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Relationships

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Original poster

Boyfriend on holiday, not been in touch in 3 days. Don't know how to handle it.

251 replies

Indianajonesy66 · 30/07/2019 09:19

Feeling like a complete idiot....

I don't know if I'm overreacting or not. Boyfriend is currently away on holiday and hasn't been in touch in 3 days and I'm now getting very anxious and have no idea how to handle it.

Bit of background:
My ex partner of 2 years randomly ended our relationship by suddenly ghosting me. He literally stopped answering my calls and texts. After a month he reinitiated contact but I chose to walk away as I had seen just how possessive and controlling he had been in our relationship.

During our breakup I went and saw a therapist who helped me a lot. I slowly regained my confidence and I thought I was ok but I do still have some underlying trust issues.

I'm now in a relationship with another guy who has been incredibly sweet, affectionate, loving etc. Our relationship is fairly new but he's left me in no doubt about his feelings. We have lots of future plans made, I've been intro to friends and family etc.

He had the opportunity to go on an amazing 10 day trip to France. Sadly it was too last minute for me to go too but I encouraged him to go because I knew it was too good an opportunity for him to miss it. I knew I was going to struggle with anxiety with him going away but also want him to be able to live his life. He knows about my previous experience with my ex too.

He went away on Wednesday and has apparently had a nightmare with his phone not sending texts etc or even letting him use data so his contact has been sketchy but very sweet and affectionate when he has got in contact. I was coping fine with only hearing from him occasionally, until now....

The last contact I had with him was on Saturday. We chatted for over an hour. He was saying how much he missed me and was making future plans with me. He asked if he could get dropped off at my house when they come back on Saturday and stay with me for a few days and I said yes (but didn't give him my address at that point). He then said his phone battery was only at 2% so he had to go but we'd chat soon.

Later that night I sent him a flirty text wanting to surprise him when he managed to check his messages again.

However nearly 3 days later there's been no contact from him. He's not been online or on facebook at all that I can tell (I can see his last online statuses) and my message still hasn't been delivered to his phone. His relationship status on Facebook still says in a relationship. I was making up all these excuses in my head for why he's not been in touch, like maybe he was having issues charging his phone at the campsite etc.

Then one of the people he's gone away with started a public photo album of their trip. I was relieved as they posted a few pictures of my boyfriend so at least I knew he was ok.

Then this morning one of the girls in the group posted a picture of him standing with her directing an electric fan at him and him smiling at her. A proper electric fan with a cord so he clearly does have access to electricity and could most likely charge his phone.

I've just been left feeling like shit and now have no idea how to handle the situation. I'm so tempted to post a comment on the photo saying something like "nice to see you're still alive" or something like that because I feel so frustrated and angry but deep down I know that will probably just aggravate the situation and make me feel worse. I don't want to be a possessive, horrible girlfriend and I don't expect him to be in touch all the time but do feel hurt that he's not been in touch in so long especially as he knows how my ex made me feel.

I have no idea what I'm supposed to do now, just wait for him to get in touch I guess. Or maybe I should just bite the bullet and post on the photo because then at least he might give me some closure sooner. I have no idea where I stand anymore or if I'm still going to see him on Saturday. Just so confused.

OP posts:
user1479305498 · 30/07/2019 21:04

Let it be, find something else to do and act casual— most guys aren’t keen on over needy women, if he is that keen he will be back in touch shortly. If he isn’t well you wont have embarrassed yourself

whoknows7 · 30/07/2019 21:28

Come off it like others on here haven’t had moments in their relationships where they started overthinking things! Why is everyone being so god dam rude! She’s on here looking for reassurance not to be attacked!

OP your last relationship has obviously left you feeling vulnerable nothing wrong with that and nothing to be ashamed of and definitely nothing to need extensive therapy for 🙄 like some have suggested! You don’t sound needy just that you are letting your mind overthink everything I’m sure there is a perfectly good reason for his lack of communication just try not to get carried away in the story your mind makes up. And probably stop reading this thread before you end up feeling even worse 🙄❤️

underthebridgedowntown · 30/07/2019 21:57

@Indianajonesy66 - step away from mumsnet :) it sounds like you're both anxious and both overanalysing stuff. My DH and I were similar when we first got together having both gone through abusive or ghosting breakups. Getting strangers on the internet to add to the analysis isn't going to help. Get this thread deleted due to the personal information you've shared, and look forward to seeing him on Saturday. He sounds like he really cares about you, take care of yourself too x

user1479305498 · 30/07/2019 22:15

By the way OP I didn’t mean to sound harsh as I know stuff like this can be very anxious making, I just think at this stage better not to make a big deal of it

SonataDentata · 30/07/2019 22:24

OP you have my massive sympathies. I have similar anxiety issues to you - as do many others - so I totally understand where you’re coming from. I agree it’s good advice not to contact him, but I know how hard that is. Sit on your hands for as long as you can. Flowers

SonataDentata · 30/07/2019 22:27

Having said that, I don’t feel that one message each day or couple of days is an unreasonable expectation. I do that with several close friends and my mum. I think his message about “other emotions” was unnecessarily cryptic and insensitive given that he knows your history.

Enclume · 30/07/2019 22:34

So much drama.

Marmozet · 30/07/2019 22:54

Any more from him?

LikeDolphinsCanSwin · 30/07/2019 23:00

Don’t encourage her to put any more of his messages on here!

Would you want someone to put your text messages on here for the world and it’s dog to over-analyse?

MyOtherProfile · 30/07/2019 23:03

Did he say if he is still coming on Saturday?

AutumnCrow · 30/07/2019 23:06

I think from the start of the thread it's been about The Girl With The Electric Fan.

