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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP "abused" my credit card and now I have to pay it off to get a mortgage

141 replies

Enzavarez · 31/07/2019 10:28

DP and l have never been equals financially and I've always been ok with that.

We never had a clear conversation about money, although we came with a number we were both comfortable with in terms of a monthly contribution.

So he didn't have to ask for my debit card all the time I gave him a credit card for top up shops and things like that. Well, it turns out we at least spent £2k on things I never authorised.

We're thinking of buying a house and part of being able to secure the mortgage is to clear that credit card. We also need to pay off a loan he had with his exW for a sofa. Both things probably add to about £3k.

I'm at a loss as to what to do next, I can "make" him pay me, but I don't see how that would.work. I could protect myself and add in the title deeds that I gave more deposit and thus more house, but I don't even know if that's possible.

He's really wonderful apart from that, I just need to control his finances as he seems to have the money IQ of a 3 year old.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 31/07/2019 14:32

The chances of this mummy and child dynamic spilling over to other parts of your relationship is pretty damn high, especially given that neither of you call it by it’s name.

The mummy vs entitled teen phase is going to be brutal.

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 31/07/2019 14:33

I agree with other PP's. This isn't about the money, its about his character.

If I borrowed £1 from someone, it would only be for something I really needed and I would pay them back immediately because it is not in my character to take advantage of someone. If I had my own money to pay for it (which he should have if your calculations are right) then I wouldnt have taken someone else's in the first place.

He clearly doesnt really give a shit. How long have you been together OP? I think this is a very ominous sign of other bad things to come.

Every man I've been with who was irresponsible with money was irresponsible with other aspects of life. Those who stole from me never paid it back (despite promising repeatedly to do so like your 'D'P is right now). I thinks he's seen you coming with this trust fund and the excuses will just become more and more regular before you find yourself even further deeply entangled financially with no way out.

I'd be speaking to the exW and finding out what really happened between them. I bet his lying about money extends to other areas of his life.

I know renting feels like a waste if money if you can get a mortgage but I'd wait at least another year, see what kind of father he turns out to be with your new child and whether he eventually pays you back and stops wasting money. Only then would I even consider a mortgage with him.

EileenAlanna · 31/07/2019 14:39

Can you clear up how long you've been seeing this guy, when you moved in together (into his place/your place/new place together) & how long he's been divorced.
Have you any family members you could buy a house with? A deed of trust could state that you will have the right to occupy & to buy out their share.

womenspeakout · 31/07/2019 14:43

Apart from the CC fiasco he's actually become more reliable through time.

Really?

It took him three months. At first I just thought it was a normal amount, but the last couple of months he increased his "normal" expenditure on the CC.

You only took the card away a month ago.

Enzavarez · 31/07/2019 14:45

We've been together for two years, dated for a year and moved in after that. He's been divorced for three (that's why I think there's another year left in the sofa loan).

My cousin (banker) is the only one who wants to "help" although he really just wants to loan me money at a 15%APR

OP posts:
RushianDisney · 31/07/2019 14:51

I'd take your cousins help over signing all your financial security away to the waster that is your DP.

Shoxfordian · 31/07/2019 15:04

You're a mug
He's basically stolen from you. Of course his credit is good, he's been using your card not his! I hope you're not planning on doing this sort of thing ever again. Clearly you don't want to leave him so I don't know what other advice to give you.

HollowTalk · 31/07/2019 15:05

15% Blimey, he's not much of a friend

Have you seen what the poster above said about a mortgage using your trust money?

HollowTalk · 31/07/2019 15:05

Do you have part-ownership deals in your area?

Enzavarez · 31/07/2019 15:10

There are some part ownership but I've only read horror stories about selling them plus when you add the "rent" they charge is about the same as what I'm paying at the moment.

No mortgage lender will take my trust into account, they will in terms of my maternity leave but not to lend me more money.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 31/07/2019 15:34

My friend's daughter had a part ownership in London and sold immediately after 3 years - her share of the increase was £30,000.

I think for a lot of people shared ownership is the only way in, really.

HollowTalk · 31/07/2019 15:34

Is your cousin your uncle's child? Is he resentful of your trust, given the high % he would charge you?

Enzavarez · 31/07/2019 15:41

No, but we shared the same uncle, he didn't leave anything to my cousin so maybe there is some resent there.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 31/07/2019 15:42

Yes, he's perhaps trying to claw it back!

Graphista · 31/07/2019 16:02

"Ive never been fully aware of his financial situation" you're about to have a child together! You SHOULD know exactly what his financial situation is! He's irresponsible and secretive - why?

I would not be at all surprised if when learning of the full facts of his finances (which you ABSOLUTELY should BEFOREHAND you make such a huge financial commitment with him as buying a house - to be honest you SHOULD have known this as soon as you moved in together, certainly before conceiving - assuming that was planned?) you were to discover:

1 he has a higher income than you thought - him SAYING he "can't" contribute more doesn't necessarily make it true

2 he has more debt than you thought

Crazy to do anything without getting the FULL information first.

"I know how much is his salary" from what he's told you or have you actually seen payslips - more than a couple?

You do understand you don't HAVE to buy a home? Yes renting is more expensive monthly but there are also costs and cons to being an owner too, maintenance and repair costs are solely yours to bear, doesn't sound like you can afford to do that - certainly you can't rely on him to cover such things!

We have an odd attitude to renting in this country, there are pros and cons to both renting/buying.

