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Original poster

DP "abused" my credit card and now I have to pay it off to get a mortgage

141 replies

Enzavarez · 31/07/2019 10:28

DP and l have never been equals financially and I've always been ok with that.

We never had a clear conversation about money, although we came with a number we were both comfortable with in terms of a monthly contribution.

So he didn't have to ask for my debit card all the time I gave him a credit card for top up shops and things like that. Well, it turns out we at least spent £2k on things I never authorised.

We're thinking of buying a house and part of being able to secure the mortgage is to clear that credit card. We also need to pay off a loan he had with his exW for a sofa. Both things probably add to about £3k.

I'm at a loss as to what to do next, I can "make" him pay me, but I don't see how that would.work. I could protect myself and add in the title deeds that I gave more deposit and thus more house, but I don't even know if that's possible.

He's really wonderful apart from that, I just need to control his finances as he seems to have the money IQ of a 3 year old.

OP posts:
SillyNameChanger · 31/07/2019 11:39

What I don't know if this is down to the lender or the conveyancer/solicitor

You should get a form for a deed of trust where you can specify everything from the share you own down to how much who is contributing to what. The level of detail is your choice.

VeThings · 31/07/2019 11:49

Ask the conveyancer/solicitor how to ensure you have a %split as tenants in common, with the %higher for you as a reflection of your higher deposit and contributions.

Also make sure you have a will that leaves everything equally to your DC (whether born now or in the future) and what would happen to any equity. Eg would your DP be able to use it to bring them up, would he stay in the house until they are 18/21 and then sell so that the DC get their share, etc?

It’s a headache but totally worth it to give you peace of mind and know your DC will be taken care of. A solicitor or will writer will help you work through the scenarios.

SpaceDinosaur · 31/07/2019 12:02

How long is left on the store credit? How long will it take for him to pay off his ex wife's furnishing?

Yeah, I'd be completely financially independent of this womble.

"Access to the mutual pot"
Get a Monzo account. No overdraft. You can both use it and monitor usage but no ability to rack up £2k in selfish personal spending.

Just a joint current account which you both transfer in to.

Original poster
Enzavarez · 31/07/2019 12:06

I believe he still has 1 year left at the very least. That's what we got a joint monzo card and it has definitely helped. He contributes more with top up shops and obviously can't go above it, a win-win so far.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 31/07/2019 12:13

Come on, OP.

You KNOW this man will bleed you dry.

He's already doing it. If you hadn't found out he would've continued to do it.

Please be careful now. You're pregnant and need to be very, very careful about your money. Separate from him financially at least.

NotBeingRobbed · 31/07/2019 12:22

What a mess. Yes, he will bleed you dry. Even if you can sort it all now he will take you to the cleaners eventually - in 10 years, 20? He’ll have your house and pension off you and leave you with kids to support. GET OUT NOW.

candycane222 · 31/07/2019 12:24

I cannot imagine sharing my finances with someone who wasn't completely open about their spending, and regularly checked that I was OK with thier income and expendigture, just as I did with them. That doesn't meen weekly sessions with a spreadsheet necessarily, but definitely never any nasty surprises like you have had.

I would find that unannounced (sly?) shift in his spending from his own money to the shared card very suspicious. It would make me wonder if there was some otehr sisue with his personal account that was causing difficulties. You definitely need to get to the bottom of this. From the outside it certainly looks very worrying.

SouthernComforts · 31/07/2019 12:27

What a mess. He's an idiot, and you're having a baby with him?? Not a wise decision but I'd be focusing on damage limitation now. Can you buy a smaller house in your sole name? I would not be getting any more joint debts this bloke.

M0RVEN · 31/07/2019 12:29

So you have a regular income from a trust ? I assume this was set up for you by your parents or grandparents?

Gosh this man saw you coming! Don’t buy a house with him.

Don’t marry him.

I’m also say don't have a baby with him but it’s too late for that.

gamerchick · 31/07/2019 12:42

Looks like you're going to learn many lessons about this man on this journey OP. Good luck.

ChuckleBuckles · 31/07/2019 12:44

Ive never been fully aware of his financial situation, but he's promised to give me more and has never done it, so I just don't count on it.