Literal undercurrents.

IamtheOA · 30/07/2019 23:10

There's a difference between YOU embracing your past, YOU dealing with it, and making SOMEONE ELSE deal with it.

You've embraced it, but you obviously haven't completely dealt with it, and it's not up to your boyfriend to suffer for it.

It's been 3 days. Seriously.... take a breath!

dragonflyflew · 30/07/2019 23:24

AutumnCrow I’m sad to say I just googled The Girl With The Electric Fan. I thought you were talking about literature...

catismychild · 30/07/2019 23:28

Oh OP I'm sorry you've had some nasty replies. I do not know a single person in real life that wouldn't be unnerved by not hearing from their partner for 3 days, so ignore the 'clingy' and 'needy' insults.

This happened to me once in a fairly new relationship, and unfortunately I was right to be anxious cause he ended it a few weeks later. You feel anxious because you've picked up on some red flags. I'm not saying jump the gun and end it now yourself, just be cautious not to invest too much too soon. Remember this is the honeymoon period, you shouldn't be feeling on edge.

BackforGood · 30/07/2019 23:37

I do not know a single person in real life that wouldn't be unnerved by not hearing from their partner for 3 days, so ignore the 'clingy' and 'needy' insults.

Well you most know a really limited circle of people then.
I cope fine without hearing from dh when he is away., as is very normal, IME.

I certainly wouldn't expect to be 'checked in with' by anyone who was out the country, let alone a boyfriend of only a month.

Ohmygoodnessreally · 30/07/2019 23:47

Is he insecure too?

tinyvulture · 31/07/2019 00:02

Haven’t read the whole thread - sorry! But just wanted to say, normal to stress out about not hearing from your boyfriend for 3 days. But try not to over-think it. Loads of possible reasons. Can you occupy yourself with other stuff? A thing that helped me when I was dating was my friend telling me I could text her all the texts I wanted to send to the cock-wit men, but shouldn’t.... Do you have a friend that might do that for you?
Good luck. And just wanted to say, there is nothing in the slightest odd about your reaction to this...

SwordofGryffindor · 31/07/2019 00:56

Are yous messing

Facebook, WhatsApp etc. No excuse not to even send a goodnight text In this era ! Feic him I'd be mad too

Enclume · 31/07/2019 01:56

I do not know a single person in real life that wouldn't be unnerved by not hearing from their partner for 3 days

Partner? They've been going out for a whole four weeks.

I might go easily 3 or 4 days without messaging my husband when we're apart. If you trust someone and you're both busy, it's easy to do.

1forAll74 · 31/07/2019 02:44

Just leave the guy alone to enjoy his holiday, If I was him,I would not want any texts or any communication from back home.,it must be very off putting for him,while he is enjoying time spent with some friends in France.. Don't go on social media either, just do something you like doing instead, he will be home soon !

BadLad · 31/07/2019 05:05

most guys aren’t keen on over needy women

Almost nobody finds insecurity attractive.

MyOtherProfile · 31/07/2019 06:20

@tinyvulture wonderful example of why you should at least read the OPs posts!

BringMeAGinandTonic · 31/07/2019 06:25

OP I feel for you because it clearly sounds like you have past hurts/anxieties that cause these current thoughts/worries that you might otherwise not have, had your partner not done what he did. It makes sense to me why you'd be worried/anxious. You think it's all starting again with this new guy.

Someone said this above: This is why social media is so very dangerous. Including text messages and emails. You’re reading into things and imagining things which literally aren’t there, interpreting both the tone and pragmatics of written words.

This really makes a lot of sense and I think this might keep the cycle going which is not good and only keeps a circle of thoughts going. I know it's all very hard and worrying but if you can get out and enjoy stuff on your own or with friends/family, you might have a different perspective when you return and won't hopefully be as worried. I'd say if you're trying to work on past hurts, avoiding social media is good, as it could reinforce negative thoughts, which is not ideal.

I can't tell from what you've shared what the deal is with him but you won't find out until he returns, so try and stay calm, go out and enjoy yourself and when he returns, sit down and talk about it. :)

If you feel you can confide in him (parts of it or totally how you felt while he was away), tell him about it and discuss it. But keep in mind it could be too much so early and it might be best to confide in someone else.

Hugs.

15YemenRoad · 31/07/2019 06:47

tinyvulture Seriously, read the damn thread, or at least all of the OP's posts before you comment. Otherwise your "advice" is irresponsible, wrong or just daft.

Those that proudly share they don't RTFT are similar to individuals who just read a headline and assume they know what the article is going to be about and then share their opinion, which usually makes them look stupid.

--

OP, you do sound needy and very obsessive. Such intensity at this stage is not healthy and will cause harm to your relationship. The exchange you shared makes you both come across as two extremely dramatic people who just say things the other wants to hear.

You come across as someone who needs to be in a relationship and a person who feels they need a man to be validated. This is worrying. I understand you have a lot of issues and anxieties and the best route for you is to go get the support and therapy you need to work on your confidence and self before you even consider a relationship. Being someone's girlfriend should not be your priority right now and your happiness should not depend on someone you barely know, or anyone for that matter.

Learn to love yourself and understand your value and you will find yourself in healthier relationships. Right now, this all sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen. It comes across very immature and I'm sorry to say somewhat embarrassing.

Please seek the support and help you need.

Roussette · 31/07/2019 07:01

Having said that, I don’t feel that one message each day or couple of days is an unreasonable expectation. I do that with several close friends and my mum

A totally unreasonable expectation when it's someone you've been seeing for a month, and not a close friend or a mother you've known all your life!