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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

These things have happened. Am I being sensitive?

251 replies

Tumbleweedmoments · 01/08/2019 09:04

Not sure if I’m being too sensitive and reading in to things. My DP of 5 months has started saying the following things:

Am I going to get a fake tan for holiday? I’ve said no a few times as for me personally I just don’t like actually getting it done, although I get the effects can look good! It’s just not for me.

Am I going to get a full wax? I do have hair down there and maybe a little more than most but it’s not overgrown and I keep it trim! He’s offered to pay and brings it up every week or so.

He’s told me he doesn’t know any women who would want a hairy arsehole. He’s only ventured there a couple of times but there’s no way I would wax it! I’ve told him this.

Why don’t I wear heels to work? Apparently every woman does. I have heels in the office and sometimes wear them if I feel like it. I’ve explained I never wear them to commute as it’s painful.

Why don’t I have a particular type of handbag that all girls have? This I found strange and just told him I couldn’t afford it and the handbag I have is actually far nicer and more expensive (not that that maters!)

Once during sex he was slipping out as I was on the bed and he wasn’t. He kept pulling me into him to reposition while sighing and getting annoyed asking why I kept moving away. I wasn’t, it was just the bed. He then pulled out in a rage when I got upset and wouldn’t speak to me.

Went to the beach for the day last week and on the way back we stopped at a bar. As we pulled up he asked if I was putting any male up on. I said no as I hadn’t brought any with me to the beach. He shook his head and said I knew we were stopping on the way back and this is a nice place he wanted to take me (I had known we were stopping). In the past at uni I would definitely had taken my make up. These days I am less bothered (I wear it a lot but don’t feel the need on a beach day). Maybe I am losing myself and he has a point? I would never have done that years ago with any of my ex’s. Perhaps men don’t like it in general and it’s not misty my DP.

He can be really kind and generous. He’s not mean with money and does nice things like cooks a nice meal or little surprises here and there. It is confusing and leads me to feel it’s my fault he is like this. I am quite emotionally aware and so it is possible I am being really sensitive like he says I am. I do pick up on things and read into things. I don’t want to ruin a relationship because I’m not relaxed enough, I want to work on that if it’s not fault or I am partly to blame. Please don’t hold back in your opinions. I need to know if this is me and how I can change my mindset. Thank you.

OP posts:
Orangepancakes · 01/08/2019 11:42

Jesus that's horrible. He sounds disgusting.

I can guarantee that your DP doesn't know a fucking thing about 'most women'.

Ask him why he doesn't wax his genitals and then tell him it's disgusting because 'most men' do it. Ask why he's not really muscley and beardy like 'most men', as in, like ridiculous television stereotypes. As him why he doesn't look like Jason Momoa.. Just flip the situation around and make him see how much of a double standard douchebag he is being.

Or better, just leave the fucker.

It's genuinely worrying that he is like this so early on. He will shatter your confidence in time.

My DP would never comment on those things and quite rightly reassures me when I worry about having hairy legs, no makeup etc.

You DP is living in a very unrealistic, childish world. I agree with pp, buy him a Barbie to stare at whilst you go and find a decent man!

RedDogsBeg · 01/08/2019 11:43

Why would he say the mask is slipping, while upset, if he wasn’t a genuinely nice person deep down.

That's a very strange interpretation of that comment OP, he is telling you his mask is slipping and revealing the fact he is NOT a genuinely nice person deep down. Listen to what he is saying, listen to the warnings he is giving you, look at his actions, this is not the behaviour of a nice decent person.

TherapistInATabard · 01/08/2019 11:47

The mask is the 'nice person' and deep down (actually not very deep at all, just beneath the mask in fact) is a monster.

Are you taking on board any of these comments? I could understand struggling to get to grips with how abusive he actually is after 5 years of a mask slowly slipping, but 5 months? Get out now!

maet · 01/08/2019 11:47

Oh wow just read the update. He's abusive. He knows he's not being kind to you. He knows he's treating you in an abusive manner. Please leave him. You don't need this in your life. Nobody does.

TherapistInATabard · 01/08/2019 11:48

And I take it you're not living together. Ditching him will be as easy as pie. He'll probably say more horrible things but that's his problem not yours.

7salmonswimming · 01/08/2019 11:55

Your radar is way off. This behaviour from him and your reactions are so far from healthy, it couldn’t be much worse.

You need to get rid of this man, then take some time to work out why you have such low self-esteem.

Shoxfordian · 01/08/2019 11:55

He should buy a blowup doll instead
He's sexist and he's trying to change you
Dump him

KittyBaxter · 01/08/2019 11:59

Jesus. Dump him NOW.

Please be single for a while and work on your self esteem.

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 01/08/2019 12:00

"The mask is slipping".

I can't believe you even have to ask whether you should dump him, get rid of him!

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 01/08/2019 12:00

OP, the only thing you're doing wrong is staying with him. Please heed the advice & warnings here. Please trust your gut which is screaming at you that this is not right. You don't even have sunken costs to worry about, you're only 5 months in! Let him be a blip - a brief and bad mistake and a very lucky escape. Bin him, and move on.

zen1 · 01/08/2019 12:03

He’s an arsehole. Don’t put up with it for a moment longer - you’re worth much more than this.

