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Original poster

DP "abused" my credit card and now I have to pay it off to get a mortgage

141 replies

Enzavarez · 31/07/2019 10:28

DP and l have never been equals financially and I've always been ok with that.

We never had a clear conversation about money, although we came with a number we were both comfortable with in terms of a monthly contribution.

So he didn't have to ask for my debit card all the time I gave him a credit card for top up shops and things like that. Well, it turns out we at least spent £2k on things I never authorised.

We're thinking of buying a house and part of being able to secure the mortgage is to clear that credit card. We also need to pay off a loan he had with his exW for a sofa. Both things probably add to about £3k.

I'm at a loss as to what to do next, I can "make" him pay me, but I don't see how that would.work. I could protect myself and add in the title deeds that I gave more deposit and thus more house, but I don't even know if that's possible.

He's really wonderful apart from that, I just need to control his finances as he seems to have the money IQ of a 3 year old.

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 31/07/2019 11:02

Read your update. I don’t think petrol (presumably to get to work?), and clothing his son should be solely “his” expenses. You’re a long term couple with a baby on the way, and you knew he had a child already when you met him. You’re a family.

katewhinesalot · 31/07/2019 11:03

It sounds ominous and not at all a good idea to tie yourself up financially to him. If he abused your trust before, he'll do it again when you are more "committed" to him.

hadthesnip2 · 31/07/2019 11:04

You can get joint purchaser sole owner mortgages if you need to use his income but don't want him on the deeds.

I will go against the grain here a bit & say go for it. Suck up the fact you have to pay his £3k cc bill - you did give it to him so you are partially liable anyway. How much is the property & how much deposit are you putting down - £3k isn't much in the scheme of things. As pp have said, you can protect your asset by being tennants in common & having a larger share, but as I said, how much is the £3k compared to the rest of it.

As to how you get him to pay you back. Just increase his share of the monthly contributions until he's paid you back. An extra £250pm would have it done in a year.

Good luck

Missingstreetlife · 31/07/2019 11:05

You can't control his finances, but stop him messing yours up.

Original poster

Enzavarez · 31/07/2019 11:06

He can't give any more money, that's the main issue. Ive never been fully aware of his financial situation, but he's promised to give me more and has never done it, so I just don't count on it.

These were his work uniforms btw, which he said he'll claim back from work, but never saw a penny.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2019 11:07

I don’t think petrol (presumably to get to work?), and clothing his son should be solely “his” expenses

Are you having a laugh? She should pay for his son? Why not go the whole hog and suggest she pays for everything and his money is his fun spending money?

loobyloo1234 · 31/07/2019 11:07

OP - how long did it take him to run up £2k worth of debt on your CC? Why weren't you aware that it was that high until you came to apply for a mortgage?

ComtesseDeSpair · 31/07/2019 11:12

@Bluntness100 If a woman, earning much less than her DP, with children from her previous relationship, told us that the DP made her pay for the children's expenses from “her” money and she was only allowed to use a credit card for grocery shopping - I think the responses would be different.

I’m no advocate for joint finances and I’ve already said if OP doesn’t feel she can trust him with money then she shouldn’t be buying a property with him (I don’t think any women should buy property with men full stop, for the record. Keep your independence, it’ll never fail you.) But if she wants to stay with him and wants to buy a home together then they need to review the financial situation because it clearly isn’t working as is.

Original poster

Enzavarez · 31/07/2019 11:13

It took him three months. At first I just thought it was a normal amount, but the last couple of months he increased his "normal" expenditure on the CC.

I took the CC away about a month ago and he's improves in general, but a month is nothing in comparison to a 30year mortgage

OP posts:

RavenLG · 31/07/2019 11:18

It sounds like you’re subsidising a child, he’s a grown man and you’re having to authorise spends. All the while having no clue about his financial situation. Sorry, tying yourself financially to this man is a recipe for disaster. You’ll end up in a hole

LemonBreeland · 31/07/2019 11:21

You don't fully know his finances, so don't know how much he earns but are having a baby together. I can't wrap my head around having a baby with someone that you don't really know.

AfterSchoolWorry · 31/07/2019 11:21

Oh God. A cocklodger.

NotBeingRobbed · 31/07/2019 11:22

Leave the b*ard.

SummerInTheVillage · 31/07/2019 11:24

Just cut your losses. The man's a leech.

Original poster

Enzavarez · 31/07/2019 11:24

I know how much is his salary. And have a broad idea of CMs and commuting costs. I know he should have maybe 100-200 extra to spare a month, but of that I'm not sure.

OP posts:

NotBeingRobbed · 31/07/2019 11:26

If you buy a house together then before long he will be claiming half regardless of how much he has contributed. You can’t afford this! How are you going to raise a child with this parasite?

NewMe2019 · 31/07/2019 11:27

Why on earth do you not know what he earns?? No way would I financially tie myself to someone when I didn't know what they earned, they promised to give me more money but never did and was more than happy to rack up 2k of debt on my credit card without bothering to ask if it was ok.

NewMe2019 · 31/07/2019 11:29

X post. I think you should sit down with him and go through every penny of his outgoings. He seems to have very little left so clearly can't afford those things he put on your credit card.

RosaWaiting · 31/07/2019 11:33

no way should you buy a home and be legally linked to someone who doesn't cope well with finance stuff

also, I'm not sure he doesn't cope - he knows exactly what he's getting out of you.

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2019 11:33

@Bluntness100 If a woman, earning much less than her DP, with children from her previous relationship, told us that the DP made her pay for the children's expenses from “her” money and she was only allowed to use a credit card for grocery shopping - I think the responses would be different

Well you must be new here, as this comes up a lot and they are not. The general feeling is it's the parents responsibility to pay for their own kids. Not thr new partner.

VeThings · 31/07/2019 11:34

Have you talked to a broker like London and Country about buying on your own? There are probably specialist mortgages that will take trusts into account.

I would not buy 50/50 with him if you really can’t buy on your own. You should own the higher percentage equal to your higher contribution (to the deposit and the monthly household expenses).

Do not get married to this man. He’s obviously not careful with money and it’s beyond cheeky for him to use your CC for his own purchases.

Blueoasis · 31/07/2019 11:34

Are you sure you need to clear your debt before getting a mortgage? I had a lot more debt than that before I got a mortgage.

Either way, take the credit card off him and start billing him for it. £50-100 a month of his money to pay it off. Are you paying for his ex wife's couch too, I didn't get that bit? If so, why? You're basically paying for his previous family.

CatalogueUniverse · 31/07/2019 11:36

If you absolutely must carry on with this, I’d get a pre pay visa. Which you can load with the right amount and see where it’s going.

You must protect your interests with tenants in common and I’d be watching for him taking out more debt.

You really need to have a serious conversation about this because you are in an unhealthy dynamic.

SillyNameChanger · 31/07/2019 11:36

He's really wonderful except for the small matter of abusing your trust and wasting your money

Yes make him pay. Separate your finances. If you insist on buying with this fool then get a deer of trusts for tenants in common drawn up so that you own a larger proportion of the property. I'd do it by %age if you could as ring-fencing a set amount will mean that the value deprecates with time.

Original poster

Enzavarez · 31/07/2019 11:36

@VeThings yeah I've talked to a few brokers and none will take it into account (they will for my ML but not for lending).

I will protect my deposit and contributions as much as I can. What I don't know if this is down to the lender or the conveyancer/solicitor

OP posts:

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