DP "abused" my credit card and now I have to pay it off to get a mortgage

[Enzavarez]

DP and l have never been equals financially and I've always been ok with that.

We never had a clear conversation about money, although we came with a number we were both comfortable with in terms of a monthly contribution.

So he didn't have to ask for my debit card all the time I gave him a credit card for top up shops and things like that. Well, it turns out we at least spent £2k on things I never authorised.

We're thinking of buying a house and part of being able to secure the mortgage is to clear that credit card. We also need to pay off a loan he had with his exW for a sofa. Both things probably add to about £3k.

I'm at a loss as to what to do next, I can "make" him pay me, but I don't see how that would.work. I could protect myself and add in the title deeds that I gave more deposit and thus more house, but I don't even know if that's possible.

He's really wonderful apart from that, I just need to control his finances as he seems to have the money IQ of a 3 year old.

You must be mad.
Do you want to carry him on your back for the rest of your life?

He's stolen money from you. Simple as that. You are having a baby and financially tying yourself to a thief.

If he's not utterly remorseful and bending over backwards to pay you back then you are a fool.

No, I don't. Same reason why I want the mortgage. Otherwise I'd be the only one paying the extra that renting is, not him.

I think you need a heart to heart chat about finances. If you are having a baby together and you don't know how much he earns or pays ex in child support. Explain you need to know so can plan ahead. I would not be buying property with him. Instead continue to save your deposit. Make him pay you back for his sons phone. Never give him access to your cards. Change your pin if necessary. He should be paying his own way. It sounds like he is using you for easy cash.

I'd be easy going if I had someone else's credit card to use whenever I fancied it.

The solution to this mess is clearly to have a joint account and me managing the money for him, not pleasant but that's the only o can guarantee things are taken care of.
That's not necessarily going to work OP. My H ran up an enormous overdraft very quickly and the bank chased me for repayment because it was a joint account. He just sat back and ignored all communications from them.

Why would you risk getting any joint account with him when he's proven he's completely useless with money?

I have a vague idea, he's mentioned many times but have never written it down.

His take home salary is around £1350-£1400, minus, commuting and what he gives me accounts to £1000 give or take. CM and joint debts with his exW are another £200-250. Minus his phone contract and Netflix and Now TV that he pays for. He also pays for his road tax and insurance on a monthly basis.

He doesn't have much left (if any) after all of his commitments. I always knew I would be the bigger earner I have no issue with it.

He has to somehow work extra hours to pay that back, even if it means I'll see him much less.

He's the most easy going person I know

Keep an eye on that OP, that easy going attitude can force the other party in the relationship to be the responsible adult, the one that does all the arranging, organising and planning for the future so you both don't end up in a mess because one of you was "going to get to it later". It is a strange form of hands-off passive controlling behaviour.

Do you really want a relationship where you have a "parent" your partner?

OP, you have every single poster on here screaming at you that you are sleepwalking into a total financial disaster, and you seem to have your head buried deeply in the sand about it...

Do you really not recognise what a disaster this is going to be..?

What's the worse case scenario though? If he fails to pay, I pay it and end it. The alternative is to stay with him and lose £400 a month on rent, or go solo.

I don't think money is everything and wouldn't end my relationship just because he was an idiot for a period of time. We're all redeemable, I've always believed in that.

If you are going to proceed with buying a house together then make sure that you buy as Tenants in Common in unequal shares. If you are contributing 2/3 and he is only paying 1/3 then buy in those shares (or the percentage equivalent 66.6% & 33.4%). That way when/if you separate your larger share of the equity will be protected.

If you are putting in most or all of the deposit that figure should also be taken into account and the proportions adjusted accordingly. So if your deposit is 10% of the purchase price then you get 75% and he gets 25% etc.

Protect yourself and your children. If, at some point in the future things change then you can adjust the percentages.