RumpoleoftheBaileys · 01/08/2019 12:08

He’s saying ‘the mask is slipping’ as he knows he is not a good person and knows he has shown you who he really is. His niceness is the mask.

Run, fast.

itsnotawatercat · 01/08/2019 12:11

I’m not relaxed enough, I want to work on that if it’s not fault or I am partly to blame. Please don’t hold back in your opinions. I need to know if this is me and how I can change my mindset

Yes, the problem is 100% you and your mindset.

The problem is that this guy is being an absolute dick to you, and instead of recognising it, getting rid of him and moving on, you are doing mental gymnastics to try to work out how to make it your fault, and bend your personality and psyche so as to continue in this relationship.

This is very dangerous. It leaves you ripe for abuse. Abusive men will recognise this character flaw in you and hone in on it. You risk ending up in a really screwed up relationship where you don't know which way is up, being terribly badly treated but thinking it must all be you, because your partner is nice to you on the surface, and says it's your fault.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I recognise this, because I used to be you. I only learnt my lesson after years wasted in an abusive relationship.

Please. leave this guy and do some serious work on your mindset. Would you ever treat him like this? Of course not!! So why are you making excuses for him?

Why aren't you better at looking out for your own interests? You need to work this out, for your own self preservation. (Female socialisation may well have a lot to do with it, maybe start by researching that).

Good luck, you deserve so much better than this. Please, find your backbone and tell this guy to fuck off Flowers

The getting angry in sex thing is very worrying btw. Please don't let this guy talk you round. He's irredeemable.

Highandlow · 01/08/2019 12:12

Controlling and potentially abusive. I used to love all the above fake tan etc make up , now can't be bothered and I think some blokes like how low maintenance I am. You deserve better and should only do things fir you , not him.

sadkoala · 01/08/2019 12:13

FFS OP the PPs cannot be any clearer on here !

Stop questioning why he does things. He does them because in reality he is a grade A twat who pretended to be nice for the first few weeks of your relationship to get you hooked.
He is not and never was a nice person. If you stay with him you will be miserable for the foreseeable future and he will grind down your confidence to dust.
You don't need a reason for "why" he does this or that.

He is a misogynystic twatface who has luckily shown you his true vile self now, before you got seriously involved or pregnant.

RUN for the fucking hills before it's too late.

DO NOT get stuck in this cycle of bullshit unless you want to be utterly miserable. You cannot fix him. He is vile and you can do better.

Pick your confidence up off the ground and walk the hell away.

Bananalanacake · 01/08/2019 12:22

You don't live together so it's easy to get rid of him. Next time he ignores you for days, breathe a sigh of relief and hope you don't see him again.

itsnotawatercat · 01/08/2019 12:23

Why would he say the mask is slipping, while upset, if he wasn’t a genuinely nice person deep down. That’s what confuses me, he must know he’s not being nice

Stop it! Stop trying to see the nice person in him. This aspect of your personality is very dangerous to you.

He said it, because he meant it. Why do you think someone knowing they're not being nice, is evidence of them being nice? You are very naive about the world and about other people. Some people - many of whom are perfectly capable of being nice to you on the surface - will enjoy the power they hold over you by seeing they can make you suffer.

When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time!

YellowsAndPinks · 01/08/2019 12:28

My ex was like this FH is nothing like this at all. Not all men are like this. He sounds very unpleasant and as you've only been together 5 months of probably call it quits and find someone less chauvinistic.

Pharlapwasthebest · 01/08/2019 12:31

Op. You have to put yourself first, at the moment you are putting him first. You are the most important person in this relationship, treat yourself like you are and get out.
He is breaking you down, reducing you to something he can control. Do you want that?
Do you want to be his puppet, do you want to constantly walk on eggshells, do you want to be moulded into a shadow of yourself.
Love and value yourself and get rid of him, at 5 months in, it can only get worse.
Don’t kid yourself that you can change yourself or him to fix this relationship. The relationship isn't worth fixing.

lilmishap · 01/08/2019 12:31

Have you asked him outright if he has an interest in being Transgender?
He spends an unhealthy amount of time thinking about Womens appearance and not in the normal way

itsnotawatercat · 01/08/2019 12:32

Others don't necessarily want you to suffer, but don't care so much if you do, their driving force is wanting to control you.

This man sounds very much like that. He wants to control you. The makeup is just the start. There is no way you can change him, this impulse runs too deep, and you can't appeal to his better nature. He will tell you what you want to hear and carry on trying to control you.

Dumakey · 01/08/2019 12:33

I don't think the op is taking any of this advice onboard.

frijolesssss · 01/08/2019 12:36

RED FLAG ALERT! Bet he watches lots of porn. He sounds really gullible and immature. Find someone decent!

frijolesssss · 01/08/2019 12:38

Ignoring you to manipulate you into changing your behaviour or provoking a response is emotional abuse. He's a child.

NerdyBird · 01/08/2019 12:52

He's abusive. He is not nice, his nice mask is slipping.
Most women very definitely do not do the things he is claiming - I am not fake tanned, don't wax, don't wear heels and don't carry whatever handbag he's on about. Sometimes I wear makeup.
DH would never dream of insisting I do any of those things, neither would he comment if I didn't.

Please just dump him, and block all forms of contact.