's seen you're a nice person who is a bit naive, and he's having a field day.

My ex did exactly the same to me. This isn't a special case, he's just a garden variety emotional abuser.

He can be a nice person generally / to others / etc., who prefers to use abusive tactics to keep "his woman" the way he wants her... that's what abusers are.

They're not monsters from fairy tales. They are regular seeming people, who can be very nice, who also can use extremely upsetting, demoralizing, hurtful techniques to break down their partner and make them dependent on them for approval, etc. They will almost always be very nice in between these episodes... otherwise how would they keep the partner from leaving?

You need to educate yourself about how abuse works.
It's not a case of being locked in a basement being beaten and shouted at for days on end. If it were, you'd run at the slightest opportunity which is not what he wants.

Abusive relationships typically include a lovely day, lots of loving behaviour, and then he turns his nose up at you for not wearing makeup / waxing your undercarriage / wearing heels / looking "like other women". That's literally what abuse is like, what you're describing is textbook abusive behaviour.

chickenyhead · 01/08/2019 20:15

Wow, never had a man so clued up on handbags!!! He is comparing you to someone else either real or imagined.

Either way he has no respect for you as an individual.

RUN AWAY AND NEVER EVER LOOK BACK

happytoday73 · 01/08/2019 20:18

This will only get worse. Please get out now.
Some women are happy to spend more and more time as they get older trying to meet their partners expectations of how they should look. Very hard with pregnancy and aging process.

If you are not... Please get rid now while you can.. He will control you more and more... Till you lose your sense of who you are... And then he possibly trades you in for someone younger.. Fitting his ideal...

KatharinaRosalie · 01/08/2019 20:18

of course abusers are not monsters ALL the time. Who would stay with them then? But an acceptable level of being a monster is ZERO.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 01/08/2019 20:23

How on Earth have you managed to stay with him for 5 months? You need to increase your expectations.

MrsGarethSouthgate · 01/08/2019 20:24

I've seen the post about 'most women wouldn't want a hairy arsehole' on here at some point in the last 12 months. Presumably posted by his last girlfriend before she got out?

Gladiolus45 · 01/08/2019 20:25

Ugh sounds a bit like my exH - he doesn't care about you as a person, he wants a female accessory (and quite a cliched TOWIE one too by the sound of things).

You can do much better.