Bear in mind that if you get married this can be overruled by the Court but it still gives a good indication of the parties respective contributions.

In your circumstances as the higher earner then it probably isn't in your best interests to marry.

He's going to destroy you financially.

I had an uncle just like this who did it to his mother, and then a girlfriend. It will never change, he's bleeding you dry and you've allowed it.

I would say never tie yourself to someone like this with finances. How he dares run through your money without even asking if certain things are OK, I have no idea. But the fact he has is ringing all my alarm bells.

I don't think money is everything and wouldn't end my relationship just because he was an idiot for a period of time. We're all redeemable, I've always believed in that.

It's not everything, but it's hella important for independence.

Right now you have options, if/when he drains all your money, runs up significant debts in your name and you are stuck with someone in a position which means you cannot find a place to live due to bad credit, things change.

Women should always protect themselves financially before anything else. Don't just throw that away.

Thank you @redastherose that's what I was looking for.

If no credit cards are involved, how can he acquire debt in my name? Affordability wouldn't let him remortgage.

I don't plan to marry him until he can prove he's trustworthy with finances.

The solution to this mess is clearly to have a joint account and me managing the money for him, not pleasant but that's the only o can guarantee things are taken care of.

Is it? Really?

I think that this is the worst solution to the mess he's created. Giving someone unmitigated access to every penny you earn after he's already showed you how bad he is with money seems like you're setting yourself up for the worst case scenario.

@redastherose my salary and trust money would still go to my single account. The joint account would only be for his salary and the mortgage/bills.

I doubt if he is ever going to be trustworthy re finances.

Do you know exactly why his previous marriage ended?. Was that due to his attitude re finances?.

No one thinks money is everything. But it’s indicative of a wider pattern of his behaviour towards you.

He lies.
He steals.
He makes promises he doesn’t keep.
You can’t count on him.

All this while you are carrying his baby and supporting him financially.

This isnt just about the money .

*If no credit cards are involved, how can he acquire debt in my name? Affordability wouldn't let him remortgage.

I don't plan to marry him until he can prove he's trustworthy with finances.*

It happens all the time, they just open them up in your name.

He's already run up debt in your name, in the thousands.

OK, don't marry him, don't tie yourself financially to him either. Look out for yourself financially.

@Enzavarez keeping your finances separate makes sense if one party is not as financially responsible as the other. I would suggest he has his account, you have your account and you have a 3rd one which is a joint account that both of you contribute your agreed shares which covers, mortgage, life insurance, house insurance, council tax, general bills and a suitable amount for general household expenses such as shopping (I have probably missed a few things you need to include but you get the idea). Any other expenses come out of your own respective accounts. Also be wary of him running up expenses and asking you to bail him out.

Sit down and have a proper adult discussion about this and about other shared responsibilities particularly as you are about to have a child together.

He's always claimed incompatibility. Things were VERY tight for them and always relied on benefits/tax credits.

Apart from the CC fiasco he's actually become more reliable through time. Now he always tells me if anything is going to affect his contribution and has contributed steadily for the past year.

I don't plan to marry him until he can prove he's trustworthy with finances.

Yet you got pregnant and want to buy a property with him.

You’ve called him stealing from you as him ‘him getting carried away’. The level of blinkered thinking on your part is breathtaking. How can he prove his trustworthiness, if your solution to dealing with his untrustworthiness—fraudulent behaviour— is to take control of finances?

You really are in denial about the long term financial and emotional consequences of being in a relationship with your bf. The constant putting out of fires —discovery of stealing and financial incompetence— is going to get old pretty damn quickly especially when you have a real baby to look after.

Good luck because you are going to need it.

@redastherose that was originally my idea, but I'm weary of him spending the mortgage payment. With what he currently contributes we'd be 50/50 including all expenses with a mortgage instead of renting.

When baby goes to nursery it will rely on whatever is left of my salary but at the very least my trust money won't be touched, which is the most important thing to me.