"What's the worse case scenario though? If he fails to pay, I pay it and end it." Actually worst case scenario is you bankroll him throughout your relationship, eventually split due to resenting this and he has at least half claim on a house you've mostly paid for AND are responsible for debts he's accrued!

"If no credit cards are involved, how can he acquire debt in my name?" Frighteningly easily actually. Not saying he is but I have certain relatives who are gamblers/con artists/fraudsters and it's CRAZY easy to get credit cards and other debt in the name of the person you're cohabiting with (even in the name of complete strangers to be honest). Happens all the time!

"The joint account would only be for his salary and the mortgage/bills." Do you understand that having a joint account with him legally binds you to him financially?

"We've been together for two years, dated for a year and moved in after that." It genuinely stuns me how quickly people move in together on here!! ONE YEAR is no time at all, especially given he has a child in the mix!

The first year-18 months of a relationship there's a combination of biochemical/psychological reasons why the rose tinted glasses are on, plus people are on their best behaviour in this period.

Quite honestly anyone moving in with a romantic partner earlier than 2 years into relationship ESPECIALLY with children in the mix is nuts!

But you are where you are AND pregnant too - again people seem to rush into this on mn, though when challenged there seems a higher than usual incidence of "accidental" pregnancies 🤔 which as someone who's had ONE themselves I do understand CAN happen, but not at the rate that's claimed on here!

Seriously - DON'T marry him, don't give baby his name, don't get joint finances with him, don't buy a house with him unless and until FOR A SIGNIFICANT PERIOD OF TIME he's SHOWN a major change in attitude and actions to you and how he handles money.

Quite honestly, if he apparently can BARELY afford his current responsibilities it's somewhat irresponsible to be having another child anyway!

Smokesandeats · 31/07/2019 16:11

If you really want to buy a property could you afford buy a small flat or maisonette in a different area by yourself?

I would not rely on this man for anything other than more debt.

StrongerThanIThought76 · 31/07/2019 16:18

OP what are the terms of your trust? Have you considered asking the trustees to release the trust as cash to enable you to invest in a property of your own?

If the income from your trust makes up 1/3 of your total income (which the bank won't use for mortgage affordability) I'm guessing it's quite a sizeable amount - is it close to the amount you need your 'd'p to borrow?

I've set up a trust for my kids should anything happen to me - this is exactly the type of thing I would expect the trustees to release funds for before they inherit the full whack of cash.

MammaBot211 · 31/07/2019 16:18

Do not buy a house with someone who can do this. He needs to start a payment plan to clear the balance. If he refuses, report him for Credit Card fraud, because if you simply allow his behaviour to keep happening, he will keep doing it. Its called taking the piss.

Windygate · 31/07/2019 16:23

Wonderful man or freeloading cocklodger. He saw you coming.

MammaBot211 · 31/07/2019 16:34

I do not believe his credit score is top notch, because if it was, why was he spending your CC instead of getting his own? Seems your intent on ignoring advice from us all @Enzavarez because you must have your house. See you on these boards once he screwed you over on that as well.

Enzavarez · 31/07/2019 16:50

He's never had a credit card, he had a store card in the past but that's about it. I saw he's Experian it was something like 985.

My mum is the trustee, there are a few things that can trigger the full release of the trust, but most of them are at least 5 years from now.

What I don't understand is what's the worse case scenario. Of what I read, he can't get a loan against the house, he can't remortgage. I can also protect the % of interest in the house. So of he fails to pay, I can cover, he gets kicked out, house I sold I recover my stake on it. Or am I getting something wrong?

OP posts:
Jaffacakesaremyfave · 31/07/2019 17:10

If things turn sour and he refuses to leave, the only option would be to take him to court to force him to leave which isn't as easy as it sounds and much more difficult if he owns a share in the property. In this scenario, you are stuck living with someone in a potentially awful situation. He could run up bad debt which your address will be associated with and have to face bailiffs seizing your property.

If he does leave, then you will have to buy him out of his %, which if you cant afford to do, you may be forced to sell and if done in a hurry, you may end up having to accept less money than you paid and end up in negative equity, so would be stuck in an even worse situation than you are now.

He is irresponsible having another child when he is basically using your money to look after his first child. What makes you think he will be responsible in the future?

readitandwept · 31/07/2019 17:24

His take home salary is around £1350-£1400, minus, commuting and what he gives me accounts to £1000 give or take.

Exactly how much is he giving you? And what are your joint outgoings? You say you pay 2/3 of them just now. Even if he's £200 a month on commuting, that's £800 he's giving you, and that's only 1/3 of your outgoings?

womenspeakout · 31/07/2019 17:34

I do not believe his credit score is top notch, because if it was, why was he spending your CC instead of getting his own?

This was my thinking too. And the details the OP has on his finances are so sketchy, I can't see why she'd have the full credit summery of him, but not fully aware of his finances.

Nobody who is responsible with money can rack up a few grand on credit cards in a couple of months. It's just not what happens.

womenspeakout · 31/07/2019 17:39

He's never had a credit card, he had a store card in the past but that's about it. I saw he's Experian it was something like 985.

He's clearly clever like that, he's running up your credit, I'm guessing he did the same in other relationships, possibly with his ex too.

Perhaps he opens ones up in this partners name, therefore keeping his name clean.

Or perhaps he has other names which he uses.

Nobody can run up a few G in debt so quickly and not have other financial issues, I'm guessing he's hiding them well.