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Original poster

DP "abused" my credit card and now I have to pay it off to get a mortgage

141 replies

Enzavarez · 31/07/2019 10:28

DP and l have never been equals financially and I've always been ok with that.

We never had a clear conversation about money, although we came with a number we were both comfortable with in terms of a monthly contribution.

So he didn't have to ask for my debit card all the time I gave him a credit card for top up shops and things like that. Well, it turns out we at least spent £2k on things I never authorised.

We're thinking of buying a house and part of being able to secure the mortgage is to clear that credit card. We also need to pay off a loan he had with his exW for a sofa. Both things probably add to about £3k.

I'm at a loss as to what to do next, I can "make" him pay me, but I don't see how that would.work. I could protect myself and add in the title deeds that I gave more deposit and thus more house, but I don't even know if that's possible.

He's really wonderful apart from that, I just need to control his finances as he seems to have the money IQ of a 3 year old.

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 31/07/2019 10:34

Does he not have his own debit card? He shouldnt have had your credit card/ pin either

Bananalanacake · 31/07/2019 10:34

Could you afford to buy a place on your own, I would never trust someone like this. You say DP, it's good you're not married.

user1493413286 · 31/07/2019 10:40

I don’t understand why you have to make him pay you; is he not willing to? My DH just pays me back if he owes me money even if it takes a couple of months but it’s always things I’ve agreed to.
Can you not just say to him that he needs to pay you back a set amount each month?
With a house you can be tenants in common rather than joint owners which means that you own more of the house than he does; I would definitely go down that route. Although to be honest if he’s not willing to pay you back I wouldn’t be buying a house with him.

Original poster
Enzavarez · 31/07/2019 10:42

He has his own debit card, but he gives me his contribution, so the CC was so he would take it from the "common pot" so to speak.

I can afford to buy it on my own , but need him to get a big enoughloan. In other words I can pay the monthly payment, but because most 1/3 of my income is part of a "trust", it doesn't count in the mortgage calculator.

OP posts:
Original poster
Enzavarez · 31/07/2019 10:43

Is not that he's not willing to pay me back, but he'd have to find cash in hand work outside of his FT job and he's been able to do it every now and then but it has proven. To be unreliable

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 31/07/2019 10:45

There is no way on this earth that I would buy a house with him. Why the hell should you pay off a sofa he bought with his ex? Why the hell was he using your credit card for unauthorised purchases?

I was going to ask what his salary/contributions are compared to yours but actually it doesn't matter. I would never, ever buy with a guy like that. Honestly, I think you must be mad.

magoria · 31/07/2019 10:45

Why the hell are you considering buying into a massive commitment with a person who spent £2k on your cards without permission and owes credit on historical purchases with another person? Someone you would have to make pay you it back!

This isn't going to get better once you have a mortgage and are tied to him.

onanothertrain · 31/07/2019 10:46

Do you mean that you earn more than him?
If you have to give him money for shopping why don't you both review what he is contributing monthly - is it too much?
What has he bought with the credit card that you haven't authorised?
You really need to have a frank discussion about this and come to a fair arrangement before buying a house together.

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2019 10:49

Fucking hell. You gave him a credit card, he asks for your debit card and spends up without a second thought and you want to buy a house with him.

Cut off his free money, see how keen he is then.

Original poster
Enzavarez · 31/07/2019 10:50

I contribute to 2/3 of our monthly expenses at the very least.

I'm only doing it because I can't on my own (as nobody would lend me that money) If I could I would have 100% separate finances.

I don't mind contributing more, I feel he contributes in other things. But he bought his son a phone, tools, uniforms, his petrol, lunches and few other things. All things that should come from his OWN account.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 31/07/2019 10:52

He's stealing from you. End it.

MotherofTerriers · 31/07/2019 10:53

Wait and save up, buy somewhere smaller and cheaper - on your own. Don't buy with this man, don't tie yourself to him financially

TrafficJamz · 31/07/2019 10:54

I think these replies are so harsh on your DP. OP do you need him on the mortgage in order to borrow more? If not then I would buy it in your name only. Obviously you’ll have to be careful about contributions he makes in that case, as he could end up with an interest in the house in the long run just by having made monthly payments to the running of the home.

As for lending him the credit card. Just don’t. If you need ‘top up’ things then you be the one to sort that.

The sofa...presumably you have the sofa now. I don’t see why you helping to pay it off, if you have the moment, is a bad thing.

If your DP is wonderful in other ways then don’t let this be an issue between you. The only time I would worry would be if he was taking out loans without your knowledge. He’s not doing that so the credit card and sofa can be sorted out. I don’t see it as a big deal really.

TrafficJamz · 31/07/2019 10:54

Have the money not the moment!

TheABC · 31/07/2019 10:55

These are not red flags. They are flashing neon lights. Finances are one of the top reasons people break up and if he is not on the same page as you, resentment will build up.

I would personally stand back from buying a house together at the moment, save up and get a larger deposit so you can afford the mortgage on your own. Cut up the damn credit card. He is treating it like an ATM.

TrafficJamz · 31/07/2019 10:55

OP I didn’t see your recent post.

If he has bought his son things on your credit card then simply don’t give him the credit card. I don’t see this as stealing.

Original poster
Enzavarez · 31/07/2019 10:56

@Traffic yes you've got it right. The sofa is in his exW home.

The credit card thing got solved as soon as I took it away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Enzavarez · 31/07/2019 10:58

The reason for buying is because renting is 2x as much. I could be able to save for a larger deposit/wait until I get a better job but with a baby on the way just want to get this sorted ASAP

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 31/07/2019 10:59

What are the “unauthorised purchases”? Are they things he is wasting money on or is he having to use the credit card for things for himself which aren’t really luxuries because he doesn’t have enough of his own money? I think it matters which (and if the roles were reversed, a woman in your DP’s position would be told she should have equal access to all money, not just a credit card for shopping.)

But if he’s wasting money on frivolous things and can’t control his spending then it’s simple - you buy the house on your own and he contributes towards living expenses. Just don’t intertwine your finances.

Apolloanddaphne · 31/07/2019 11:01

I would not be buying a house with someone who cannot manage his finances and has used a credit card inappropriately. That is utter madness and will not end well.

EileenAlanna · 31/07/2019 11:01

He's taking you for a ride. How long have you been with him? Please say that you've taken the card off him.

Original poster
Enzavarez · 31/07/2019 11:01

@ComtesseDeSpair for the most part it's the former. However if he spent say £300-500 in commute costs and lunches. Where did that money go? As he'd usually buy it from his own debit card.

OP posts:
Weezol · 31/07/2019 11:01

You can't trust him with money so don't put him on a mortgage that he can leverage loans against. You'll be right up the creek.

Apolloanddaphne · 31/07/2019 11:02

Oh, you are pregnant too. What a pickle. Will you have a reduced wage when you are on ML? How will you manage then?

LemonTT · 31/07/2019 11:02

I don’t think the relationships board is the place for the mortgage and debt issue. Whatever it is you intend to do and I’m not clear about that it is related to you financial circumstances as they are.

Having a balance on your credit card has impacted on the amount you can borrow. The lenders are telling you to pay it off. If you are buying as couple then shifting this debt around won’t help. You both need to find the money to clear the debt.

If you are buying on you own, then you need him to pay you back any element of the £2k that is his alone. I suspect that this is far from cut and dry. You seem to have allowed him to use the card for incidentals for your life together and he has. Didn’t you look at your statements?

This whole situation tells me you are not in the right place with this man to plan a future together. Forget about buying a home together. Clear the debts that you have both run up, him directly and you by allowing him to use the card without boundaries and checks.

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