These were his work uniforms btw, which he said he'll claim back from work, but never saw a penny

So you don't know about his finances,
You feel you cannot rely on him,
He is spending your money on work items that he can claim that money back for and he is not repaying that money,
He is paying for commuting and lunches out of your money not his,
You are paying for his exw sofa,

Come on OP, he has shown you clearly who he is, he obviously feels that you are the responsible adult/parent that has to provide for him, his money is his own but your money is also his.
Do not buy a house with him, do not share finances with him, he is feathering his nest at your expense.
You have a responsibility to provide for your child now, you cannot rely on this man for that and he now thinks he has got you where he wants you and you will not leave due to the baby, if you stay this will be your life, he will put you in debt and drain what resources you have, you will be the one telling your child that they can't do something or have something their friends have as daddy has spent your money on "stuff"

Original poster
Enzavarez · 31/07/2019 12:50

I can't buy anything on my own unless it's a small BTL flat but to me that seems like a moot point as all I want is to pay less rent.

Yes, my uncle when he died left a trust in my name.

OP posts:
Figgygal · 31/07/2019 12:54

What on earth are you buying a house with him for? Seriously bad idea

Original poster
Enzavarez · 31/07/2019 13:03

Because nobody would lend me the money I need unless I get a joint mortgage that's why.

OP posts:
candycane222 · 31/07/2019 13:10

Not sure getting a joint mortgage with him, even if it gives you access to a bigger place in the short term, will help you in the long run.

I get that with a baby on the way you'd like to be secure in a comfortable family-sized home: but how secure and comfortable will you be ultimately, tied to someone whose attitude to, and behaviour with, joint money and joint liabilities, you can't trust?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/07/2019 13:10

He will simply continue to bleed you dry and he certainly saw you coming. How low has your relationship bar been here?.

How well do you know this bloke at all?. You have not made wise choices at all here.

Having a baby by him now is certainly not one of your better decisions either, Do not give this baby his surname, give this child your surname instead.

M0RVEN · 31/07/2019 13:17

Why would you buy a flat to let out ? Just buy a small place on your own.

Original poster
Enzavarez · 31/07/2019 13:19

He helps and is great in other ways. The whole credit card thing is a mess and shouldn't have done it, to.make it.worse I had to confront him on my birthday because it really pissed me off that "I" bought my birthday present (ie with my CC).

He's the most easy going person I know.

The solution to this mess is clearly to have a joint account and me managing the money for him, not pleasant but that's the only o can guarantee things are taken care of.

OP posts:
SillyNameChanger · 31/07/2019 13:21

The solution to this mess is clearly to have a joint account and me managing the money for him, not pleasant but that's the only o can guarantee things are taken care of.

I don't think that treating another adult like a child is the solution either. That kind of paternalistic behaviour will breed resentment.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 31/07/2019 13:23

Honestly OP I think different attitudes to money can be one of the biggest red flags for a relationship failing. (And I say that from bitter experience.) If you get a mortgage with this man he will likely wreck your credit rating along with his own. And that’s before all the arguments and lack of trust over spending. Can you really see the relationship lasting for the 25-30 year life of a mortgage? I know it’s not what you want to hear with a baby on the way, but think really really carefully about what you do next. Flowers

Original poster
Enzavarez · 31/07/2019 13:23

I 100% agree SillyNameChanger but what else can be done?

I could see how it goes and if it's a mess, then resort to that.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 31/07/2019 13:24

The solution to a mess is NEVER to buy a home with someone who is financially incontinent.

magoria · 31/07/2019 13:25

That is the worst solution.

He is easy going because you are handing him money on a plate.

Better to rent and have independent secure finances than tie yourself with a man who will probably rack up debt you have to add to the mortgage eventually.

katewhinesalot · 31/07/2019 13:26

Don't get married to him whatever you do.

Original poster
Enzavarez · 31/07/2019 13:26

His credit score is top notch, he's never had muchonwy and I think the new found "freedom" of the credit card was too much for him.

I could wait until he somehow pays me back and then get a Mortgage but I really just want to reduce my outgoings asap.

OP posts:
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